CH 4: Clawing
She hated waking up from a deep sleep anymore. Once she recognized the pale edges of consciousness breaching her mind, her heart would immediately begin to race in remembrances of her experience. Her skin would crawl with his anticipated touch that would descend upon her body any second. The worst part is that it would never come. The fear that laced itself around her insides was unnecessary and bred hatred within herself for feeling so scared when she was perfectly free from harm - but this night was different.
The fear settled down like a shroud and enveloped her body; but when she opened her eyes, when she realized she was all right, she caught sight of Snape, and her body immediately turned to ice. She shut her eyes thinking she could just act like she were asleep, but the terror increased ten-fold knowing he was watching her, and her mind immediately played out another rape, but this time he attacked her in the hospital bed in Hogwarts. Her eyes snapped open to watch his every move.
"I don't want you here," she bit out coldly.
"I am not thrilled about being here either," he retaliated. "But Dumbledore, for some inane reason, thinks it will help you."
She snorts, "Yeah, he sure has my best interests at heart."
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"Albus?" Professor McGonagall opened the door to his quarters wanting to discuss Hermione Granger with him.
"Yes, Minerva. I am in the study." She walked through the entrance to the next room to find the old wizard sitting at his desk writing something.
"Ah, so good to see you this morning. I missed you at breakfast."
"Mmm. Care to share your secret, Albus?"
"What ever do you mean?"
"Don't play coy with me. I know there is more to Miss Granger's predicament than meets the eye."
"How so?" He knew he should have explained everything to Minerva the first night, especially with her being the girl's Head of House, but he knew she wouldn't understand his interest in protecting Severus.
"What really happened to Miss Granger? I know you are keeping something from me. Something important. You said she was attacked by the Death Eaters and they murdered her family. What's missing? Why has Severus packed his life up into boxes? Where is he going and why? Why has he taken such a sentinel stance over Hermione, a Gryffindor? There is more to it than meets the eye."
"So there is." Dumbledore sat back in his seat twirling hair from his beard around his finger in contemplation.
"Well?" She asked impatiently.
"You have to promise me to hear me out. I know you are going to disagree with me on the decisions I have made regarding Miss Granger."
McGonagall peered through her spectacles at her companion hesitantly. "Go on."
"As you well know the Granger residence was attacked by the Death Eaters..."
"Yes..."
"Miss Granger was raped, Minerva," he said flatly without a preamble or warning.
What ever the woman was expecting, it wasn't that. Her eyes widened, bringing her hand up to her heart…"You can't mean that…"
He continued his explanation, "Mr. and Mrs. Granger were on the ground floor when the Death Eaters arrived at their residence. Miss Granger walked in on her parents while her father was under the Cruciatus Curse. She witnessed her mother's rape and father's murder before finding herself in the same situation as her mother."
"I thought Severus had orders to..."
"He disregarded them and accompanied the Death Eaters to the Grangers'."
Minerva took a seat on a purple, velvet settee trying to piece together the puzzle Albus was dancing around. It was like a game to him, to feed people ribbons of the truth leaving holes for you to fill up. It was when he didn't want anyone to compromise his plans by their objections that he would send you on a wild goose chase for the truth. But one of her cubs was in the middle of his manipulations and Gryffindor's Head of House was in no mood to play.
"What did they want with the Granger's?"
"What do they always want with muggles, Minerva?"
Her jaw clenched shut before, "What was Severus's interest in being present. I thought he was usually exempt from such sport," she spat the word as though it were poison.
"He is…He chose to go…" Albus stumbled over his words. He did not want Minerva to know.
"Does Hermione know who did it?"
He hesitated for a minute, "You know very well that the Death Eaters wear masks."
She was getting annoyed. "If you won't give me straight answers I will go ask Severus, and you know he won't like that." He couldn't hide the flicker of worry that crossed his brow for her to see. She raised her eyebrow in question. "I know you know, Albus."
"I have my reasons for not disclosing such information."
"Reasons you won't share with me? Albus, I am in this as much as you. Why are you continually shutting me out?"
"Minerva...Severus raped Hermione." He said it in a whisper. It sounded despicable to his own ears, and by the look on her face she was about to shoot out of there and murder the Potions master.
"What is he still doing here!" She shot out of her chair. "He is in the infirmary with her now!" She moved towards the door.
"He is leaving. He is leaving and he isn't coming back. Voldemort knows he betrayed them..."
"He betrayed us! Her! Hermione! What in Merlins's name gave you the idea to keep him in the castle after what he did? Allowing him to be near her?"
"He is like a son to me..."
"He raped her! Violated the poor child, and you let him remain in close quarters with her! Have you lost your mind! Have you any idea what sort of psychological damage you are inflicting upon Hermione!"
"Minerva, please..."
"No, you listen! You may care for Severus but your love for him should never have clouded your judgment! The innocent should be your first priority, not their rapists!" She walked quickly through his quarters exiting at haste towards the hospital wing.
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"He wants me to talk you out of leaving."
"He is a classic fool," Snape said shaking his head. The headmaster would never understand.
"He doesn't care what happened to me as long as you are safe…" She admitted bitterly.
