Head Over Feet
(Sequel to Love Ridden)
Chapter Five
Forgiven
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Jay sat on the floor, with his back against his couch. He was looking at a box full of pictures and random things. Emma dropped it off, but Jay refused to see her. So, she gave it to Manny to give to him. It was 3 in the morning and Jay had been sitting there, looking at everything for about 5 hours. He held a picture of Kaydence in his hand. It was a picture of her from the day she was born. In his other hand, was a letter from Emma, written that same day.
Dear Jay,
I don't know when, where or how this letter will find you. Our daughter was born a few hours ago. I named her Kaydence and already I'm calling her Kay. Do you see the connection? Jay, Kay? I gave her my last name. If I had given her yours, you would have been contacted and I'm not ready for you to know. I'm not sure I'll ever be ready for you to know the real reason why I left Toronto.
I know it's wrong for me to keep this from you. When I found out I was pregnant, my mind raced back to a few months ago, when I was pregnant the first time. I couldn't bare the thought of that happening again. So, I ran. I ran away from everything I knew and loved. I went crying back to my mother. I told her everything that had happened since they moved away. Leaving out the fact that you are Kay's father. She was in tears by the time I finished. She wasn't angry, just disappointed that I had let my life get that far. She's grateful that you and Sean guided me back to normalcy.
I'm not ashamed for the things that have happened over the past years. I am saddened by the things I let myself do. I never thought I would lose all control of my life. I have gained my self respect back. Well, most of it anyways. I'm getting off track here.
Never think that I'm intentionally hurting you. I'm trying my best to work up the courage to tell you about our daughter. I try every time we speak on the phone. I wanted you there when I first felt her kick. When I had my first appointment. Whenever we would talk, I would become the weak Emma. I would just want to run back to you and have you hold me in your arms. I wanted to just pretend everything was perfect. I wanted you to make up my mind for me. I couldn't go back to that. I had to be strong. For myself and for Kaydence.
I'm sorry if I'm not making much sense. My mind is going a million miles a seconds. I wish you could be here with me. I'm not alone though. My parents are here with me. Well, not at the moment. Right now, I'm alone, waiting for the nurse to bring Kay back in. Who would have thought life would turn out this way?
I love you and miss you. Someday, we will be together again. All three of us. I don't know how exactly it will happen, but I know it will. I can feel it. You're my soul mate. You're my other half.
Love always and forever yours,
Emma
Jay finished reading the letter for the fifth time. Every word had soaked deep in to his mind and heart. Tears silently fell from his eyes. He put the letter down and put the picture on top of it. He picked up another picture. Like the one of Kay when she was born, this one had a letter attached. He started at the picture. Kaydence had a little pink dress on and a crown that had a big one on it. He smiled and started to read the letter.
Dear Jay
Kaydence is one today! I can't believe it! The party ended a few hours ago. I had it at some little kid friendly restaurant. My parents came down for it. They left about an hour ago. My boss's kids came and some kids from Kay's daycare were there. You should have seen her, she was covered in cake. My mom decided to give Kay her own cake, which was bigger than her.
She started walking 2 months ago. Her doctors were impressed. And she babbles on and on about nothing at all. Before she does something bad, she'll get a little smirk on her face. Just like you. You would be proud.
My friends set me up on a blind date. It was ok. But the whole time, I was comparing him to you. I think the dating scene will have to go on without me. I'm just not cut out for it.
I'm sorry to cut this letter short, but Kay just woke up and is screaming for me.
Love always and forever yours,
Emma
Jay threw down the letter and the picture. He held his head in his hands and lost it. The tears poured from his eyes. He couldn't stop them. He put everything back in the box and slid it under the coffee table. He slowly got up and put his jacket on. He left the house and got in to his car.
A few minutes later, Jay arrived at Emma's parents house. He sat in his car for a few minutes. He finally got out and walked to the door. He glanced in to the living room window and saw Emma sitting on the couch reading something. He decided against ringing the bell and lightly tapped the window. Emma's head jumped up and she walked to the window. She moved the curtain and saw Jay standing outside. She walked over to the front door and opened it.
"Jay, what are you doing here? It's late."
Jay sighed, "I read the letters, Em."
Emma noticed Jay's tear stained face, "I didn't mean for them to make you cry."
"I get it now. Well, kind of. I get how hard you dealt with not telling me. I now know that you wanted to tell me, you just wanted become who you wanted to be."
Emma smiled lightly, "I'm glad you understand."
Jay pulled her in to a hug, "I love you so much Emma. I never stopped loving you. I'm at fault, too. I left you before to fend for yourself."
Emma wrapped her arms around his neck and started to cry, "But I hid our daughter from you! It's different."
He held her tighter, "I know. I care, but at least I found out. I know now. That's all that matters."
Title by: Alanis Morissette