Evangelion Fractured Fairytale Theatre:

Disclaimer: I do not own "Evangelion".

Production One:

Little Red Riding Hood:

Cast:

Little Red Riding Hood-Pilot Asuka Langley Soryu

The Big Bad Wolf-Commander Gendo Ikari

Grandma-Major Misato Katsuragi

LRRH's Mother-Dr. Ritsuko Akagi

The Woodsman-Super spy Kaji Ryoji Narrator-Shinji Ikari

Seven P.M. The audience was beginning to arrive. The auditorium was filling up. Everyone in town was anxious to see NERV's production of "Little Red Riding Hood". Although one might wonder why NERV was doing this. It was simple: It had been declared that they had to begin finding their own funding. And desperate times call for desperate measures.

After the audience had filed into their seats, the lights dimmed and the stage lights and the spot light turned on, and the curtain pulled back. And the audience stared at an empty stage for a few moments before anything happened. Suddenly, a voice rang out.

"NO! You can't make me go out there!"

"I can, and I will, Pilot!" answered a gruff voice as a young man was pushed out onto the stage.

The audience waited for the young man to do something, but it seemed as though he had gone into a catatonic state.
"It would seem that the Third Child is useless to our purposes." Gendo said to Fuyutsuki, sitting in his usual manner, "He shall have to be replaced."

'Mustn't run away, mustn't run away, mustn't run away, mustn't run away!' Shinji thought to himself and stepped up the microphone.

"HELLO!" He said…no, squealed, in a pitch that exploded several eardrums. He excessively cleared his throat for a few seconds, and then continued talking, using a much improved tone, not that there were many that could hear it, still, though… "To-tonight…is our p-p-p-production of…um…"

He looked around in a panic, until someone from the audience shouted "Little Red Riding Hood!"

"Oh, right…thanks…sorry…" He said, working up more courage, "Our production of Little Red Riding Hood. Featuring The Second Child, Asuka Langley Soryu as the title character. Misato Katsuragi as an old woman…I mean, I mean, Red's Grandma…oh, I'm so dead…!"

It did not comfort Shinji to hear NERV's major, backstage, shouting something muffled.

"Dr. Ritsuko Akagi as Red's mother, my father, Gendo Ikari, as the Big Bad Wolf, and Kaji Ryoji as the brave woodsman. So without ado: our play!" He said, bowing, and walking off to one side of the stage.

The lights shined on what was supposed to pass off as the setting for the whole thing. Basically, it was a bunch of cardboard, randomly spray-painted purple, red and blue.

Dr. Akagi, dressed in typical Medieval European attire and carrying a basket, backed onto stage, arguing with someone, saying: "I'm sorry, we had no other colors!" She turned around almost instantly went into character. She smiled sweetly, or rather, tried to, but only succeeded in creeping out the audience.

She spoke up in the nicest, most unprofessional tone she could muster: "Red, my dear! Oh, Red!" And added under he breath: "Get your ass out here so I can get off stage as soon as possible."

It was then that our star appeared. Wearing her school uniform, just with a red cape with a hood added to the outfit.

"Shiest, do I really have to be cuddly and sweet?" She rasped at her guardian and town drunk.

"Only if you still want to pilot Eva."

With that, Asuka spun to face the audience looking for the world like the happy and innocent little character that she was supposed to be playing. She tilted her head to the side, as cutely as she could, and said in a sickly-sweet tone: "Yes, mama." Her eyes beaming and her posture as girly as anyone can get.

Ritsuko, doing her best to keep from shuddering, and also resisting the urge to check if she was catching diabetes, continued to force herself to smile, and handed the red head the basket and replied in an animated cheerful tone: "Here. Take your sick grandmother this basket of fresh homemade cookies. And make sure you stay on the path and don't talk to strangers," the, broke the tone and just finished talking as quickly as possible, "or else bad things will happen, and you'll be completely doomed. Okay?"

"YES, mama!" Asuka replied, shrilly. She took the basket and skipped around the stage with the purple, red and blue cardboard props.

Ritsuko, meanwhile, had made a hasty escape from view, calling for cigarettes and coffee.

"Tra-lee-lalalalalalala!" our star sang, but her happiness was only skin-deep. On the inside, she was secretly wishing for someone to shoot her.

She stopped singing for a moment when she noticed Shinji's face. He was on the verge of bursting into laughter, but that was only until he realized that he'd been spotted as she deliberately turned and skipped towards him.

He was sweating bullets as she passed him by. "One snicker, and you're dead, Third Child." She whispered with a deadly glint in her eyes.

"And soon," Shinji said to the audience, "she came across a dangerous and evil being: Commander…er…the Big, Bad Wolf."

On cue, Gendo emerged onto the stage, dressed in his normal attire. The members of the audience suddenly felt a chill go down their spines as he looked out at them.

"Hey, little girl." He said, menacingly.

Asuka, resisting the urge to run, turned and smiled broadly at him, "Oh, hello Mr. Wolf!"

"Hello, yourself. Who are the cookies for?" He said, his menace not dying down.

