Chapter 6
A WELCOME-HOME PRESENT
Zim was aghast with horror at what stood before him. Like some Biblical plague, his base was no more. In its place was a nicely decorated two story, Colonial home. The outside walls were a powder blue with white trim. Every few feet there would be a lovely pair of white windows with green curtains inside. The horror didn't end there. On either side of the little dirt path that lead up to the red front door, in the expertly trimmed green front lawn stood two large oak trees and a little sign that said 'Keep off the grass'.
Zim could not believe his eyes. He was so shocked that his contact lenses fell out of their respective places. His beautiful, green home was gone. There were no more lawn gnomes. There were no more pink flamingos. It was all gone. His once proud monument to the superiority of Irken camouflage was now reduced to, to...SUBURBIA! This would not stand!
"What has he done to my base? It is HIDEOUS!" Zim screamed and stormed forward to the little gate in the white picket fence. He raised his mighty, black boot of doom and gavethe tiny gatea good, firm kick, but the gate refused to relent. It didn't even shudder. Zim quickly picked himself up off the ground before any of the neighbors noticed him sprawled out on the sidewalk. He raised his fist defiantly and screamed, "Curse you, gate! Why do you appose the might of ZIM!"
Suddenly the mailbox opened and a small probe emerged from it. "IDENTIFY YOURSELF INTRUDER!"
Zim could not believe this. That treacherous human had stolen, and deformed, his mighty base. "I AM ZIM! Let me in immediately! I COMMAND YOU!" He shrieked.
"PROCESSING," declared the mailbox.
Another tentacle launched out and poked Zim in the arm. "Ow!" he said in painful protest.
"DNA CODE ACCEPTED! WELCOME, INVADER ZIM!" The front gate swung open without even the smallest squeak and Zim quickly proceeded to the front door and threw it open. Two, very life-like, humans greeted Zim at the door, "WELCOME HOME, SON! HOW WAS SCHOOL?"
Zim shrank back in fear. Not only had the human invaded his home, but he'd also brought reinforcements! Then, as soon as they'd appeared, the pair faded into nothing and revealed two hologram transmitters in the floor. Zim, boiling with rage, continued on his odyssey to enter his house. Once inside, he had a good look around. He didn't like what he saw. It appeared to be a normal, human's home. Placed here and there were such things as coffee tables, carpets, and STAIRS! It was quite bizarre and disconcerting.
Zim heard a clattering sound and turned to see Gir hiding in the corner. At least, it looked like Gir. It Was Gir. No, it couldn't be. This THING had yellow eyes and coloring. It moved as silent as death. And it seemed like it was intent on ripping out Zim's Squeedly spooch. Then, right before it was upon Zim, it stopped and saluted. "GREETINGS, MY MASTER! HOW MAY I BE OF SERVICE?"
This was far too much for poor, little Zim to handle. He collapsed to his knees, long drop that is, and grabbed the sides of his head. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Byron, what have you done to MY base? What have you done to GIR?"
"Do ya' like it?" A voice seemed to resound from nowhere.
"Ah! Byron, why have you done this? How did you get in the computer?" Zim said as he quickly melted down into total panic.
"What would give you THAT idea, Zim?" Byron asked as he descended the stairs. Something was off, though. It might have been the fact that Byron was smeared with dirt and engine grease. It may have been that his eyebrows were singed off. But I think it was the set of spider legs protruding from his PAK with which he was descending the stairs. Zim just stared at this spectacle. His mouth hung wide open. "Ya' like what I done wif da' place, Zim?"
Zim stood there for a few moments deeply considering what his response would be. He wanted it to be direct and carefully planned out. He finally responded with, "What the fuck's all this! How'd you get a Pak!"
Byron looked at him with a smile. "I needed one to help you with your mission. The computer hooked me up with it. You have a very nice computer, by the way. And 'this'," he said and motioned to the house and robot, "is the product of five hours of hard work. Isn't it glorious? A 'ting of beauty and joy forever'!" he laughed.
