Disclaimer: I do not own Attack on Titan. All characters (except my OCs) belong to the mangaka, Hajime Isayama. This is a work of fiction.
Summary: Levi is a reclusive senior student who shares an apartment with Mike, Nanaba, and his best friend, Hange, who he's secretly in love with. Oddly enough, they also belong to the same secret club with a special operations squad. The 104th cohort is a bunch of freshmen misfits they've taken under their wing, Moblit is Hange's lab partner also vying for her affections, while Erwin's the newest instructor who doesn't know how to teach. And they say school is fun. [Comedy AU]
Rating: M
SOS
Chapter 1: I Like to Move It, Move It
It's moving in day and there's a welcoming party for the seniors. Levi is wondering if he should attend, even without his best friend around.
Levi is more than thankful to be out of his shitty gangster uncle's shitty truck. It's not even a truck in his eyes; a dump of coiled metals would be the more appropriate term for it. There's a bunch of trash under the seats like peanut shells and gas receipts, and dirt has been settling on the carpet for who knows how long. The inside just reeks of alcohol and cigarettes, enough for Levi to gag for the entire journey. And when Kenny's not drinking, he smokes nonstop like a chimney. He might as well incinerate himself.
The pickup creaked the moment it pulled over the curb in front of his would-be apartment, the poor vehicle ready to drop dead. It's Levi's last year in college, and he's glad he's soon to bolt out of the campus gates with an Engineering diploma in hand (if he graduates). Thank god for his scholarship and the financial aid. Those were the only things keeping him afloat in college, in addition to some money he earned from his summer job working at a café near his hometown.
"Oi, brat, your stuff's not gonna haul itself out," Kenny points out to Levi's luggage at the back of his truck. There's also a folding table and chair for his study desk, a small bookshelf, a mini-dresser, and a backpack that contains his laptop. "Are you waiting for Christmas?"
"I could use some help, you know," Levi mutters as he drags all his belongings to the curb one at a time like a mule.
There's a lot of kids passing by, also heaving out their junk from their cars, vans, trucks along the streets. The entire area is full of students; it's a college town, after all. But how many trucks does it take to haul in some goddamn school stuff?
Kenny cranes his neck to the side, eyeing his nephew. He then shakes his head and puts his hands on his hips, arms akimbo. "Nah, you'll be good on your own. Should help you stretch for the day."
Levi blows a strand of hair away from his face. "Gee, thanks." Best uncle, ever.
The older man tips his hat—"Anytime." He gets inside then starts the engine of his metal dump. He's still watching his nephew grunt as he lifts the stuff up the stairs to the porch, when he rolls down the window and leans out. "Yo, Levi?"
"Haaa?" He cranes his neck to see Kenny holding out his phone. It must have slipped off of his pocket while inside the truck.
Levi's midway through the steps—backpack behind him, a luggage in hand, the folded chair tucked underneath his arm, and the mini-dresser on his other grip. A gust of wind would tip him over.
"Get taller," Kenny calls out, snickering loudly. "And snag a girl while you're at it!"
Then he tosses the phone over to his nephew.
"What the fuck—?" Levi drops everything in hand to catch it.
All his belongings start crashing down the stairs. Satisfied, Kenny zooms off.
There's a lot of cool things about being a college senior. For one, nobody's going to order them around, which means it's their turn to boss the younger ones. And that's the good thing about being away from his family, Levi thinks—his gangster uncle wouldn't be there to tell him what to do or what not to do.
"And if ever you spend the night in a cell, don't even bother calling me," Kenny reproached him, as if already expecting his own nephew to be in deep shit.
"I won't, because you probably might be in jail by then," Levi huffed. He wasn't even going to start enumerating his uncle's crimes: stealing tools from the neighbor, siphoning gasoline from someone's truck, mugging a homeless dog, cashing a stolen check ("It was one time, goddammit!"), possessing a crack pipe, and jaywalking.
Kenny scoffed. "You better use your head, shorty." He rubbed the stubble underneath his chin. "Maybe I'll come visit you and introduce myself to your friends."
"Absolutely fucking not."
"I'll tell them I'm a gangster and watch them shit their pants—"
"Then I'll make you shit your pants, too."
A smug smile formed on Kenny's face.
