CH 3: Sinking

Hermione was restless. She had slept all day and had absolutely nothing to do. Not that the nurse would allow her to do anything in her state anyway but Hermione needed something to keep her from spiraling into madness. She shuddered everytime Snape came to mind, and he did, alot. Even if she was covered from head to toe with her blankets, her skin would still erupt into goosebumbs, sending waves of cold crawling all over her body.

So she just layed on her side clutching the cloth to her body for a pathetic attempt at staying warm. She wondered if she would ever be warm again. Would she ever know the true meaning of passion instead of the sheer terror and shame she felt of it? Who would be next to run their hands along her flesh? Would it be the same or how it should have been the first time?

With that thought her tears streamed down over her nose and cheeks falling into her matted and stringy hair. Her body shook from the tremors of her grief. She had always been careful with herself, never getting involved with guys who were after more than she would willingly share on a whim. She had wanted to fall in love with moon-lit walks and late night conversations. She had wanted to get married and give herself over to passion with curiosity and determination. She always had regarded the act of sex as sacred and wanted it with one man and for one man alone.

She growled out her frustration into her pillow wiping her tears on her pillow case. It wasn't right and it wasn't fair. She felt anxious and scared all alone in the hospital wing longing for her mother to hold her. Everyone was being sympathetic to her. Professor Mcgonnagall had come and left trying to get her to talk. From the short conversation with her teacher, the woman didn't know very much. She didn't know it had been snape. Otherwise, Hermione was sure the woman wouldn't have been up there talking to her but down in the dungeons castrating the bastard. She chuckled at the thought, relished it even.

Madame Pomfrey had been in and out to visit and check up on her. Nothing new, just making sure she was fine and comfortable since there was no more they could do. The nurse knew about as much as Mcgonnagall.

What surprised her the most was Professor Dumbledore's visit a few hours ago. He had walked in looking very downcast and settled himself in the chair next to her bed. They sat for awhile in silence while his kind blue eyes gazed at her. Measuring her up it almost seemed. Like he was checking for something in her eyes. Then he started with a simpe 'hello' and 'how are you feeling' before he had jumped to the purpose of his visit.

"I'm sure you know what with the unfortunate fate of your parents that we need to find you a suitable guardian for the time being, atleast until your birthday. You may stay here at Hogwarts until term begins if you wish or you may stay with a relative..."

She had interrupted with, "I want to stay here." The thought of staying with her Aunt Beulla didn't sound very appealing no matter the circumstances.

"That's perfectly fine but we will need someone to sign papers to claim you until you are of age." She nodded in the affirmative. "Another thing is...and I am loath to bring this up what with your experience still very close to the surface, but I will tell you now so that it isn't a surprise when Severus pays you a visit," her features darkened in anger and paled in horror.

"It's okay. He has turned in his resignation and I have accepted it. You see, he is leaving later tonight after he finishes packing. But I have ordered him to come and speak to you before he disappears in the hopes that the two of you might be able to sleep better afterwards."

Her mouth dropped open. 'He wants me to talk to HIM?' How could he ask her of this? Did the man know how hard it was going to be? Probably not, the heartless old coot.

"I have nothing to say to him!" She surprises even herself raising her voice to the Headmaster.

"Please, Miss Granger. Understand that in due time he will be killed--"

"Good! He deserves it!" Her voice was loud but cracking with the force of her conviction. "I don't want him near me! You can't make me speak to him! He--"

"Has use to The Order! He's our only spy that..."

"They know! They know that it was him who butchered their plans last spring!"

Dumbledore's face froze, his eyes growing big, "But he didn't mention... How do you know this?"

She herself sat still not daring to look him in the eyes, "because I told them...that night...I said he was a traitor to us...and them."

"He failed to mention that or rather he must have omitted that tidbit of information for his own reasons. I don't really know." He was speaking to himself now thinking out Snape's dilemma. He was going out in the open where Voldemort would surely capture him and do unspeakable things to him.

"Severus, Severus, Severus."

Hermione worried her lower lip between her teeth. The old man was acting like she wasn't even there.

"I thought it was the Ministry you were running from. You aren't running, you're walking straight to Voldemort, aren't you? Torture at the hand of the Dark Lord is your choice of punishment rather than facing Miss Granger?" He closed his eyes in sadness. "I wish it hadn't come to this..."

Hermione felt hollow. Did she truly care what happened to Snape? Did she care that he found the Dark Lord's wrath on himself lesser of the two evils? Was he truly that scared of her? She should have been happy at the thought but she wasn't. She didn't want him scared of her. She had the right to be terrified of him. It wasn't his place to walk away from her in fear.

"Headmaster?"

He opened his eyes smiling a little. A play on reasurrance just neither knew who it was for. "I apologise for my relapse. I..."

"You care for him," she accused. He remained silent. "You don't want him to die. Not because you need him for The Order, but just because you care for him...even with what he did to me."

"You aren't the first person he's hurt. He was at one time a loyal Deatheater as you know and had done atrocities willingly back then."

"He hurt me willingly..."

"Yes...I know. He..."

"Don't go off in a lecture of how he did it to save me. How it could have been Mr. Malfoy or how I could have been killed if he hadn't...if he hadn't taken his time...with me."

"Do you believe any of that?"

"I don't want to. He raped me...period. There is no restitution for what he did to me. Every little detail shouldn't free him from blame of what he did to me on his own volition."