"I didn't authorize you to get a PAK!" Zim yelled.
"You didn't 'not' authorize it either," he retorted.
"Fine! But what have you done to GIR?" He asked angrily. The little SIR unit had stood silently at Zim's feet for the entire conversation.
"That aint' Gir! He's down below playing with Pig and Minimoose. That's LU, You're new SIR," Byron said and pointed at the yellow robot. "Did you know GIR was defective? I know I didn't. All he had in his head was some pocket change and a gumball. I couldn't bear to alter him, so I built a new one. And I programmed him meself. Like a true Irishman, ole' LU there loves a fight!" he said with a laugh.
"This is what you've done all day; wreck my home and build robots?" Zim asked.
"No! I made your house blend in better. It'll attract less attention. Trust me. And I fixed the security system too."
"What, so it'll ask your name before it lets you in?" Zim replied.
"No, it recognizes DNA from a list of welcome life forms. Watch this," Byron said and reached into his pocket. He pulled out an acorn.
"You're going to protect the base with an acorn?"
Byron didn't answer. He simply tossed the acorn into the yard and looked out the window. In no time at all, a little squirrel scuttled into the yard and picked up the acorn. It sat there for no more than three seconds before a laser popped out of one of the trees and obliterated the cute, little squirrel. There was just a black, smoking crater in the yard where the rodent had been. Then, the crater was overtaken by fresh grass and any evidence that there was ever anything there was gone.
Needless to say, Zim was both pleased and impressed. He turned his attention back to Byron, LU, and the inside of the house. He had fixed everything. This human wasn't just helping, he was HELPING! "So, what's your plan on Dib?" Byron grinned that eerie grin of his.
Dib was sitting on his bed, staring out the window. Since he'd gotten news of his expulsion, Dib had not spoken to anyone or had anything to eat. He just sat around and thought to himself. Gaz would have been worried, if this had been the first time Dib had been kicked out of The Swollen Eyeballs. He got up from his bed and looked out the window. He grabbed his telescope and looked toward the east. Then, he saw something that surprised him. In the place where Zim's crooked, green house usually stood, resided a lovely blue home.
"What's this?" He said to himself. "Has Zim finally left the planet? Is it over? NO, it can't be over. I must catch him; not for humanity, but for my due respect in the paranormal community!" He continued. Then, he franticly pointed his crooked finger toward the house and yelled, "I'll make my career by you, Zim! If it's the last thin I ever do!"
"Shut up!" Gaz yelled.
Down in the street a mother and her daughter passed the Membrane household. "Mommy, why is that big-headed boy yelling?"
"Don't make eye contact with him, Maggie! He's eat up with the crazy!" The mother yelled and grabbed up her daughter and began to dash, as best she could in heels, down the way.
Meanwhile, Zim and Byron were sitting at the dinner table discussing plans while LU worked on dinner in the kitchen. "I already tried altering his DNA, Byron! It wore off after forty-eight hours. It's no good!" Zim declared and slammed his fist on the table.
Byron smiled. "What if I were to tell you that I solved that problem? What if I said, 'it could be a permanent mutation'? What then?"
"Then I'd say, 'How did you do that?'," he said. Zim was amused at best. He didn't think Byron was capable of such a scientific breakthrough.
"I had some free time."
"But you said you'd done all of this," he motions with his arms to the house.
"I did, I mean, we did; me and your computer. But even with all that, it only took so long. And there wasn't anything good on the TV!" Byron joked.
Zim answered, "Hmm, well, I have to say, this is a very good plan! Of course, not as good as any of MY plans,"
"Of, course," Byron said.
"BUT, I like it and we'll give it a try. If it works, then you are truly worthy to serve Irk. But fail me and you shall rue the day you failed ZIM!" He yelled.
"Don't worry, it'll work," Byron assured Zim. "Ah, here's dinner!"
Just then, Lu walked in with two plates. He sat Byron's plate down first and said, "Your haggis, Sir."
"Thank you, LU," Byron said.
