Chapter 28

The lights are hot in the studio, hot as it is outside as we all sit around on the sit. It's less scripted but streamed live on the CBC website.

Today was talking about social media, the good, and bad, and our own experiences. It's not something I talk much about, nor do I have.

"What is interesting is how you spend high school being told social media isn't everything, that it's not real or helpful. Though studying journalism and broadcast, it's like social media is crucial to our careers in a way." Says Stella who is pretty and blonde. She usually sticks to the weather, because she's the quintessential weather girl.

"It's a double edge sword because what brings us up can also bring us down," I add on. "We were told in school to keep our private lives private and our public life interesting enough for people to be curious about but vague enough so it doesn't destroy your private life," I say.

"Is that why you don't post your daughter online?" Mack asks, almost too innocently. Most of them know I don't like bringing up my daughter on live streaming or television and I would have looked passed it if I didn't see Grace smirk a little.

"Well, you are correct I don't post her because I don't think it's my place to," I say simply. "My parents posted half of my life never really asking. I'm not mad at them for it, it was just how it was for a lot of people. But after she was born, after everything that happened in the media. Her father and I decided that we wanted to keep her life private. We have group chats and other ways to share photos and videos with our families and thankfully my family supports our decision and didn't post things in return. Until she knows the implication of social media, or that she can tell me she's okay with me posting something, then I will refrain from it." I say choosing my words carefully. "Of course, I have photos that don't show her face, sometimes you can hear her voice, but her identity is her own and I respect that."

"You must have been what sixteen when you had her?" Grace says and I freeze.

"I was young," I say simply. "Stella, you run the social media pages here for us, what's it like on the professional side of things? I ask changing the subject and getting it off of me.

I get off work feeling more attacked and drained than usual. I wash off my makeup when I home. I'm still wrapped up in a towel when go looking for something under the counter.

Tampons.

When was the last time? Did I bleed four weeks ago? I had to of? I go to our room and look at my pack of pills….two left, today and tomorrow before I open a new pack.

"Everything all right?" Ken asks me as he walks into the room.

"I didn't get my period," I look at him.

"Pardon?" Ken asks looking rather pale.

"Yeah...I mean it's probably nothing, sometimes this happens I skip a month here and there, but it's never happened when I've been with someone. I mean the pill pretty much makes it impossible and plenty of people rely on just it?" I tell him trying to calm myself down in the process.

"Your father is going to kill me," Ken says under his breath.

"They never have to know, I'm sure it is just nothing?" I tell him. "We can go get a test to make sure but honestly I don't feel different than usual and last time, the test only told me what I was already in denial about?"

"That's good then?" Ken asks worriedly.

"Well, nothing is guaranteed, but it's not like last time. I mean I'm on the pill, I take it religiously. I haven't missed a pill," I try to reassure both of us. Despite my brain going haywire. I just literally moved in a few weeks after picking up the last of my things from my parents. There was no way it could be real, or happen. Not on the pill? I pull out my phone to look at my calendar trying to count my days.

"I think my doctor once even told me that the pill can decrease a cycle, if it doesn't build up a lining, there is nothing to shed which means there is nothing comfy for anything to settle in. It's like the pill is just working extra well?" I tell him.

"I'll run out and get a test either way?" Ken tells me. "Better safe than sorry?"

"Yeah I guess that is true," I say nodding my head before sighing. I dress quickly and find lunch waiting for me. Grilled cheeses and ketchup, with some vegetables on the side, I nibble at half of mine, giving part of it to Owen who gobbled hers up before I could even finish mine.

Ken takes his keys, before giving me a kiss and telling me he'll be back in forty minutes. He was not tempting fate in the Glens pharmacy that is for sure. By the time he comes back, I have Owen is watching a movie hoping to keep her distracted, but it doesn't work.

"What you doing?" She asks as opens the door without knocking.

"Baby, you need to knock," I tell her while one hand still trying to hold on to the stick I was trying to pee on. "Damnit," I say grimacing when I feel wet her my hand as I try to aim the stick.

"But what are you doing?"

"Mommy is trying to find out if she has an illness," I tell her. "Now out, mommy needs privacy."

"Come on, let mommy go to the bathroom alone," Ken comes to rescue me and puts her back in front of her movie with a snack before coming back to me. I am capping the test and washing my hands.

"So last time you did this…" Ken says as he leans against the bathroom wall once I open the door for him.

