"I have an idea," said Commander Julius Root of the LEP, with a rare mischievous smile. He and Foaly, the centaur, were brainstorming ideas to make their friend, Captain Holly Short, admit what was wrong with her. "Of course, it will only work if her problem really is that she likes the Fowl boy, but…"
"Let's hear it," Foaly said. So Root told him.
"Hmmm…are you sure that will work?" said Foaly doubtfully.
"I think it will. I don't think she realizes that she likes him yet, and this will probably make her figure it out."
"Well…I guess. It's the best plan we've thought of in two hours of think time, so I suppose we'll go with it." Secretly, however, Foaly didn't think it would work. Maybe that was because he was surprised and jealous that Root had figured out what to do before he did. After all, he was the smart one…
"Okay," said Root, bringing Foaly back to the present. "So I'll announce about the karaoke night, and then you tell how you're going to play the music. Then you write a program…"
"I know, I know!" Foaly almost shouted. He was getting tired of the talk. "Okay…you want to announce it now?"
"Uh…sure."
Foaly walked over to the wall and pushed a button. As soon as he touched it, the music which had been emanating from a barely visible speaker quit playing.
"Okay, people," he said into an even more tiny microphone, and his own voice issued from the speaker. "We interrupt this song for a special announcement."
Root took over. "All right, everyone. As you know, the Council has declared this Friday Mud Man Day. The reason for this is, of course, to study and celebrate Mud Men (not that it's necessary, but we have to follow the Council). Now, the LEP is going to celebrate Mud Man Day by having a Mud Man karaoke night. Immediately after work on Friday, you are to report to the Large Hall. There, you will be able to participate by singing Mud Man songs. Everyone is required to attend."
"Even you, Holly," Foaly put in. One of their cameras, that switched around from office to office, was now focused on Holly's office. She was looking rather disgruntled, and when he said that, she groaned. Everyone knew that Captain Short hated Mud Man music. No one knew exactly why. However, considering that this dislike had just happened to begin around the time when the Fowl boy was mindwiped, Root and Foaly could take a fairly good guess.
"So anyway," resumed the commander, "be there. Friday evening right after work, the Large Hall. Thank you." He stepped away from the microphone. "Your turn," he whispered.
"All right," said Foaly. "So here's what I thought. This is in honor of the karaoke night: in just a few minutes, I will be starting our "Mud Man Music Week," in which only Mud Man music will be playing over the intercom."
He switched the camera again to Holly's office. She looked thunderstruck for a moment, then moaned and put her head in her hands. Foaly grinned evilly, looked satisfied, then remembered he was supposed to be helping her.
"Anyway…now, back to the music!" With that, he pushed the button again, and the speakers began emitting music again.
"Now write the program, quick!" hissed Root.
"Okay, okay!" said Foaly. He went to the computer and typed briskly for a moment, then said, "There. It's done."
"Good." Root went over and sat down in a chair. "Oh, boy."
"Oh boy what?"
"I just hope this works…"
"FOALY!" shrieked Holly, running up to the Ops Booth and banging on the glass. "LET ME IN!"
Foaly looked up, surprised. "Okay, all right! Gee!" he said, punching a button. The door slid open. "You don't have to scream at me, you know," he told her. "You could just ask."
"Whatever!"
Foaly frowned. "What's the problem?"
"What's the problem! You have the gall to ask me what the problem is!"
"Gee whiz, you sound like Julius!"
"I DON'T CARE!"
"Holly! Get a grip on yourself! Breathe. In, out, in out. There you go," he added as she began to calm down. "Now tell me, slowly and calmly, what the matter is."
"That dratted, blasted song! I've heard it so many times I know it by heart! I could sing it for the blasted karaoke night if I wanted to!"
"Then why don't you?" said Foaly, with a grin.
Holly lost it. She plunged her hand into her lunch bag, which she had had in her hand when she decided to come talk to Foaly about the song (although "talk" is a bit of an understatement), pulled out the first thing her fingers came in contact with, and pitched it at Foaly. Hard. Unfortunately for her, the object that she threw happened to be a carrot. Centaurs like carrots. Foaly caught the vegetable in midair, smirked, and bit into it.
