Chapter 4: Emergency Thrills
Levi, Mike, and Hange form a band to compete in a contest, and they practice amid the commotion.
"Seriously, what's the point of these evacuation drills?"
This is the second time they have been asked to evacuate from the fourth floor and head out to the gates within fifteen minutes—the first run-through being a failure, exceeding the recommended evacuation record by two minutes. It's a waste of time, if Levi were to be honest. He hates it whenever classes are interrupted for no good reason.
"Maybe they're bored and have nothing better to do with their lives?" Hange suggests.
And it's not like they'll ever be 100% prepared when the real thing happens. No matter how many times they rehearse the situation, people's fight-or-flight instinct takes over and then chaos ensues.
Somebody is shouting 'duck, cover, and hold' repeatedly through a megaphone but nobody in the crowd is actually following the instructions. Only the stupid ones attempt to do so, and even the stupid ones look stupid-er using their laptops as a shield from the scorching sun.
"How many times do I have to tell you to leave your belongings, goddamn it!" Keith Shadis, the former Survey Scouts moderator and also a tenured professor, is now shouting from the top of his lungs. "In a real emergency, you won't have time to pack your bags and go." They should just let him retire for the sake of peace.
There's a security guard whistling, scooching them over to the side in a single file. The students are now just texting and chatting. Someone is binge-watching a sitcom on their phone. Later on, two medics carry a mannequin on a stretcher. Another one calls out to the student population: "We need a volunteer to receive a first-aid simulation."
"Oh, pick me! Pick me!" Hange jumps up and down among the throng of people, her hand high up in the air. It's her chance to ask anatomical questions on real life-or-death situations.
They eventually select her and she gets the rare privilege of getting hauled in a wheelchair. "Wait here, I'm going to get the first-aid kit," the medic tells her before running to the ambulance. Hange is beyond ecstatic, craning her neck and giving Levi a thumbs up before dancing while she's sitting down, pretending to be injured. She doesn't even realize that there's a ramp right behind her and she's at the top of the inclined plane.
The wheelchair starts wheeling down without notice.
Hange yelps as the thing crashes into a nearby ditch—along with her in it. The entire student body watches by.
They are sent back to their classes once the evacuation drills are complete. Levi is in his Engineering class, sulking away for the rest of the period. The professor is discussing how to write the abstract and cite sources for the review of related literature, but he's not even listening. It's his fourth attempt in trying to submit thesis proposals for his capstone project. But he keeps on being rejected for some reason.
When he submits his ideas once again, his adviser frowns the moment he reads what's on the paper. "Why do your thesis titles sound like a novel?"
"Aren't they supposed to?" Levi asks, his face in genuine curiosity.
"'Nuclear Power and the Deadly Thunderspear?'" his thesis professor reads one on the list. "That sounds like Harry Potter who ended up in the wrong universe."
Silently, Levi reads his other proposals one by one:
Attack on AI: Developing Human-Recognition Software for Propelled Supersonic Flight
Disinfecting 101: One Hundred Ways of Cleaning Water Pollutants through Spectral Sensors
Bringing a Knife to a Gunfight: An Assessment of Damage and Efficiency between Supersteel Blades and Anti-Personnel Guns
Wings of Freedom: The Utilization of 3D Printing and Optic Cables for Vertical Maneuvering Gear
Hange helped him in coming up with these. She believes thesis titles should be creative and witty in order to attract more readers. Boring ones are just plain horrible and a threat to humanity. Most hardbound thesis projects end up dusting away in libraries, anyway, if not chucked into the garbage dump after ten years or so. That, or they end up being lit up in funeral pyres. Now that Levi thinks about it, the two of them seem like they're sharing one brain cell.
"They seem okay to me."
"I know you can do better, Levi," his thesis adviser encourages him after giving him constructive feedback on each topic. "Think harder. You just have to use your brain for it."
Once the class is over, he rips the paper into pieces, crumples the strips, and steps repeatedly on them before tossing them into the trash can and murmuring 'stupid fucking thesis.' His classmates blink once, twice, before leaving him on his own. It's going to be another one of those days.
