Goodness gracious me! Quick updates, no? I'm really trying to get as much out as I can before school starts back up again because with all the hours I'm talking I'll have next to no time for fan fics:( it makes me sad. But another reason I want this one out and finished is because I have a new story that I'm working on. It's about Sirius again, of course. But the twist: oh, you have to wait for that! I have a nice chunk of it done, something like 50 pages. But if all goes accordingly, it should be pretty long and have more plot lines. I'm working on expanding my talents (which are a far few, but hey, we do what we can...why am i talking in third person. dammit smeagol). OK, so why am I talking so long about this? Gah, I'm weird, and it's like 2 in the morning and i'm listening to julie andrews. it's possible that there's something wrong with me.Anyways…

I'm glad everyone was pleased with the Willow chapter. It just never sat well with me that Sirius would purposefully try to do Snape in like that. I mean, he can be a jerk, but he's not cruel. Also, I know Dumbledore's punishment is a bit lenient. But I couldn't think of anything else. He's already off Quidditch and Duel Club for the year. I guess the detentions will just have to be brutal.

Chapter 17

The next morning when Sirius peeked through the curtains hanging around his bed, he was the only one in the dorm room. He sat back on the crumpled sheets, staring ahead but not really seeing anything. He needed to go out there and find the others. It needed to be done. But he couldn't bring himself to do it. He could bring himself to face the betrayal that was sure to be written in the others' faces. His friends had meant everything to him, and he had betrayed their trust.

It was a Saturday, so he had no classes to attend. There was no need for Sirius to remove himself from the bed for two days. He could easily face the lack of food. His parents had forced him to do that more times than he could count. He just couldn't face Remus, Peter, and James.

So Sirius sat on his bed, curtains drawn tightly closed all day long. He didn't eat, he didn't sleep, he didn't move. No one came into the room all day or night. All Sirius could do was sit and think. The more he thought, the more he wanted to vomit. He had let himself loose control. He had allowed Snape to rile him so much that he had betrayed one of his best friends. He hadn't thought about the consequences of his actions. When did he ever? Remus had no control over himself during the full moons. The werewolf could have killed Snape or turned him as well. Sirius had allowed that chance to happen. He deserved anything Snape had to say or throw at him now.

The sky outside darkened and lightened again before anyone entered the dorm room. Sirius could hear harsh voices outside on the stairs. The door flew open and a voice hissed, "Moony!"

Sirius's eyes widened, and his heart skipped a beat. It was silent in the room for a few seconds before the door slammed shut again. Heavy footsteps stormed back down the stairs. Heavy silence fell again that was broken by Remus's voice. "Sirius," he said softly.

Sirius swallowed thickly. "Come out," Remus said. Sirius couldn't move. He tried to raise his hand to draw back the curtains, but he couldn't bring himself to actually do so. The most he could get was a finger twitch. Quite suddenly, the curtains flew back, and bright light flooded over Sirius. He blinked rapidly to adjust his eyes. Remus was standing there looking down at him. His face was a mask, but Sirius could see the hurt and anger swimming in his golden eyes.

The two boys stared at each other for a few minutes before Remus broke the silence again. "Is it true," he asked thickly.

Sirius lowered his eyes. He couldn't bear to look at Remus anymore. Sirius couldn't find his voice so he nodded. "Why," Remus asked in a whisper.

"I have no excuse to give you, Remus," Sirius answered, his own voice in a whisper. "And there are no words, no actions, nothing I can possibly do to express to you how horrible I feel and how sorry I am."

"Tell me what happened," Remus demanded softly as he sat at the foot of Sirius's bed. Sirius did his best to follow Remus's wish. He held back his sobs for as long as he was capable. But they came full force when he thought about what he had told Dumbledore, the truths he had been holding in for so long and had finally spoken.

He sobbed into his hands for what seemed like hours. He wasn't sure how long it really was. All the while Remus sat watching, never moving or speaking. He just waited. Finally when Sirius was able to bring his red rimmed eyes to meet the werewolf's, Remus spoke. "I can't pretend what you did doesn't hurt, Sirius," he said. "Honestly, this is the worst hurt I think I've ever felt. Something chocolate won't make up for."

Sirius's eyes widened and he stuttered in a scandalized tone, "I—I would—I'd never think to—Remus, please, you—you can't think—I—I—"

Remus held up his hand for Sirius to be silent, and there was an odd glint in his eyes. Sirius then understood. "No, I don't think you would try to buy this off with chocolate," Remus said with a small smile that was so characteristic of him. "I also don't think that you meant to do what you did. That doesn't take away the hurt, but I know that you're sorry. I know that in your right mind you would never do something like that. You're a fiercely loyal friend, Sirius, one I'll always be grateful to have. I also think that what you did involves what's happened to you."

