Panda Bear's Art of War
Stunt Server
Author's note: this is a chapter about a stunt server, the 'hero' being, not me, but slowpoke. The odds will be extremely distorted, so expect lots and lots of talking and a very demented and almost impossible strategy. But hey, this is a STUNT SERVER!
Kiwi granted this chapter idea to me! And I must say, this is a very awesome idea; I simply hope that I won't screw it up. Now, on with the tricks!
(Welcome Slowpoke)
"CAPTURE THE FLAG"
The red Spartan known as Slowpoke materialized inside the red base, beside the flag.
INSIDE the red base? He thought incredulously and looked around suspiciously at the all-too-familiar thick-looking concrete walls and the flag right beside him. He turned his head upwards and looked through the opening above into the sky over Bloodgulch. He has indeed spawned inside the red base's flag room.
Something. Fishy. Is. Going. On. Here!
Slowpoke tried to remember the name of the game that he had joined. Usually, he joined any game as long as there was room, disregarding the name altogether; which resulted in many 'pwnings' because some of the servers were named "Ultimate Mega Clan war!". Now as he thought back, he vaguely remembered the words "Stunt" and "Mod" present in the name.
Oh no… Oh YES!
In an instant, he knew what to do, the red Spartan sprinted around the corner and appeared outside.
"OHH! MY GOD!" He nearly fell over with joy and shock; but being the super soldier that is destined to save the human race and be a great propaganda tool for those in power, his armor came with the automatic "Non-fall-over-from-joy-and-shock-function." So Slowpoke stood for a moment, staring at the crowd of Scorpion battle tanks, Ghosts, Warthogs, Banshees, and a bunch of shades. Beside the pile of vehicles that are otherwise non-present in Slowpoke's Halo Trial version, there lay ANOTHER pile of all human AND Covenant weapons. Slowpoke's eyes were instantly trained on the pink/armadillo-like weapon known as a needler.
NEEEEEEEEEEEEDLERSSSSSSSS! YAY!
Slowpoke was, at birth, naturally attracted to shiny, spiky and pink things, and now he squealed happily and ran towards the pile of his favorite equipments, although he can't exactly run, 'slowpoke' and all.
After acquiring his favorite weapon (needler), slowpoke ran beside a parked warthog and climbed in. After the warthog rumbled to life, he pressed the gas pedal and the jeep sped off towards the blue base. It was strange because up till now, no one had been killed yet, and slowpoke hadn't seen one person yet.
(Beavis: Hey slowpoke, switch to blue team.)
(Slowpoke: Nah…) And he drove on.
The warthog hopped over one last hill before the shady blue base came into view.
(Slowpoke: ohh…)
In what seemed like utter chaos around the blue base, tanks were shooting, banshees were swerving and ghosts were trying to run each other over while a fleet of rocket warthogs tried to blast anything that moved. The host must have turned team kill Off because the blue team's 4 tanks were blasting the 4 banshees flying overhead piloted by fellow blue Spartans and no one was hurt; Rocket hogs were driving around and trying to run people over to no avail.
(Bookshelf: He guys look! Slowpoke is red, so we can kill him!) The shooting stopped, and in an instant, 12 pairs of tank cannons, Banshee guns, and rocket launchers were turned in the general direction of slowpoke and his lonely warthog.
(Slowpoke: uhh… guys, we can talk about this…I'm just going to run now.) the lone red Spartan brought his vehicle into a deep swerve and tried to turn it around, but too late. The rocket hogs fired first, then the Banshees flying overhead opened fire with their fuel rod guns, and finally, the 4 tanks blasted Slowpoke to heck with their huge cannons.
(Slowpoke was killed by HOMEWORK)
(Slowpoke was killed by buttplug)
(Slowpoke was killed by thebear)
(Slowpoke was killed by Spartan Linda)
(Slowpoke: is it possible to be killed by 4 people at once?)
(Spartan Linda: LMAO)
(Slowpokes: you guys are mean!)
(Beavis: oh well, no one likes you anyways.)
