Walk The Line
It's hard not to mix business with pleasure. Maybe because we never know where the line is. How can we know if we've crossed it, if there's no line for us to see. We blindly grope for some kind of guideline to lead us from the past into out future.
She heard the beep of the machine, the first thing that she heard was the beep of the machine. She saw a cup of water in front of her and she took it. Her arms were weak, but she still took it.
She made contact with the person holding the cup and she looked up to see who it was…
"…Derek?"
"Hello Meredith."
She stared at him for a second, "This is a dream, a really bad medically induced dream. You're going to go away after I pinch myself…"
"Meredith, I'm really here."
"Seiously?...Seriously!"
"Seriously."
It suddenly dawned on her why he was here, "You aren't operating on me…"
It was an accusation, and they knew it. Derek's silence was her only answer.
"No, I'm not doing it then, I'm fine…I can walk…"
"Meredith, don't stress yourself."
"You're not operating on me are we clear?"
"Mer…"
"Don't call me that!"
"Meredith, listen to me!" Derek said in a low voice. Meredith glowered but kept silent.
"You're in bad shape, you have a blood clot in a very awkward spot and we need to remove it ASAP. Now you can put up a fight and loose, or you can go along with this…"
"I can't do it… I don't want it…"
"Mer…"
"Don't come near me, don't touch me and don't call me that!" She started to hyperventilate.
"Meredith, breathe Meredith!"
She did, two breaths, one in, one out, one in, one out….
Then it came out, with every emotion in her body it slipped out.
"Haven't you done enough?"
Derek laughed bitterly, "I can't get enough Meredith, you know that…I'm a sink with an open drain."
She was rolled into the hospital room slowly. Derek watched as they put her under.
"Are you ready?" It was another intern, not the four that he had expected.
The boy nodded.
"Scalpel…"
The clot came out quickly, it was textbook case. Derek saw no other problems and quickly fixed her. It was almost too simple. The clot had grown so it was half the size of a ping pong ball
"All right, do you want to suture up?"
The boy nodded mutely.
"Okay, now be careful…all right, try to take it out steady…"
Derek let himself disappear behind a shell of his own thoughts.
He was hurt, not hurt Meredith was hurt, he was upset. He knew he hurt her, he knew he had to hurt her. He knew she would act hostile, but he was the best. He hated to say it, but he was the best that could be offered to her. He wanted to help and make the hurt go away, but life didn't work like that, it never did and probably never will…
He smiled at the intern from behind his mask. He closed the skull flap and then nodded to the anesthesiologist. He said three little words.
"Bring her out…"
He had sat there, annoyingly, like a puppy.
"It's sickening." Cristina muttered. They were at the receptionist's desk watching Derek.
"I think it's sweet…"
"Are you on crack Izzie? Have you forgotten what he did?"
Izzie cleared her throat and mumbled something.
"What?"
"He…told me that Addison thought she was pregnant…"
George was quiet.
"He left her…"
"He didn't know."
"You three can't be resentful forever…" Bailey murmured.
"I'll be resentful for a long time…a VERY long time." George muttered.
Bailey sighed, "O'malley, Shepard is a man, and men make mistakes. It's never too late you know. That was off the record."
Cristina shot another look at them, "I don't want him back, if she lives, and she probably will…I want him to leave."
"You have no say, Meredith does and she'll make the decision…"
"She has to choose…"
Meredith spoke slowly, "Are you watching me sleep?"
"I'm watching you yes…"
"That's creepy Shepard."
"I know Meredith."
"Can you stop?"
"Why?"
"It's hard to sleep with someone watching you."
Derek was silent.
Meredith didn't bother to open her eyes.
"You used to watch me sleep."
"You knew?"
"You weren't exactly discrete." Her eyes opened slowly, "You used to pet my hair and tell me that you loved me…"
Derek nodded, smiling slightly, "If it makes you feel better…"
"Nothing will make me feel better Derek."
"I can think of something…"
"What?"
"Madeline."
Meredith almost hyperventilated.
There is a point when we start to learn, there is no line. We always mix business with pleasure because that's what makes life interesting. We don't know when to stop. The line that's supposed to guide us is only dragging us deeper.
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-MK