Disclaimer: This story is written for fun-purpose only. I don't own Digimon or the characters I use in this story; and no money is made with this fanfic.
Genre: Tragedy/Drama
Rating: T
Criticism: Always welcome, as long as it's constructive.
Summary: "In order to keep sane, I need to continue pretending. Because otherwise, my whole world would fall apart…" (Daisuke-centric)
Note: Bad chapter. Really bad chapter.
Little Dragon
by Kaeera
Chapter Eight: Musings
I'm going to write a hate-sermon about hospitals. I could fill a whole book on the topic! Because I really dislike hospitals, you see. No, that's wrong. I loathe them!
Why do they think people will become healthy again if you put them in a building full of sick people? They'll only make each other sicker! Come on…it might be alright when you have an operation, or break your leg….short-term things. But long-time treatment? Stuck with all the other patients in the long-time treatment ward?
Everyone is miserable, so they only make each other more miserable. Honestly! It's like walking into one of those nursing homes for old people – you get stared at just because you're young and healthy. Excuse me! It's not as if I'm parading the fact that I still have my limbs attached…
In fact, I'd prefer it if I was the one hurt and Jun the one parading around.
But I'm not and so I try to be nice to everyone, but it just makes me so sad
I reckon the worst is the children's ward. It's just around the corner, you know, and sometimes - when Jun was in some kind of treatment - I wandered over there. It's bright and cheerful and it breaks your heart because you know that all those kids shouldn't be there, that they should be outside playing with their mates.
But I'm going off tangent here. What I wanted to say is that all those people are depressed, and they make Jun depressed as well. When there is nothing to think about but death, wouldn't you think about death as well?
I know I would.
And that's the bad thing. Jun should be thinking about life, about laughter, happiness, and joy. She should be able to play and joke around and annoy her little brother. Because how can the body heal when the spirit is sick as well?
But as always, nobody listens to Daisuke, the fool.
Daisuke's Notes
"So."
"So."
They stared at each other, not knowing what to say. Jun looked worn out, tired beyond exhaustion, with a deep, old sadness in her eyes. Daisuke didn't appear any better; his clothes were wrinkled, his hair a mess, and he was very pale.
He had never felt so tired in his entire life. His whole body ached and all he wanted to do was sleep. Yet he knew that he wouldn't be able to, not for a long time. The doctor had finally allowed him – grumpily – to visit his sister.
This was a conversation he had been dreading, and yet he felt strangely relieved. The burden of trying to maintain his façade was lifted from his shoulders.
"You bloody idiot." Jun chided softly. "What did you do to yourself?"
Daisuke stared at her, tears welling up in his eyes. "I'm…sorry." He was shocked by his own raw emotions.
"Don't be. I'm glad." His sister motioned for him to come over. "I sensed this coming for quite a while."
"Oh." All of sudden, he felt quite stupid. Wearily, he stepped closer to the bed and yelped in surprise when Jun engulfed him in a bear hug.
"You're too damn stubborn for your own good, you know." she whispered into his ear and her voice wavered. "Trying to fight on your own, trying to be strong, whilst you have so many good friends. They want to be there for you, Davis, they want to help you. Accept this help, because…because I can't give it to you." The girl let go and regarded him sadly.
"I just…" Daisuke began, but she stopped him.
"No. Please let me talk. I need to tell you this…" She gazed at the wall. "I know that he never talk about emotions, and I'm not a good older sister…but I feel that you have the right to know."
Taking a deep breath, the red-haired girl clutched her chest.
"I'm afraid." She then stated and smiled shakily. "Davis, I'm so scared I'm nearly peeing in my pants. I don't want to die. Well, I guess nobody does. Even though…I can feel myself slipping. And that's what scares me. I'm getting weaker, and the treatments aren't helping anymore and the doctors are so concerned…They say that I still have chances. That I can't give up hope. And whilst I hope, I can't deny that there's the possibility I might die…" She closed her eyes for a moment, drawing a painful breath.
"There are so many things I wanted to do, and now that I might face death, I feel so young and empty. I suddenly see little details that are important to me, which I never realized because they are so normal. You know, like getting up on Sunday and slacking off, even though you know you should do your homework."
"Like sitting in class and drawing stick figures in my exercise book because the lesson is far too boring."
"Like gossiping with my classmates about the latest fashion, hot guys and the annoying little twerp in the front row."
"Like being angry about trivial things that don't really matter."
"Jun…" he didn't know what to say. After all, he wasn't used to his sister opening his heart – to him, of all people.