(Someguy: lol)
(Slowpoke: I'll show you)
After respawning, the red Spartan still refused to switch over to blue team, he was above their lowly ways. The soldier began to strategize inside his base, no matter how hard he thought, he couldn't formulate a plan to take on the massive army of blue team with only one person. He needed help and help fast.
(Welcome Panda Bear)
(Panda Bear: Eh? For some reason, I was pulled from my last match and spawned here, what's the deal? I was getting mad shots of chocolate milk too!)
Team COM begins
(Slowpoke: O…kay…I need help taking on the blue team Panda, we are two against twelve.)
(Panda Bear: Okay, brief me about the situation.)
(Slowpoke: First of all, we're screwed almost beyond hope.)
(Panda Bear: o…kay, why am I here then? I'm leaving.)
(Slowpoke: No, no wait!)
Team COM ends(Beavis: hey Panda, switch to blue team.)
(Slowpoke: Shut up, give me a sec here.)
(Beavis: Sorry, no need to spaze on me!)
(Spartan Linda: Lol)
Team COM begins(Panda Bear: why don't we just get into those tanks and blast them?)
(Slowpoke: …They have 4 tanks, 4 banshees, a crap load of ghosts, and some rocket hogs, ready to toast our a$$, all guns aimed in our general direction.)
(Panda Bear: Oh…)
(Slowpoke: So, here's the plan, in order to beat them, we need the element of surprise, and nothing is better for surprise than a STUNT!)
(Panda bear: O…Kay? You are going to juggle oranges and scare them to death? GET IT? JUGGLE? SLOWPOKE? LMAO)
(Slowpoke: …)
(Slowpoke: And no, not that kind of stunt, Juggling doesn't even count as a stunt btw, I meant as in Halo stunts, like jumping really high and stuff.)
(Panda Bear: Oh, I see, as in, glitches/stunts stunts! Cool! Is this one of those stunt servers?)
(Slowpoke: Apparently)
(Panda Bear: Cool! What are we going to do!)
(Slowpoke: What do you think will surprise them the most?)
(Panda Bear: Err… a flying… Panda? ROFL)
Slowpoke paused in his thoughts.
(Slowpoke: Wow, THAT IS AN AWESOME IDEA!)
(Panda Bear: Okay, I was just joking, no need to get sarcastic, even if I am a Panda, I'm in a armor suit, and they won't know me if I wave bamboos at them!)
(Slowpoke: No, not the Panda thing, flying! That'll definitely surprise them, AND, if we are flying, we'll be harder to hit!)
Team COM ends(Dirtbag 2: Okay, why is no one talking?)
(Chuck Norris: You FOOL Dirtbag! Can't you see that the EVILLE red team is scheming against us in their own communicating devices! Oh, you fool, you just broke my concentration while I tried to penetrate their psychological defenses and dig deep into their thoughts! BUWAHAHAHA)
(Entire Blue Team: … Chuck, stop talking.)
(Chuck Norris: I am never loved.)
Team COM begins(Panda Bear: Okay, they know we are scheming? How does that work for your "element of surprise"?)
(Slowpoke: Not well, now listen, this is what I want to do, I want you to make a ramp with the tank and blast me when I go off your tank/ramp and make me literally fly into their defenses! Haha! I am a Genius!)
(Panda Bear: You suspiciously remind me of 343 Guilty… spark…) Panda Bear fingered the barrel of his assault rifle. (Okay, I can see why you are being pwned, for one thing, did you remember that tanks blasting you would KILL you? INCLUDING your own teammates?)
(Slowpoke: No, the host turned team kill off, so we can't kill each other)
(Panda Bear: Really?)
(Slowpoke: yeah… why?)
(Panda Bear: hehehe.) Panda Bear suddenly dropped down from over head into the flag room, facing slowpoke, and stuck a plasma grenade perfectly in the center of Slowpoke's visor. He backed away and moments later, the grenade detonated, but slowpoke was completely unharmed. (Panda Bear: Okay, so he really didn't turn on team kill.) If the words could speak, there would undoubtedly be a hint of disappointment in panda's voice.
