Disclaimer – I do not own TMNT

Hey everyone thanks for reading this far. You may have realized this particular chapter took awhile; I just started nursing again and have been running around like crazy. I did submit a chapter earlier but hated it for I kind of rushed into what I was thinking.

Anyways I apologize for how short this chapter is, I wanted to set it up for the big chapter when all is revealed ^^

Also, I wanted to make a note, I do reread these chapters over a few times and catching grammar errors has never been one of my strong points. Actually grammar has never been one of my strong points. So anyone willing to become a beta reader for me would be greatly appreciated. Please don't forget to review.

Chapter 3 – The Silent Protector

It was dark. Fingers traced along the sheets underneath him, wrinkled and wet from sweating and tossing through another dream – another nightmare. Raphael placed his arm against his eyes, even the feel of his own skin felt foreign at the moment.

Even though a few days had passed since he had almost died, Raph knew that this was a battle that could never be over. An internal struggle that none of his brothers can begin to comprehend.

His brothers – guilt ate at his heart as he tried to think of something else. Raph had never told them anything, even though each one of them had pressure him to open up. He just couldn't.

If they knew….

Raph shook his head; he did not want to think of what would happen. This was his fight, his battle and not his brothers. He couldn't bring them into this, he just couldn't.

"You awake Raph?" Raphael jumped at the sound of Leo's voice. He had not even heard his brother open his door, but sure enough his older brother stood at the doorway.

There was a flicker of light and Raph had realized it was due to the candle Leo was carrying. Leo had a thing for candles. Raph always thought some of them smelt way too strong, secretly though he enjoyed the smell of vanilla and lilacs. Leo stood in his doorway; the candle's light dancing in those golden browns. A lovely smell of lilacs hit Raph's nose and drowning his room with the delicate scent – Raph wondered if Leo knew his secret of what he thought about this scent.

Raphael looked away, "no," he lied as he went to pull the covers over him to hide his face, "now would you get out of my room!"

There was no sound, no sign that Leo stayed or left but Raph knew that getting rid of Leo wouldn't have been that easy. A yelp escaped his throat as the covers were suddenly ripped from his body, sitting up quickly Raph glared at his older brother who now was hovering above him holding the red blanket in his hand.

Luckily, Raph thought to himself, he had switch back to a normal bed awhile ago. If he had been in his hammock he would have fell flat on his face. His hammock had broke and Raph hadn't been able to find one that met his rather picky sleeping needs. Instead he settled for a bed, even though he missed sleeping on his back he had to admit that being able to cuddle into blankets was nice.

Yellow eyes took in the fact that the candle was set on his bedside table; his magazines that were scattered messily on his table were now in a neat little pile. The corners perfectly aligned with each other. Leave it to Leo to perfect even the most simplest of things.

"Raph," Leo said now folding his blanket neatly, "you had another nightmare didn't you?"

Silence had followed as Raph seem more interested at staring at his feet then his older brother, "no Leo, now would you get the fuck out of my room! Normal people sleep at this time of night you know."

The bed moved under Raph as Leo had taken a seat at the edge, "why do you do this every time…" Leo muttered, it didn't sound like a question to Raph more like a thought that Leo had accidently said out-loud.

"Do what Leo?" Raph grumbled, laying back down and curling towards the right of his bed, so he was staring at the wall. The last thing he wanted was for his brother to notice the pain in his eyes.

"Push me away Raph, even now you're doing it. Hiding within this pretend shield of yours, you can't even look me in the eyes," Leo's voice echoed with concern and worry. It was not a foreign tone to Raph, his older brother always felt as if it was his job to protect his brothers from the demons inside and outside.

"Maybe because there is nothing wrong Leo, maybe I just want to get some damn sleep!" Raph grumbled still staring at the wall. His eyes stung with tears but Raph refused to cry, so instead he blinked them away.

Leo's hand touched his shoulder, a gentle brotherly touch. Leo knew. A silent curse echoed in Raph's head.

Raphael was right. Leo knew that his brother was still struggling. Leo could have felt it just as easily as if Raph had painted a picture in front of his eyes; a picture that was painted with dark shadows and colours mix in a chaotic swirl, where the lighter colours are lost – it was the very aura that was radiating around Raphael.

There was silence, a long silence. As Raph struggled to not break down under Leo's touch and Leonardo continued to sit there waiting for his younger brother to decide it was time to open up.

"Why Leo…" Raph whispered as he closed his eyes, his body trying to curl into a ball. Raph wanted nothing more than to disappear at this moment. "Why do you know me so well…I hate it…"

"I guess I pay attention to you Raph," Leo whispered pulling his hand away, his heart ache at those words. Why couldn't Raphael just accept his help? Why did he always pull away?

When Leo pulled his hand away Raph felt strange, he wanted Leo to touch him again. To make him feel alive, to feel real, to know that he was not as alone as he felt – he craved Leo and that only made Raphael's heart ache more.

