How I Conquered The Earth Chapter 18: Dib The Horrible Rat Boy!, an invader zim fanfic

Chapter 18

DIB THE HORRIBLE RAT BOY

"I don't understand why we have to were these!" Zim grumbles as he fought valiantly with the sticky side of his nametag. The stupid registration slave had spelled it "Zehm", which was fancier, but also very, very wrong!

"We just have to play along with their ways so we'll blend in," Byron said. "You do know you've got it on up-side-down, right?" He asked Zim.

"Of course I do! How else am I supposed to read it?"

Byron rolled his eyes and explained the concept of nametags as he fixed Zim's. "Understand now?"

"I supposed," Zim said. He looked away from Byron to see the decadent spectacle of Sci-fi nerddom. "What is all this? Is it a gathering of alien species for the pursuit of PEACE?" Zim asked almost choking on the last word.

"No, this is a convention where… you have those right?"

"Yes, yes. The MIGHTY Irken Empire has conventions! We have assignings, blood sports, and all types of AMAZING stuff like that! But this is not a convention! Where are the giant X-rays and the lasers and smoke machines! And there's no floating head that's telling me where to go! THIS is not a convention!" Deep down in his Squeedly spooch, all this talk of conventions and smoke machines made him miss home. He'd been gone so long; he'd almost forgotten what it was like for a second. He shook his sadness of like an old, wool coat. He couldn't appear weak while amongst this herd of human-pig-smellies!

"Okay then. But you do understand the concept?" Byron asked.

"Of course Zim understands! There is nothing too complex that would baffled my AMAZING brain meats!" He yelled.

"Anyway, we do conventions a little differently here. On Earth, strange humans who live in their parents' basements and have nothing better to do than dress up as aliens and robots congregate at meeting areas to talk about their obsessions," Byron said. "They can be quite entertaining."

"Entertaining?" Zim asked. "Where is the blood? Where's the victorious champion ripping out the loser's Squeedly spooch? THIS is not entertainment! I am not entertained!" Zim yelled.

"Okay, fine, Zim! Human conventions are far inferior to those held by the Irken Elite. Just remember to use your inside voice, okay?" Byron said in a bland tone. He was getting tired of having to tell Zim to stop screaming every thought that went rattling around in his head.

"Fine, human! I'll whisper," Zim said in a slightly louder-than-normal-talking voice.

"Good," Byron said and patted Zim on the head. At this point, the narrator, again, delighted in the fact that another sentence had rhymed.

The pair of aliens stood at the main entrance to the convention area and gazed in both shock and amazement as the crowd mixed and churned like a seething crock-pot of nerds.

It was like George Lucas and Gene Roddenberry's worst nightmares brought into the world of living flesh. Byron had never even fathomed that there could be THIS many overweight Dr. Spocks and Chewbaccas in the same room! It was a truly mind-fucking sight.

The room may have been filled with geeks and nerds, but the walls were lined with booths selling an array of items. One was selling collectible plates and cards while another was a Captain Kirk kissing booth.

"The horror! The horror!" Zim whispered. The very gusto and bravado in his voice was stolen away by what he was surrounded by.

Byron slowly leaned down next to Zim's antennae and said in a low voice, "Relax, Zim! They can smell fear!"

Zim took this warning to heart and, again, took faith in the idea that his superior Irken breeding and training would salvage the day. "Zim is not afraid! Why would you think that? I…AHHHHHHHHHH!" He began to scream as a Borg, which Zim mistook as a Planet Jacker, walked by.

Byron decided that it best to take Zim to the nearest bathroom and try to calm him down. He grabbed him by the back of his collar and dragged the still screaming Irken toward the men's room door. Several people, by this point, were staring intently at the scene.

As Zim and Byron were experiencing their first sci-fi convention, Dib was settling into his new home with the rat people. After the meter man had shown up, the group retreated back to their inner sanctum that resided deep in the bowels of the parking garage. When they arrived, Dib could not believe his eyes. It was like a small town. The rat people had constructed a village of old, abandoned cars.

"This, Dib, is the sanctuary!" The leader declared with great pride.

"Sanctuary! Sanctua…"

"Enough!" The leader hissed. "We already discussed this during the walk back! No more repeating me!"

"Fine! Fine!"

As the group approached, more and more rat people began to emerge from the many vehicles that littered the area. They all converged into what could be described as a "town square", even though it was more like a pentagon.

"I, your great leader, Ratticus Rex, have discovered a newcomer from the world above! He is as we are! He is one of the colony now!"

As Ratticus Rex spoke to his colony, Dib couldn't help but think, 'His name is Ratticus Rex? How lame is that?'

"Hey," Ratticus Rex said as he looked at a rat person who was happily munching on a large piece of Swiss cheese, "Where'd you get THAT?"

"I found it!" He chirped merrily as he continued to devour the cheese.

Ratticus Rex snatched it from his mouth and slapped him across the face. "That's for being stupid!"

"Sorry," he sulked.

"It's alright, just don't let it happen again!" Ratticus Rex said sternly.

Dib was very confused now. He was VERY confused.

"Welcome new one! We are the rat people and we welcome you to our colony!"

"Gol, I have a feeling he's already figured that out," Ratticus Rex stated. Dib had begun to develop a theory that the rat people were just about as bright as the garage they lived in.

"Oh, yeah. Sorry," The one named Gol said and sat down on his haunches.

Ratticus Rex looked down at Dib and said, "We must find you a better set of clothes, Dib! You look like you're wearing greasy aprons!" He laughed. Dib wasn't all that amused.

He was lead over to a rusted out Hippy Van that was full of rags and old suitcases. "These are the bounties we have claimed from the vacationers. All the luggage that has fallen from their station wagons now belongs to the rat people!"