"I was a nervous wreck and I got sick?" I tell him sighing I reach and squeeze his hand. "I really don't think I am, I feel normal. When I took the test with Owen, it was all too apparent and I felt it, I knew deep down what it already said in a way?"

"Why do three minutes feel like a lifetime?" Ken said next.

"To torture us in the process?" I say standing up and flipping the test over.

We wait, in silence.

Negative.

Oh, thank bloody god! For a moment I thought it was going to show up positive.

"It's negative," I tell him. "What a freaking relief that is," I say.

"You can say that again," Ken agrees with me and looks at me. I toss it in the trash and break down the box in the process as he watches me.

"What?" I say as I leave the bathroom as he follows me. I grab our mugs and the french press, setting out to make coffee for both of us."

"Would you want more in the future?" Ken asks. "It's something we haven't discussed yet, but given today maybe we should?"

We haven't, because we only just decided on a future with each other back in March, and it's only almost July, and now I am living with him. Sometimes it felt like we jumping over milestones and doing things so very backwards.

"I don't know. I never really thought of it in real terms before. I suppose another one could be nice one day when I'm older?" I say chewing on my lip. "Do you?"

"Honestly, every once in a while I miss the days when she was a baby?" Ken says nodding his head. "Miss it enough to want another one day."

"I don't see myself wanting another one until I'm at least twenty-six?" I tell him honestly saying that first age that came to mind, but almost Owen would almost be ten at that point. "Though if it did happen accidentally, I would just go with the flow I guess? If It was with you anyway?" I say quietly.

"So, no talk about babies for another five years, but if it happens we would be okay with it?" Ken repeats carefully and I nod my head.

Life goes on it feels like and the test puts our minds to rest. We wouldn't worry unless I skipped another month in a row. For now work, Ken and Owen taking the majority forefront of my mind most days. Though it's nice to have dinner as a family every night, to not pack little bags or to be driving back and forth. It makes my life easier and calmer.

I think back to the night a few weeks back, wondering if we should be more careful now. Go back to no exceptions, because apparently, our life was full of exceptions.

Still, I feel the flutters in my stomach that intense feeling that came with that first time that we remember.

I sigh as I feel Ken's lips peppering kisses over my collar and breastbone as I straddle his lap in my nightgown and panties. We have learned to put little bells on the door that was Owen's room. It gave up a heads up in a split second if she opened it at night, which made life easier for us that was for sure.

I can feel him beneath me, stiff as I rocked my hips teasingly. Sending fluttering feelings over my own body. His hands grip my hips and knead into the swell of my butt, sometimes venturing down the curve, every so slightly teasing the damp area of my panties. I search out a kiss, licking his lips, groaning, moaning as I feel him investigate further.

"Bedroom?" Ken asks huskily in my ear and I shake my head. If she woke up and hears the tv off, or that we were in bed, we would lose any chance at finishing. I guess we didn't care at the moment. Or didn't think to really care?

There is no daydreaming this time around as I get off work and home to find Owen Ken dealing with a moody Owen.

I let him off the hook, letting him escape the apartment as I try to figure out why she was cranky. She refuses most things throwing her dolls and toys on the floor, I would tempt the iPad, but I didn't want her to accidentally break it. My head was already hurting, and this only cemented it even more.

"Elowen, if you don't tell me what is wrong you will go into time out until you calm down," I finally tell her sternly.

She looks at me dead in the eye, and for a moment I am worried that the terrible twos were her terrible threes.

"I want paw-paw!" Owen screams at me, and it guts me inside out. I thought the transition had gone smoothly, she hadn't really reacted at all to the changes around her that we tried to be minimal as possible. This was one thing I wasn't expecting, I didn't think Owen would miss my parents being with Ken and me.

"Paw-Paw is at work," I tell her as Ken comes back inside.

"Paw-paw, paw-paw, paw-paw!" She shouts at us, stamping her feet.

"Elowen," I warn her

"Rilla just call them," Ken tells me.

"And what? Have them think that I just want child-free time?" I hiss at him.

"I highly doubt that they will think that by the way, she is screaming for them. I am sure they miss her just as much as she misses them." Ken reminds me with a touch of sarcasm to his voice meaning he was annoyed by my reluctance right now. "You told your father that they are welcome to see her did you not?"

"Of course I did!" My voice raises. "But it's not like they have made an effort in seeing her either Ken."

"Paw-Paw!'" Owen's cries get louder.

