Chapter 8: Experiments Gone Haywire
Jealousy ensues between Levi and Hange's newest lab partner, Moblit. Sawney and Bean have gone missing, too.
Levi's probably thankful that Hange entered the wrong class on her first day in college. She was supposed to enroll in a free elective called The Basics of Ornithology but she ended up in a room where the professor was lecturing on Projectile Motions. The session was already halfway through when Hange raised her hand and asked, "Excuse me, is this Bird-Watching 101?"
The professor looked at her as if she had sprouted another head. "No, this is Projectile Motions."
"Oh," she shifted in her seat. "Right."
The three-hour class droned on and on. Hange was still confused as to how the registrar managed to mess the class slots so she whispered to the person who's sitting beside her, "Hey, are you sure this is not Bird-Watching 101?"
Her seatmate was Levi. He's wearing jeans and a plain tee—the appropriate lab attire—in contrast to her tracksuit.
"You heard the professor," he said, still staring straight at the board and not batting an eyelash on her. "This is Projectile Motions."
She was apologetic. "I just wanna make sure."
"Do you see any fucking birds around here?"
That shut her up for a moment. And then after a few minutes, she faced him again, smiling, her hand outstretched. "I'm Hange, by the way. Hange Zoe."
Levi only eyed her hand warily.
Moments later, the professor paired them up for an experiment on trajectories by launching steel balls the size of lemons through a spring-based projectile gun. Through the variation of the angles, they were supposed to mark the time it lands and the distance it covers.
Hange was so excited with the experiment that she had already forgotten that she wasn't supposed to be there in the first place. "You ready?" She called out to Levi who had no choice but to be her partner, her hand already poised to release the ball from the projectile gun.
"Give me a sec." He went to the other side, having forgotten to mark the position of the previous ball that they launched. "Oi, the last one was—"
Hange pulled the trigger. In a split-second, it released the steel ball which catapulted right across the room to where he was.
The next thing Levi knew was pain.
Kneeling on the lab floor, he groaned and clutched the fabric in between his pants. "Oh, fucking shit, fuck."
He just got hit right in the balls.
Snickers erupted from his other classmates, while a small group of females whimpered in worry.
Immediately, Hange went to him. "Are you alright?"
Wincing, he gathered himself to preserve any dignity left in him and his manhood. "Yeah, I'm okay."
He was not okay. In fact, he had never wanted to strangle someone in his entire life so badly.
"I'm so sorry, I didn't expect that to happen. One time I hit a guy on the head with a baseball and he just stopped breathing. It's so strange." She looked up as if pondering about the phenomenon on how balls can be deadly weapons of mass destruction. "Do you need me to take you to the infirmary?"
"Hell no."
"Well then, let me check!"
He slapped her hand away before she could even touch him. Thinking she'll be gone by the next session, he avoided her until the class ended, cursing himself for the series of unfortunate events.
When he saw her again the next session, Levi was flabbergasted, discombobulated, befuddled, dumbfounded, and ready to hang himself. Apparently, Hange decided to stay in that class for the rest of the semester and be his lab partner. As to why he ended up being friends with her, he still doesn't know.
The kettle is whistling nonstop in the kitchen. It goes on for about five minutes, water boiling over on the oven top and begging for attention, until finally Levi comes out of his bedroom to turn off the stove. He cusses. For the nth time, Hange has left the kettle unattended. Stomping towards her bedroom, Levi stops by the entrance when he sees her on the phone with someone.
She's laying down on the bed, her legs bent, messy brown hair splayed on her sheets. "You are amazing, Moblit! I know I can depend on you." She giggles on the receiver like there's no tomorrow. "Yeah, sure, I'll remember that next time… that would be great. See you at school."
There's a click at the end of the receiver, and more giggles from her. When she hangs up the call, Levi says "Oi," making her jump in fright.
"Jeez, why do you have to be so quiet and small all the time?" She straightens herself up. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing. Seems like you just discovered the concept of flirting." He leans against her door, hands in pockets.
Hange seems confused. "Huh? That was my lab partner. He just wanted to let me know that I left the Bunsen burner open once again."