"Vacationers! Vacationers!"

Dib crawled into the van and the door closed behind him. He found a flashlight on the floor and fixedly began to ruffle through the clothes. After about five minutes, Dib emerged from the van in a pair of bellbottom jeans and a shirt that said, "I "heart" UFO's!".

Dib could see his reflection in a hubcap and the sight brought one word to his mind, 'Gay!' he thought.

"Come, Dib. We shall find you something to eat," Ratticus Rex said.

Dib was lead to an area of the "village" that was apparently set aside for dining. It was actually pretty sophisticated, as far as rat people go. They had figured out a way to cook with fire and keep the smoke from backing up in the garage. I'd go into graphic detail about how the system works, but I honestly don't understand how it works.

Dib sat at the table with his new friends and waited for what he could only imagine to be the most revolting meal he'd ever have. He was right. It looked like a green, stringy blob of something Dib couldn't figure out to be. It didn't smell as bad as it looked, and, to Dib's fortune, it didn't taste as bad as it smelled. In fact, it was pretty good.

'Pretty damn good!' Dib thought.

"I'm going to lay eggs in your stomach!" Byron said distantly.

"Eh?" Zim asked. He wasn't quite sure why Byron had said this, but he knew, after much research, that it was physically impossible for an Irken to accomplish.

"That's what his shirt says! Get a load of this," Byron said and pointed to the hundredth fat guy he'd seen over the course of forty seconds. "I'm gonna' buy one of those!" He paused for a moment and continued, "And then Dib will PAY!"

"Fine, let's go get a shirt and then we'll find the Dib-stink. I can't even…OOH they have nachos!" Zim exclaimed as his eyes came upon the snack area. "I'll be right back!"

Before Byron could say another word, Zim had vanished into the mob. "Oh, well. I'll find him later. Hey, Bill, where'd you get that t-shirt?"

It was several hours later when Dib was taken to his own car to sleep in. It was a fifty-seven Chevy Bel Air and the backseat was one of the most comfortable surfaces Dib had ever slept on. It wasn't long before he drifted off into sleepy land. All the thoughts of the serum and becoming normal again drifted away with him. Besides, he liked it here. He was accepted here. For the first time in his life, he BELONGED somewhere. In the first time since he could remember, Dib was truly happy.

"Shhh! I think they're all asleep!" Byron whispered to Zim. They'd lost track of time during the convention. The two had finally gotten back to their all-important mission and were quickly tracking Dib down like a dog.

"Okay, okay! I'm quiet!" Zim responded. He was still happily eating his tray of grande size nachos and cheese.

The two stood on the "outskirts" of the rat people's village. Byron looked down at the tracker screen and said, "He's in one of the cars, Zim. Start looking," Byron ordered. He pulled out a pistol and said, "I'll cover you."

His military training kicking in, Zim began to scout from car to car. He made sure that not one of their occupants was awakened during his search.

Dib thought he heard something outside the car. He came out from under his snugly blanket just in time to have the barrel of a gun jammed in his face.

Dib tried to scream for help, but, as usual, his vocal chords didn't work. Dib tried to snatch the gun from Byron's hand but all that earned him was a swift punch in the face and a gloved hand gripped around his throat.

"Zim, I found the little shit! Come on!" Byron whispered triumphantly.

Zim quickly whipped around and came running toward Byron. "Good, we can get out of here now!" He turned his gaze to Dib and gave him a good kick square in the gut.

Dib collapsed to the ground and Zim grabbed him by the antennae and the pair proceeded toward the exit.

Byron reached down and slung Dib over his shoulder. "I could have sworn I heard something back there! Let's get moving!"

From deep back in the garage, both Byron and Zim could hear a shrill voice scream, "The Dib! The Dib is gone! The damn cockroach people have stolen him!"

Byron and Zim didn't need to be told twice to run for it. The entire trek out of the garage, they could hear the sound of scurrying behind them. Then finally, they emerged into the sunlight and their safety was certain.

Now that they were in better visibility, Dib could see his captors better. Both of them were clad from toe to head in as much worthless Sci-fi convention souvenirs as they could carry. Byron had on a visor, sunglasses, and a t-shirt that said, 'I'm going to lay eggs in your stomach!'. Zim had on a hat that looked like a flying saucer, sunglasses, several light-up necklaces, and a nacho-stained t-shirt with Alf on it. It also goes without saying that they had several bags filled with collectible memorabilia and other junk. By far, this was Zim's most convincing disguise. Dib couldn't help but smile at the two morons that had caught him. This only made them angrier and earned him another kick; only this time, it was lower.

As Dib rolled around on the asphalt, Byron hocked up a large, green lougy and spat on the ground. "You gave us quite a chase there, Dib. You almost got away. But you should have known that you'd never be able to escape the superior Irkens. And you," Byron paused and looked over at Zim. "You know what, it's late and I'm tired. I'm not really in the mood for gloating, how about you?"

Zim shook his head. "You're right. It is late. And I'm tired too. You want to just beat the slark out of him and finish him in the morning?"

Byron grinned and said, "You read my mind!"

"Really?" Zim asked.

"No, not really. It's just an expression.

Zim was a little downhearted by this, but his mood quickly recovered as the two began to beat the shit out of Dib. When they were both satisfied and Dib was unconscious, Byron called for LU to come and pick them up. After a few minutes of waiting, LU appeared from the sky and took them home.

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A/N: Special message to any potential Dib fan-girls, please don't hurt me! I don't like Dib, but I promise I WILL NOT kill him! I promise! With that said. Please leave a review! Please oh please! I worked so hard! And of course: