Chapter 5: Babysitting Fun

Levi and Hange are forced to babysit for a day on the eve of her birthday.

The exam results are finally returned to them after two weeks of agony in waiting. A lot apparently have failed the exam, based on the way their professor is giving back some papers folded in half. There's more wailing and distress compared to the time when they thought the school was burning down.

"You ready?" Hange singles him out after class. "One… two… three. Ta-daaaa!" She proudly displays her exam score of 93/100 in front of him. Levi can see it clear as the day. "And I thought it was suspicious when I was shading 10 C's in a row! Ooh, I can't wait for you to buy me that sweet bread at the café!"

"Remember our deal, Four-Eyes," he tells her. She's still yapping when he unceremoniously takes out his answer sheet for her to see.

"Bet you can't beat my—huh? No way!" Hange grabs his paper and holds it way too close to her face, as if it would change the ink encircled on top of the sheet: 95/100. She can feel a sweatdrop on her forehead. "Can I just buy you food in installments?"

"What?" He scowls at her pouting face. "You're not getting your way this time."

"Levi... it's almost my birthday," she smiles in the most sweet-as-sugar-candy manner.

He pretends not to care and demands for her part of the bargain. But the bottom line is, she can make up any excuse and Levi will still be good with it. Of course, he'll take that secret to his grave.

She ends up buying him a pack of gummy bears.

Autumn is in full swing with the trees turning all red and orange in the park. It's getting colder, which explains the abundance of layers in their daily attire. "I hate the cold, it affects my laundry," Hange says, "I have to wash more clothes than usual."

Levi gives her a look of disbelief. "You mean, I have to wash your clothes." And make them fit inside the goddamn washing machine.

They're out walking after a long Friday when they bump into Pieck once again, this time in a mall. "Hey, what's up? Levi and Hange, right?"

"And who are those?" Levi pointed to the two runts behind her.

"This is Gabi," she nudges the small brunette, "And this is Falco," she points to the young straw-haired boy who manages a small wave. Pieck explains that the girl is Rainier's cousin while Falco is Gabi's best friend and that they're usually with her on certain days. "It's my sideline for extra income."

"Child trafficking?" Levi snorts. "Looks fun."

Pieck rolls her eyes and then puts on a straight face. "Speaking of fun... their parents are away for the weekend. Rainier's got exams—I would have left them with him—and The Titans have band rehearsals and I just don't want the kids to interrupt...so...I have a favor, even though we're not that close. Bet you could use some money."

"What, you want us to babysit?" It was meant to be a joke.

Unfortunately, the joke backfires on him. His eyebrows twitch as Pieck nods in all seriousness, followed by Hange clapping her hands in excitement.

Taking care of two precocious 10-year-olds is a nightmare. It's worse than nursing a hangover or telling a bunch of freshmen misfits to shut the hell up. Thanks to Hange who told Pieck the keyboardist—and occasional babysitter—that he likes kids deep, deep down, Levi has once again been forced to do something he does not want.

Pieck drops the two kids off in their apartment first thing in the morning. She promises to pick them up once they're through with band rehearsals ("Wouldn't have asked you if I weren't this desperate!"). Before leaving, she recites a list of what-to-do's and what-not-to-do's. "And remember," she calls out from her car, "Don't ever give them anything they can use as a weapon. Gabi has a thing for guns and Falco broke his fingernail once with a nutcracker."

"Got it. No guns, no nutcrackers." He can do this.

Once he's alone with the kids, there is an awkward silence in the air. The TV is on but nobody's really watching. He wishes Hange were here but his mad scientist friend had left so early in the morning for him to shoulder the responsibility of babysitting.

"I'm hungry." Gabi announces from the couch. Falco's stomach also lets out a small growl.

Levi stands up and walks to the pantry, taking out the snack jar filled with pistachios, macadamias, and cashews.

"I'm allergic to tree nuts." Gabi crosses her arms.

"Do almonds count?" He's holding a small pack of almond chocolate.

She nods, arms still folded. Levi throws it back into the shelf.

He opens the fridge and scans through the different jams and jelly spreads, the bread knife already in his murderous backhand grip. He shoves a jar into Gabi's hands. She shakes her head. "Nuh-uh."

"There are no fucking tree nuts in it. It's a goddamn spread."

"Coconut jam is made from coconut, which is considered both a fruit and a nut." She pushes the jar back into the table for him to see the nutrition facts. "Can't you read?"

Falco adds, "I heard coco jam also makes you fat."

He cannot believe that he's being bossed around by kids. Pre-teens, or brats, to be exact. Exasperated, Levi grabs a bag of bagels and tosses it to the girl.

Gabi just stares at him like an owl.

"What?" He finally snaps.

"Mom says we can't eat these. Bagels aren't exactly gluten-free."