As far as Levi knows, Hange has never had a lab partner except for him, but that was back in freshman year. That mad scientist likes interactions, maybe a little bit more often than others, being an extroverted ray of sunshine and an occasional human. But that's also precisely the reason why nobody wants to work with her in the lab; she experiments on anything and everything that pops into her mind, including people.
"I'm surprised someone volunteered. That person's probably wondering now whether you're a genius or just incredibly stupid."
"Well, on a good day, I'm both." She flashes a wide smile and then realizes she owes him the backstory. "Moblit shifted from Chemistry to Biology in his final year so he's been trying to keep up with the lab. He's struggling, so the professor thought pairing him up with me was for the best."
Levi clicks his tongue. "Worst decision your professor has ever made."
Hange makes a pouting face. "Hey, you've stuck with me for the past four years or so—I'm sure other people can endure being my lab partner for a sem. I even invited him to join the Survey Scouts. He'd be an honorary member. Think he'll stay?"
"I doubt it. Just be sure to venerate him as a saint."
"Ooh, great idea! I think I'll light up a candle for him," she says thoughtfully, her face completely missing the irony.
As much as Levi wants to shoot her idea down, Petra has come up with another out-of-the-blue project for the club. She's thinking of a Human Auction where people can bid on their favorite Survey Scouts member to spend a day with them. "Think about all the money we'll be having if we advertise it right!" she squeals.
Human Auction is basically slavery, but made legal for the purpose of fundraising. The concept is as dumb as its name, Levi thinks, but if it means funding the expeditions of the Survey Scouts, then maybe he can let it go.
A week later, the Survey Scouts hold a meeting on who will be the ones to be auctioned. They nominate Levi (he had no choice, Mike and Nanaba wrote his name on the ballot), Mikasa (much to her dismay), Sasha (she'll do anything for free food), and Oluo (he volunteered himself when Levi was picked).
When Levi asks her how the entire thing works, Petra explains that she and the organizers are to make a profile for each of them to attract people to bid. "I can already see it," she spreads her hands high up in the air while looking at her fingers. "For you, Levi, it's going to be 'Reclusive college senior willing to provide services for a day. BDSM included.'"
"The fuck?"
Eld and Gunther snort together, trying to hide their laughter. Levi has a feeling Hange has told them of the projectile steel ball incident.
"Is that too much?" Petra stares at him in pure innocence. "We can settle for just bondage, then."
Levi's eyes are filled with terror and panic. He's afraid that someone would exploit him for some kinky fantasy. "Are you fucking serious? This should be illegal. It's human trafficking." Sugarcoated for the so-called benefit of strangers.
"But you can also do a lot of things for others! Like, serenading them," Petra says.
Eld adds, "Or washing their car."
"Or cleaning houses, mowing lawns, and doing their laundry," Gunther offers.
"Maybe getting tied up and blindfolded, if they're into stuff like that." Oluo suggests, trying hard not to look into his eyes.
Levi can't believe the words that are sprouting out of their mouth. "I already do most of the chores for Hange. Do I look like I'm getting paid for those?"
"Well, then, this time you can make your manual labor worthy for a cause." Petra crosses her arms, her decision made final and backed up by the boys.
"What do you mean another ten minutes?"
He has been waiting for Hange to get out of the Biology lab for fifteen minutes already. They have planned to study together for an upcoming oral exam (he's ready to leave 3 out of 5 thesis statements unanswered at this point) but Hange has decided that her experiment has priority this time around.
She lifts up her lab goggles that have already fogged her vision. "Moblit and I are almost done with the conclusions part. Just be a little more patient."
"Patience is for people lining up at the DMV, Four-Eyes." Stupid waiting times just to get a driver's license makes him wanna throw people down the cliff. He doesn't see that Hange has already gone back inside the lab.
There's a block of students passing by the corridor so he decides to peep into the room. From a distance, he can see a male student peering into the microscope with Hange right behind him, her hands on top of his as she helps the guy adjust the focal lens. The sight makes Levi's eyeballs itch so much he needs to bleach them.
"We got it, Hange. The results validate our hypothesis."
"I told you so!" She shrugs off her lab coat completely. "We did it, Moblit!" Hange shouts in rejoice, tackling her labmate in a hug. The guy is surprised for a moment and slowly puts a hand on her back.
Levi just wants to retch.
He is about to leave when Hange calls out to him. "Hey, Levi! Come on in, I want to introduce you to someone."
His first instinct is to just walk away and pretend he didn't hear her. But that will only prompt her to ask more questions and Levi certainly isn't in the mood to explain himself. So he goes in, fingernails digging deep into his palms. "What now?"
"This is Moblit, my lab partner." She drags the poor guy to where Levi is. "Moblit, this is Levi, my best friend who takes good care of me. Oh, and he's a clean-freak."
"Really?" The guy named Moblit is amused, extending his hand to Levi who doesn't take it.
"Yeah, I usually scrub her face with bleach."
Hange hits him on the back. "Levi's actually my first lab partner back in freshman year," and then she glares at Levi with a wicked smile. "I accidentally hit him in the balls with a projectile gun."
With Levi scowling back at her, Moblit attempts to ease the tension by saying, "I'm sure that was a good aim."
"Actually, it was deadly," Levi corrects him, not leaving Hange's eyes.
Moblit laughs for a moment and then stops when he sees Levi scowling and ready to shred anyone and anything into pieces. Sensing the awkwardness in the situation, he excuses himself. "Well, I better get going. Need to work on some papers. Nice to meet you, man."
He moves sideways like a crab until he reaches the door and brisk-walks away from the two's heated eye stare.
There's a thing about grocery shopping that intrigues Levi. Grocery shoppers can be categorized into two: those who make lists and try to follow them, and those who just grab anything on the shelves thinking it's on their list. He and Mike, unfortunately, are one and the other, making them the worst combination to run errands.
"Damn, I love these pretzel bites." Mike shoves a huge tub in the cart.
"That's not on the list."
"But—"
Levi gives him a return-it-or-I-will-kill-you stare as he points to the shelf where Mike got it from. Deeply sighing, the 6'5" man puts the snack back. Maybe he'll sneak it into the cart when the midget isn't looking as they're about to pay, and then it'll be too late by then.
They continue down the aisle as Levi keeps dictating the items they're still missing, with Mike reaching out for those up in higher shelves.
The image of Hange assisting Moblit in the lab is still burning in Levi's mind which is deeply nagging him. Finally, he releases his frustration to his companion. "Why does Hange keep on hanging out with that Moblit?"
"Uh, 'cause he's her lab partner?" Mike eyes him suspiciously. Nevertheless, he keeps wheeling the grocery cart.
"Does she live in the lab all day? Why does she giggle like a maniac around him? Who do you think helps her out whenever she forgets stuff?"
Mike tries to control his laughter after hearing the barrage of questions. A jealous Levi Ackerman is not something he sees everyday.
"...Does that Moblit guy even know her quirks? She can't even take care of herself and I have to make sure that she's still functioning as a human being every now and then…" Levi immediately sees the dimples on Mike's cheeks and stops. "What?"
"It's just funny how you finally recognize that Hange's also a person with feelings."
"I—" He's taken aback by the comment. "Haaa?"
"Cut me some slack," Mike raises his eyebrow. "You like Hange, don't you?"
Levi looks like he just swallowed an entire fishbone. "I—are you kidding me—who the fuck—what?" Backing away, he accidentally knocks an entire shelf of canned beans.
Mike places a hand on his shoulder. "It's alright, buddy."
"No, she's annoying—little git—pesky and I—" The words come out strangled, as if he's been constipated all day.
"Deny all you want. It will come out soon. Nanaba and I can see it in your eyes. It always starts with admitting that you're only good as chummy buddies and then when you're together, you start hearing sweet music in the background, your senses are hypersensitive as ever, and the dream starts kicking in—"
"Dream? What dream?"
"Oh, you know, 'The Dream,'" Mike puts up quotation marks in the air with his fingers. "The one where you start fantasizing about the other person and—"
Levi holds up a hand and walks away. "Piss off. We're only friends. She's out of my league and I'm not putting our friendship in trouble."
"Suit yourself. You're falling for your best friend." Mike tells him, wriggling his eyebrow. He starts pushing their cart into the main aisle when he adds, "Also, that is not on our list."
Levi already has his hands on a gallon of dishwashing soap. It's the newest product release with jasmine and lemon scent. "But it's for cleaning."
