You'll Never Know

We all have decisions. As much as we don't like them, or even regret them life throws decisions at us. Being human we don't always make the right one, but we try to decide from what we know. Sometime we'll never know and we make a decision from no basis at all. Then we cross our fingers and hope for the best.

"Meredith, were you planning on telling me?"

She was silent, "You have no claim to her."

"I'm her father…"

"No, father's are there in birth, fathers marry the mother, not have an affair and leave a woman pregnant and then leave the state…"

Derek was quiet.

"How is Addison?" Meredith spat it.

"Meredith."

"What?"

He smiled again, the smile that melted her heart, "She's beautiful."

"Addison!"

"Maddy, she's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen…"

"You're not allowed to say that, you have no right or claim." It was in a voice he'd never heard from Meredith.

"Mer…"

"Derek…"

"She needs a father."

Meredith opened her mouth and closed it.

"No."

"What?"

"She doesn't need a father."

Derek was quiet trying to think of something to say.

"Well?"

"She fits so nicely in my arms…Meredith…I know you're mad at me but think of what you're doing."

"What am I doing Derek?"

"You're depriving Maddy of her father, you know that she needs a father. What's going to happen when she needs a liver transplant, or if you get in another accident? Meredith think about her for once. Doesn't she deserve something better?"

"She deserves better than you."

Derek felt like she had slapped him, but she couldn't take it back and he couldn't deny it.

"I deserved that."

"You do. She deserves a father without strings, someone who lives in Seattle, someone who is single, someone who loves me. She deserves a family…" Her voice dropped off. She didn't want Maddy to end up like her, desperate for love, trying to cling on to every shred of her life.

"Meredith."

"What?"

"Meredith…I'd do anything for her…"

She watched him for a second.

"It's been two years Derek." She sounded lost, torn.

"I know, sleep for now Meredith…you'll need a rest."

"Will you watch me?"

"I will…"

Meredith thought about it.

"What do you think?"

"He's an ass." It was plain, it was Cristina.

"She deserves a father." Izzie pointed out.

"She deserves better than him." George's voice was flat.

"He loves her." Izzie's optimism was evident.

Nobody could argue with that.

"He loves Addison." Meredith said bitterly.

"He still loves Em, can you deny that Mer?" Izzie again.

Meredith paused, "I can't."

"What're you going to do?"

Meredith sighed, "Nothing, he has a right to visit his daughter, I have a right to move on." Her face was still, but everyone could tell she way trying hard to hold everything in.

Cristina looked at Burke for a moment.

"If you ever cheat on me, I will make you so miserable that…"

"I promise that I'll never cheat on you."

"Or break up with me, I'm going to break up with you if it ever happens…"

"I won't cheat or break up with you."

"Or if you…"

"Cristina, I will be the model boyfriend, I will stay faithful and always love you. I will let you walk over me time and time again. Are you content?"

Cristina paused for a second, and then nodded, "Okay."

"Okay?"

"Okay, you heard me. Okay."

"Okay…so how's Meredith?"

Cristina opened her mouth, and tried to find the proper words, "I don't like him."

"Derek?"

"Shepard, yes. I don't like him."

"Cristina."

"I'm allowed to not like him Burke, he still left her. I'm sure he knew that they weren't always careful."

"He may have had a suspicion, but he had concrete evidence with his wife…"

"I wonder what happened to the baby?"

"Probably a miscarriage. Addison's uterus hasn't been very stable in the past."

"How do you…"

"I know a lot of things Cristina, now I have a consult in three minutes. I will see you tonight." He pecked her cheek.

"We aren't finished this conversation…"

Burke didn't turn around, but waved as he walked off.

Cristina turned sharply to look at some nurses that were gossiping.

"What are you looking at?" She snapped as she turned and walked away.

Derek sat in the cafeteria, eating slowly.

Izzie sat her tray down beside him.

"I'm sorry, did I miss something?"

"It's not because I like you believe me."

"So why are you sitting here?"

"We're going to play a little game I like to call twenty questions."

Cristina sat down to his right, "Hello Shepard, what'd I miss."

"Nothing, first question, Does Addison know you're here."
"Yes…she know I'm here."

"Question two, is all of your stuff in New York still?"

"No, I got Addison to send it to me."

"Three, what happened to Mark?"

"I don't know, what happened to Mark?"

"Do you still love her?"

"Who?"

"Who do think?"

"Meredith?" Derek frowned slightly.

Izzie rolled her eyes, but nodded slightly.

Derek was quiet, "Can I pass?"

"Shepard."

"I can't answer that."

"All right then, did you know that you hurt her?" Cristina muttered.

"Yes."

'So why did you keep on stringing her along." It was an accusation, not a question.

"You both know that I didn't mean to…string her along…"

Their pagers went off, and Derek watched as they walked away.

"Derek can I speak to you, in my office for a second…?" Came the soft and commanding voice.

"Sure Chief…"

"I am an idiot. I am a stupid idiot…" Meredith muttered softly to herself.

It had been two years, two long years and two years that weren't easy. She had to work against the reputation that she had built up, she had to work against her mother's reputation and compete with her own friends.

The hardest thing was to juggle all that and a baby daughter who was barely two. However, even harder than that was trying to figure out what was right for her daughter.

"You aren't an idiot Mer…"

She glared at him, and then sighed, "I'm have every reason to be mad at you."

"I know."

"I may not stop being angry at you for a long time."

"I know."

"But Maddy needs a father Derek…."

"I know."

"What's to say the trauma didn't produce something else. What if that something kills me…? Derek, George Izzie and Cristina won't raise her right, she's not their child…"

"I know Meredith."

"But this doesn't mean I love you Derek. No that's wrong…I may love you, but you didn't pick me, so I can't love you…you're untouchable…"

"Mer?"

"Derek?"

"I'm sorry."

"I know."

Sometimes we'll never know. It's true sometimes we have absolutely clueless. But sometimes we have one idea that helps us to find out everything we need to know. Sometimes we get that gut feeling that tells us what to do. Sometimes we just know.