Holly: Okay...roll film!
(Screen goes black, then words scroll across the screen.)
Words: A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...
(Screen goes black a moment, the we see a very odd-looking Luke Skywalker. He has the right clothes, but looks as if he has grown extra legs. He is very far away, but as he gets closer we see that it is actually Foaly.)
Foaly: I still can't see how I look like Luke.
Holly: (from off-screen) Just be quiet and say your lines!
Foaly: Well, that statement was rather ironic.
Holly: (still off-screen) Foaly!
Foaly: Fine. (silence for a moment, then the sound from off-screen) Lu-uuke! Come and get your supper!
Foaly: Coming, Aunt Beru! (he walks in the direction of the voice. Camera follows. Soon we come into view of a house that, while at first sight may look like an igloo made of mud, on closer inspection is revealed to be painted cardboard. We then see "Aunt Beru," a.k.a. Opal Koboi.)
Opal: Now, Foa--um, Luke...come inside and have some supper.
Foaly: Hey! You're not supposed to be Aunt Beru!
Opal: Well, I'm here now, aren't I? (as if talking to a stubborn dog) Come on, now...come and get it! Come on! Come on!
Foaly: Don't give me that tone!
Opal: No, no, I'm Aunt Beru, you're the young whippersnappper, I'm supposed to say that to you!
Foaly: Too bad!
Holly: (off-screen) Oh, great. Well, I suppose she's here instead of--hey, wait a minute! Opal! What did you do with the person who was supposed to play Beru?
Opal: Ah...she...met with a little...shall we say, acciden--hang on! There wasn't anyone to play Beru, was there?
Holly: (still off screen) Oh, right. Okay, keep going!
Foaly: Ummm...(pulls out script from pocket and runs his finger down it, muttering) we've done this, and this, and...aha! Here we are! (puts script back in pocket) Okay, Aunt Beru. (goes inside the "house") Mmm, this looks...(stares at cardboard food distastefully) cardboardy.
Holly: (still off screen) FOALY!
Foaly: I mean, um, good! Yum yum! (rubs stomach, all the while looking at the food as if it was a squashed banana with rusty nails on top instead of cardboard food) Gee, Aunt Beru, you sure are a good cook! (sits down)
Opal: Thank you! Eat up! (pretends to eat the food. Foaly does the same thing. Root walks in, dressed as Uncle Owen)
Root: Fee, fi, fo, fum! I smell the blood of a relation! Be he alive or be he lightsaber-speared, I'll...um...I'll...uh...(whispers to off screen) what rhymes with lightsaber-speared?
Foaly: (spiritedly) How about idiot-reared?
Root: That doesn't...(suddenly looks enlightened, which last is quickly replaced by anger, and, as usual, a purple face) DONKEY-BOY...
Holly: (off screen) Cut! CUT! That wasn't in the script!
Root: (turns from where he has just grabbed Foaly around the neck and lets go) Yes, well, that donkey insulted me! Well, actuallly, technically he didn't, cause I'm not really his uncle, but...
Foaly: Gaack...
Holly: Start that bit over from where you come in, Uncle Owen.
Foaly: ...
Holly: Luke, are you okay?
Foaly: (hoarsely) No. I'll never be the same. But I suppose I'll have to go on with the movie anyway. I am truly the unappreciated genius...
Holly: (grins) I'll take that as a yes. You know he's not okay when he stops complaining about his budget and being "the unappreciated genius."
Foaly: I have no energy just now, otherwise I would go after you. Ah well, the pains of being the main role...
Holly: (indignant) Foaly, you wanted the main role! You begged me, practically on your knees, to be the main role!
Foaly: Yes, blame it all on me. Oh, well...
Holly: (sighs) Aargh. Forget it. Okay, Uncle Owen, come in. And this time, no "fee fi fo fum" stuff, either.
Root: Why did you want me to be Uncle Owen anyway?
Holly: Because you had the right temper for it.