"No, it's alright." She touched his hand. "This is my stuff to deal with. It's been hard, but…but I manage. I get by. I'm tough, after all. Not as tough as you, but still tough." Jun took a deep breath. "What I actually wanted to tell you…"
She fidgeted and looked at her hands. "Gee, that's really difficult."
Daisuke was confused. "What?"
"Well, this!" Impatiently, she waved at the empty air. "I wanted to tell you that, despite how I act all the time, I still think of you as my little brother and I'm proud of you. Of course, you are an annoying idiot at times, yes – but still quite cool. And, well…I like you. I don't want you to think anything else, should something happen to me."
"Nothing is going to happen to you!" he stated firmly, but his voice trembled oh-so slightly.
He received a sad smile in return. "Even you can't predict the future, Daisuke."
Jun didn't wait for his reply, but turned around to rummage in a drawer. "There's something I wanted to give you."
She spilled items on the floor, empty chocolate wrappers and used tissues. Just like her brother, the older Motomiya sibling had never been very tidy. Why waste energy on organizing things when you could put them in a pile instead?
Then she produced a white envelope, sealed, with a single name written on it. She stared at it for a while, a most curious expression on her face, and then she handed it over to her brother.
"I want you to have this."
"Oh. Thank you." Daisuke took the letter, frowning. "What it is?"
"A letter."
"Duh, I can see that."
"It is meant for you to read when I'm no longer there."
"You…what?" He stared at his sister in horror. "You can't mean that!" He couldn't believe that his sister had actually…prepared for this. It made the possibility more real, somehow, and a feeling of dread settled in his stomach.
"Oh yes, I can!" Jun was strict. "You can burn this letter when I'm on the mend – but I want you to keep it for the next couple of days. Just in case. If I die…I want you to read it."
Daisuke swallowed hard. "I don't wan you to die."
"Well, I certainly hope so." Jun smiled wryly. Then she put her hand on his. "Davis…it's going to be okay. Either way, it's going to be okay. It was hard on me for a while, but now…I think I'm ready. If it happens. I still don't like it, and I'm scared senseless, but…well, at least I have the chance to say goodbye. That counts a lot."
A lonely tear found its way down his cheek. "I hate goodbyes." The boy whispered.
"Me, too. But sometimes, we just cannot avoid them."
Her smile wavered, and suddenly Daisuke darted forward, hugging his sister tightly. "It's going to be okay." he croaked hoarsely, realizing that he wasn't the only one who needed comforting.
They held each other for a long time.
Daisuke slept like a log, Veemon cradled in his arms. As soon as the little digimon had arrived at the hospital, it had jumped into his partners' arms and not left him ever since.
Ken smiled fondly at the sleeping form of his friend, remembering Wormmon. He was glad that they all had their digimon partner – it meant whatever happened, they would never have to face it alone.
Even though the redhead appeared pale and exhausted, there was an air of peace around him. The conversation with Jun had helped him a lot, as did the knowledge that he wasn't alone with his pain anymore. Ken sincerely hoped that things would go uphill from now on.
It was required for Daisuke to stay at the hospital overnight, and so some kind nurse had put another bed in Jun's room. Now they were both sleeping soundly, exhausted from the days events.
"When you see them like this, you wouldn't think that anything is wrong." Hikari spoke softly, as she stepped closer to Ken. The others were hovering in the doorway, afraid to disturb the peaceful scene.
"Isn't it always like that?" Ken replied wryly. "When we sleep, we can escape our problems."
"What do you think?" The girl asked, her gaze fixed on Jun.
"About this? I don't know." Ken sighed and shook his head. Now, that the situation had been resolved, everything was finally sinking in.
"We should better leave. This is something that should be discussed in peace. And I really don't want to wake them up."
"Ken is right. They do need their sleep." Takeru added from behind and jerked his head to the door. "There's a nice little café around the corner. Why don't we go there?"
"That's a good idea." Everyone seemed to agree, and so they left, knowing that their friend was in good hands – for now.
The café was empty – it was too early in the day. The waitress gave them a kind smile, as they looked for a table. They decided on one in the corner, nice and deserted. After ordering some hot chocolates – the sugar was bitterly needed - silence ensued.
"So." Miyako said finally. "This day was quite…revealing."
Iori smiled wryly. "It was indeed."
"I still can't believe it." Takeru shook his head.
"I think nobody can." Hikari stared at the cup in her hands. "But you guys…when I talked to Jun…she really seemed to think that she's going to die."