"Fuck all of this right now," I say marching back into the living room. "Owen, if you don't stop this we can't watch out movies," I try and bribe her.

"No, no no! Grammy and Paw Paw!" She stamps her feet in the process. Poor Jack who was just trying to rest up looked up from his bed.

"Okay, Jesus, " I mutter as I grab my phone I hit dads number and give her the phone as it comes onto a video call. Maybe if it comes from her it won't sound like I'm looking to pawn her off for an afternoon? I pray that is how it will be anyway.

"Pawpaw me come…see you," she tells him getting through her words, still sniffly.

"Of course, you can come to see me," Dad says automatically. "But I have to finish work, but I can come by afterwards?"

"Pancakes?"

"I'm sure I can rustle up some pancakes if you're a good girl, can I talk to mummy for a moment?" He asks and she holds out the phone to me. We haven't spoken since the night I officially left their house.

"Are you all right with her coming over?" He asks me outright.

"Am I going to be all right if you want to take my screaming child for a few hours?" I say sarcastically. "Go ahead, have a sleepover if you want," I tell him sarcastically rubbing my temple at the headache I pounded beyond my eyes.

"I'll swing by, we'll feed her dinner and then you can pick her up," he tells me. "Are you okay?

"I'll get Ken to pick her up," I tell him and I watch him sigh because I was still avoiding the house. "I'm fine, I'm just exhausted from early mornings and my head is pounding."

"Are you sleeping?" Dad asks.

"I get as much sleep as I can get," I say in an annoyed tone. "Just let me know when you're here and we'll bring her down."

I look at Ken for a long moment, relishing in the quietness once my Dad picks up Owen.

"If it was any other day I would jump your bones right now, but honestly, that seems like a horrible idea after all the screaming. That would just be like asking karma or god knows what for another as a joke."

"Fair enough," Ken chuckles tiredly. "I got pretty much nothing done today anyway. I still need to drop by the office?"

"If you go to the office, I'll use the hour to get some dance in and then we can do some groceries and who knows maybe after all that and a boring dinner, sex might sound fun?" I joke lamely.

"Grab your dance stuff then," Ken tells me, shaking his head but the tips of his lips were curling up into a smile.

I text Tessa on our way there, she just tells me to lock up when I am done and to sign the logbook. The shop was open after all. I wave hello to one of the young girls who now work my old job. I sign myself into the studio.

My head is still pounding as I work out the stiffness of my body. I roll with the motions, trying to get out of my head, trying to push the headache from my mind.

My toes and feet are pointed as I move through quick little steps. My phone buzzes and when it's not Ken it's not someone I expected to text me. I toss it aside and go back to my dancing, I know I shouldn't but I didn't want to deal with that yet.

I stare at myself in the mirror, searching my body and face. I can close my eyes and see myself in my work clothing. Dressed up, with makeup and heels on, wondering just who that woman is to me when I think of her. I sigh shaking my head, trying to shake the feeling that threatened to sink into my bones at this point.

The song changes as I feel the lyrics call out to me, bringing me back to Ken's birthday. It's still all in my head, waiting to be actual steps. I never had the chance since hearing it, and my body takes over.

I remember when her heart broke over stubborn shit
That's no way to be a living kid
The angel of death is ruthless

Island smiles and cardigans
The nights that we've been drinking in
We're here to help you kill all of this hurt that you've been harbouring

I pant as I sit on the floor, beneath me as I lean forward stretching out my back as I lay my forehead on the cool floor. I'm still there when Ken comes to find me, he helps me to my feet.

"Why did I think she wouldn't react or miss them?" I say out loud to him. "I mean they have been there all of her life so far and suddenly they aren't there. I literally just uprooted her, with no explanation."

"It's not your fault, we couldn't have known. We always hear that kids are resilient, they adapt quickly to changes at times. You did what you thought was right for both of you and if one day she asks about it. I'm sure she will understand. Her missing your parents doesn't make you cruel or a bad parent. It's just an unfortunate side effect that we didn't expect to happen." Ken tells me.

He drives us home, occasionally squeezing my thigh or holding my hand. We pick up dinner on the way home and eat quietly while our feet still play footsies with each other. I ask him about his latest thing of work, watching him with pride as he gets into something I know nothing about but I try to understand anyway. We do the dishes, letting them dry before Ken heads out to pick up Owen and I curl up on the couch.