Eren tries to bother him in the library while he's studying for his upcoming Stats exam, saying he wishes to be more like Levi: cool, calm, and composed. Not to mention, full of angst. The boy is a mouthful. He goes on a monologue on how his parents have high aspirations for him—how his father wants him to become a doctor, and how his mother tells him he could be a model. Levi tries to concentrate on rewriting his notes from the lectures, but Eren starts whining more about wanting to be more independent without Mikasa and Armin having to save his ass all the time and how he wants to be more active in the Special Operations Squad of the Survey Scouts so he can prove himself useful to others. He starts whining again.
Finally, Levi cannot take it anymore, so he slams his notebook close and whacks Eren with it. The sound echoes throughout the entire floor of the library, followed by Mikasa's angry remarks. The girl has been hiding behind a bookshelf this whole time.
Despite her warning, the boy becomes even more determined to be like Levi.
When he comes home to their apartment, the first thing he sees is the trash piling up on the floor. Hange is lounging by the common room, looking so laid back with both her feet dangling from one arm of the couch. The TV is on and there's a notebook propped by her lap, her knees bent just to keep it from shutting close. She's snacking on some popcorn in her hand and does not even look up when Levi briefly crosses the room and hurls the empty bucket right at her face.
"Ow! What the hell—?"
"Tch, you look so relaxed studying for our Stats exam. I'm giving you a break." He walks over to the pantry looking for food. The shelves and cabinets are mostly empty, and the fridge is just a bunch of leftovers from takeout boxes. They will have to do some grocery shopping soon.
Hange re-adjusts the lens of her glasses. "Hey, it's not my problem you can't cut off some slack when reviewing."
"Unlike you, Four-Eyes, I work hard all the time."
They both happen to be enrolled in the same Statistics class—with Levi being required to take it and Hange joining it just for fun to fill up her units. The pros of that is he gets to copy her problem sets and even ask her for tips when he's stuck in class recitation; the con is Hange never shuts up about being smarter than him.
"Think you can beat me in the exam?"
"Don't be silly." He takes out a skillet to make himself some leftover fried rice. "Your heart is not even in it. You've only attended three classes so far."
She counts with her fingers, looking up in the ceiling. "I've had 10 and a half cuts."
"You overcut. The limit was 9."
"Our prof gave me unlimited cuts because I aced his other class. Besides, I self-study." Hange realizes her excuse is lousy so she negotiates. "So how about… loser pays for a meal?"
"No."
Hange starts making puppy dog faces. "Come on, Levi." She can smell the salt and garlic in the air. "You know I only want to bring out the best in you."
"You gotta be shitting me." He starts tossing the rice in the air with the pan. "In fact, thanks to you, I have to re-do all my thesis proposals."
"What's wrong with the ones I came up with?" Hange waits for an answer that will never arrive. She starts again, "Okay, how about this: the winner gets both a free meal and a one-time, big-time help on any favor?"
He lets the pan sizzle while deep in thought. It's an offer too tempting to pass, so he finally considers. "Bring it on."
"So, can I have some of what you're having, too?"
Time seems to move the slowest when there's an exam. Levi has silently cursed himself for the nth time while shading the circles on his paper. He's skipped about eight items so far, and he's about to skip some more. There's a good chance that he's going to lose his bet with Hange at this point. Either he has to shotgun his answers randomly or laser it by shading the same letters consecutively.
Suddenly, the fire alarm goes off. They look at each other and then at their professor, waiting for a sign to move out. "Nah, that's just another stupid drill," the professor shrugs his shoulders. They resume their exams.
A minute or so passes by and the alarm does not stop ringing. It's already tingling in their ears. Levi can barely focus on answering. The same goes for the rest of the class as they start to hear footsteps shuffling along the corridors. More students come down from the top floors, completely frightened for real. If they look through the window, they can see black smoke coming from the building right across theirs. The blaring sirens of a fire truck are getting louder and louder.
"Well, shit." This time, their professor is now livid. "Alright, class, pass your papers."
Nobody budges at first, their pens hovering above their answer sheets. "Seriously?" None of them has finished the exam.
As if on cue, someone outside cries like a maniac: "Oh my god, we're gonna die! We are so gonna die!"
