Guests- I am glad you both enjoyed the ending and Nan's surprise! I loved writing it that is for sure! Thank you both for the lovely comments!
I sigh as I open the door of the apartment. I toss my work bag on the floor as I kick off my shoes. I had messages from Nan on my phone that I needed to reply to, she had sent photos of Theo on her chest and asked millions of questions about breastfeeding and how it was for me. Things she never really considered asking me ever before, she found herself asking for the first time.
I make my way into the kitchen following the sound of Owen laughing.
"Mommy!" She called out. "Your Home!" She hugs my legs and I smile and run my hand over her head.
"I am," I say smiling, though I feel exhausted. I toss my bag aside sighing as I sink into the chair, trying to go over all the things Nan asked me while I was at work. Trying to think back to all the small details that had been my life not long ago.
I barely notice Ken bringing me a plate of food as I type.
"Sorry Nan was asking things," I tell him looking up. "How was your day?"
"All right I guess?" Ken says simply. "Got nothing I wanted to be done, done today once you left."
"Did you already have dinner?" I ask looking at the clock.
"We had some Dino nuggets and some Mac and Cheese," Ken tells me kissing my temple. "You look dead on your feet."
"Yeah, you can say that," I say kissing him. I had gone in early to get something approved for work and then spent the next 6 hours running around the city reporting and doing research. "She did have a vegetable with dinner though?" I ask him.
"A few slices of cucumber, it's what I could get her to eat," he says. "Though one night without a main vegetable won't hurt her."
"She needs greens Ken," I say groaning. "and more than a few pieces of cucumber."
"She had plenty with lunch, seriously Rilla that kid eats healthier than any person I know at work. One night of chicken nuggets and Mac and cheese won't hurt her." Ken says trying to get me to see the reason.
I know he's been stressed about the upcoming semester, and something about his research not clicking for him. We're both on edge, and it showing tonight it appears.
"Balances meals need vegetables, I don't care if you have to mix in broccoli into the macaroni and cheese if you need to."
"I think I know what she eats more in a day than you right now," Ken retorts.
"Oh yes, it's my fault that I'm not home," I say snapping. "Welcome to what was my life has been for years, Ken. Being home with her when I wasn't working or when she wasn't with you. She was with me far more often than she was with you."
"Well, I thought we agreed that we're not giving her some weird complex over food," Ken says snapping back as he drops the sponge into the sink.
"Having her eat healthy things like vegetables at dinner isn't a food complex, it's basic common sense," I snap at him. "But that's for telling me you think I'm just going to screw her up one day."
"The way you approach food it is, yeah you're better in the way that you will actually bloody eat something these days. But I see you see look at your plate and decide what is worth eating or not. You may not actively count your calories Rilla, but you still judge almost everything you put in your mouth. You do realize she watches you?"
"I can't do this, right now," I tell him. I get Owen into the bath and bed before I clean up her toys in silence. Before I grab my purse and throw on my shoes as Ken watches me wanting to clearly talk.
"Don't," I tell him. "I'm going for a walk, I'll be back."
I haven't been back to my parent's house in a while, at least in a few weeks. Mom's car is gone, it makes me wonder if she's still in Halifax helping Nan. They had been there on and off for the past two weeks. Well, mom anyway, Dad had to work and came back via the ferry.
He does a small double take as he sees me, we sit out on the back patio. He brings out a bowl of popcorn and hands me a can and I read it.
Gin and tonic.
I look at him bewildered as he holds his beer. He doesn't drink often because he never knows if he will be called to the hospital but he must have an ensured day off.
"What? I mean we all know you drink and it looks like you could use one."
"So what happened?" He asks and I shrug and sigh.
"We fought," I tell him taking another drink. "I put Owen to bed and then I just told him I was going for a walk and somehow I ended up here."
"Fights happen, it's how you work through it that makes or breaks a couple," Dad tells me taking a swig of his beer. "What was the fight about?"
"I tried to tell them that dinosaur chicken nuggets, mac and cheese, and a few slices of cucumber isn't a proper dinner and that she needed an actual serving of vegetables," I tell him sighing. "He accused me of placing my issues with food on her when I argued with him."
"You know for a good while when you were about Owens age you refused to eat anything green," Dad says simply before sobering. "But I can understand Ken's fears, and I feel like I'm treading a fine line right now. So do you want advice and help on nutrition for yourself, or do you want parenting and relationship advice?" Dad says looking at me intently, taking a drink from his beer.
I mainly shrug.
"Look, are you better than before from what I can tell, yes. Even if you still have a very rigid diet and while you have gotten better about allowing yourself sweets and not constantly counting calories at least to the extent that you used to. No parent likes or wants to see their child struggle with such things, Owen learns from watching both of you and she will pick up on your attitude about such things if you are not careful."
I groan lightly and pull my legs up to my chest. "I never want her to be like me, he knows that Dad."
"I'm sure he knows that and didn't mean what he said. He just worried for both of you, knowing you still struggle while wanting better for yourself. Not the best way to go about it, but you're still figuring out what it's like to be in a relationship versus just co-parents. And while I didn't agree with the decision those years ago making you learn to deal with each other and the differences you might have as your mother did back when you were pregnant. The fact that you are here, trying to figure out what to do, and not just looking for a way to punish him says much about the two of you these days."