Mike shakes his head in disapproval. "Still not on our list. We've got our regular refills under the sink."
Levi shoves it back to a random shelf, grumpy as ever.
High-pitched screams erupt when people see the advertisements for the Human Auction of the Survey Scouts, especially with a bunch of girls ogling at Levi's poster. He's heard some snide remarks such as "I'd lick him dry," "If I win this bid, he and I will definitely shower together," and even "I just want to have his babies!" Apparently, there's something dark and mysterious in his aura that attracts a lot of attention. Add to that, the 'wet look' that Nanaba pulled on him for his photoshoot, annoying as it could have been, was in fact, very effective.
"Hey, Levi, nice profile!" One of his classmates, Henning, snickers at him. "How much did they pay you for that?"
His mind flashes back to the other day when they did the posters.
Nanaba, being the camerawoman, asked him to pose on a red couch when he arrived at the studio. At first, he merely plopped himself right in the middle of it, awkward as fuck. And then Nanaba positioned him to cross his legs and drape his hand back over the armrest. It's been ten minutes of simply angling him and focusing the light to highlight his best features—"Oh, that sharp jawline, and that side profile, and those hazy eyes!" Nanaba exclaimed, licking her lips. Mike had to stop her from fawning over their midget friend, especially when Levi declined to strip his top off or even pop his buttons for the added effect.
"Tilt your neck a little bit more, Levi," she instructed him. "That's it, that's it, a little more, and..." When her friend shifted his frame to adjust himself, Nanaba frowned.
"What?"
She looked at her boyfriend. "Maybe we should go for the wet look."
Before Levi could react, Mike dumped an entire bucket of water over Levi's head. That's when Nanaba took the shot.
His entire fangirl brigade shrieked just from watching in the background.
In the end, he's convinced that Hange is only a good friend. Which is why he's also convinced that his pride will be the death of him.
He's in the hallway when she calls her into the laboratory, laughing as she tugs his arm in anticipation. When she closes the door behind them, Katy Perry's I Wanna See Your Peacock starts playing in the background. He doesn't mind it at first until Hange joins in: "Are you brave enough to let me see your peacock?"
"Am I—what?" He then turns around to see Hange shrug off her lab coat, revealing her bikini-clad figure. Confused, Levi opens his mouth to say something.
But she puts a finger to his lips to shush him up, giggling even more. Her hair is loosened from its ponytail and it tumbles down to her shoulders, which makes her a hundred times more alluring to his eyes.
Hange starts singing, "I'm intrigued, for a peek, heard it's fascinating." Before he can resist, she undresses him and lays him out on the immaculate dissecting table. She then climbs on top of him seductively, her dainty legs on both sides of his waist.
He squirms at first, unsure of how the absurdity of this scene is playing out. "Hange, I..." His throat feels dry as a desert. It comes out almost as a moan when she chuckles and licks his neck.
Katy Perry is now singing the refrain in the background as Hange's breath tickles his ear which turns him on all the more. And then she commands him, "Come on, baby, let me see what you're hiding underneath," painting his face in horror.
The alarm clock rings.
He jolts up with a start in his boxer briefs, hair bedridden, and unsurprisingly aroused. The line from the chorus when it goes "Peacock, cock, cock, your peacock, cock, cock…" is still playing in his ears, in addition to the blasted ringing of his clock.
The only time it stops is when he smashes the darn contraption into the floor.
It's a nice and bright Sunday morning when he hears a chair being kicked in the other bedroom. From the sound of it, Hange has just sent a cockroach to the afterlife. Had it not been for the cussing afterwards, he would have not paid attention to it, still completely confused and flustered by his dream.
He walks towards her room like a brave and dignified soldier. However, Levi wrinkles his nose the moment he enters her room. "Hange, this place stinks. When's the last time you've bathed?" Now that he's realized it, she's been holed up in there since last Friday night, only coming out just to use the bathroom.
"I don't know? Three, four days ago?" Hange is sitting right on the floor with her back leaning against the wall. Her hair is undone and filthier than ever. Levi would have found it fascinating had it not been for her eyes red from crying, dark circles already forming underneath.