"No, all he cares about is the war. Neither of us personally have anything to do with his decisions, no matter how much he says otherwise. Losing me, means losing an informant as well as an advisor."
"I won't, you know. I won't talk you into staying." She was sitting up in her bed, her knees drawn up with her arms wrapped around her legs looking at a point beyond Snape's person.
"I would not stay even if you tried…I am done being his pawn!" He exploded suddenly speaking harshly. Hermione jumped at his outburst even more scared of him, his voice taking on a dangerous familiarity to the tone he had used the night he growled into her ear. She retreated into herself, visibly shaking.
"I am sick of this life, of living, of doing his bidding without question and regard for others' well-being! I am fed up with shedding blood on his word as if I have no conscience! Letting him remain a saint in the public eye as I am damned a sinner, looked down upon as a murderer and rapist, for what I was ordered to do! "
Throughout his tirade he hadn't even looked at her once. He hadn't meant to go off like that in front of her in the first place. It was the only time he had ever voiced his displeasure at the position he held in Dumbledore's 'good' graces. How he defied one master for another just as controlling and conniving as his previous one. The parallels between Lord Voldemort and Albus Dumbledore were uncanny. They each used people for their own gains, whether it was for world domination or world peace.
"I apologize; I shouldn't have said those things to you."
"You seem to be doing that a lot lately, apologizing when it means nothing to me."
He was a little taken back at her cold response. It was no more than he deserved yet the realization he had created her, reduced her to this recluse on the bed sickened him even more.
"You're still here..." Hermione stated after five minutes of silence.
"So I am," he still didn't move a muscle.
"We have nothing more to say to each other."
She heard him take a deep shuddering breath and exhale slowly and deliberately trying to show his fear, his weakness.
He withdrew an envelope from an inner pocket of his robes, "May I hand this to you?"
She looked at his parcel held in his hand and gave a curt nod. She watched his every move as he walked slowly closer to the bed. He stopped at the foot of the bed and set it down backing away quickly.
Hermione stared at the package in revulsion.
"I know what you are thinking, but it may help you to understand your predicament." He turned then and walked to the door.
Remembering last night, he turned around. "Before I go may I ask you a question?"
"Fine," she gritted.
"Do you know why you went into a seizure last night? Was it...Was it what happened to you or…a mixture of things?"
"Trying to alleviate your guilt?"
"No. Just curious..."
"If you must know...I thought that I might be pregnant," she answered haughtily refusing to look at him.
He hadn't expected that, "You don't know?"
"No one has mentioned it to me. I didn't know if they were keeping it from me for my own good or ignoring it or...I don't know, I just…scared myself." She glanced back at him.
He looked her in the eyes, "You aren't pregnant."
"What would you have done if I were?" She challenged him.
"That would depend on you, now wouldn't it; if by some miraculous miracle you would even lower yourself to bear my bastard child."
"I could not kill it!"
"Oh, I am sure under the extreme circumstances of finding yourself with child by rape by a Death Eater and your professor; you would be surprised what you would be willing to do."
"I am not a murderer!"
"Nor am I, by nature, a rapist. We do what we must in times of tribulation."
"Don't you dare emancipate yourself…"
"Do get over yourself, Miss Granger. I was doing nothing of the sort, merely stating a fact…"
"How do you know I am not pregnant, anyway? Were their tests run?" She queried further.
"No, not to my knowledge. In any case, there was no need for tests. You are not pregnant."
"How would you deduce that without proper observation?"
"Because I could not have gotten you pregnant!"
"How do you know for sure!"
"I am sterile, that's why! There is no way in hell you could have gotten pregnant by me! Do you understand! Lucky you, just another sacrifice," he spat, "doing my duty for our world!"
Hermione stared at him blankly. Well, it did alleviate her anxiety but also gave her some satisfaction, though she couldn't understand why. She enjoyed the fact that he had indeed suffered, relished it even.
"I leave you now," he backed up towards the door pausing in the door frame, "Don't let this experience wash you away, Hermione. Don't forget to live. Life does not deal you cards you cannot handle. You can overcome this; it does not have to rule your life."
He left her then knowing he would never see her again.
As soon as he turned the corner out of the hospital, a hand connected with his face in a vicious slap that sent him slamming into the unforgiving hallway wall. He straightened up realizing he was bleeding from a scratch on his cheek. The tear in the skin began to burn as blood ran down his cheek. He turned to face the culprit when he was slapped again.
"You raping bastard!"
'So, Minerva knew then,' He didn't fight back. Why should he? Anything she threw at him would be nothing compared to what Voldemort was going to do. After the woman's foot paid a visit to his genitals, he laid in a heap at her feet.
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Hermione just stared at the tanned envelope lying a foot from her feet after watching him disappear. She was waiting for it to burst into flames or shoot sparks at her or something. She figured if she opened it, it would be full of a poisonous powder just waiting to spill over her hands yet she was curious about what it would secrets it held. She worried her lip between her teeth until she tasted the coppery tang of her own blood and reached down the bed to retrieve the letter surprised that her touch did not trigger a bomb or something. She broke the green seal on the back and slid the folded parchment out, and nearly jumped out of her skin when two pewter keys fell into her lap.