Root: CAPTAIN, I'M WARNING YOU...
Holly: (hurriedly) Nevermind. Go on with the scene.
Root: (goes out, then comes back in) I'm home!
Foaly: Hi, Uncle Owen.
Root: Hi, Luke. (sits down and grabs some cardboard food, and puts it in his mouth, then chokes) Aaaaaack! (Foaly runs and hits him on the back until he can breathe again) What the heck is in this stuff! (Foaly, who, despite his rapid response to the choking, is now choking himself, with laughter, cannot answer. Opal doesn't answer either, but we hear laughter from off screen)
Holly: (off screen. This line is said between peals of laughter) Commander--that--food is--cardboard!
Root: Wha--(is too indignant and embarrased to go on. Everyone else is laughing, except Opal, who seems very displeased about the whole incident)
Opal: (muttering) Darn! That's one plan foiled. (No one hears this, as they're laughing too hard.)
Holly: (off screen) Okay...start from the commander's "Hi, Luke."
Root: Hi, Luke. (grabs some food and raises it toward his mouth)
Holly: (still off screen) No, Commander!
Root: (looks angry and injured) I know, Captain! Don't you think I know better than to do it twice? I was only going to pretend to eat it.
Holly: (need I say more?) Phew! Ummm...okay, let's start again from "Hi, Luke."
Root: (glaring off screen) Hi, Luke. (gets food again, this time making no attempt to do anything with it but let it sit on his plate. Silence for a moment, while Foaly and Opal pretend to eat their food, and Root just sits there.)
Holly: (off screen) Um...Commander...
Root: What?
Holly: (still off screen) Your line.
Root: Oh. Ummmm...oh yeah. Say, Son--
Holly: (need I say more?) CUT! He's not your son!
Root: Oops. I mean, say, Nephew, I've been thinking about that school thing--
Foaly: (eagerly) Yeah? What about it?
Root: And I think it's a great idea! It'll get you off our hands for a long time! Go for it!
Foaly: YES! (pumps fist in air)
Holly: (off screen) WAIT! That wasn't in the script either!
Foaly: Gee, isn't a person allowed to improvise around here?
Holly: NO! Now, start from "Say, Nephew..."
Root: Say, Nephew, I've been thinking about that school thing--
Foaly: (bored this time) Yeah? What about it?
Root: You can't go.
Foaly: Please, Uncle Owen! Please? Please? Pretty please with sugar and a cherry on top?
(There is a loud sigh off screen, but this is otherwise ignored.)
Root: No, I'm sorry.
Foaly: But all my friends are there!
Root: No! How many times do I have to say it? I need your help with the planting!
Foaly: Fine. Can I go off and visit old Ben Kenobi, learn that he is actually Obi-Wan Kenobi and go help him destroy the Death Star and save the Rebellion, then learn that Darth Vader is my father and lose a hand fighting him, then help destroy the second Death Star and kill him?
Root: No! If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times: No violence!
Foaly: Awwww, come on! Pretty please?
Root: (flatly) No.
Holly: (off screen) CUT, DARN YOU PEOPLE! That is NOT how the script goes!
Foaly: Sorry, Holly! I was just having a bit of fun!
Holly: (still off screen) Well, don't! Just follow the script and we'll do fine. Now, try again.
Foaly: Okay...(gets up and stalks off, giving the appearance of anger and sulkiness)
Root: That kid needs to learn not to talk back to his elders.
Opal: Definitely.
(Screen goes black for a second, then comes back to life. We see Foaly and Root (Luke and Uncle Owen) looking at "droids," most of which stand still the whole time as if they were cardboard (which they are, if you look at them closely). The only ones who move are R2-D2, otherwise known as Mulch Diggums in a blue-and-white hat that has "buttons" on it and a blue-and-white-painted garbage can, and C-3P0, who is actually Artemis. Foaly/Luke and Root/Uncle Owen are currently examining some of the cardboard cutouts, and random people dressed as jawas (some of them, we can see, are Captain Trouble Kelp, Coporal Grub Kelp, and Corporal Lili Frond. The latter does not look pleased about being a jawa, and is wandering around mumbling about "the gall of Captain Short, putting me in as a jawa" and generally being a nuisance.)