Levi got his dark humor from him. There's always a lot of banter going in between them to the point that it's already normal when they threaten each other. He misses his two childhood friends from their neighborhood, though. Farlan and Isabel practically grew up together with him, but they've also gone to schools outside their town. But that doesn't mean Levi no longer remembers the good times, which includes smashing mailboxes, lighting up dumpster bins, and even stealing a backhoe when the operator wasn't looking.
"Say, Levi," Farlan sat beside him as they watched the backhoe run down the hill and straight into a pond. The stereo inside was playing I Love Rock n' Roll. "You'll be good on your own, yeah?"
"I think I'm done doing pranks." A while ago, Levi had just driven the backhoe and climbed out while it was moving as he dropped and rolled down the ground, the bass line humming into the first verse.
"That's no fun," Isabel punched his arm, but he merely tousled her hair in return. "It defeats the purpose of going to college!"
"Who says I'm not going to have fun?"
The song got to the chorus, the title repeating over and over in a line. He picked up a rock and hurled it against the sinking backhoe's window. It smashed the entire pane, and Isabel cheered like there's no tomorrow.
The thing about friendship is you never know when it starts. That's precisely what he felt when he first met his group of friends. His only group of friends. He bumped into Hange first in their freshmen year after calling her a weirdo, and somehow got dragged into their circle by Nanaba and Mike. They came to him, and since then, he never let go.
"Are you picking those up or not?" A voice calls out from above.
He looks up and sees Mike by the window on the second floor. The guy with the mustache is pointing his mouth towards all of his friend's belongings splayed out on their porch for everyone to see.
Levi greets him with his middle finger. It's a sign of their friendship.
The front door finally opens. "Levi!" Nanaba comes running out of the apartment to help him. "I heard some commotion outside, but I couldn't see anyone, so I knew it had to be you!"
"Ah, smart thinking."
People call Nanaba a blonde version of him (actually, "tall, blonde, and gorgeous!" is what they say), but Levi still thinks her hair looks more like a peeled banana.
Mike, Nanaba's 6-foot-5-tall boyfriend with a sharp sense of smell, appears right behind her. "What's up, man? Still short as fuck?"
He gives Levi a fistbump after bending his knees to highlight the drastic difference in height. Mike's one of the people Levi can tolerate when it comes to commenting on his stature.
"Nothing new. And you?"
"Same old, same old."
They carry his stuff inside. The bungalow-style apartment is pristine and immaculate, small but comfy. Rent did not come cheap, but Levi's glad he's sharing the entire place with three other people. There's a common room with the kitchen and the bathroom adjacent to each other. Mike and Nanaba are taking the largest room upstairs, and Levi himself has been comfortable taking the smallest one; he doesn't need a lot of space, anyway. But their other roommate, well, that's another story.
"I take it Hange's not yet here?" Levi puts down his luggage for a moment before picking it up again.
Mike asks him a rhetorical question, "Does it look like she's already been?"
There's no sign of any presence of their resident mad scientist and friend. It's too silent, and not as messy as it would be if their friend were already there.
"Hange might arrive later, but we'll be at Nifa's welcoming party by then," Nanaba explains. "You're coming, right?"
He drops his suitcase. "You gotta be shitting me."
Nifa's a junior who's dating a senior named Keiji, and for some reason, Levi has managed to get to know them (by accident, when Hange spilled her drink on Nifa, and he had to apologize on behalf of her). Apart from being filthy rich, Nifa is lively and has the best fashion sense on campus. Plus, her short hair is dyed like a forest pixie's.
"Come on, Levi," Nanaba pouts, swaying herself like a kid. "There's gonna be great food and overflowing drinks and lots of dancing and nonstop music—"
"Exactly why I'm not going—"
She tugs his sleeve, her eyes bright and glowing. "It's our last year. It will be fun! Also, it's your chance to get laid!"
Levi shoots her a disapproving look. "Who says I want to get laid?"
"Your uncle, just a while ago? He'd be proud!" Apparently, she had been listening to Levi and Kenny's conversation the entire time. Too bad she has no idea what kind of person his uncle is.
And Levi has no intention of letting them know. "Nanaba, the last thing I want to do is make my gangster uncle proud."
Mike joins her in convincing him. "What do we have to do for you to attend?"
"I don't know?" He seriously does not want to find out. "Beg and grovel for it? Walk on fire? Cry me a river?"
"Gain a few more inches then maybe we'll think about it."