For lunch, they're eating ice cream with gummy bears in a cup. Levi is drinking tea to calm himself down. He's had enough and the day is only halfway done. The two little bitches wouldn't stop crying when he refused to open the gummy bears that Hange had given to him.

His head quickly turns when Gabi throws her empty cup into the floor.

"Oi, pick that up," he growls. "Trash can's under the sink."

Grunting, the child follows his order.

"I'm bored," Falco whines, slumping against the couch. "Can we do something?"

He tosses the remote control to the kid. "There's TV and WiFi. What more could you want?"

Falco hesitates. "Video games."

Levi mutters 'ungrateful brat' under his breath when Hange enters, a rectangular box in her hands. "Surprise! I borrowed a board game from a friend."

"Where have you been?"

"I just told you, I borrowed a board game from a friend." Hange heads to the dining room to lay out the pieces. Gabi and Falco follow her like ducklings. Apparently, she Googled 'fun things to do with children' and took off with the first item she saw.

Levi sighs, "I suppose reading children's books is not on the list." He can manage storytelling. It's just reciting lines until the little bitches fall asleep.

"It is, but I doubt that's their idea of fun."

Truth be told, the only thing worse than feeding children ice cream for lunch is playing Monopoly together in the common room.

"Oi, stop taking my money." Levi catches Gabi who keeps on swiping a few bank notes whenever she thinks he's not looking.

She's one move away from going bankrupt. "But I'm going to end up in debt!"

"Sorry to burst your bubble." He tugs the paper bills from her hand. "But newsflash, that's fucking reality."

"Levi, calm down," Hange urges him. "They're just kids."

He cusses, his suit of cards already bending in half from his deadly clutch. "How can I fucking 'calm down' when they're playing for greed?"

"But that's part of the strategy and they're enjoying themselves," Hange points out. "See, they're even learning corruption!"

They watch Gabi's shake her hands before letting the dice fall. "I'm buying all your property!" she shouts to Falco who already owns half the board once she drops them. Grabbing a chunk of the small little houses, she moves her token to Atlantic Avenue.

Falco starts kicking Gabi's legs under the table. "That's not how it goes! Give it back!"

"Nope!"

"I said, give it back!"

"Hold up, let's read the instruction manual again…" Hange tries to intervene, flipping through the pages of the booklet. She has just rolled doubles three times in succession.

Levi's already struggling to keep the two children in their seats who are ready to start a rumbling with each other. "Oi, hurry up, Four-Eyes—" Before their friendship is destroyed.

"Hah! Jail time!" Hange raises her hands. There's more wailing and crying from the kids, including a verbal sparring between "Your loss!" and "Shut up!" with Gabi pointing finger guns at Falco like a Wild West cowboy and Falco attempting to chomp her fingers off.

In a swift movement, Gabi takes out a cellphone from her pocket. "I'm dialing 911! You stole my money!"

"I did not!" Falco shouts back. "If you do that, I'll tell them you threatened to shoot us up!"

Levi's hand automatically grabs the phone and hurls it to the couch in the living room. "Nobody's going to call 911."

"Grouchy old man!"

It goes like that for another minute or so (the shouts now including "gun-lover" and "nutcracker") until Levi finally flips the entire Monopoly board in one go, miniature houses falling and fake money flying in the air.

"Alright, that's it." He clenches his fists. "We're going out."

Had it not been for the two children running around, the walk to the park would have been a moment of relaxation. Hange notices the freshmen hanging out by the playground and calls out to them. Eren, Mikasa, and Armin are playing in the heaps of dried leaves, pushing each other, and scattering more leaves around. Connie's taking photos and sending them to his parents. Ymir and Historia are holding hands and admiring the fall, watching the squirrels chase each other. It's a moment of serendipity.

On the other hand, the four of them look like a dysfunctional family in a sitcom.

The freshmen notice the children first and invite them to play.

"By all means," Levi tells them, "You don't even have to give them back." He and Hange are in need of a dire break at this point so they let them scoot. The underclassmen eventually commence an invisible laser tag with the kids. There's a lot of running and jumping around until Gabi shoots Sasha with both fingers. After she pretends to drop dead in Connie's arms, Eren bursts into fits of laughter. Gabi throws a twig at Eren which hits him right on the head. Meanwhile, Jean is headlocking Falco who's trying to wrestle himself free. When Jean's not looking, Falco forcibly sinks his incisors into the older boy's hand.

"Shit! Chew your own hand, asshole!" He curses, nursing the skin where Falco left teeth impressions. The kid's got one hell of a bite.

"Jean," Historia warns, her voice stern. She's ultra protective of children in general, wanting to become a preschool teacher with her degree—nobody tells her it's a terrible dream. Jean is about to retort when she points to the little bitches.