Foaly: ...honestly, these are cardboard cutouts! I mean, seriously...
Root: I know! Can't we at least use metal? It's not like she spent that much time on this, she literally had to scream at me to be Owen, and even now I'm not happy with the part--
Holly: (off screen) CUT, CUT! CUT! Can't you people follow the script!
Foaly: We were just complaining about the "droids" being cardboard cutouts.
Holly: (still off screen) Hey, it's not my fault I didn't have enough budget! The Council is only going for this because I told them it would really promote the LEP since there is so much hype over the Mud People's Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith!
Foaly: So you lied to them?
Holly: (need I say more?) No! That's true! But surely you, Foaly, should know how bad the Council's budgets are, even if they think the thing you're doing is really good!
Foaly: (thoughtfully) That's true...
Root: WHAT! Donkey boy, did I just hear you agreeing with Captain Short about this thing you were griping to me about a minute ago!
Foaly: Well, the Council never have seemed to understand what a decent budget is...
Root: And you think that gives you an excuse to change your mind so...so abruptly!
Foaly: Well...yes.
Root: (face turns purple) DONKEY...
Holly: (okay, I won't say it again) COMMANDER...
Root: (whirls to face the direction Holly is in) WHAT IS IT, CAPTAIN SHORT!
Holly: (no, seriously, this is the last time I put this note in) Could we please try to get along? Please?
Root: All right, fine. Let's just get on with this before I blow my top.
Holly: (I'm positive this time, it's the last note you'll have about this) Okay, then. Places, everyone! Start at the beginning of the scene!
(Root and Foaly go back to where they were at the beginning of the scene.)
Root: These prices are outrageous!
Foaly: These droids are so outdated!
Holly: (this is the last time, I promise...I think) Foaly! You're not supposed to say that!
Foaly: Sorry. They are, though! I could make something better any day.
Holly: (okay, now it's really the last time) Whatever. Get back to the script.
Foaly: Ummm...I know! The jawas are charging way too much for them.
Root: Next year, we'll have to show them.
Foaly: Hey, Uncle Owen, I think this one likes me!
Mulch: Yeah.
Holly: (I'm serious, this is the last time I'm saying it) (whispering) R2! (louder) R2! R2-D2! MULCH!
Mulch: What?
Holly: (this time is the absolute last) You're R2-D2!
Mulch: So?
Holly: (okay, this time is the absolute last) So? Well, number one, you should answer when I call you, and not wait till I've called you five times--
Mulch: I didn't!
Holly: (if I say it again, thwack me) (sarcastically) Oh. Who did you think I was talking to when I said "R2-D2," then? The sand people, perhaps? Or maybe Luke's landspeeder?
Mulch: (pouting) Holly, I'm not used to being called R2-D2. You have to give me a little time to get used to it.
Holly: (ummm...nevermind. reader thwacks with book Hey, what was that for? Reader: You mentioned it. Me: But I didn't say it! Reader: shrugs shoulders Close enough) Well, you've had your time to get used to it now. Next time, answer when you're called. If you don't, your backside will be getting a swipe with a buzz baton, which I happened to bring, just in case. (a buzz baton is waved threateningly, but all we see is it and the hand waving it.)
Mulch: Oh, fine.
Holly: Let's try it again. R2?
Mulch: What?
Holly: Good. Number two, R2-D2 is a machine, not a human.
Mulch: So?
Holly: (exasperatedly) So, he doesn't speak English.
Mulch: Oh. Right.
Holly: Good. Are we all clear?
Mulch: Clear. (muttered) ...as mud.