That answers their question. The class explodes in panic.
Shouting hysterically, they begin shuffling their papers together before one of them hands the entire bundle in disarray to their professor after failing to calm them down. Clutching their backpacks, they scurry out of the building, everyone whimpering and wailing, except Levi.
Once they get evacuated in the open grounds of the campus, hushed voices start whispering from every corner, wondering about what happened. "They say someone burned down a building on purpose," or, "That's ridiculous. Probably something exploded in the Chem lab." Another: "Did someone forget their lunch in the microwave?"
There's also the possibility that the answer key has been leaked by now. Some of Levi's classmates are huddled together, and if he listens closely, he is absolutely certain that they are discussing the questions from the exam.
He eventually spots Hange with Erwin, Mike, and Nanaba in the crowd. Their height makes them easier to be found, unlike him. He tries to make it to the group, pushing students along the way. When he finally settles beside them, Erwin asks, "Say, who do you think did it?"
Mike answers, maybe a terrorist, while Nanaba thinks it's an arsonist who has a grudge on the school. Levi doesn't believe it's that serious. "Beats me. Probably just a prank." It's possible. Back in high school, he, together with Farlan and Isabel, would play with the fire alarm just to scare people out of their wits. "What do you think, Hange? Oi, Hange."
Said person is rummaging through her bag, her eyes glassy behind the lens. "Oh no, I think I submitted my scratch paper in a hurry." Almost ready to cry, she holds up a piece of paper with circles shaded on the surface.
It's her answer sheet.
They eat lunch at the pizza parlor right across campus, just in case the admin announces that they will resume classes in the afternoon. Thankfully, classes are cancelled. However, their Statistics professor announces through e-mail that he will administer a new exam by their next session, rendering their current test papers useless ("Consider it a review or a mock test, though!" he wrote). They don't tell each other, but Hange and Levi feel relieved deep inside. All that panicking for nothing now gone.
Erwin is disappointed, on the other hand. "I was having a graded recitation for my class. Seems like we have to do it all over."
Turns out, the fire scare was nothing too serious. A student named Floch accidentally triggered the smoke alarm when he heated his lunch along with a metal spoon inside the container far too long in the cafeteria microwave. He blames his Mommy for not telling him that there was a spoon in his Tupperware.
Most of the students have left the premises right after lunch. The afternoon is free for those who want to work on their projects, study for exams, or just meet up for their clubs. They take this time to laze around on campus.
"Looks like the annual Battle of the Bands posters are up," Hange notices. Promoted by the Musicians' Pool, the event is used to incite camaraderie among university students through music. Students can form groups of three to perform for the culminating event. The grand prize is a good amount of cash. It's enough to convince anyone with talent to join.
"So, uh, Levi…" Mike starts when they corner him in the school cafeteria, "Ever thought about joining a band?"
Levi already knows where this is going. The idea has actually crossed his mind before. He has a decent voice which he discovered by singing in the shower when he was younger, but never really gave much thought to it. Kenny would just shut him up before he could even finish a song. His friends eventually found out about his secret talent when he got drunk during a karaoke session and managed to hit all the high notes of Bohemian Rhapsody.
"What about Nanaba?"
"Her singing will cause an apocalypse," Mike says, causing his girlfriend to roll her eyes.
Levi lets the silence linger for a moment so he can eat his fruit yogurt in peace. It's tempting, but there are still doubts lingering in his mind. He can't imagine what the reaction of people will be like when they find out that a grumpy midget such as him can actually belt out a song. After scooping a huge dollop, he continues, "So, what's the name of the band?"
Hange responds, "Uhm, we've got no name so far."
His spoon clatters loudly on the table. "Haa? You want to join this stupid contest but you don't have a name?"
Hange and Mike look at each other, wondering who has to break the ice for Levi. One of them finally relents. "Levi, the band is called No Name," Mike explains to him.
He can't believe what he's hearing. "Say that one more time."
There's a lot of things that surprise Levi. The first is that two of his friends apparently are musically-inclined enough to participate in this contest. Second is that they have the audacity to invite him to sing. Third, they actually came up with the shittiest band name he has ever heard.