What little color Sirius had to his face drained. His lip trembled as did his hands. Remus noticed. With a frown he asked, "Sirius?"

Sirius swallowed thickly. "Remus—Remus, I want to tell you," he said. He did. He wanted to tell Remus and Peter and even Lily. He knew they would be there for him. He knew that they would not laugh or try to back away. He knew that now. "But I don't know why I can't."

Remus sighed. "I would never force you to say anything you don't want to, you know that right?" Sirius nodded. "And you know that I'll be here whenever you're ready to talk?" He nodded again. The boys were silent for a few minutes before Remus said, "I think I know what it is."

"You're probably right," Sirius muttered, burying his face in his hands.

"Snape said something about it, didn't he," Remus asked. Sirius didn't have to even nod for Remus to know. The werewolf sighed. "I can understand why him saying something about it would cause you to do what you did. It's a torture. I understand torture. I go through it once a month." Sirius nodded. Remus reached over and placed a hand on Sirius's shoulder. He gave it a quick squeeze before lowering it. "Why don't you come out of the room now," Remus asked.

Immediately Sirius tensed up. "No," he said. "James hates me now. Peter's sure to follow James. And you should hate me too," he added miserably.

Remus frowned. "I don't hate anyone," Remus said. Sirius offered him a disbelieving look. "I don't," he insisted. "There are people that I hold a great distain for, but no one I hate. Hate is a strong word, Sirius." Sirius lowered his gaze to his hands. "I won't deny that James is really angry, and Peter is siding with him. But then again, I'm really angry too. But I also understand that you would change what happened given the opportunity. James is mad at me for forgiving you, which I do," he added as Sirius jerked his head up to stare at him. "I do forgive you, Sirius. I'm no less angry, but I'll forgive you."

Sirius blinked back tears. "I don't deserve any of you," he muttered.

"Don't talk like that," Remus commanded. "Don't ever. Everyone makes mistakes, Sirius, we're human. It happens, end of story. It's only if we don't learn from those mistakes that things get bad. Yes, you betrayed my trust, and you will have to work to get it back, but I can never forget that you became an Animagus, at great risk to yourself, to help me, to make my transformed nights a little better. I can't and won't ever forget or stop being grateful for that. Just the fact that the three of you remained friends with me after learning what I was means more than I can say."

"I really don't deserve a friend like you, Remus," Sirius said, blinking furiously. "I do this horrible thing to you and you forgive me. You trusted me with you deepest, darkest secret. All of this, and I can't trust you. You deserve honesty, and even though I want to give it to you—I really do—I just can't bring myself to say the words."

"Defense mechanism," Remus said knowledgably. "You've been keeping this secret for a long time, years. It's natural to find it difficult to admit to." He bit his bottom lip before nervously saying, "James said you'd never even actually told him."

Sirius shook his head. He hadn't. Remus continued, "If you can't bring yourself to tell James, then what chance do Peter and I have?" Sirius turned to Remus with wide eyes, but before he could even open his mouth, Remus chuckled. "Come on, Padfoot," he said. "I know that you consider the two of us best friends, but James is your best friend. You and James connect on a level that most people can't even imagine. We aren't resentful of that at all. I think it's wonderful."

Remus stood from the bed. "I'm going to head down. You want to come?"

Sirius bit his bottom lip. "I don't think I should," he said slowly.

Remus nodded. "I won't make you do anything you don't want to do," he said, walking towards the door. "And I'll talk to James." Sirius nodded and Remus left the room. Sirius laid back down and remained on his bed for another day.

The next morning Sirius had to get up. It was Monday and classes were back on. He quickly changed into his uniform and made his way down to the Great Hall. He headed for the Gryffindor table, an anxious look appearing on his face as he saw James, Peter, and Remus. He drew in a deep breath and walked over at Remus's encouraging look. Peter looked up and saw Sirius. Sirius saw the other boy's lips move, and then James turned around.

The look on James's face was enough to make Sirius stop dead in his tracks. He was staring at Sirius with the look he usually reserved for Snape. The color drained from Sirius's face at the murderous glare. He tried to step forward to take his normal seat by James, but the messy haired boy unceremoniously dumped his book-bag onto the seat.

"James," Remus said in a warning tone.

"He's not sitting here," James snapped loudly.

Sirius drew in a shuttering breath, and Lily Evans turned her bright eyes over to James. A frown was forming on her face. Sirius drew in a deep breath, hoping to calm his nerves and slow down his racing heart. "Prongs," Sirius started.