The blonde girl laughs, grabbing hold of Levi's hands. "Okay, okay, but still, please join us?"
And now he's stuck. There's no backing out whenever Nanaba persuades him to go. Mike would beat him to a pulp. After ten seconds, he finally gives in. "Fine, I'll be there."
"Yes!" Nanaba slaps him on the back.
"But," he raises a hand, "You have to help me clean right now."
"We can get behind that." Mike nods approvingly. Clean hard, party harder, that's the spirit.
Levi shrugs his shoulders. "Alright. So, who else is coming?"
He wishes he never asked. Nifa just invited the entire neighborhood.
The moment he finished unpacking and figuring out the proper placement of items inside his room, Nanaba came barging in only to drag him out. They had already swept and wiped every inch of their apartment. It was already 9 pm by then.
Some people would say the night is young, but Levi is more than ever willing to get to bed.
The house is not so hard to find. There is loud blaring music and flashing strobe lights that they can see from a distance. "Yup, that's Nifa's," Nanaba muses as they walk towards the impending disaster. A bunch of kids on a convertible are whooping as they park by the street right across the place. Maybe they'll tell them that it's a resident-only spot after the car gets towed.
"I can sniff all the alcohol from here," Mike tells them, inhaling the air and making a sour face. College kids definitely have no restraint when it comes to drinking.
Levi can't help but ask, "Does it also smell of vomit?"
They're already expecting the worst.
When they get to the porch, Keiji opens the door and welcomes them, "Glad you guys could come!"
They step in, and see that the house is already packed. From the corner of the room, some kids are playing beer pong, while others are trying to do a drunken headstand. There's loud chatter from every side of the house, making the air suffocating. They scooch over to the kitchen where there's a bowl of rum punch waiting for them and they help themselves to a cup each, in addition to a jar of cheese curls and some bags of popcorn and potato chips, which Levi believes is the most disgusting snack of college students. Those don't even count as food.
"I'm going to see Nifa," Nanaba, being a social butterfly, yells at the boys before she disappears into the crowd.
Mike and Levi step out onto the lawn and see more people dancing and singing in high spirits to the booming stereo. Awkward and sticking out like a sore thumb, they feel like wallflowers already wilting at this point—Levi particularly. He's one to stay on the sidelines for the most part.
The two are looking for a spot to sit in when somebody bumps into Levi and spills his drink into his shirt. Levi spats, "The fuck, man?"
The stranger in question is much, much taller and has the audacity to glare back at the midget.
Two things: first, Levi is a notorious clean freak, so spilling anything on him is a mortal sin. Second, looking down on Levi is a bad, bad mistake. The stranger manages to do all and piss him off just by asking, "What are you, a freshman?"
Levi gives him his famous scowl. "Fuck, no. I'm a senior."
"Oh, sorry," the boy snorts, "Maybe you could buy some height from the store."
'Maybe you should buy a brain for yourself,' Levi thinks. The tall guy doesn't see the fist already curling on Levi's side. Hell is about to break loose, until—
"Gelgar, there you are!" A voice interjects from the crowd. "I see you drowning your sorrows in alcohol once again."
Mike and Levi look over and see Erwin, another good friend of theirs. He looks crisp and fresh in his buttoned-up shirt, like he has all his shit together. Erwin is usually a wallflower like them, but tonight, he's a blessing in disguise.
When the guy named Gelgar looks at him, Erwin continues, "Aren't you supposed to be at Alcoholics Anonymous?"
"We'll sign you up," Mike offers under his breath. The asshole could definitely use some help.
Gelgar is now morose, but also cowering over the also tall, but blond, and gorgeous man. Erwin's presence always intimidates people. The alcoholic starts making excuses: "Well, my friend was invited, and I'm the plus one…"
"So go bug your friend and be useful to humanity, then."
Hesitantly, Gelgar disappears after giving them a dirty look, and Erwin steps into the space where he was a while ago. "Having fun, you guys?" He claps his hands on both of their shoulders, a smile forming on his face.
"Fun? I feel old. I can feel my joints hurting just by watching these people party," Mike laughs. "It's great to see you, man."
Levi shrugs Erwin's hand away, not wanting to be touched. "And why are you here, Eyebrows? Aren't you supposed to be making your lesson plan?"