They look down to see the two kids squatting on the ground, clutching their stomachs in pain. Levi rushes to them, concerned. "Oi, what's the problem?"

Falco's eyes are already watery as Gabi mumbles, "Gotta poop."

It's the gummy bears that did the trick. "Have you seen the online reviews of this disgusting product?" Levi asks Hange as they head home, the kids hopping along to hold in the impending disaster. "They're terrible."

"I think they're hilarious," she admits. "At least now we know the reviews are true."

When the door swings wide, they see their two other roommates making out on the couch. Mike's shirt is already on the floor, his hand groping Nanaba's chest. There's a lot of tongue involved, as Nanaba tugs Mike's hair to pull him closer to her. And then she stops, eyes wide open.

They all freeze like deer caught in the headlights.

At the same time, Falco puts a hand over his eyes, while Gabi pretends to retch—"Yuck."

"Oi, get a room," Levi grumbles at the couple, his tone annoyed.

"Why do you have kids?" Mike straightens himself up as he puts on his shirt. "What are we, a daycare?"

"They need to use the toilet," Hange says as Falco beats Gabi to the bathroom. He manages to blow a raspberry before the girl starts banging her hands against the door, shouting. They hear a loud fart erupt from inside.

After almost an hour of derisive cleaning in the bathroom and replacing the empty toilet paper rolls, they let the kids nap in their apartment. Nanaba and Mike volunteer to stay behind until the children get picked up. Their two roommates then head to Trost Tavern to reserve a spot for Hange's birthday party. It's only a few blocks away from their place so they can check if anything goes wrong.

Hange asks if they could stop by the convenience store so she can buy some personal toiletries. "Finally, some peace and quiet," she says while rummaging through the shelves. She removes her hair tie and puts up her ponytail once again. It's still messy.

"Wouldn't really say that yet. You're still here."

"But I am that sunshine that you will always need," she lightly punches his arm. He doesn't respond to that and pretends he's deeply interested in the bug repellent aisle.

After paying the cashier, Hange almost drops the paper bag once they exit the store. "Shit."

Levi follows the direction of her sight: Falco is crouching behind the huge lottery signicade board that says, 'Today Might Be Your Lucky Day.'

"What the fuck are you doing here?" Levi asks the kid.

"Playing hide-and-seek."

He looks around and sees Gabi jumping up and down on the public bench by the bus stop.

As if she could sense her friend's impending headache, Nanaba comes running in sight. "Levi, we've got a problem," she calls out to him. "The kids got away while I was counting to ten and—" She stops once she sees the two hiding behind Hange. "Oh, they're here."

"Yes, they are." Levi gnashes his teeth.

Left with no other choice, they end up bringing them to the bar. At first, they tried to convince the children to head back ("Let's play hide-and-seek once more, but this time, with locked doors!"), however, Gabi kept on clawing at them and Falco wouldn't stop biting anyone who attempted to touch him.

The bouncer twitches his eyebrow when they appear by the entrance. "Are you kidding me? They're minors."

"So? You let underage freshmen in." Levi points to Armin, Eren, and Mikasa already inside.

He hesitates for a moment. "That's different. They have fake IDs with them."

"I'll vouch for these kids, Niccolo. They're the sweetest little devils in the world," Hange smiles, grabbing Gabi and Falco by the neck, while Levi holds out some cash for their cover fee. "Also, it's my birthday in a few hours. You can make this your present for me."

"Whatever. Good thing the manager's out for today," Niccolo tells them, accepting the generous tip. Maybe the bar can be kid-friendly just for one night. "No drinks, alright?" He doesn't wait for their response. His eyes are already glued to Sasha who just came in.

The Trost Tavern is like any local bar but instead of yuppies you've got college kids trying to act mature so badly that anyone would rather choose to swallow himself whole. They're wannabe elites brooding over the food, atmosphere, people, and even their own existence. The bar exists in its own glory; they don't. They'll be starving and depressed in the near future. It's the go-big-or-go-home mindset: if you don't fit, then you don't sit.

Hange helps the children up the bar stools. The bartender looks them in the eye with a judging expression; Levi gives him a middle finger, reminding the guy to mind his own damn business. The kids' attention wanders around the place, staring at the blinking spotlights and listening to the conversation of the other adults. Nanaba tells them they're in an arcade.

It's all good for half an hour or so until they all freeze once again when Gabi recognizes her cousin barging in, extremely furious. "Uh-oh." The kids cower underneath the table.

Rainier glares at the adults. "What the hell? You brought kids inside a bar?"

"We got them milkshakes and hotdogs."

He begins a long lecture of how babysitting should be done and if Gabi didn't text him where they were, he would have already called 911 for kidnapping. Finally, after calming down for a bit, Rainier volunteers to bring the two kids home. "I'm going to kick Pieck's ass once she gets back," he mutters.

