Coping

Chapter 1: He's Gone

Buttamellow

Disclaimer: Harry Potter is owned by J.K Rowling, Warner Brothers, and its various publishers. No money is being made and no copyright infringement is intended.

I sit here trying to find the words to express what I'm truly feeling at this moment. I've sat in the same spot with my quill to the parchment for the past few hours. The ink has left stains on the parchment that I haven't the heart to get rid of. Those stains are there due to my inability to express how deeply...I still can't find the words to express it.

Part of me wants to lash out at Dumbledore for even expressing such a ludicrous statement. That part of me wants to curse him, to scratch out his eyes, to yell and scream and cry at the stupid old man for making such a terrible lie. Another part of me is still in shock. It's difficult for me to actually accept the fact that my best friend might truly be...

It's so hard to believe. He's invincible isn't he? He made it through so many different obstacles and fought so valiantly and overcame everything so many different times. It's impossible. He can't truly be gone. He just...well, he can't. I refuse to believe it.

But then there's the rational part of me that always has to step in. The part that reminds me that Dumbledore cared for him too. Dumbledore was and is...well, Dumbledore and he wouldn't lie about something as serious and hurtful as that. He just wouldn't.

That's the part of me that hurts the most. It's the part that has made it difficult for me to actually express what I'm truly feeling. I've locked myself into this room, not allowing people to see me. I fled from the entrance hall as soon as the words left Dumbledore's lips. I couldn't even look at Ron.

So, here I am still sitting here trying to figure out a way to unleash my feelings.

Do you think I'm crying right now? I'm not. I think I've forgotten how to cry. And I want to so...so much.

Crying would almost be more comforting than not feeling anything. I can't feel. I can't...I can't cry. I can't...

Merlin, how I wish I could see him. It's funny. I remember the first day I met him. There he was sitting in that compartment with Ron. It was undeniable who he was. I had been reading about the Wizarding World all summer and of course he was in several of the history books. For some reason I had expected him to be smug and arrogant like Draco Malfoy, yet he had shied away from all of the popularity.

Who knew that he would end up being one of the few people I could truly trust? And now...well, now he's gone. Look, I keep referring to him as "he" instead of writing his name. I almost feel as if I write his name on this piece of parchment it will make it totally irrevocable. It will be written in stone. He will truly be lost forever.

I don't know how long I've been in here. People have been at the door trying to get in for sometime. I refuse to let them come in and comfort me. I don't need their pity. I don't need their sympathetic faces or their sad eyes.

I need my friend back!

Oh Harry. Why did you have to die? Why did you…why did you have to go? You were one of the few people here who actually paid any attention to me. One of the few people who actually cared. One of my only friends.

Merlin, I've finally started crying. It hurts so bad. Why did he have to die?

I feel so…alone.

A/N: Very AU, I know. Just felt like posting it. Let me know what you think. There are a few more entries.