"Well, school hasn't officially started yet, so I'm technically one of the kids still." Erwin graduated with his Education degree just about four months ago, and the university has offered him a job as an instructor right out of college since he's also working on his Master's degree. He was, of course, elated. It's everything his father would have wanted for him, he being a principal in the past. Erwin just hopes he can teach the idiots a thing or two. "Where's Hange?"
"Who knows? And why are you asking me?" Levi asks, wondering if Erwin sees him and Hange as a package deal.
Erwin does a half-shrug. "You two are joined at the hip more often than not."
"That would be my worst nightmare."
They're all leaning against the wall, judging each and every one in the crowd, when Nifa and Nanaba find them, already sweaty from all the dancing. "Are you ready to sell your soul?" which, unfortunately, also translates to "Dance with us!"
"Oh, they're doing it," Erwin chuckles, as he downs his drink. Mike is about to ask what 'it' was when they see the entire crowd coming towards them, all lined up, their hands on the waist of the person in front of them. They're un-rhythmically pushing their hips forward then back, making them look like a giant constipated worm.
"Ready for the conga?" Nifa wiggles her eyebrows as Nanaba pulls Mike behind her, while Erwin tugs Levi for the line dance. The crowd is ready to swallow them whole.
"Hell no." Levi bats Erwin's hand away, which is one of the many mistakes he's done for tonight.
"Hell yes." Erwin then kicks him into the waiting crowd and follows along. More hands pull them in, voices cheering and chanting the novelty song, and finally, Levi gives in once more.
The reason he's sharing an apartment with three other seniors (miraculously they agreed, reclusive and temperamental as Levi usually is) instead of staying at the university dormitory was not really much of a secret. But it was a secret other people would rather bury, out of fear of Levi.
It was in junior year when it happened. Sitting by the recreation area, he was trying to reach Kenny by phone when a group of lousy boys whistled in unison by the window.
"Hey, check that out," one of the students pointed his lips towards the person who was passing them by. "A wild one got loose."
The person was dressed up in a maroon tracksuit, a speck of grime on her lab coat, and her ponytail tied up in a mess. With a pile of textbooks and notebooks stacked up in her arms, nobody could see where she was heading to, and neither could she.
There was no need for Levi to get a look at her face. He instantly knew it was Hange. As to what her business was in the boys' dormitory, he had no idea.
She was absentmindedly humming a song to herself, until she bumped into a pillar, all her belongings falling to the ground with consecutive thuds.
"That a 'he' or 'she'?" Another of the male dormers snickered as they watched Hange bend down to pick up her stuff. "Looks like that ass could use a tap."
Levi's fingers curled around his phone even tighter.
"Wouldn't say no to that," a third one replied. "She's mostly flat, but I would definitely smash."
That was the final straw. In five or six steps, Levi grabbed the nearest guy by the collar and punched him right on the face. Hissing, he felt his knuckles split open. He felt someone strike him in retaliation so he turned to the two others and lashed out on them. But Levi's rage had already flown out of the window. They were brawling like madmen.
Once they held him back, the resident manager appeared. "Hold the fuck up," he said, his hands warding them to keep their distance from each other.
"The next time I hear that shitty mouth of yours with your shitty comments on people, I'll make sure you shit right out of your mouth," Levi snarled. He was about to free himself and deal another blow when—
"Oh, Levi, I was looking for you," Hange called after him, not realizing the commotion. "Wanted to return the books that you nicked from the lib."
Needless to say, the resident manager banned Levi from staying at the dormitory in his final year.
Mike, who gave him some ice chips to nurse his bleeding lip, was highly impressed. "So I bet you'll be taking care of Hange from now on?"
"I'll try," he said.
He escapes after an hour of dancing in a fucking conga circle with random people. Dancing is not even the right way to put it; Levi cannot dance to save his life. What he did was more of an awkward swaying here and there, as much as his stiff body could move. He finally thinks he's had enough after a drinking game that got him taking several shots in. Nanaba and Mike urge him to stay, and Erwin still thinks the night is young (at midnight), but Levi is pretty much an old man inside a college kid's body so they eventually let him go.
Once he gets back to their apartment, he spots a familiar car parked in the driveway. It's a sign that Hange has arrived. There's the sound of a suitcase being dragged on the other side so he comes around the car and gets tackled by a death hug.