"I'd like to see you try."

They look behind them and see Pieck with Porco and Zeke. Apparently, The Titans have arranged to play a secret gig for the bar tonight. It seems that rock bands are subject to people's tastes and tastes vary depending on the type of people. For example, shitty people like good music. Like Childish Gambino. Or Kanye. Or Drake. Or any musician high on drugs. And of course, nice people like shitty music. One can tell how horrible they are from afar just by watching how they listen to their music in a bar. Fat wallets, bad ventilation, and a half-hour wasted looking for space in a tightly-filled spot. It sets apart people who listen from those who don't.

When the band is already onstage, Gabi and Falco dance to the rhythm of the music. Eventually they climb up the platform and join the performance as they badly sing the wrong lyrics to Backstreets Boys' Tell Me Why: "Tummy why? / Ain't nothin' but a fart, hey / Tummy why? / Ain't nothin' but a milk steak…" There is laughter in the audience as they applaud the kids for their light evening entertainment. Once they're done, the two children race back to Rainier who carries them both under his arms each. He finally announces that they're going home and this time, for real. Hange says goodbye to Gabi and Falco who are already yawning, their energy finally depleted. They have a lot to tell their other friends about the day's events.

"Hey, thanks for babysitting, by the way. I know they can be too much." Pieck comes to their table after the final song. "Must be a learning experience, huh?"

"Just… don't ever leave them with us, ever again." Levi takes a swig from his beer.

The clock behind the counter shows that it's already 10 pm. They're finally free to enjoy the night. Hange springs up from behind him, a huge mug in her hand. "I think I've warranted enough today to earn myself this drink."

Levi lets her be. The kids are already gone so he thinks to himself, how bad can it get?

The crowd starts chanting her name repeatedly as she chugs down her nth drink. Pitbull's Give Me Everything is playing on the booming speakers. Indeed, Hange's ready to give everything tonight. Completely wasted, she starts dancing on top of the counter, swaying her hips and putting her hands up in the air. Levi can barely see her, only glimpses of her profile as the strobe lights start flashing in the dark. Nanaba and Mike are swaying to the music from their seats, and even Erwin is there, bopping his head to the rhythm as he downs a shot of vodka. "You better go get her, Levi," Erwin chuckles, his shot glass already empty but still wanting more. "Hange's not going to remember any of this tonight."

Without further delay, he walks up to the counter where their friend is dancing on top. Hange immediately sees him. "Rib-eye, curm urp herm—"

Her foot slips off the edge and Levi catches her the moment she loses her balance. "Alright, that's enough for you."

She tugs his hand and twirls herself around. "Relanx, wurn mur drenk," she pinches his cheek.

"No." He slings her arm around his neck, leaving her empty mug by the counter, and drags her away. After dealing with two children all day, he now has to take care of her tonight.

The crowd inside the bar has doubled in attendance, and the air has become too suffocating for him. He pushes among the people until he finally sees the exit.

They're already out of the bar when Hange finally remembers the language of the masses. "What... did I miss?" She's still swaying on every walk. The air is cold and shivering, and Levi is thankful that Nanaba reminded them to take their coats before leaving.

"Not much," Levi explains, "Eren kept telling people that he will form a band next year with Mikasa and Armin. He said their band will be called The Attackers. That, and the Marley kids are kinda cool. But I still hate that bearded monkey."

She stumbles once again. "Awesome."

He takes her arm and motions her to go behind him as he bends his knees for her to hop on. "Come on."

"You look like you're about to judo throw me." Nevertheless, she gets the hint and wraps her arms around his neck, careful enough not to constrict his breathing.

After securing her legs by his waist, he tries to shift her position for the piggyback ride so he can distribute her weight on his body. The times he has spent working out have finally come into fruition. "Well, you're not exactly light—" He grunts and then freezes as she tightens her hold around him.

"You really take babysitting to the next level," she chuckles weakly.

"Can't be helped."

"Levi, you really are the grumpiest... moodiest... most angst-filled person I've ever met." Hange's words are already slurring but still audible in Levi's ears. "But, you are strong... and kind... and sweet... and my best friend."

They rest on a public bench every now and then before resuming his physical calvary. Looking at the nighttime sky, he breathes into the air, "Happy birthday, Hange." He can feel his collar getting wet. Thinking she's crying, Levi looks over, only to hear a loud snore coming from the girl slumped on his shoulder. When he sees her drooling on his shirt, Levi judo throws her swiftly into the ground.

END OF CHAPTER

Author's Notes: Belated happy birthday to our favorite mad scientist, Hange Zoe! (I'm just pretending Chapter 132 never happened so I can keep writing more)