"What?" Hange grins at his gaping mouth. "Admit it, it's cool. It has the right amount of angst that we need. Not that you're bringing 90% of it with you."
"Also, Erwin already approved." Mike confesses. "He's going to be our manager."
"What the fuck, Erwin?" Levi leans to the side so he can see Erwin hiding behind Mike. "You signed us up?"
"Thought you guys could use some publicity."
The idea becomes more and more ridiculous to his ears the more Hange explains their vision for the band. Face bandages and formal suits, for one, seem totally absurd and stupid. ("It goes with our vibe check! And the aura," Hange insists.)
They practice a few songs by renting a nearby music studio with their measly allowance. It's a good thing that Erwin was able to hook them up with the owner by giving them a student discount. At first, their playing is terrible; Hange is strumming too fast like a maniac and Mike can barely keep up with the rhythm. Levi has to bark orders at his bandmates just so they can get their shit together. But eventually, the more they rehearse their songs each day, the less their music sounds like a wretched mess.
"I heard you guys are working hard," Petra bumps into the three of them one morning. "Go beat The Titans, will you? They're that obnoxious band from Marley, that school across town."
Hange wrinkles her nose. "The one that requires uniforms? Ew."
The Titans apparently have a reputation for singing shitty pop covers in an attempt to sound cool. And yet, people still like them because they think all the band members are hot.
"One time their lead vocalist threw a baseball at someone and it hit him square on the face," Eren tells their group while they are walking along the corridor. "That student felt awesome."
"Were you the student?" Armin asks him.
"Yup, and that wicked pitcher is my big bro." Eren is smug and proud. "His name is Zeke. Speaking of which, that's him right there."
Their eyes wander across the lawn where a Chevrolet is waiting. A well-built blond guy in glasses gets out of the car. Even though he has the aura of a rockstar, he doesn't resemble Eren one bit.
"What's up, bro?" Zeke is leaning against his car, his hands in his pockets. Once he gives Eren a high-five, his eyes dart towards Hange's guitar case and the pair of drumsticks in Mike's hands. "You guys play?"
Mike nods. "Been practicing for tomorrow."
"Ah, the big day? That's very assiduous of you." He strokes his beard. "Too bad my band's taking home the prize."
"Don't put your money where your mouth is." Levi's voice is low, ready to jump on his throat. "You might end up eating your words."
"Sweet. Well, gotta take my bro out for some bonding time tonight. See you at the show, then." He climbs inside his car with Eren riding shotgun. "And try not too hard to embarrass yourselves," he winks at them before heading off.
They watch the car speed away. Levi squeezes his empty plastic bottle so hard the cap pops out.
The Stohess Point is a local bar outside campus, its logo a flashy neon sign written in script. They arrive two hours early to figure out their stage placement and to get a feel of performing live on the spot. Levi cannot be within a one-mile radius of anything that smells like smoke and piss, but he's forced to be here. It's not his cup of tea, but it means business. The least he can do is put up with it.
The Battle of the Band kicks off at exactly 7 pm. There are about ten groups participating, based on what the student-jurors have told them. It starts getting crowded within the first fifteen minutes or so. A lot of people start vaping inside the bar and Mike has to try his best not to inhale it all. Levi is surprised that the smoke detector hasn't gone off this whole time.
He also learns that Zeke Yeager is apparently Eren's stepbrother, which explains why they look nothing like each other. Even though he can tolerate Eren, Levi already doesn't like this Zeke guy.
"Hey, break a leg, maybe literally," Zeke scoffs at them as he downs a pre-game drink. "We'll send you our band posters once The Titans sign a label."
Mike and Hange ignore him, but Levi still looks like he's chronically constipated. He tells them it's the nerves and pre-show jitters. "I'm going to slice that bearded monkey into pieces if he gets near me again." He grits his teeth, his back hunched as he sits on a stool too big for him.
"Nice bandages, by the way," Porco Galliard, drummer of The Titans, taps his shoulder. This is the perfect time to have an emergency drill so Levi can punch the lights out of the cocky musicians. However, it still doesn't happen.