Miyako couldn't believe it. "What? But I thought…I thought you can treat it! I mean, with modern medicine and all that…"
"Well, she doesn't seem to believe so. She told me she can feel…feel that she's fading. And she's afraid." Tears glistered in her eyes. "I fear that we might very well face the possibility of her death."
"That's horrible!" They all exclaimed, the feeling of dread intensifying.
Takeru leaned back, not knowing what to say. How could you comfort someone who lost his sibling? He remembered how devastated he'd been after the divorce, and that had only been a divorce…Daisuke didn't deserve that fate. Nobody did.
Ken was thinking along the same lines. "He will need us." he stated simply. Of all the digidestined, he was the only one who knew what it meant to lose a sibling. His loss had made him turn evil, because he had had no one to rely on – he didn't want Daisuke to share the same fate.
"Oh, I feel so helpless!" Miyako slammed on the table. "I can't stand seeing him like this. I wish we could fight, or help him, I don't know, find some kind of treatment…instead we're stuck on the sidelines, watching…watching how she fades away!"
"We cannot think like that." Takeru looked up with determination in his eyes. "There's still hope left. We have to support her with all our strength. She can make it."
It was typical for the blonde boy to be the sunshine of hope, but even he couldn't help feeling the gloom of the whole situation.
Miyako, however, wasn't consoled. "We're quite useless, aren't we?" she muttered darkly, stirring her hot chocolate.
"No." Ken shook his head, his expression determined. "We're his friends. And we have to act as such."
"Easier said than done, isn't it?" was Miyako's sarcastic reply. "Nobody of us is really equipped to deal with a tragedy like this. Well, with the exception of you, Ken." Colour rose to her cheeks, as she realised what she had said. "I'm sorry.
"No, you're right." The blue-haired boy looked at his hands, remembering the devastating time after the death of his brother. "There's nothing worse than having a…member of your family die. I used to hate Osamu, and still I missed him terribly. Worst of all, I felt guilty. And alone. I won't let that happen to my best friend. I won't let him feel alone. Don't you understand? We're his friends. He's going to telly on us, and we're going to help him in every way we can."
He nodded towards Miyako. "It's not true when you say that we aren't equipped to deal with it. We just haven't realized it yet. Everybody of us can help Daisuke in his own, special way. Miyako, you can fight with him and cheer him up and kick him in the ass when he's moping; Hikari can talk to him, Takeru make him smile and in Iori he can trust."
Hikari smiled gently. "Don't forget yourself, Ken."
"I won't." he smiled back. "What I wanted to say is…we're not helpless. We all have our individual ways of helping, and we should use them…because what else are friends for?"
Elsewhere, Daisuke's thoughts were circling around the same topic.
It was in moments like these when the redhead realized the true meaning of friendship. Most of the time he was unsure; there was so much about being a friend, far more than being ready to protect.
There was listening, and caring, and being there…he had always been sure that he wasn't a good friend. He could cheer people up and make them laugh, yes; but listening? No, that definitely wasn't his forte.
But sitting here in the hospital made him realize how great his friends were at being friends. Each of them had been there for him. Ken had talked sense into him, as only he could; Miyako had run to get Veemon; Hikari had even talked to his sister and given her one of her most stunning smiles, the one that said 'We can do it'.
Iori had simply stood there, with so much understanding on his face, so that Daisuke just knew he could turn to him and tell him everything – he would understand and never tell a soul.
And Takeru, well, he had been Takeru, being overly cheerful and optimistic, until they finally started a random fight, which reminded him of the fact that yes, there still was a normal life out there.
He couldn't rely on his parents – but he could rely on his friends.
The thought was of such magnitude that it stunned him. He had been ready to deal with it on his own, to fight and cry alone, but now he found that there were people standing beside him. It astonished him that they were worried about him – after all, he was just Daisuke, wasn't he? The idiot. The clumsy fool.
Speaking of that, he'd probably failed his exams as well – he couldn't even remember most of it. It was all a blur.
A small smile fluttered over his face. Even Jun seemed to appreciate him, as funny as that sounded. She'd told him herself.
The boy rolled around in the hospital bed and watched his sleeping sister. Pale and frail she looked, as if her body might break any moment. But sleep also made her peaceful. She was just Jun, as bald and white she might look. She was his sister, and he loved her for that.
Daisuke closed his eyes. Now, that he had slept, he felt a lot better. His body had been able to catch up on the long lost sleep, as the last bit of caffeine had finally left his system. Eating something had helped, as well – Daisuke had been surprised how much better he had felt. Hypoglycaemic, as the doctors had called it. Not enough food in his system, not enough sugar to keep him going.