He leaves for a moment and runs the shower for her. When he comes back, he notices all the empty lagers in her trash bin just as Hange is about to crack open the last can of beer. His furrows his eyebrows in disbelief. "Did you just finish an entire pack?"
To answer his question, she takes out a crumpled $5 bill from her pocket and throws it at him. "Payment. Sorry for drinking yours."
"Since when have you been day-drinking?"
"Since now. It's my coping mechanism." She takes a swig from her beer and wipes her chin with her sleeve. "I did something and I need advice, but I don't want a lot of judgment or criticism."
"And you think I'm the best person for that?" Levi eyes Hange incredulously. He still remembers his super-ultra-mega vivid dream this morning. "Why don't you just go to your lab partner?"
Hange looks like she's actually about to cry. "I screwed up. Big time."
"You gotta be a little more specific than that."
"My lab tests are missing." She's wringing her hands while wailing. "Somebody must have taken them!"
Turns out, Hange failed to secure a permit to do some experiment on the campus critters because her test subjects have gone AWOL. Disappeared, vanished. And now, Hange is broke from spending all her money on her lab pets. Which makes her sad.
Actually, sad is an understatement; crestfallen, downhearted, and depressed is more like it. His thoughts are distracted when Hange starts wailing once again.
"Calm down," he tells her while gently rubbing her back. "Maybe you should try going out for a while. Keep yourself busy with something else."
"I can't. Not without my lab pets."
Levi has no idea how to solve her problem. Chances are, her test subjects are already in the canal or have been eaten alive by the stray cats on campus. So instead, he provides a different solution. "Come on, I'll make you something to eat. You're going to end up drowning yourself in alcohol."
"I'm good, thanks," Hange swats the air with a hand. "I can make myself an egg."
"Four-Eyes, the only thing time you tried to cook was when you microwaved an egg with the shell on." He folds his arms. "You almost blew up this entire apartment."
She winces before relenting to his offer.
Levi's been reading the same line in his textbook for about 20 times. Not a single word gets processed in his mind and now he's sweating hard. It's probably the unusual heat inside the library; somebody must have cranked up the temp to the highest level. Another thing is, the vivid dream of him and Hange making out is still stuck in his mind.
But there's also the dawning realization that Hange hasn't appeared in class in three days, suddenly unnerving him.
"Hange, get your shit together," he told her, pulling her up one last time as she tried to eat a bowl of stir-fried noodles with her tears.
"I can't."
"Come on, you're not going to make yourself useful sulking in here."
Hange pretended to drop dead and cried herself to sleep on the floor that night.
He's about to read the entire paragraph once again when he feels a tap on his shoulder from behind. His first instinct is to wring the unknown hand and break this person's wrist.
"Hey, you're Hange's friend right?"
He cranes his neck and sees Moblit. He should have gone with his instincts. Levi stares at him in silence.
The guy says something again but Levi's thoughts are back to Hange—Hange's laughter, Hange's smile, her dirty, oily, messy hair that he doesn't really hate, her thick-framed glasses, her bright eyes. His daydreaming is interrupted when Moblit waves his hand in front of Levi's face and asks, "Are you alright?"
He blinks. "I'm sorry, can you repeat that?"
"I said, you need to help me. Hange is still fussing over Sawney and Bean. She won't stop wailing about them during our Biology club meeting."
"And who are Sawney and Bean?"
"Our children aka our lab mice," Moblit sighs, not seeing the twitch of Levi's eyebrow when he said 'our children.'
"I suppose they didn't escape from their cages?"
"It was my fault." Moblit continues, covering his eyes with both hands, "I overfed them with the pellets and then the next thing I knew they're dead! So I chucked them out! I tell people I'm a science major and they look at me like I'm some kind of joke. I don't know what to make of it!"
"It can't get worse, can it?"
He sees Moblit take something out of his bag. It's a really nicely drawn poster of two mice, one gray with a short tail and one brown with huge dog-ragged ears. Levi assumes those are Sawney and Bean. There's a huge sign at the bottom of the poster saying, 'Have You Seen These Mice?'
Moblit explains, "She made me draw these by hand and now she wants me to post these Wanted Posters all over campus in hopes of finding them!"
For all they know, her lab mice are now in the afterlife for rodents. Hange is going to throw a fit when she finds out. Or rather, if she finds out. Sighing, Levi finally comes up with a stupid idea.