"DON'T EVER CALL ME THAT!" James roared, flying up from his seat.

The Great Hall became deathly silent. All eyes were on Sirius Black and James Potter. Most faces were slack with astonishment. No one had seen the famously good friends fight or even seriously yell at each other since the beginning of their first year, when they had still held all their families' prejudices against each other. A few first years looked rather frightened.

No one moved for several minutes. James and Sirius stood in the aisle between the Gryffindor and Hufflepuff tables, James glaring fiercely and Sirius staring in shock. "Prongs, I—" Sirius tried again.

"What did I just say," James growled. Sirius blinked. He didn't know what to do, what to say. James crossed his arms over his chest, eyes burning behind his glasses. "You have a lot of never coming over here. You think you can pull a stunt like that and come back like nothing's wrong?"

"I—I'm sorry," Sirius attempted.

Several people who could hear what was being said sucked in sharp breaths. Sirius Black had just apologized for something. They didn't know what it was, but Sirius Black didn't apologize for anything. That was just a rule of thumb. Something terrible must have happened.

"Why don't you get lost," James said in a low, precarious tone. It left no room for argument. Sirius swallowed thickly as he looked into the eyes of his best friend. Well, certainly James would say former now. There was no spark of laughter in those hazel eyes now, only searing anger. Sirius blinked back tears and turned on his heel to run from the Hall.

James frowned after him with narrowed eyes and no hint of remorse on his face. Peter was biting his bottom lip. He wasn't likely to actually say anything to James as he was a bit scared of the other boy's temper, but he thought that was a bit too harsh. Sure he was mad about what Sirius had done, but there was a limit. Sirius was sorry, after all. Remus was half out of his seat, yellow eyes flashing. But before he could do or say anything more, there was the harsh sound of flesh slapping flesh.

James stumbled back a few steps and brought a hand gingerly to his cheek, which was stinging sharply and surely tinted red. Standing before him, arm still in the air, was a fuming Lily Evans. Her face was the color of her hair, and her eyes were flashing dangerously. Had she been a dragon, steam would have likely been blowing from her nostrils with each of her short snort like breaths. Someone let out a low "Oooh" and a few of the Slytherins were laughing. Several girls had clapped their hands to their mouths, and a few teachers had stood. Remus sat back down.

For his part, James could only stare at Lily. She had hit him, actually hit him. She had never done something like that before. Sure, she had hexed him a few times, but that was what magical children did. But never, in six years of constant never grating, had she ever hit him.

"James Potter, you are disgusting!" she cried. "How could you say something like that to him?"

James shook his head and glared back at her. "You have no idea what you're talking about, Evans," he snapped. "Mind your own business."

"When you say hurtful things like that to a friend of mine it becomes my business," she countered. James pushed to the back of his mind the fact that he had said similar things numerous times in defense of Sirius.

"You don't know what's going on," James said. "You don't know what he did. He doesn't deserve anyone's kindness right now."

Lily hissed, "You sound like a Slytherin." James's jaw dropped. He was a Gryffindor through and through. How could she say something like that? "He's your best friend!"

"Not anymore," James said stubbornly crossing his arms.

Lily turned away and bent down to pick up her schoolbag. She swung it over her shoulder and turned to look at James over her shoulder. "Just so you know, Potter, I was going to say yes next time you asked me out. Sirius convinced me to give you a chance. But if you can so easily say such horrible things to your best friend—your brother—then I can't imagine how horribly you'd treat me," she said. And with that, Lily stormed from the hall to find Sirius.

James could only stare after her with his jaw hanging somewhere near his knees. He blinked in confusion and opened and closed his mouth a few times; all in all, it was a wonderful impression of a fish. He dropped back into his seat with an ungraceful thud. He turned to look back at the other Marauders. Peter was inching down the bench, his eyes wide as he stared at Remus. For his part, the werewolf was glaring at James with a ferocity that was usually only seen the day before the full moon. "Moony," James asked a bit hesitantly.

"Don't," Remus snapped. James opened his mouth, but Remus held up a hand for silence. James wisely obeyed. "You deserved every bit of that, James," Remus continued. "You deserved everything Lily just dished out and more."

"Remus," James protested, ignoring the face that most of the Great Hall was listening, "you can't possibly be siding with them!"

"I can, and I am," Remus said. "He's sorry, James. He's apologized, and I've forgiven him." He lowered his voice to a whisper. "It was my trust that he broke, and if I can forgive him and not treat him like he's dirt, then you should too. I'm the one with the right to explode and loose my temper, but I didn't. So you shouldn't."