"Sorry about that," Pieck Finger, the keyboardist, tells them, as if sensing their bubbling anger. At least, someone is genuinely apologetic. "Please don't mind my bandmates. I'm sure you'll do great."
Most of the student bands aren't that bad at all. But they lack audience impact and coherence within themselves, except for one vocalist who threw himself into the crowd but nobody caught him. Some people just rock and suck at the same time.
When The Titans are up next, there is a hush among the crowd. He can see that Rainier, Bertholdt, and Annie are cheering them on even though they're from rival schools. Their keyboardist starts the melody and Zeke hums the tune of a famous song at the beginning. He then strikes his guitar and everyone starts jamming to the lyrics, following the beat of the drums. Somebody faints after shouting, "I love you, Zeke!" and has to be rushed to the infirmary. Other than that, they end their gig simply, raising their hands up in the air as the audience claps for them. The applause fades as they head down the platform, and the next band is called.
Downstage, the three members of No Name gather in a circle as they put their arms around each other. Mike nods to them, "You guys ready? Let's put on a good show."
"I am so pumped!" Hange squeals in her suit.
Levi merely nods. He takes a deep breath as he steps into the dimly-lit platform.
It's hard to believe that people want to see them actually perform. After shouting their band name, Hange starts with the instrumental riff of Soul Kitchen by The Doors, followed by Mike's drumming pattern. Levi waits for his cue to start as he sings, his voice low and almost sexy: "Turn me out and I'll wander baby / Stumblin' in the neon groves…"
The three of them can barely see anything with all the bandages plastered around their faces, but they can hear all the cheers from the crowd, mainly the Survey Scouts whom Erwin had convinced to attend. The song fades towards the end as Mike starts working on a headbanger on the drums and Hange rocking the intro of Disturbed's Down with the Sickness. Levi growls "Can you feel that?" into the microphone for the chorus and sings the lyrics as if it were his life story.
A high-pitch scream escapes from the females in the audience as if their ovaries have exploded.
He's stunned for a bit. Nevertheless, he keeps on singing. At this point, their newest fans open a mosh pit for them front and center. It immediately fills up, with the audience beginning to bump and push against each other. but the show goes on. The people start joining them on the final chorus, making it seem like salvation is near.
Before they can finish their song, someone yelps in the dark after getting elbowed—"Motherfucking posers!" There's a deafening roar from the crowd. The next thing they know they hear the sound of a beer bottle getting smashed on someone's head. A chair is thrown at them, and it smashes the amplifier onstage. The cracking of knuckles followed by some punching and yelling tells them that something's wrong.
A bar fight has ensued.
They rip off the bandages from their faces to see what's happening. The moment they descend the stage, someone almost knocks Levi down if not for him swiftly kicking the person to the floor. Mike eventually gets caught up in the commotion, elbowing anyone who stands in his way. Levi starts pushing into the throng of people in a panic. Ducking low, Hange tells him, "I don't know what's worse, a riot or a fire breaking out."
That gives him an idea. Quickly, he runs to the spot where he saw it before the performance. Running his hands along the surface, Levi finally spots a small red box mounted on the wall, the letters white and bold: Pull In Case Of Fire. Without hesitating, he yanks down the lever of the manual fire alarm and makes a run for it. The blaring sound begins as the water sprinklers start pouring, and the bargoers start screaming like they have never been born before. He grabs his bandmates as they head for the exit and snarls, "We are so not doing this anymore." People have begun to dart out of the bar as well.
Catching their breaths, Hange and Mike nod back at him. "I agree," says Mike, "My tolerance for embarrassment has reached another threshold." They have finally come to terms that No Name has officially disbanded.
END OF CHAPTER
Author's Note: /eats an entire tub of ice cream/ Hange is love. Also, the emergency drill during an exam was a true-to-life story; we were in the middle of solving a difficult math problem when the alarms started blaring but we just kept answering until somebody had to tell us to evacuate (priorities, please). Needless to say, my college days did inspire most of the parts in this fic.
I'm planning to add some drama in the next few chapters, but this is more on an angst-free spectrum of fanfiction (I can't do a full-blown comedy to save my life), so stay tuned?