Tell him; ask him for help…Leo will help you! Stop trying to pretend you can do this alone.

However, Raphael knew he wouldn't. No matter how many times he tried to tell himself too Raph just couldn't drag Leo into this.

"Master Splinter knows about this doesn't he?" Leo finally asked, brown eyes settled on the dancing flame of the candle. The flame appeared tamed as if it was dancing along to an unknown song.

"Yeah," Raph whispered, his voice sounded meek and quiet.

A frown appeared on Leo's face. How could Master Splinter not say anything to him about this? It was not fair; he was the leader after all right? Shouldn't he know what battle his brother was fighting? Shouldn't he be told so he can help?

Turning around Leo stared at Raphael's shell, eyes tracing along the many dents and scars from the battles they had faced throughout their lives. Some of them appeared new to Leo, eyes then travelled to the shaking shoulders of his brother. He noticed the way Raphael was curled up, the way he was trying to draw away.

Leo could feel his heartbreaking; he wanted to reach out, to help him. To bring back that smirk on his face. Leo wanted more than ever for Raph to start yelling at him for practically no reason again.

Lying down beside Raphael Leo pulled him towards his body, wrapping his arms around his younger brother. Raph's shell pressed firmly against his plastron. Leo pressed his forehead against the back of Raphael's head and whispered lightly, "I'm here Raph; I'll always be here for you."

For once Raphael did not pull away; instead he continued to silently cry. Shell pressed into Leo. Leo's arms wrapped around him, holding onto Raph as if he was afraid his brother would break. The smell of lilacs around them, and the flame continued to dance – all of this eventually lulled Raphael into a deep sleep.

A sleep free of dreams – only the smell of Leo…

Morning came. Raphael stared up at his ceiling, the smell of Leo still lingered but his warm strong arms were no longer around him. Leo was probably up meditating or training – after all it was Leo – morning was probably three hours ago to him.

Raphael felt strange as for once he had a decent sleep.

Leo…

His mind thought about his brother. Was it really wrong to love Leonardo as much as he did?

It was hard for Raphael. His heart ached for Leo; his body desire him, his mind thought of him…why….

Why couldn't he just be normal? Why couldn't he love Leo like a brother? Why did he want more? Why did he desire more?

Even though a few years ago Donnie had been curious to see if they were blood related, and found they weren't. Somehow Raph felt as if Leo didn't care – to Leo they were brothers and that was it. Nothing less…and sadly nothing more.

His feelings, his emotions were dangerous and Raphael knew that, he knew he needed to move on.

But…

That was one battle he couldn't win.

Leo was his own guilty pleasure.

Sighing he curled towards the side of his bed staring at the candle...it appeared almost untouched as if it never was lit to begin with.

Shit. Wondered if Leo noticed?

Shaking his head at this Raph sat up stretching his body as far as it could go. Ever since that night Raphael had never really felt himself. His very own body was foreign to him – Master Splinter had said over time he would learn. But for now he was just going to have to live with this.

Yellow eyes flashed to the clock, it was ten in the morning. Not the normal time Raph would usually wake up at.

A knock on his door caused Raph to almost jump, "come in." He grumbled trying to still wake up, and get his mind to stop thinking about everything. Why couldn't things just be simple again?

"My son," Master Splinter said closing the door behind him.

Raphael's eyes widen as he made an attempt to appear more decent for his father by quickly grabbing his bandanna and putting it on, "yes master?"

"Leonardo came to me this morning. He is concern," Master Splinter said to him softly, "he explains to me that you feel to him as if your fading, drifting away from us. And he demanded to know what is going on."

Raph looked at his feet, wiggling his toes, feeling the ground underneath them. "Do you think it is time for them to know yet?" Raph muttered.

"Only if you feel ready Raphael, but the longer you wait the more concern your brothers will be, you cannot continue doing this on your own. As each day pass your spirit grows weaker Raphael," Master Splinter walked up to his son, placing a hand on his head. "You have always been the protector of your family Raphael, but there is a time when a warrior needs to realize that they cannot always fight alone."

"But…"

"Your brothers may not like the truth, as you have hated me the very day I told you."

"I never hated you Master," Raphael muttered, "it is just something a young boy should not have been placed with."

"Yes," Splinter replied sadly looking down at the ground, "this has been a long and lonely battle for you Raphael, but one day your brothers will begin to understand."

There was silence, "I don't want them to be unprepared as I was. I think it is time they learn."

With a nod Master Splinter walked towards the door, "then I will gather them my son."

As the door closed behind his father, Raphael laid back down on his bed. He stared at the candle, which was now burning the flame dancing but the candle wick not burning at all. Closing his eyes Raph wondered how he was going to tell his brothers. How he was going to explain to them about the truth…

How each of them, are much more then what they seem.