"Mmmm. Delishush," he pronounced, chewing happily. "Fanksh."
Holly scowled. "Foaly!"
"Sorry," he said, swallowing.
"Anyway," said Holly, "the thing is, I practically know that song by heart now. I could sing it at the karaoke night…even though I won't," she added hurriedly. "The point is, I think there's a bug in your program. That song plays practically every other song. It's really annoying."
"So what do you want me to do about it?"
"Fix the program!" she said impatiently.
"Okay." Foaly went over to his computer, typed for a moment, then turned to Holly. "There. That should be better."
"Thank you," she said, looking relieved, and left, with a parting, "See you later!" over her shoulder.
Foaly leaned back in his chair and smiled. The intentional bug had done its work.
The plan was going well. After Foaly had told Root that Holly had said she could sing the song, it was time to kick back, relax, and wait for the karaoke night. Now it was Friday night, and everyone was swarming into the Large Hall, looking excited. Well, most everyone. Holly was coming in with the crowd, but she didn't look excited. Instead, she looked bored and unhappy, which was only to be expected, given her dislike of human music. Strangely enough, however, Foaly also looked frustrated.
"I can't believe I'm actually going to do this," he muttered to Root as they looked over the heads of the crowd, who were all buzzing excitedly, to Holly, sitting and listening while everyone else talked over her about the coming event.
"Cool it, donkey," said Root, but without the usual threatening tone. "It's all to help a friend."
Foaly didn't answer, just sighed and watched Holly do the same thing, out in the audience.
"Attention, everyone," said the commander into a microphone, and all chatter ceased immediately. "Attention," he repeated, just to make sure everyone was listening. They were. "This is the moment you've been waiting for. This, fellow LEP officers, is the beginning of our fabulous Mud Man karaoke night!"
Applause and cheers greeted this statement. Holly was clapping along with the rest of them, but only halfheartedly. As the noise gradually died down, Root began to speak again.
"Now, I'm sure you all want to know how this will work," he said. Everyone began to clap again, but the commander raised a hand and the hall fell silent once more.
"Here's what we will do. For those of you interested in singing, you will come up and form a line near the stage. When it's your turn, come backstage and choose your song, then you can come out here and sing. As to the song choices, we have many options, from popular music to songs from classic movies. All of the songs you have been hearing this week are available, as well as many others. So, now you know what to expect, let the Mud Man karaoke night begin!" There was applause once more, and Root made a wide sweeping gesture, inviting potential singers to come up. Immediately, ten or fifteen officers ran up to the stage, and the karaoke night officially started.
The night was almost over, and practically everyone in the hall had sung something. There had been some outstanding acts, such as Corporal Lili Frond singing "Don't Go Breaking My Heart" (most of the male officers rushed up to the stage at this), and Foaly's "opera-style" rendition of "The Sound of Music" (which had most people covering their ears and groaning). Holly was almost the only one who hadn't participated. However, everyone, in addition to knowing that Holly hated Mud Man music, also knew that she had the best voice in the LEP, even better than Corporal Frond, and most of the fairies in the auditorium were getting restless, hoping that this second fact would override the first one, and Holly would sing for them. This didn't appear to be happening, however, and when Root came up and tried to close the concert, chaos ensued.
"I'd like to thank everyone who participated tonight…" he began, but a couple of officers began a chant, interrupting him, and soon most of the people in the hall were shouting and stomping their feet.
"WE WANT HOLLY! WE WANT HOLLY! WE WANT HOLLY! WE WANT HOLLY!"
Holly didn't look too happy about this. Root motioned her to come up anyway. She shook her head, but the commander mouthed "That's an order!" in her direction, and she grudgingly obeyed.
"Why did you have to give me an order?" she grumbled at him, once safely backstage. The hall was still filled with a deafening roar, and she had to yell to make herself heard over the noise.
"I just wanted to get you back here! I think you should sing for them!" he shouted back.
"I don't want to."
"I don't really think you have any choice," Foaly told her. "If you want them to stop that, you've got to."
Holly rolled her eyes in frustration, but she nodded and began looking through the list of songs. A minute or two passed, the only sound being the chanting still issuing from in front of the curtain. Finally, however, Holly looked up.