He was able to look at things logically now. Well, at least a little bit more logically – after all, he was Daisuke and that couldn't be ignored so easily.
There was really no reason to wallow in self-pity. The secret was out, so no hiding anymore. He had expected the consequences to be worse, but neither had Jun screamed at him nor had his friends been abhorred by her illness. In fact, everybody had been so understanding and caring that Daisuke couldn't help but wonder if it was all but a dream.
He pinched himself. Ouch.
Nope, not a dream.
Actually, it was great that the secret was out in the open. Now he didn't have to lie anymore when he visited his sister, and maybe he could even rope the others into accompanying him on his visits! They could play cars and successfully distract Jun from the hospital and everything.
Daisuke immediately cheered up by this idea. Yes, and if Jun felt better, she would become better, wouldn't she? After all, the mind had to heal as well, and how well could a mind heal when it was stuck inside with sick people all the time?
He lay back down on the covers with a contented sigh and watched the white ceiling. For the first time in weeks, there was an almost content look on his face. Daisuke was a doer; and having a plan seemed to put everything in a more positive light.
With a grin, he looked at his sleeping sister. "You're not going to get rid of me that easily."
/Sometimes
in even the worst of times
we manage to save a little bit of sunlight
so that in the deepest darkness
there will be a flicker of light
reminding us that even the deepest despair
is only temporary/
"Snap."
"Whoa! Stop there! Why Snap again?"
"Because I have all the cards, you dummie!" Jun flashed a mischievous grin and showed the cards on her hand.
Daisuke groaned. "I can't believe it!"
Ken was amazed. "How can anyone have so much luck? It's mathematically not…"
"Believe me, it's just crazy playing with her.", the redhead waved at his sister. "As far as I remember, she has always won at this game. Always! Once she won Thirty-seven times in a row!"
"Thirty-seven times?" Ken blinked. "What happened after that?"
"I gave up."
Jun smirked. "It's a skill, little brother. One that you will never achieve." She ruffled his hair lovingly, until he pulled away.
"Just wait – your day is yet to come!" the boy threatened. "I want another round!"
Ken watched the siblings with amusement in his eyes. It was a peaceful day, and they had met here to spend some time with Jun, because, as his best friend had put it, she desperately needed someone to distract her - to take her thoughts off her own death.
Ken couldn't agree more – he knew from his own experience that it brought no good to dwell only on the dark side of things.
And so they had met and had been playing cards games for the last hour, with Jun cheering up more and more.
The genius found it fascinating; he had learned a lot about his friend, because Jun loved to share stories about their childhood, especially stories that embarrassed Daisuke horribly.
"I still can't believe that you were afraid of the toaster!" The blue-haired boy shook his head and chuckled. "Imagine that, Daisuke the brave, bearer of the crest of courage, afraid of a simple electric device?"
Jun chortled, while Daisuke's face coloured a deep scarlet. "Oh, shut up, you two!" he grumbled. "I couldn't help it, alright? I just was…afraid."
"Yeah, he'd run miles every time the toast popped out – it was hilarious!"
Daisuke glowered at her, trying to sink into the bedcovers. He'd known that playing this game was a bad idea, but Jun had insisted on it and he hadn't had the heart to say no. Not that he had really wanted to.
But, he reflected, Jun was laughing, and that was a sight he had sorely missed. It was okay if he had to embarrass himself for that; he was used to it, after all.
And so Daisuke smiled. "You just wait – the next embarrassing story will be about you! Do you remember the ice-cream parlour and the dirty puddle? Now, that's an embarrassing story if I ever heard one…"
To be continued…
It is actually possible to lose in 37 times in a row. I counted. The embarrassing thing was that my opponent was eight years old at that time – he had the most incredible luck ever.
Sorry for being late – as always. I seem to have lost every inspiration for this story, and with the exams drawing closer, time is a precious thing.
I remembering having read somewhere on that replies to reviews are no longer in the actual chapter…is that true? Admittedly, sometimes I found it annoying when I read a story and the response to the reviewers was longer than the actual chapter itself, but it was a nice way of staying in contact with the readers. So I'm going to refrain from answering individually in this chapter, until I'm absolutely certain what I'm allowed to do (I must say, is getting stricter and stricter…isn't that contradicting their slogan 'free your soul'?)
So thanks for the reviews – I really do read them and keep them in my heart, believe me – and no, it's not going to be a Daikari. Whilst I love the pairing, I think Daisuke has too many problems right now to focus on romance. Maybe there'll be hints, but that's all there'll ever be in this story.
Thank you for your support.