Holly: Good. (either doesn't hear or chooses to ignore this last (personally, I think it's the first. Holly isn't the type to ignore an insulting remark, especially when this remark comes from a convict, as Root points out in his next comment))
Root: Convict!
Mulch: I have a name, you know, Julius.
Root: I have a name, too, convict. And it's not Julius.
Mulch: Yes it is.
Root: Well, the name I would prefer to be called is Commander Root.
Mulch: I think, Julius, that if we were all called by the name we would prefer to be called by, none of our mothers would name us at birth, they would just leave us to name ourselves when we got old enough.
Root: Maybe that's so for ordinary people, but for a commander like me, it is in my power to be called what I wish to be called by a convict like you. However, it is not in your power to be called what you wish to be called by me, and I don't intend to waste this advantage. You are a convict, and as such it is my duty to make your life as miserable as possible. Therefore, I will call you what I wish to call you, not what you wish me to call you. Understand?
Mulch: I--
Holly: HOLD IT! Now then, let's start from Luke's "Uncle Owen, I think this one likes me."
Foaly: Hey, Uncle Owen, I think this one likes me!
Mulch: Y--I mean, beep.
Root: Hmmm. He looks serviceable. How much is he? (this to the nearest jawa, who just happens to be Corporal Lili Frond)
Lili: I don't know! How should I know? I'm just a plain old jawa, never told anything, and I never should have been a jawa anyway. If Captain Short hadn't--
Holly: Stop!
Lili: What?
Holly: Those aren't your lines! You are a jawa. Jawas don't speak English either. They make that little squeaky sound.
Lili: Then how do the Mud People understand them?
Holly: They don't. What the jawas do is make gestures with their hands, plus they understand the Mud People. Now then, let's try this again.
Lili: Fine! Squeak squeak. Happy!
Holly: Don't say the word "squeak," make a squeaky noise! Like this! (makes a squeaky noise) See?
Lili: Yes! Now leave me alone! (mumbles) I would much rather be Leia.
Holly: I know, but we already had a Leia, and we didn't have enough jawas. It's called supply and demand.
Lili: It's called you shouldn't even be doing this silly movie and if you are you should not have put me in as a jawa!
Holly: That would be your opinion.
Lili: That would be a fact.
Holly: Whatever. Just squeak, otherwise I'll get Trouble to do it.
(Silence)
Holly: Fine. Trouble?
Trouble: What?
Holly: Would you please tell Uncle Owen how much the droid costs?
Trouble: Sure. (makes squeaky sound exactly like Holly's)
Holly: Thank—
Grub: You're not doing it right!
Trouble: Yes I am!
Grub: No you're not!
Trouble: Yes I am!
Grub: I should know, because I faced down Butler! And if you don't believe me, I will tell you the story!
Trouble: Oh no! Not this again! I believe you, I believe you! But just "facing down" a human doesn't make you an expert on them!
Grub: Oh, doesn't it?
Trouble: No, it doesn't. And now, Corporal, I, as a captain, am ordering you to stop telling me how to squeak!
Grub: I'm telling Mommy! (runs off)
Trouble: Well, now we have one less jawa. Sorry, Holly.
Holly: It's okay, it wasn't your fault. He's so annoying!
Trouble: I know. I can't believe he's my brother. Ugh!
Holly : You're telling me! Oh well. Okay...so anyway...where were we? Oh yeah. Will you tell Uncle Owen again how much it costs?
Trouble: Will do. (makes squeaky noises and gestures with his hands)
Root: Okay. We'll take him.
(Silence)
Holly: Artemis!
Artemis: What?
Holly: Your line!
Artemis: I will not call these people "Sir." If anything, they should be calling me "Sir."
Holly: Deal with it, Mud Boy. Now say the line before I use my Neutrino on you!
Artemis: Fine. Sir! Wait!
Root: (smirking) What is it, my inferior friend?
Holly: WAIT! That's not in the script, Commander!
Root: Hey, someone's calling me Sir for once, do you think I'm just going to pass that up? Especially him calling me Sir.