"Your father is going to kill me in my sleep," Ken's voice bellows as I look up from my spot on the couch, Jack is cuddled into me who still has his bandage on his little paw for another day or two. At least he was coneless at this point much to his delight, though his days were generally full of cuddles.

Owen seems happier as she comes zooming into the room talking a mile a minute about everything she did with my parents. I look at Ken and he mouths later and I get Owen into the bath to calm her down and wash her hair.

We get Owen settled into her bed and her nightlight of a starry ceiling twinkling above her before we do our own nightly routines.

"So what happened?" I ask later as I watch him shave as I sit on the edge of the tub. It's still strange that he does this as often as I shave my legs.

He looks at me through the mirror, setting down his razor after finishing a long sweep on his cheek.

"Well, apparently not only does Owen really like to curse when she drops things, which we need to work on not doing. But when your dad tried to explain she couldn't say such things, she went on about who mommy says it and went on to explain that well 'Mommy went peepee stick on the potty." Ken says before calmly doing another stroke with his razor and immediately looking up. "It was a very awkward pick up that was for sure when they asked what Owen had meant."

"Are you freaking serious," I quickly catch myself. "We're both dead in that case."

"Yeah, I tried to backtrack and explain as much as I can, that we didn't think you were. It was just a precaution, that you said sometimes you can miss a month here and there but it usually happened when you weren't seeing someone?" Ken further explains in between his shaving.

"And?"

"He said okay with a very soul-burning look and told us to do better? Your mother actually just reminded him that that was true and it does happen sometimes on the pill but if it keeps happening that you might want to look into a new brand?"

I raise my eyebrows at the mention of my mother that didn't sound like her at all.

"You were okay with the other week?" I ask quietly. "It's not something we ever discussed before?"

"If you're okay with it, I'm okay with it? It's not like we're dating other people?" Ken says simply.

"Well, we know I don't like sharing certain things?" I say with a small smirk. "I had a full check-up back in February and everything seemed to be good and clear?"I add on.

"Vicky couldn't take hormonal birth control, so we never," Ken says awkwardly. Because who likes the reminder that you slept with other people? "But I had a doctor's appointment for something else and they did the basics back in November and they ruled out those first." I frown tilting my head.

"What happened? Are you okay?" I ask him worried.

"Oh yeah just had a weird bump down around my balls, it ended up being nothing?" Ken says not embarrassed at all. "Are you okay with it?"

"I think so? I mean it's just weird to process in a way. Having been lectured on such things for so long? Tristan never asked so it was never brought up with him. It's just new and I know Olivia and Nan being with their guys don't bother with condoms these days and feel safe and secure about it. So it's a bit confusing, like what is right? Is there a right or wrong? Is what makes you feel safe just subjective to the relationship? Is it really that bad if we trust each other? But at the same, it was the hottest sex I ever had. No fumbling, not worried about waking up the monster moving to the bedroom?"

"It can definitely be subjective, especially at certain points of a relationship. Truthfully if it wasn't for us I'd be a lot more cautious about it. But it often feels like we've been together for years at this point even when we weren't?" Ken says. "Not sure if that's entirely a good thing or not but it's how it feels to me?"

"I feel the same way, hell the other day someone asked when we got together and without thinking I just said August. Because in my head it started long ago in August." I say blushing.

"It makes sense in a way, March is the technical but August is emotionally ours?" Ken says thinking about it for a moment.

"So basically we can do what feels right at the moment for us?" I say to him. "I think if we're near them we should use them but if we're not if we're somewhere else. We're in a moment, or maybe in the shower? It would be okay with me if we didn't?

"And anytime one of us doesn't feel comfortable about it, or you forgot a pill we don't question, we use them," Ken adds on. "It's all about communication after all."

"It is and thank you," I say getting up and wrapping my arms around his neck.

"For what?" Ken asks, a smile breaking onto his face.

"For just being you and putting up with me?" I tell him, I wipe a streak of shaving cream from his face.

I think it is important to remember that these sorts of conversations between couples are different, and happen in all different times and settings. I have used my own personal experience and made my own research from friends asking them about their experiences and how they navigated these subjects in their relationships. There is no right or wrong, good or bad as it all comes down to what you are personally comfortable with in all of these conversations that have happened in this chapter. Rilla and Ken are just doing what feels right to them in a committed adult relationship.

But in all realness, safe sex in whatever choices and ways that works for you is always the best thing!

Hope everyone else has had a good week so far! If you have any time to spare I always enjoy reading your comments!

Tina.