"Beth says it will take time to adjust to the changes," I say quietly, the alcohol making my body relax a bit more. Probably the first time I admit that the changes haven't been easy and harder than expected. "The sex being great doesn't mean you have everything figured out."
"No, it does not," Dad coughs and clears his throat and takes another drink and so do I. Both pretend that I did not say that last part.
"So no advice?"
"I think you already know what I will tell you," Dad says. "Apologize and mean it and promise to try harder with your eating and trust him with his judgements when it comes to parenting. He's a good father, probably better than we all initially thought he might be in the scheme of things. If she eats all the vegetables at lunch, then don't worry about dinner vegetables, it's all give and take Rilla. Don't turn things into an argument for the sake of arguments sake. No one is feeding her cake for breakfast behind your back."
I nod my head slowly.
"How Is Nan doing?" I ask him.
"She's all right, given everything. Theo most likely is in the neonatal unit until he gains appropriate weight, learns to breathe on his own and can manage the car seat test. You were very smart to bring her to the hospital, she was lucky you were there at all."
"It felt like deja-vu," I tell him truthfully. "I just saw the microwave clock, her in pain. I didn't really know, but it felt all too familiar. I just reacted?"
"You would have made a good support nurse or something," Dad says after a moment. "Though your work at the CBC is lovely as well of course."
"Thank you," I say quietly. I would never manage anything like being a nurse, not really anyway as much as he thinks I could have been anyway.
We talk for a little bit more, as he munches on some of the white cheddar popcorn that I pick at best. Mom double takes as she sees me when she comes home through the backyard. I thought dad would have told her but I guess he didn't.
"I should get back home," I say quietly. It feels weird to say that out loud to him because home isn't here anymore. "It's late," I say.
"How did you get here?" Mom asks realizing there were no other cars.
"I walked," I say simply. "It's not that far."
"I'll drive you back," Mom says, clearly seeing Dad's open beer.
"It's fine you just got home," I say shaking my head.
"Just get in the car Rilla," Mom says and I sigh. I stand and hug Dad goodbye who stands ups and kisses the top of my head as he hugs me back.
I get into mom's car, realizing it is one I haven't really been in since they had given me her old one to use back in school.
"So how is Nan?" I ask mom, knowing would get a different answer from her than Dad.
"And emotional wreck, not that you will ever repeat that, but I think you know what I mean when I say that to begin with," Mom says.
I nod, my head because I do, I know exactly what she means in many ways. Those early days were extremely exhausting and emotional, with so many hormones and healing happening that everything can and will make you cry at some point.
"Are you okay?" She asks me at the stop sign at the end of the street. "You are the last one of our children I would think I would find you drinking with your father on a Thursday night."
"Yeah," I say simply with a shrug. "I'll survive, because at the end of the day what doesn't kill you, just gives you trauma."
"Rilla," Mom says with a catch in her voice.
"It's fine, I just got angry at Ken and Dad gave me some perspective," I tell her, really hoping she would just let it go.
She doesn't though of course.
"It must have been something big for you to come home to vent about it?" Mom says carefully asking for more.
"It's neither big nor small, just a fact of my life. Either way, he was right if I don't do better, or at least try better in front of her I'll ruin her relationship with food for all of her life." I say simply. "I really don't wish to get into it, and I am eating and no I don't need help," I tell stress to her.
"I had a good chat with Di the other night as well," Mom tells me, picking up on my wanting of a new subject. Though the subject she chooses isn't tremendous either to me.
"Makes sense," I say simply.
"She showed me the rest of the photos and behinds the scenes stuff. She even had Maya confirmed that she didn't expect anything from you." Mom explains. "Actually she has a video, not of you, well you can hear you talking to the photographer about posing and outright telling her what you were comfortable with," Mom says. "I guess I didn't think you would ever be comfortable with that sort of thing? Though a warning might have been nice."
"I didn't think I could do it until I did it, and it wasn't exactly easy, but Di is right. I can't let it be another thing taken from me," I say quietly. "Choosing to help my sister, even in such a photograph did let me take back a small ounce of my own autonomy that was stolen from me. I mean it doesn't change my stance on Owen, and I like the final say on anything. But I can't hide forever, and those photos don't show my face so it's fine, and everything that needed to be covered is covered. They won't harm work, but it's not like you can tell it's me, and I even double-checked with them." I tell her.
"Well, that is good," Mom says after a moment and pulls into the parking lot of Ken's building. "If you have anything for Nan I can take it along when I go back in about two weeks. I put in for a bit of leave in mid-September when Theo should be able to go home if it all goes well." Mom tells me.
"I'll go through the boxes, that joy didn't take," I say simply. "I was wondering if you might be willing to watch Owen for me on the 11th?" I bite my tongue. "We sorta want to go out for dinner or something?"
"Is there a reason for such dinner?" Mom asks rather shocked that I asked her.
"It's August," I say shrugging. "It's like your September I guess?"