Holly: We need cooperation here! Not people calling other people inferior! Come on!
Root: Fine. What is it, droid?
(There is a sigh from off screen again, but as before, this is otherwise ignored)
Artemis: This R2 unit is my partner! We cannot be separated!
Root: What do you do?
Artemis: I am a genius.
Holly: It's "protocol droid!" "Protocol droid!"
Artemis: Fine. I am a protocol droid. I speak all languages, and—
Root: I am a farmer, and have no use for a protocol droid.
Artemis: Please, sir.
Foaly: Uncle Owen? Let's get him. Please?
Root: Fine. (to Trouble) We'll take him too. (hands over some pieces of cardboard which resemble money) Okay. Let's go.
Foaly: I can fix this other one when we get home.
(They walk off. Camera switches scenes again to show a room. It looks like some sort of basement. There are cardboard "tools" all over, and Foaly is working with them to fix Mulch.)
Foaly: Holly!
Holly: What?
Foaly: I can't do anything with these!
Holly: What do you mean?
Foaly: They're cardboard!
Holly: You're not supposed to do anything real with them! You're just supposed to pretend!
Foaly: Whatever. (pulls a kit of real tools out of pocket) That's better. (fiddles around for a minute with Mulch's costume, then puts the tools back away) There. Mulch, press that button. (points to a button on the garbage can. Mulch presses it.) So, R2—
Garbage can: I am not an R2! I am a marvel of artificial intelligence! I live, therefore I learn!
Foaly: Oops. That's what I said when I was the C Cube. Wrong button. Mulch, try this one. (points to another button. Mulch presses it.) Okay, R2—
Garbage can: (British accent) Lumos! (a light comes on on it) That's better. Come on, Hermione.
Foaly: Uh-oh. That must be the wrong button, too. Try this. (points to yet another button. Mulch pushes it.) All right, R2—
Garbage can: (siren) Alert! Alert! The humans are invading! Alert! Alert!
Foaly: AAAAAAH! (dives for cover beneath a desk)
Holly: Foaly. Foaly! FOALY!
Foaly: THE HUMANS ARE INVADING! TAKE COVER! TAKE COVER! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!
Holly: FOALY!
Foaly: (peeks head out from under desk) What?
Holly: I think you put one of your security devices in it! You know, the ones that sense humans' genes? And since Artemis is a human, it sensed him!
Foaly: Oops. (comes out from under the desk)
Holly: Now, enough with the wiring thing. Start your lines over, but first, fix it. (garbage can is still shrieking "Alert! Alert!", and the siren is still going)
Foaly: (sarcastically) Ma'am, yes, ma'am. (pulls out tools and fixes garbage can) There.
Mulch: Thanks. That hurt my ears, and my beard hair is curling now.
Foaly: Okay...anyway...
Holly: So what you're supposed to do is pretend to fix him with the cardboard tools, and say your lines.
Foaly: Okay. (mutters) Fun-spoiler.
Holly: Well, sorry. This isn't supposed to be fun, it's supposed to promote the LEP. Now do it.
Foaly: Fine. (picks up cardboard tool and pretends to fix Mulch) There. You're all done.
Mulch: Good. I mean, beep-beep.
Foaly: Hmmm...what's this? (pushes button. Holographic projection comes up.)
Juliet: (holographic. Her hair is in cinnamon rolls, like Leia's. (I'm too lazy to find the exact words of the message, but she says them)) ...Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You are my only hope.
Holly: (holographic. Comes beside Juliet) STOP!
Juliet: (still holographic) What?
Holly: (still holographic) You're only supposed to say the last part! You know, "help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You are my only hope." That's IT!
Juliet: But what about the other part?
Holly: That comes later!
Juliet: Oh. Let's try again. Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You are my only hope.
(Holographic message ends.)
Foaly: (smirks) That was—interesting. I see I'm not the only person getting bossed around.
Holly: Whatever. Let's get on with it.