(Slowpoke: Okay, sticking a plasma grenade on my face is un-called for, but, GO AND GET THE TANK READY!)
(Panda Bear: Kay, whatever.)
Panda Bear ran outside and Slowpoke heard the rumble of the mighty engines of the scorpion main battle tank. Following that, Slowpoke ran outside himself and hopped into a ghost, which hummed and lifted off the floor with a light draft.
By the time that Slowpoke had oriented himself with the controls of the ghost, Panda Bear had already lined up his Scorpion. The tank was positioned so that the front faced the red base, while the cannon was turned 180 degrees backwards to essentially turn the Scorpion into a really big ramp.
(Spartan Linda: Guys, they're on the move, they are getting into some weird formation with a tank and ghost.)
(Beavis: everyone stay calm, two guys can't possibly create anything so surprising that they'll catch us all off guard and essentially kill us all, not a chance… yup, not a chance in hell.)
(Chuck Norris: You FOOL! You just jinxed us all with your EVILLE mouth! Now shut up!)
(Entire Blue Team:… I didn't like Beavis' initial comment… but I preferred it over chuck's… )
Slowpoke lined his ghost perpendicular to the middle, front section of the scorpion tank and gave himself enough distance to accelerate to full speed.
(Slowpoke: remember, blast my ghost the moment I fly off the tip of your cannon, that should blast me all the way across Blood Gulch.)
(Panda Bear: Pfft, I'd rather we just went in and blasted everyone)
(Slowpoke: Okay, once again, they have four tanks, four bansh…)
(Panda Bear: Okay okay, I get the point, now just go.)
Slowpoke took a deep breath and pushed on his ghost to accelerate, within 2 seconds, the ghost had accelerated to its top speed and hit the front of the tank at a perfectly 90 degree angle. He went straight and was lifted further by the rotated cannon of the tank, which acted as an extended ramp. The moment that he flew off the tip of the tank, Panda Bear opened fire and the mighty tank blast caught Slowpoke's Ghost perfectly in the rear, which is a bad thing unless you are… well… in Slowpoke's situation.
The tank blast acted as a powerful rocket propulsion that accelerated the negative parabola (a half egg facing up) of the ghost, which flew so high that it touched the ceiling of bloodgulch and slowly began to descend, flying towards the blue base at blinding speed all the while.
(Slowpoke: Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee) Deep Breath (…Hawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!)
(Beavis: Holy crap! What is that purple dot in the sky that is growing steadily larger at an alarming rate and looks strangely like a ghost piloted by a very angry/pissed off/ excited for our demise slowpoke?)
(Dirtbag 2: Okay, that is definitely not Slowpoke, Nothing can do that, fly that high and fast I mean, not even a banshee. I say it's a radioactive garbage bag.)
(thebear: no you idiot! That looks like a spray painted albatross to me)
(buttplug: what the heck is an albatross?)
(Chuck Norris: a really really big bird you fool!)
(Beavis: Okay, guys, I think my initial 'hunch' was correct…)
Slowpoke descended rapidly in his ghost, he had to use the hovering control of the ghost to keep his ground-vehicle-turned-rocket-like-vehicle-that-goes-really-fast-and-high from twisting out of control. In an instant, the ghost struck, smack dab in the middle of the blue team's battle formation, in the junction between Beavis' tank's battle platform and the main cannon; and it stuck there.
Slowpoke thought it was a miracle that he had landed such a stunt, and having Beavis, the most annoying and psycho of the blue team perfectly in the middle of his sights, quivering in fear like a little girl in his protective pilot canopy, makes things all the much better.
The red Spartan opened fire, and Beavis was engulfed in a cloud of burning blue plasma before he died.
(Beavis was killed by Slowpoke)
Before the blue team could pull themselves out of shock, slowpoke exited his trusty ghost and leaped on top of another tank, he had the driver perfectly in his sights and opened fire with 60 full rounds of assault rifle, armor piercing goodies.