"My September?" Mom raises an eyebrow before she realizes. "Oh—how your father and I celebrate our actual wedding ceremony, rather than the day at the courtyard?" She says with a catch in her voice. It wasn't a secret, but it was never something really spoken about in the house growing up.
"Well, you do? I mean you go out for a date in May, someone once told me that it's the anniversary of when you first met years ago," I say to her before I add on honestly. "I never really thought much of the wedding one until recently I guess?"
"We were volunteering at this summer camp over May long weekend. I was fifteen, your dad was seventeen. It was a rather interesting day at the arts and crafts table that weekend that is for sure." Mom says nodding. "As for March and September, I guess we never really celebrated March. Neither of us wanted to get married, but it was the thing to do back them, don't get me wrong. We don't necessarily regret the day, of course, we are still married after all. When we finally had a proper wedding, or proper as the backyard can be, but a proper wedding with friends and family all around us, Joy twirling in her dress and Marilla and Uncle Matthew in their best Sunday dress. Diana as my maid of honour, it was finally real for us. It wasn't a thing we needed to do because I was having a baby, it was a day to show how much we loved each other."
I nod my head looking down at my hands.
"I didn't realize that August was that sort of thing for both of you. I would have thought you would have kept to March?" Mom says next.
"I—We, I guess it August was our beginning. Even apart it always felt like there was a connection," I say trailing off. "I know you don't want to hear about us."
"Look, I know I didn't take the news well, and we don't need any I told you so's from either side of the story so I won't go there," Mom reminds me of my choices when it came to ditching therapy and medication. "But ultimately I want you to be happy, and I want you to be able to talk to me about things when you want to talk about things with me. If that means telling me about Ken from time to time, maybe it will help me better grasp the two of you together in a relationship, beyond what I feel like I shouldn't know already because of pillows and other things. If you feel like August is the day to celebrate, it's not my place to tell you, you are wrong, especially when your father and I do the same thing."
I nod my head, looking up at the balcony, the light is on and you could see the shadow of Jack enjoying the night air.
"I should go in, " I say sighing. "Thank you for the ride home."
"Whatever you fought about, talk it through and just listen to each other, that is what Marilla would always tell me." She says. I nod my head, and she catches my shoulder and pulls me close enough for a kiss on the temple.
"If I didn't say it already, thank you for being there for Nan as well," Mom reminds me and I nod my head.
I let myself into the building, and walk up the stairs. I quietly unlock the door, I can hear the tv on low and the lamp is on. Ken looks over from his spot on the couch, his laptop is on his lap so it must be working on something still.
I kick off my shoes and place them on the shoe rack and walk over to the couch and sit down beside him on the other side. He doesn't speak, and mostly finishes whatever thought he had in his mind, before closing his computer.
We sit in silence for a good moment. Not sure what exactly to say to each other.
"I went to my parent's house, Dad was there," I say quietly. "Sorry if I worried you," I say meaning his text messages I refused to respond to two hours ago.
"I shouldn't have said what I said," he says. "For that I am sorry, it was careless of me to bring that up as I did."
"You weren't wrong though," I tell him quietly.
"Right or wrong doesn't mean it was right let alone nice of me," Ken tells me.
"I should trust you more, if you had no problems with dinner I shouldn't have said anything."
"Thank you," Ken said simply. "Look I know you have a complicated history around food and what it means and does to you. I know and I see how hard you try to not affect Elowen and I am extremely proud of that. But much like I don't fight you on your eating habits unless necessary. Because I do notice, I notice that you still write down everything you eat most days." Ken says looking me in the eyes.
"Some habits are hard to break," I say quietly, hugging my waist from view like another old habit.
"I know, and unless you give me a reason to worry like before, I will let it go," Ken tells me, meaning the calorie counting and all the extreme things I used to do to ensure that I lost weight. "Either way, I will never force her to eat something she doesn't want to eat. There is no good or bad food with her, you're the one who started that, to begin with, and it's good for her to think that way. If tomorrow at dinner all I can get her to eat is pasta and butter I call it a win if the next night she eats a plate full of broccoli and refuses her protein or milk. Then I guess she'll survive the night because forcing her to eat is never the answer. She'll eat when she's hungry, and knowing how stubborn you are with food and how hard it is to get you to eat something when you say you don't feel like eating. Even when I know you haven't eaten anything since the day before or that morning. It's not pleasant talking to a wall, and I refuse to do that with her." He tells me firmly.
I nod my head cautiously, looking down at the hands I drop in my lap. I hear him place his computer off to the side.
"Come here," he says quietly. It takes me a good moment before I nudge myself closer to him. He wraps one arm around me and nudges my chin up with the other. "I know you would never willingly ever want Elowen to feel like you have in the past or do the things you have done to yourself. I am truly sorry that I implied that earlier to you, that was truly unfair of me."
I nod my head as best I could.
"I'm sorry I just left as it did," I say quietly.
"Your dad did text me, so I knew where you were," Ken says with a small grin. "I love you."
He says it's so perfectly as his forehead leaning against mine.
"I love you too," I say quietly and curl myself into him more.