"Levi! Oh, it's so great to see you!" Hange exclaims before adding, "You haven't changed one bit!" The mad scientist keeps on giving comments about his height and he always lashes out on that.
However, he decides not to pursue that route tonight. He would have been fine with the death hug, had it not been for the huge glass jars in between them. "Hange—fuck—get off me—!"
She lets go and clings to her belongings sheepishly, pushing her glasses up. "Are you excited for this year? We finally get to share an apartment together!"
Levi dusts off his already dirty shirt and sees Hange's in her maroon tracksuit, her hair sticking out of her ponytail. He looks down in her arms and grimaces. She's holding a tray and there's a bunch of critters bottled up in jars. Millipedes, centipedes, bugs and beetles—almost all kinds of insects, you name it. This goes without saying that Hange is a passionate Biology major who's interested in entomology. Levi thinks it's the most useless field to specialize in, but of course he doesn't want to hurt her feelings.
His eyes travel over to the jars. "Jeez, did you just dig an entire hole on the ground?"
"Hey, these took months to collect!" Hange frowns. "By the way, I could use some help here—"
"No." His back is already turned towards her.
"Please?" Hange whines, her hands clasped together, pleading.
"Four-Eyes, I've hauled all my stuff this afternoon and have had eight drinks in. Not to mention that someone spilled his drink on my shirt and I've been asked to join the conga."
"That's college for you, in case you still don't know," Hange comments. And then grinning, she adds, "I'll buy you lunch tomorrow if you help."
"You think you can bribe me just like that?"
"Yes. That, or I can always lure you in with a broom. So what's your decision?"
He can tell she's not budging until he relents to her request. Holding his palms up, he sighs, "Fine, I'll do it." Levi gives in for a third time tonight.
Without warning, Hange hands him the tray with her critter friends in their jars—"Careful with that!"
He shifts his weight from holding all the nasty specimens. "I hope you don't have a tarantula in here," he frowns.
"Actually, I do," she's apologetic when Levi shoots her with dagger eyes. Hange continues, "But it's been dead for awhile. I've been studying its exoskeleton. It's in my suitcase. You wanna see it?"
"The fuck."
They enter the house from the garage and head for the stairs where the bedrooms are. Levi is already on the top of the stairway when he looks down and sees her struggling to pull up her luggage.
"Stupid—thing—ugh!"
The sound of plastic hitting the wood repeatedly is annoying. In addition to that, he had just immaculately mopped the steps before coming over to the party.
"Let me help." He puts down the tray on the second floor landing and comes to her aid. He can see that the wheels got caught under one of the steps. "Oi, Four-Eyes, use your brain—"
"Why are you stuck—" Hange pulls once more with all her strength and stumbles. And then she shrieks as her suitcase flies open, spilling all her clothes out, along with her jar of spider skeleton.
"Hange!" His first instinct is to protect her.
As if in slow motion, Hange scoops her jar of dead tarantula just in time as Levi catches her by the waist. However, he also loses his footing and eventually slips from the recently-polished flooring.
They tumble down together, landing on a step of the stair with a thud. "Ow!"
And another. "Ow!"
And another. "Oof!"
Once they reach the bottom rolling, Levi groans in pain, "Fuck, my knee," while Hange cries out simultaneously, "Fuck, my spider."
The glass jar is miraculously intact, but the exoskeleton inside has broken into several pieces, the head lolling out from the impact of being rolled down the stairs together with its owner. "I'll put you back together, don't worry, my Tara," Hange rubs the jar and plants a kiss on the surface.
Another groan escapes Levi. "Are you ever getting up?"
Hange's weight is still pinning him down to the floor, her elbow digging into his chest, his arms still wrapped around her. "Oh, right, I forgot." She stands up and offers her hand to him. "Are you okay?"
Levi stays on the floor for another minute, still trying to catch his breath. The pain on his knee is throbbing the more he puts pressure on it. "I think I'm going to blame that on the alcohol."
"Yeah, maybe you should." Hange nods, jar cradled in her hands.
He feels like he just shortened his lifespan by half. And all for a goddamn spider.
"Next time you ask me to help, just give me the damn suitcase."
END OF CHAPTER
Author's Note: Alright, that was fun! I hope you guys enjoyed reading it. I realize I'm writing way too many angsty fics so I'm trying to break the habit and write something hilarious instead. Let me know what you think!