James just glared back. "He's pushed it this time, you have to admit it, Remus. After all we did, all the oaths, look what he goes and does!"

"You're an idiot, James," Remus said, collecting his bag. Class was about to start. "You've probably just lost your best friend and the girl you claim to be in love with, all because you refuse to forgive an action that isn't yours to hold a grudge over. Let's go, Peter." Peter scrambled after Remus, clearing not wanting to get on the werewolf's bad side. They left James sitting at the table, staring after them.

Lily ran out the front doors of the castle and down the path leading to Hagrid's hut. Instead of staying on it, she turned right at the pumpkin patch and disappeared into the Forbidden Forest. She didn't go in very far, perhaps just a few dozen yards. However, she didn't stopwalking along the treesfor quite a few minutes. Pushing a thick branch aside, Lily entered a clearing that looked very out of place in the dark forest.

Tiny lights--that turned out to be fairies on closer inspection--floated about the air, and the golden, morning sunlight poured through the gaps in the canopy. A small crystal stream ran a few yards away. A willow's branches skimmed the water, floating gently downstream as far as they could go. Sitting under the willow was Sirius.

Lily and Sirius had found this place in their third year. It had been an accident. Lily was serving her first ever detention—a result of being near Sirius at the wrong time when the ever foul-moody Filch had been stalking by—and they had gotten separated from Hagrid and James. This lovely place had been a pleasant surprise in a forest that was famous for its dark spots and dangerous creatures. Lily snuck off to find it again one day and had come across Sirius. He had told her that he came out here occasionally to get some time to himself and think—something that couldn't be done if his other friends knew where he was.

Lily lowered her bag to the ground and slowly approached Sirius. He sat on the ground, his face buried in his hands. His shoulders were shaking slightly. Lily frowned. She had never seen Sirius cry before and felt as though she were watching something indecent. Sirius was always so prideful and strong.

Lily lowered herself down on the grass beside him. "You know, walking around the Forbidden Forest alone is dangerous," he said after a few minutes of silence.

"I could extend the same warning," Lily said. She placed a hand on his back in a comforting manner. "He was wrong to say those things," she said suddenly.

Sirius sighed heavily but did not remove his face from his hands. "No, he wasn't. It hurt, but he was right. You don't know what's going on, Lily. You don't know why I deserved it."

"He tried to tell me that," Lily said in a business like manner. "But I stand by what I'm saying. He was wrong. You're sorry for whatever it was. Anyone with eyes can see that much. But he's just too high and mighty to see that." Sirius didn't answer her.

Lily reached over and placed a hand on his cheek, forcing him to look up at her. It nearly broke her heart to see the defeated look in his eyes. "Listen, I know you won't tell me exactly what it is that happened. It's one of the great secrets of the Marauders," she said the name with a joking air. Sirius almost smiled. "But I know that no one deserves to be spoken to the way Potter spoke to you in the Hall. He was wrong, and you need to know that."

Sirius blinked and a tear fell from his grey eyes. Lily wiped it away. "You've had such a horrible semester," she said. Sirius failed to repress a shudder. She didn't know the half of it.

Lily leaned forward and wrapped Sirius in a comforting hug. "Just remember, Sirius, I'll always be here for you. Even if you just need a quick hug, come find me." Sirius squeezed her tightly. Right now, that meant more than he could say.

They sat in companionable silence for a few more minutes before Sirius said, "You should get going. Class has started by now. You'll get a detention if you skip."

"You have class too, remember," Lily said. "And I can handle a detention."

Sirius shook his head, amazed that Lily would risk detention—which was like a jail sentence to her—to sit out here with him. "I'm going to stay out here for a bit longer. I—I can't face James right now."

"I'll stay with you," Lily said with a look that left no room for arguments. "You need a friend right now, and if Potter's going to be an ungodly arse, then I'll sit here with you." Sirius leaned his head on her shoulder and let her twirl the hair on the back of his head. He was grateful for her company, even if he felt undeserving of it.

Hmm, that Lily and Sirius bit seems a bit shippy now that I look back on it. Oh well. I defend it by saying my best friend is a guy and we are perfectly capable of acting in such a manner without thinking of romantic-like feelings. So there! Heehee, although a nice Sirius/Lily story from time to time does make me smile.

Ok, so I just wanted to share with everyone that on the part where James says, "you got a lot of nerve coming down here," (or whatever it was exactly) strongly reminds me of Lando Calrissian. Sirius would have made a good Han Solo, but somehow I get the feeling that the innocent, little Han Solo "me?" thing would have been inappropriate for the given situation. Heehee, who would have been the wookie? Well, I just wanted to share that. Please review now!