Zim looked absolutely disgusted and slightly greener than usual. "What is that?"
"It's a haggis. Notional dish of Scotland it is!" he laughed.
"But you're Irish!"
"That doesn't stop me from enjoying it," he chuckled.
"What is it?" Zim asked.
"You don't want to know."
By this point, LU had walked to the other side of the table and sat down Zim's plate. It was equally stomach turning. "Your roasted Xelgrog, Sir."
Byron looked at the twisted, red form on Zim's plate. "What is that?"
"You don't want to know," Zim said.
So dinner progressed on and the two talked of this and that. Zim regaled him with past experiences in his "prestigious" life. And Byron told him dirty jokes and about the time he set the men's room at his dad's base on fire. They both laughed at this and then there was an awkward silence. They both looked at each other with a hesitant stare. Then, suddenly, the both spoke at the same time, "Can I try that?" They each pointed at the other's plate. They exchanged plates and each took a bite of the food in front of them. They then went to their respective corners and vomited.
While LU cleaned up the mess, the two went down into Zim's labs, which were fortunately unchanged, and Byron showed him the test results. The formula had successfully turned a chicken into the largest potato anyone has ever seen. Being Irish, of course Byron turned it into a potato.
"This is fantastic! Let's go get the little stink weasel, Dib! We shall turn him into a… POTATO OF DOOM!" Zim howled.
"No, Zim. Remember the plan! We must get him tomorrow, when he least expects it, " Byron said and placed his hand on Zim's shoulder.
"Ow!" Zim said and drew back from Byron's hand. "That hurt!"
"Oh, I'm sorry Zim, I must have nicked you by accident. Sorry." Byron said sincerely.
"As long as it was an accident," Zim said. "So, what do we do now?"
"Wanna' go see a movie?" Byron asked.
"Upstairs?" The alien asked.
"No at the theatre! You've been to a theatre before, haven't ya'?" Byron asked.
"No."
"Well come on then! I'm gonna' introduce you to the fine and cultured world of cinema!" he declared happily.
"Will it hurt?" Zim asked.
"No, of course not," Byron laughed.
The two proceeded to the elevator and just before the doors closed, Byron said, "Oh, I forgot my jacket! I'll be right up!" He jumped out of the elevator and before Zim could protest, the doors slammed in his face.
Byron quickly ran over to the main computer and popped out a small, glass dish. He then scrapped under his fingernail and removed the little piece of green skin he gotten off of Zim. I stuck in the dish and then popped that into the computer. He madly began typing something into the machine and looked up at the screen. As soon as the message, 'SYNTHESIZING,' appeared on the monitor, Byron grabbed his jacket and ran to the next available elevator.
As it ascended toward the surface, the machine began to whir and grind. A small beaker at one end of the machine had started to fill with a strange, green fluid.
"WELL DONE, BYRON." Vincent said cheerfully during the elevator ride.
"Thank you, Vincent. You're very kind. You'll be sure to see that there's no flaws in the serum? I don't want the subject to be an exact clone of Zim. All we need is one," he laughed.
"DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. I KNOW JUST WHAT YOU WANT DONE WITH THIS. HAVE FUN AT THE MOVIE," it said and the doors opened.
"Thanks, Vincent."
"Vincent?" Zim asked.
"Yeah, that's what I've been calling your computer," he said as he opened the door and they both walked out.
"Oh," Zim answered. His curiosity satisfied for the moment.
Yet again, Byron had avoided Zim's suspicion and the two were off to the movies. Neither of them noticed the shadow with a freakishly large head and bad hair that seemed to fallow them all the way to the movies.
A/N: Oooh! What's he up to now! (Like some people don't know!) Hahaha! I hope you liked this chapter as much as I like typing it. Actually, I hope you liked it more than that. Maybe you'll leave a review! Anyway, for anyone who's curious, "Haggis" is a boiled sheep's stomach that's stuffed with the heart, lungs, liver, fat, and onions. I've never had it. lol Please leave a review! Please! I'm BEGGING you! See me beg?