Coping

Chapter 5: Awkward Again

Buttamellow

Disclaimer: Harry Potter is owned by J.K Rowling, Warner Brothers, and its various publishers. No money is being made and no copyright infringement is intended.

They say that there are five stages of grief. Five stages. It seems like hardly anything when compared to the multitude of feelings I'm feeling at this moment. Five doesn't cover it. And- Is it possible to experience them all at once? Is that normal?

The first stage is denial. Ron is stuck in that stage. He always did have trouble with staying on task and moving on. With accepting the truth. I understand that it is difficult to accept the fact that Harry is gone. But…there's no way he could be alive, right?

The next stage is anger. The type of anger that is so overwhelming, so consuming, so painful that you don't know how to handle it. It takes over and eats away at you until it becomes so much a part of you that you can't distinguish it.

Anger is followed by bargaining. When you bargain, you will try and do anything to get that person back. Begging, pleading, questioning, rationalizing. Because, the truth is, all you want is for that person to return.

Once you realize that the person is truly gone and will never return, you slowly slip into the stage of depression. I think that stage is the hardest of all. You cry. You hate yourself. You hate that person. You grieve. Grieving can be so hard.

Finally after sometime you hit acceptance.

I don't know but I feel as though I always seem to mess up the stages. For some reason I'm experiencing four of them at the same time. Depression, obviously. And anger. I'm so angry that I can hardly even stand it. Denial. I think I'm almost passed that stage. But, what if…what if Harry was hiding somewhere? What if they hid him in order to make Voldemort think that Harry was dead, but he really is alive? What if…

Now I'm doing it again.

I'm just beginning the stage of bargaining. It's just so hard. So very, very, very hard.

So, I've been roaming around the halls more than usual. Before I even know it, I end up in front of some place where Harry, Ron and I spent a lot. Yesterday, for instance, I was walking along and suddenly I was standing on the third floor in front of the room where we first met Fluffy.

It was so...I know I keep saying this but...hard to see. I felt my breath hitch in my throat and my eyes begin to water against my will. I began to back up in a desperate attempt to get away when I suddenly bumped into Blaise Zabini. I've never liked him and of course the prat had to be absolutely rude about it.

I began to walk off, scolding myself for forgetting my wand, when he called out for me. Turning around agitatedly, I looked at him questioningly. It seems that even those people you decidedly dislike can surprise you from time to time. He said, "I'm sorry for your loss." Or something along those lines. I stood there in shock for a moment. It was the first time that someone hadn't tried to sympathize with me. The first time that I didn't hear someone whining about the fact that the Harry they never knew was dead. The first time that...I don't know. Someone other than Ron understood.

If anything, I learned two things from that confrontation. The first being to never, ever, ever, ever forget my wand. I honestly can't believe how stupid I was. The second being that people can amaze and shock you from time to time. I should have known that a long time ago.

As I said, though, my feelings are all misplaced. I seem to be muddling the steps of grieving. As with everything else, I'm being strange. When silence permeated the classrooms, I was always the one to raise my hand and answer the question. I'm a girl among men. A bushy-haired know-it-all that constantly messes things up. I've always been out of place wherever I go.

Maybe one of these days I won't be so awkward. So different. So...what did Ron say all those years ago?

Annoying.