There's a buzz inside the room during the Human Auction Bidding Day. Hange, being the auctioneer, has been riling up the students alongside Mike who's taking note of every bid. She still seems to be not in the mood despite the raw energy that she's emitting. Together, the both of them have been hypnotizing the bidders with their quick-paced words, lulling them into the dreadful mind conditioning to call and respond.
Within the first thirty minutes, Jean has already bid for Mikasa after strangling Floch who went neck and neck with him. Sasha has been bought by Connie who won over Ymir (Niccolo the bartender contracted her and Historia to bid for Sasha on behalf of him). Oluo has been bought by Eld and Oluo after they made a deal when he would stop imitating Levi because they're so fed up with it.
At this point, everyone is already tired of the Hange the auctioneer's chants ("Will you give me now? Will you give me two? Will you give me three?" or "Going, going…gone!")
And then she announces that it's Levi's turn to be auctioned off. The moment she turns the hourglass, a bunch of hands and shrieks from women fill the air as if they're haggling in the marketplace.
Hange begins her deadpan chant: "I'm at $20, now $20, I need $30, $30, somebody give me $30, $30…"
Levi gulps when he sees a femboy put up a hand and Hange acknowledges the drastic increase in price.
"Who'll give me a hundred dollars? One hundred dollar bid, now two, now two, will you give me two?"
He looks around the room and sees more hands from women with raging hormones. At this point, he's willing to bet that they're eyeing him like a piece of prized meat.
"Two hundred, two and a half, two-fifty, How about two-fifty? Fifty? Fifty? Fifty? I got it!"
Sweating in his seat, he tugs the hand of Petra who's standing near the door. She's definitely having fun watching the commotion. "Oi, Petra, I need a favor… "
Petra can sense the pure terror in his eyes, so she sweetly smiles and whispers, "Oh, does somebody need to be bailed out?"
Levi is now mortified, but he's also desperate. "Please, I'll do anything. Just don't let these people devour me whole."
"So will you take me out?"
"Like on a date or with a rifle?"
She grins. "Surprise me."
"How about two-sixty? Sixty?" Hange is still going on about it. "Sixty? I've got two-sixty, now seventy? How about seventy? Two-seventy?"
And then Petra raises her hand, standing up indignantly. Mike confirms it and gives the price to Hange who also just acknowledged another person's price. It's the 6'1" leader of Levi's fangirl brigade.
"Two hundred and seventy dollar bid, now three, now three hundred, will you give me three?"
There's an eerie silence between the two women as they stare down at each other with Hange in between.
"Going once, going twice… sold!" Hange pounds the gavel, signifying the final price of Levi's dignity.
In the end, Petra has officially bought him out.
The light is back in her eyes when she sees Sawney and Bean scurrying in their cages the moment she arrives in the lab, with Levi having escorted her.
"You found them?" Hange picks up the mice on her palm and allows them to peck her cheeks as if she's Cinderella. But she's not looking at Levi.
Her eyes are glinting with happiness at her lab partner.
"Uh, yeah." Moblit is trying not to meet her in the eyes as she nuzzles her unknowingly new lab pets. "It's a good thing they have unique features."
He and Levi had to spend an entire day in several pet stores looking for the perfect look-a-likes of Sawney and Bean. They had to choose one that had a chewed-off ear and another with a shortened tail. In the end, the two men had to paint two white mice gray and brown to fit the bill.
"Oh, Moblit, you're amazing!"
Levi uncomfortably shifts by the door. He absolutely cannot believe that the bastard Moblit is taking all the credit. He should probably expose his stupidity and carelessness, that her amazing lab partner actually let the real Sawney and Bean die. But then he remembers Hange's sadness and for some reason, he couldn't bring himself to see her heartbroken.
"So, uh, Hange," Moblit clears his throat. "Are you seeing anyone right now?"
She stops cuddling her mice. "Huh? You mean like a guy?"
"No, he means a ghost. Or a psychiatrist." Levi says sarcastically.
"I got the joke, Levi. Go face the wall."
Moblit then continues, "Would you like to have dinner with me one of these nights? Nothing too grand. Just a thank-you for helping me out in my first lab experiment—"
She hugs him tight, not letting him continue anymore. "Ohmygosh, yes."