"What am I going to sing?" she said, with her voice still raised over the racket. "I don't know any of these songs."
"What about that one that my program kept accidentally playing?" said Foaly, smiling. At that precise moment, it was taking him a lot of self-control not to wink at Root.
Holly sighed. "I guess so…what are you so happy about, anyway?"
Foaly quickly got rid of the grin. "Nothing. Okay, let's go."
Holly began to walk onstage, then stopped. "Hold it. I just thought of something."
"What?" asked Root.
"That song needs three or four people. There are two different parts, and one of them is for more than one person."
"Well, how many of us do you think there are? Can't you count?" said Foaly, pretending to be his normal sarcastic self.
"Oh…but all the singers are girls."
"Oh well," said the commander.
"But…" Holly said, sounding unsure.
Foaly interrupted her. "Listen to them out there, Holly. They're just dying to hear you sing, and I don't think they're going to stop that until you do. Just go out there and do it. I know you don't like Mud Man music, but it can't be helped. So go sing, and get it over with, unless you want to be chased all the way to Timbuktu by a mob of chanting LEP officers."
Holly looked confused for a moment, doubtless because of Foaly's strange way of putting things, but then she sighed and nodded. "I guess you're right," she said. "It can't be helped. Okay, I'll do it." Foaly nodded, and the group walked out onto the stage. Instantly the chant stopped, and the crowd waited breathlessly for someone to say something.
Root stepped up to the microphone. "Ladies and gentlemen, fellow LEP officers…Captain Short has decided that she will sing for you. So, without further ado…Captain Holly Short!" There was tumultuous applause, and Holly smiled uncertainly and bowed. Then Foaly stepped backstage, and everyone quieted. The music started, and Holly began to sing:
If there's a prize for rotten judgement,
I guess I've already won that.
No man is worth the aggravation…
That's ancient history, been there, done that!
Foaly and Root:
Who'd'ya think you're kidding,
He's the earth and heaven to ya,
Try to keep it hidden,
Honey, we can see right through ya,
Girl you can't conceal it!
We know how you feel and
Who you're thinkin' of!
Holly:
No chance, no way!
I won't say it, no, no.
Foaly and Root:
You swoon, you sigh…
Why deny it? Uh-oh.
Holly:
It's too cliché,
I won't say I'm in love.
I thought my heart had learned its lesson…
It feels so good when you start out.
My head is screaming, "Get a grip, girl,
Unless you're dyin' to cry your heart out!"
Oh
Foaly and Root:
You keep on denyin'
Who you are and how you're feelin'.
Baby, we're not buyin'…
Hon, we saw ya hit the ceiling.
Take it like a grownup!
When ya gonna own up that you
Got, got, got it bad?
Holly:
No chance, no way,
I won't say it, no, no!
Foaly and Root:
Give up, give in!
Check the grin, you're in love!
Holly:
This scene won't play,
I won't say I'm in love…
Foaly and Root:
You're doin' flips!
Read our lips: you're in love!
Holly:
You're way off base;
I won't say it!
Get off my case;
I won't say it!
Foaly and Root:
Girl, don't be proud;
It's okay you're in love.
Holly:
Oh,
At least out loud,
I won't say I'm in love.
Foaly and Root:
Shalalalalala,
Aaaaaaahhhh.
"You should be happy, Holly. That applause was so loud I swear I thought the building would fall down." This encouragement, given by Foaly, did nothing to cheer Holly up. She still sat sulking in a corner.
"I don't care. I can't believe I had to do that."
"Holly?" said Root, as gently as he could. "Is that...the only problem?"
"What are you talking about?" said Holly. "Of course that's the only problem. What else would there be?" But neither the commander nor Foaly believed that she meant this.
"Holly. If there's…something else, you can tell us."
"No, there's not something else," she said angrily. "I don't know what you're trying to get me to tell you, but I assure you, there's nothing else." With that, she stood up and stalked out of the room.
Foaly sighed. "Well, it was worth a try."
Root looked at him. "It's not over yet. She may be in denial, but we'll get her to tell us, one way or the other."
"Are you sure?"
"Of course I'm sure. I'm the commander, aren't I?"