CH 2: Dawning
She woke up hours later, this time she was alone and dusk had fallen. She lay there, in her bed, listening to the silence—silence that had never been this loud while she was at Hogwarts before. There was always something going on. Doors opening and closing or whispers in the halls floating around but not now. It was disquieting to her. She was the only one at Hogwarts, well only student, and even at that, she had no idea how many teachers actually stayed over the summer.
She rolled over staring at the door to the bathroom but didn't want to move. It hurt. It hurt when ever she shifted. The muscles between her legs would clench up painfully. Madame Pomfrey had said it would be like that for a while. There were some things better left to nature the nurse had said. She had to heal on her own naturally. According to the matron, Hermione had gotten off light as in regards to physical injury. Hermione had said nothing at the time, but was screaming inside her head, 'He raped me! I was violated! It hurt! All I feel is pain!'
She continued to lie in her bed, thinking, but trying not to remember all that she had endured. Her mind wandered to Snape's last comment before he had left, his resignation? He would be leaving. She felt comfort in that, in the fact he would be gone by the start of term. She wouldn't have to bear seeing him at mealtimes or have him instruct her.
'Then again he'll hopefully be dead and rotting in a field somewhere.' She sat up amidst the pain as the bitter thought flew across her mind. She had known him for six years of her life, a significant time in her life. Regardless of everything that had happened with her at the school, Snape was always a constant, he was as much apart as the school as the gargoyles hanging off the gothic towers. He was 'the greasy git'—the teacher all the students hated. Though Trelawny, to her, came as a close second.
She had never truly hated him; he was mean, vindictive, but intelligent. A brilliant mind, he knew everything there was to know about the art of potions. Above all else, he was a human being.
Would she be any better than the Death Eaters if she wished death upon him? Is death true justice? What punishment is befitting such a man as Severus Snape? Would Hermione find more satisfaction if he were left to spend his remaining days in a cell of Azkaban Prison, stripped of his dignity to whither and waste away? Perhaps if Dementors still held guard over Azkaban, maybe it would be worth it; or let his soul hang in purgatory for eternity for it wouldn't be much of a loss. Or they could banish him from the wizarding world, to fend for himself in a world where muggles relied solely on industry and machines? What if he was stripped him of his magic? Snape was a proud man and took pride in his magical ability for he no doubt was a powerful wizard. If that was taken away, what would be left for him if he were no better than a squib? Would he driven mad with the physical loss? He deserved pain though; he deserved to suffer for all that he had done to her. The ache inside her heart, the ever throbbing between her legs needed retribution. He should pay for the emptiness he instilled in her. Though death seemed inevitable, she sincerely hoped who ever caught him would make him scream as she did. Hurt him like she was. A wanted man on both sides, neither would allow him to live now.
She laid back down, pondering his fate...deciding she didn't care one way or the other as long as she did not have to see him.
Down below in the bowels of the school, walked an aging, wizened wizard. Albus Dumbledore had been debating on what he should do about Hermione's situation and what was best for her, but was also concerned for Severus. He reached the stone wall entrance of Snape's rooms and placed the tip of his wand to a broken stone and muttered a Latin password to put down the wards the younger wizard always placed on his rooms. Albus was the only one who knew the password and proceeded to invade Snape's privacy.
The man was sitting on a box looking through another full of parchment, his back to the Headmaster. His hair was even lankier and greasier than it usually was and his clothes were still wrinkled. Snape crumbled the sheet of parchment he had been holding and through it in the fire.
"Severus, what are you doing?" Dumbledore asked.
Snape whirled around on him, jumping up and advancing on him, "Get out!"
"Now, Severus—" Ablus tried to reason with the visibly distraught man in front of him, putting his hands up in defense.
"I told you to get out!" He jerked an arm towards the entrance. Snape turned and resumed what he had been previously doing.
"Would you just listen—"
"No, I will not." He shook his head. "Whatever you have to say, you need not waste your breath. Whatever it is will not matter come tomorrow morning because I will no longer be here"
"I will not accept your resignation, Severus."
"Like hell you won't," his voice deadpanned but resolute.
"We need you. Not in Azkaban, not dead, but here. You are a valuable asset to The Order, Severus, and you know this. Why are you being so rash?"
"Rash? Was I being rash last night, Albus? Should I have killed her instead like you wanted in the first place? Would that have made it easier on The Order...or you? I could not bear to watch her die. He would just find another suitable victim to use for his sick schemes. Her death would not have afforded us anything."
"So you'll leave the next victim open for the taking?"
"Don't you dare lay this on me! I have played your good little automoton droid long enough, taking all your bullshit! You are not going to lay the future of this war on me! How the hell Potter puts up with you, I'll never know. Besides, I'm sure the other order members would just be so delighted with sharing camaraderie with a rapist." Snape read a sheet of parchment before throwing its fate in the fire.
"It doesn't have to be this way..."
He turned his dark gaze back to the old wizard. "I. Raped. Her. Would you get that through your head? Do you have any idea what that means? You have no comprehension what so ever about what I have initially done to her." He stood up pacing in the space the floor provided between the stacks of boxes.
"She was my student! A child!" He furiously attacked a neatly packed box, taking it and throwing it against the wall with the contents shattering in a mess of glass as the box settled on the floor. "I have taught her for six whole bloody years! How can I stand to look at her seeing her childish features still writhing beneath me as I raped her? You can't stand there and tell me that everything is going to be fine! No, you can not—just a child, Albus!"