(Chuck Norris was killed by Slowpoke)
By this time, the remaining two tanks had recovered from their shock and turned their cannons on the empty tank that Slowpoke was standing on.
(Slowpoke: Oh shi+)
A Scorpion fired, and its huge, explosive shell… well… exploded.
Slowpoke slowly opened his eyes, and to his surprise, he was still alive.
(Someguy was killed by Panda Bear)
Everyone's attention temporarily turned to the completely unnoticeable, mammoth of a tank, that was sitting on top of the most obvious hill near the blue base, it's cannon still smoking from the recent explosive that flew through its barrels. Each blue was so entranced by that flying ghost that no one out of the twelve blues noticed the huge behemoth rolling into perfect firing position practically right in front of them. Slowpoke used this valuable distraction to hop into the tank that Chuck Norris had just kindly vacated. His smoking body lay sprawled out beside the massive treads. It's nice to share, Slowpoke reasoned and hopped into the crammed cockpit.
(Panda Bear: This is what happens when you don't keep a keen eye on me! BUWAHAHAHA)
(a vehicle: well, I have you in my sights, does that count as 'keen sights'? And you are about to be blasted buddy)
Indeed, 'a vehicle', the driver of the last remaining tank for the blue team, had foolishly turned his cannon away from slowpoke and now had it aimed at Panda Bear.
(a vehicle: ha! This is what happens when you underestimate my 5k111z! And now I am going to blast you, yes you, my dear Panda, to bits! BUWAHAHAHAHA)
(a vehicle was killed by slowpoke)
(Slowpoke: nOOb)
The final tank was vacated by a blast from a tank from behind 'a vehicle', which happened so abruptly that the remaining blue team was pulled into another trance of general staring at Slowpoke, who sat in his cockpit, satisfied at shutting one more blue up, hopefully forever.
And using YET ANOTHER distraction, Panda Bear reloaded his tank shell and exploded a banshee with his big wocket launcher, and then it was a simple business of cleaning up. The two Scorpions pranced through and around the blue team base while the ghosts swerved around them like annoying flies, shooting harmless fireballs at the all-too-thick-armor of the Main Battle Tanks. Soon, all 12 of the blues either were blown up or ran away in fear to hide in a hole somewhere. But their girly (no offense of females who read this, I am a stereotypical fool) screams eventually gave them away and they too were systematically vaporized.
5 Minutes later
The entire blue team, all 12 of them, were crammed into the flag room for fear of being blown up the moment they stepped outside.
(Beavis: Okay, Spartan Linda, you were in the Banshee surveying their every move before we got… umm… well, you know, blown up. So tell me, how did they get that ghost to do that!)
(Spartan Linda: Don't know, I was having a coffee break.)
(Beavis: NOOOOOOOOOOO, our only chance at getting back at the reds is gone forever! MOMMMMYYY!)
The end of Stunt Server
Author's note: Random ending. And yes, the ghost stunt is theoretically possible (I think) although I have never been able to perfectly do it. But imagine, having a ghost rocket into the enemy's defenses… cool. And the entire strategy which resulted in the elimination of the entire blue team with only two reds is highly unlikely unless the situation is absolutely perfect, so don't try that at home… actually, do try it!
By the way, how many people reading this have Halo: Custom Edition? If you do, please give a shout out to me, if there are enough people playing HaloCE, I would really like to write a chapter with battles of longswords and pelicans (They are real, and they are spectacular) on hugeass (Those who have Halo CE know what I'm talking about). So if you do have HaloCE, tell me in your review. And yes, Longswords and Pelicans are pilotable vehicles on halo CE thanks to Tiamat and other modders, plus HaloCE is free for download.
REVIEW! Tell me what you thought about this stunt server thing, to be honest, I've never been in a proper stunt server, so I worked on this chapter with little information from Slowpoke (System Crashed), who have been to a stunt server before, and I tried to recreate his info as best as I could.