"My Grandma!" asuka replied, "She's really sick and so I'm bringing her some nice…" she looked into a basket, "…chocolate chip cookies."

"Chocolate chip, eh?" He smirked in his usual manner, "Perhaps bringing her some flowers would be also be…acceptable."

"Oh, I don't know," Asuka said, melodramatically putting her hand on her chin, as if thinking, "my mama told me not go off the path, or to talk to strangers."

"Oh, come now! I'm a stranger, and I'm not harming you! What could this mother know if nothing bad has happened to you yet! Now run along and pick your grandmother some flowers."

"But…?"

"Are you questioning an order?" He barked in a tone that disturbed everyone within a mile radius.

"NO, no, sir!" Asuka cringed and ran off stage.

"So the Big, Bad Wolf went off the find Little Red Riding Hood's Grandmother." Shinji narrated, "and soon across a small house out in the countryside, and there he saw…"

"Yeeeeeeehaaaa!" (Burp.) All attention turned to Misato, at the other side of the stage, in her 'at home' attire (a pink tank-top, and mega short cut-off shorts) (the only difference in how she normally looked was that her hair was dyed gray), sitting at a kitchen table, drinking beer, with her penguin companion. "That's the only way to start a morning!"

"Oh, God, why?" Shinji asked, burying his face in his hands.

Gendo walked up to a piece of wood, that was standing up in the middle of the stage that was marked "door" with red paint. He walked past it.

"You are Little Red Riding Hood's Grandmother?" He asked.

"Who's asking?" She said, laying her head drunkenly down on the table.

"Someone concerned. She left her mother's an hour ago to visit you."

"What, but the walk from there to here's only 15 minutes."

"Pay dirt…" He said, and dragged her of stage.

"And with that, the Big, Bad Wolf did away with Little Red Riding Hood's Grandma, and assumed her identity."

Gendo emerged from backstage in an identical outfit to the one Misato was wearing: Her tank-top and her mega short cut-off shorts.

"This is very degrading." He muttered grumpily and sat down where Misato had been.

After a minute or two of digesting what they were beholding, the audience members (and Shinji) either burst into hysterical laughter or realized how much their eyes were hurting. There was even some laughter coming from backstage, and then yelps as Rei went around slapping each and every employee of NERV who laughed at their commander.

After composing himself, Shinji continued: "Soon, Little Red arrived at her grandma's house from picking flowers."

"I hate my life." Asuka growled quietly enough so that no would hear, put her smile back on, and skipped and pranced back onto the stage.

"Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh, Grand-maaaa!" She called, cheerfully, and then saw Gendo. Her façade broke and she yelled: "Oh, you have got to be kidding me!"

Silence.

'Shiest.' She thought, and got back into character just as Ritsuko was about to have the bridge bunnies bring out the good ol' hook to pull her offstage.

She tilted her head to the side, just as before and got into the best girly posture she could muster while looking at the horrid sight before her.

"My, what…nice facial hair you have, grandma." She said, sweetly.

'Now I know why Dr. Akagi was in a hurry to get offstage. I think I'm going to be sick.' Gendo thought as he watched an almost too perfect sugary-sweet performance take place before him.

"All the better to keep my face warm…dear." He said, forcing the last word out.

"What big glasses you have, grandma."

"All the better to see you with…(snort, cough)…my dear." The last part said through gritted teeth.

"And what…big, hairy hands you have…"

"…all the better to touch you with, my dear." He said, getting up and grabbing her, pulling her close.

"And now, my dear, time to eat you out…er, up." He said, correcting himself, and cursed himself of being unable to break his usual speech habits.

Total silence from the shocked audience as parents covered their children's eyes and ears, and others got up and ran out of the theater, while others found this new twist strangely to their liking.

"Dirty, sick old man!" Shinji shouted at his father.

"Pervert!" Asuka said, slapping him and trying to break free of his grip.

"Now, wait, there was a misunderstanding here…"

"You bet there was!" Kaji shouted, leaping from behind curtain and rolling enough to get a clear shot and fired off his gun at the commander, dropping him, but not killing him.

"And with that," Kaji said to the shocked and gasping audience, "the brave, and devilishly handsome woodsman came to Little Red Riding Hood's rescue before the dirty, perverted wolf could do anything bad to the little girl, and also rescued the grandmother." He added the last part, suddenly reaching out and dragging Misato out from backstage.

"Fortunately for this old bag, old ladies were just his type."

" 'Old lady'! 'Old Bag'!" Misato roared furiously before being swept off her feet and being kissed deeply.

"Asuka, are you okay?" Shinji asked the retreating form of the red head as she ran out of sight, weeping over Kaji's "disloyalty".

"Well", Shinji said, turning to the shrinking audience, "I guess that concludes tonight's…" Shinji was interrupted when Misato recovered from her surprise and began kicking and punching in all direction, and she managed to punch the Third Child right in the face. Shinji fell to the floor, unconscious.

And with that, the curtain dropped.

"What a disaster." Hikari muttered from her seat, and got up to leave.

"I dunno. I liked it." Toji said, stuffing more popcorn into his mouth.