They stay like that for a while. Until they remember that there is another person in their presence.
"Alright, well, let me know if you guys need a room," Levi's voice is filled with sarcasm.
She shoots back at him, "Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot you're still there 'cause you're too small."
"You did not just say that." He opened his mouth to defend himself but thought better. Or worse. "You need a fucking reality check for your fucked up brain."
Hange is now offended. "Whoa, chill the fuck out, grumpy old man."
"I am not a grumpy old man."
It's Moblit's hint to leave, and thankfully, he takes it. Telling Hange that he'll just continue the conversation through text, he brisk-walks past Levi, sheepishly avoiding his death stare.
Levi watches as Hange silently puts her pets back into their cage. Sighing, she turns to face him. "Jeez, what is wrong with you?"
"Just making sure your head is still functioning well."
"You're the one who told me to go out!" Hange cries in exasperation. "And now all you ever do is complain and insult me."
"You—I—what? Excuse me?"
"You heard me. Jerk." She points a finger at him. "Nothing good ever comes out of your mouth."
He cannot believe that Hange just pulled some reverse card trick on him. "Oh, is this what it is now?"
"Always has been!" She removes her lab coat in distress and crumples it into a ball of fabric. "I don't need you having to comment on every part of my life every minute of every day!"
That was the last straw. Levi angrily walks up to her, prodding a finger on her shoulder. "Fine, go be on your own. Let's see where you'll be without me."
Hange, being the taller of them two, only stares him down. "Fine, asshole." She throws her lab coat onto the desk and shoves him out of her way before walking out of the room. "I don't want to be friends with someone who can't confront his own feelings!"
That got him. He would have just left the conversation at that, let her win, but now his mind is clouded with rage. "Next time, just get some goddamn humans for your lab tests," he shouts back at her. "And make sure to overfeed them!"
"Great idea!" She slams the door. Levi is left wondering if she completely understood the irony just now.
"Give me a conversation starter." Petra giddily prompts him, her eyes lovey-dovey as she rests her cheeks on the palms of her hands. She's excited to be out with him at Karanes' Pizza, the only place (and the cheapest) that he first thought of when he had to fulfill his end of the bargain.
Sitting across her, Levi slumps his shoulders. "I don't know. Do you like…" He thinks of the first thing that comes to his mind. "Mice?"
Her nose twitches. "Ew. What kind of question is that?" And then she thinks about her answer before shrugging. "But generally-speaking, I like pets."
"What would you name them?"
"Maybe, uh, Black Diamond or, uhm, White Rose."
"Those sound like hooker names."
They order pizza and chicken tenders, accompanied by some good old beer to warm themselves up. She convinces him to watch a movie at the cinema with her afterwards. Petra has a lot of great stories and her laughter does indicate that she's having a great time indeed, but Levi cannot fake a smile, not when he feels like shit deep inside. He just cannot afford to be dishonest towards another person who deserves all the good in the world. Especially after she bailed him out for 300 bucks.
After offering to pay for both the dinner and the movie, he walks her back to her apartment. There's some silence as she admires the small town lit by the lampposts. And then Levi breaks it to her. "Hey, you're a good friend."
She gives him a small smile. "Thanks, Levi."
"No, I mean it."
"I meant what I said, too." She stops and takes his hands to cup them inside hers. He can't explain it, but he feels like she knows how he's feeling right now, especially when Petra says, "I'm not the one for you, am I?"
He feels awkward having to reject her. But he has to do it, for his peace of mind and hers. "I'm sorry."
She slaps his hand teasingly and laughs. "Don't be. You go do your thing, Boss. Free your heart. As wise Confucius once said, 'It doesn't matter how slow you go, so long as...'" She's trying to remember the proverb. "You keep on vibing. Or rolling. Did I get that right?"
"I doubt it."
"Okay, whatever cheesy shit people say."
END OF CHAPTER
Author's Notes: This is probably the last chapter before I start working once again (I got a job as an analyst for a footwear manufacturing company; how sweet is that?) but nevertheless, I'm going to try my best to continue writing the story. I already have a draft of the next part; it just needs a more fleshing out, so please stay tuned!