"He agrees with you."

She sighed heavily with more to think about. It almost seemed to her that Snape was playing the martyr. "Well, he should," she countered bitterly.

He shook his head in sadness, "I know you probably already know this, Hermione, but it will be the death of him if he leaves."

"I am well aware of that fact, Headmaster. If truth be told I am counting on it."

"If he leaves. Where will that leave you?"

"Free of him."

"And what of the memories?"

"What of them?"

"Do you think with him gone that the memories and nightmares will vanish?"

She frowned at the old man. She remained silent.

"Those thoughts aside, think about his value to us against Voldemort."

"That's all you care about! You don't care what happened to me as long as your precious pet is protected! I don't care what value he has to you! He means nothing to me. He will get no compassion for me! HE RAPED ME!"

"You need him, Hermione, if you wish to heal. Think on that."

She growled in frustration. He was such a manipulative bastard. Playing mind games with her to get her to help him keep Snape safe even after what he did.

---

He stood up and left leaving her to ponder his words. She played out the conversation over and over in her mind wanting to understand. She needed him and that perplexed her. Her logic told her that if he weren't around it would be easier to forget. Why would that be such a bad thing? So for the past few hours she checked off reasons why she would need him at all. The closest she came to was that he could help her overcome the tragedy. She just rolled her eyes scoffing at the thought. If she had gotten pregnant then there was a reason to fret.

All of a sudden she sat up in realization. She just had to be pregnant. It would make sense, right? What other obligation would Snape have towards her if she wasn't? Her mind was reeling. But if she did conceive, wouldn't the nurse have told her? Or was the matron waiting for a time when she wouldn't overreact. At the prospect her whole body started to convulse. Even the very possibility made her stomach turn in and out. She layed back in her bed trying to control herself.

She could feel sweat breaking out all over her body and her breathing become a hard duty to continue. The thought that she could be pregnant flashed through her mind over and over again throwing her into shock. She vaguely heard the voice yelling above her and felt as two hands gripped her shoulders holding her down to the bed. The person seemed so familiar to her but she just couldn't concentrate hard enough to remember. Before she fell unconscious she felt a cool rag dabbed at her temples and a potion poured down her throat as soft fingers massaged the liquid into her body.

Poppy Pomfrey didn't like to leave her patients unattended to lest something happens while she was away. That was why Snape had been surprised when he reached the hospital wing to find the nurse absent. He would think they would be keeping a close vigil on Hermione. He didn't really believe she would kill herself. To him that just wasn't her but with her being traumatized you never know what she would do.

He had finished packing and even sent his belongings to his ancestral home with a letter and clothes for all the house elves there. He should have freed them long ago but now since he knew he would never go back, the time had come for the elves to be free. With most of his affairs in order he set out for his last task at the Headmaster's request to talk to the girl.

When he agreed to visit her he hadn't known he would be finding her in such a state. He walked through the double oak doors to find the girl flopping around on her bed uncontrollably. He rushed to her bedside.

"Hermione!" She shook uncontrollably and even with her eyes open he knew she didn't see him.

"Hermione!" He had taken hold of her shoulders trying to see if he could get her to stop. Then the nurse had burst through the door and in a flash was at his side, dabbing her forehead with a wet rag and shoving a potion vial in his hand.

He didn't hesitate getting the potion into her system. He wrapped his arm around her head holding it still and tipped the vial over her lips and into her open mouth like he had done countless times in the past. Even with the kids' hatred of him he was the only one who could ever successfully get a distraught student to imbibe potions. The headmaster used to joke that it was a rare gift which he always would snort at. If most of them knew who it was who was touching them they wouldn't have swallowed so easily.

Once he had the potion in her mouth he rubbed at her neck loosening the muscles letting the potion slide right down her throat to abate her seizure. Poppy had continued to wipe down Hermione's body that was slowly subsiding from the tremors while he sat in the chair watching.

"I've no idea what could have brought that on," the nurse admitted.

"Could it have been stress or shock of her situation?" he asked.

"Could have been but why wait this long for such a reaction?"

He shrugged his shoulders staring at the Hermione's prone body on the bed. He knew the Headmaster had told her of his planned visit before departure out and away from Hogwarts but didn't see why that would have put her into a fit if that had been the case.

When the nurse was done checking the girl she was about to shoo him out of the room, "I'll watch over her tonight if that would be alright. Make sure that this does not happen again."

"That's very sweet of you, Severus. I was going to..."

"It is fine. I won't be sleeping tonight anyway. You need your rest. Go."

"Well, if you insist, Severus..."

"I do, she will be fine. If anything happens I will be sure to alert you."

The woman nodded in agreement. She stayed around for awhile pittling around a little in her office and in the storage cabinets but after a while bid Severus goodnight and headed off to bed with his promise to get her if there are any changes in the girl.

He sat in the same uncomfortable chair he had used all of the previous week to watch over her again. It was as if nothing changed. Almost like she had never woken up. Snape had wanted to talk to her and leave but he would wait. He was curious to know what caused her fit believing that it was him.

He sat unmoving in the dark for almost three and a half hours before he found any movement from Hermione. As she was waking up he moved out of his seat and lit the fire across the way for some light. He stood a good ways from her as not to scare her again. This was going to be awkward anyway; he might as well get it over with.