He was seething with anger, with hurt. The man had no experience in this realm. His wisdom was pointless where it concerned him. It really had always been blind to certain aspects of his life. Albus had no basis for comparison. Snape's guilt was tearing him up from the inside out and, and he even now wished for death instead of the shameful hell he found himself in.
"What you and Miss Granger shared—" the Headmaster started.
"WE SHARED NOTHING! I stole from HER! I have ripped her apart! I have destroyed that beautiful angel! I've damaged her!" he stopped and contemplated that statement for a minute. "It's my fault. I damaged her...," he breathed. He sat back down, staring at nothing, and continued to repeat, "I have damaged her..."
Dumbledore only stood not knowing, for the first time, what to do or say to console this man in front of him. He knew Severus was right. His heart broke for the young man. His shoulders slumped with defeat as sadness took over him with what must come. He continued to watch sadly as his Potions master started to throw random objects into the open boxes on the floor.
"Where will you go?" Dumbledore asked him wondering if he would actually answer.
"I will not say, for obvious reasons," he answered in a clipped tone.
"Those reasons are not so obvious to me, Severus. Explain."
Snape turned to face him and crossed his arms over his chest, "When the Ministry finds out about what I have done, they will come searching for me, and will no doubt believe you know of my whereabouts. But in this case you will not, and; therefore, will be safe from any accusation. You vouched for me once but we both know there is no way around this if I am captured. We both know I will be immediately executed. They don't even need a trial this time."
"May I sit, Severus?" The old man all of a sudden felt frail, willowed by the ages of time.
"Of course, Sir."
Dumbledore moved over to one of the winged back chairs by the fireplace and stared into the flickering flames lost in thought of hopelessness.
"Headmaster?" Snape started but stopped as soon as the man's pale blue eyes glistening with tears raised and pinned him to the spot. Snape had only ever seen the man shed tears once, and that was when he had gotten back to the school from delivering the Potter boy to the Durlseys'. The man had been overcome with grief at the outcome of everything: of the Potters' death, the young baby's destiny, but never before for him. Now he sat rooted unable to look away.
"It is incredibly hard for me, Severus, to begin to understand what all you are capable of, my boy. You came to me once with the hope of incarceration being the most lenient punishment and I pulled you from that fate believing you deserved redemption instead."
"I never deserved anything."
"You deserved some sympathy for..."
"I didn't go to you asking for sympathy!" he spat.
"Yes, I know. I won't lie and say I didn't feel sorry for you because I did." Snape glares at him and the Headmaster breaks into a melancholy grin, "I knew about your family and background and hearing you speak of the horrors you committed... Well, that just made me want to reach out to you more. Everybody makes mistakes they regret later in life and I knew that. I looked past what you had become and saw the scared, lonely little boy standing off to the side from the other students waiting to be sorted that I remember so well. That small boy deserved more than what he got and I still believed that when you came to me."
Snape sat rubbing his hands together in contemplation with his brow furrowed. "You are right, Severus. You have never faced your victims. Casualties are inevitable. We know this. Maybe I am just naive but I never wanted to believe what you told me you did. That the little boy I watched get sorted into Slytherin all those years ago, terrified of what it would mean for him, talk about committing cold-blooded murder as easily as you did."
"Trust me, it wasn't easy."
"I'm sure it wasn't for you. It was just as hard listening."
The two men sat together in silence staring at the flames of the fire dancing along the walls. Snape rested his head in his hand rubbing his forehead in frustration. He felt dead already. He hadn't eaten or slept since that night. He had tried, and every time the smell of the food just made him sick at his stomach. Sleeping evaded him; Hermione's frail, naked body hid beneath his eyelids. He figured it was fair. With her virgin blood on his hands, he didn't deserve to partake in such necessities. That was the least of his punishment, he was sure. It would be dealt with in due time, he was sure. He just knew he was well on his way to his demise but he didn't care.
He finally chose to break the silence. "Once I leave here, I can never come back."
"Yes. I wish it weren't so."
"As do I. Hogwarts has been my home for almost 25 years."
"My, my, you've been here that long?"
Snape just nodded. "I should be fully packed in a little while. I'll leave immediately after. You can have my books or stock the library with them. I don't really care what you do with them."
"No goodbyes?"
"No one will care soon after they find out what I did."
"Then if you must leave so abruptly." Now he was on to the business he really needed to discuss and knew Severus was going to be difficult in this task. "I want you to talk to Hermione before you go?"
Snape's face paled. "Whatever for? What good would come of it? Hell, Albus, she can't even look at me. I can't stand to look at her. I've already apologised but I see that really doesn't matter."
"I didn't mean to apologise, I was aware of you standing vigil over her till she awoke..."
"To find me sleeping a in a chair next to her. Trust me, she won't want to see me again. My mere presence terrifies her."
"Closure, Severus. She needs closure."
"What? What closure? I raped her. What closure is there for that?"
The Headmaster stood up. "I believe you both have things to say and they should be said before you leave. Good day, my boy."
The man left Snape gaping at the closed door. Snape had no idea what the Headmaster was on about. He shook his head and went about finishing his packing, focusing on anything but Hermione Granger.