Lily
Melissa
Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns all recognizable characters
Chapter 2
Reasons Why The World Needs Left-Handed Spiral-Bound Notebooks
By Lily Evans
With commentary from Melissa Taylor
I would just like to clear up the fact that Lily is not, in fact, a very violent person, and that she is the loveliest person in this world… to everyone else.
What is that supposed to mean?
It means that to everyone else, you're nice, but to people like James, Kayla, and myself, you're not. That's right, Lily Evans, we know you for who you really are.
I have such amazing friends.
You know it.
I do.
((Sarcasm detected))
But did you see that necklace Lewis Conioli bought for Kayla's birthday in Hogsmeade yesterday? It must have cost him fifty Galleons at least!
I didn't think he could afford something so expensive. He must really like her. Too bad she doesn't feel the same way... and too bad she doesn't like so much extravagance.
I know, she's so weird.
Not everyone needs huge parties with fancy dress and alcohol for their birthdays, muffin.
Really? Then they're weird too.
They're not you, Mel.
Was that supposed to be insulting?
Depends what way you look at it.
Oh. Then – HEY! Take that back!
Make me. Anyway, shall we get on with this?
Be my guest.
So, Professor H, you may want to get those weird stripy glasses of yours on (somebody's a little overdue for a visit to the opticians), because we have come up with another reason why you should give lefties what they want.
What, you mean give them those gobstoppers that Honeydukes has just started to sell? The ones that look like dragon droppings but taste like heaven?
No, although since when did heaven have a taste?
Since I said so.
Fair enough… but I meant the notebooks. After I gave you the sheet from our first argument, I only received a look and a 'let's see what else you've got', so I am doing exactly that – showing you what else I've got.
We've been asking around the last couple of days for people's opinions on this matter, as you may know, and here are some of the things that students of Hogwarts have said:
'Is this an extra credit assignment? Because if it is, how come the rest of us didn't hear about it?'
'I think that you should go stick your head down Moaning Myrtle's toilet and leave me alone.' (Please note that at this comment, Lily took ten points off the fifth-year in question for insulting the Head Girl)
'I think that you should quit while you're ahead, because obviously Professor H isn't going to give in.'
'Why don't you just get your own left handed spiral-looking notewriters?'
'Rot in hell, Mudblood and blood traitor.'
'Get away from me, you James Potter-stealer.' (Please also note that the speakers of the two above comments were both given detention and had house points taken off)
Obviously Hogwarts students have some very strong views on this topic, and so it was hard for us to come up with a new reason.
Wasn't that hard.
They do have strong opinions though, don't they?
You bet. Remember that kid we asked yesterday?
Yeah…
((Wincing sound detected))
That wasn't pretty.
Who knew that swearing could have such an effect on a corridor of people?
I don't think I've ever seen such a large group of people go so quiet, so fast.
I didn't think it was possible for people to go so quiet. I swear I could hear Peeves trashing the Astronomy Tower.
Oh yeah… remind me to tell Dumbledore about that, I hear some third-year Hufflepuff got in trouble for it.
You're too much of a softie.
I know.
…just not to us, apparently.
ANYWAY, we have come to a decision that reason number two should appeal to you, Professor H, personally.
2. Because you used to be left handed yourself, Professor, before you performed the 'Right Way Spell' (which is incorrect in every way you can think of, because there is no such thing as the 'right way'. It's handist) on yourself and became right handed.
What is 'handist' supposed to mean?
Means people that are prejudiced according to the hand you write with. I made it up.
Clever.
Thanks. I think I should have my own dictionary. 'The Lily Evans Dictionary Of Lily-Words.'
I'd buy it.
I know you would. I'd make you.
But I think you should call it 'The Lily Potter Dictionary Of Lily-Words.'
Mel, I love James and all, but I also love my independence. And I haven't hit anyone in a long time...
We're going off topic now. So, yes, Professor, we all know it. You performed the spell in your sixth year, when it became too much for you to bear. You instantly became right handed, and forgot all of your left hand ways just like that.
((Sound of fingers snapping detected))
How do we know this, you ask? You forget that my boyfriend is James Potter, Professor.
And you forget James is one of the Marauders.
And you forget that the Marauders have ways of finding things out that normal people like you and I cannot.
And you also forget that James has an obsession with Lily. He's like a little puppy dog… follows her around adoringly. So he'll do basically anything she asks.
Cruel, but true.
Also, you speak so passionately about Muggles and prejudice in class that it would be such a shame for people to find out what you're like yourself…
It should also be noted, Professor, that the Marauders found this out via a very reliable origin. That's right; we read your personal file. So if you want things publicly broadcasted to the whole school about you that you'd rather keep to yourself, I'm afraid you had better do as we ask.
And don't even try thinking about catching us for blackmail.
We still have dirt on you, Professor. Dirt that we obtained legally, this time.
So unless you want pictures of you dressed up in your mother's robes, wearing her make up, carrying her handbag, during your stag night, I suggest that you wise up, buddy.
((Cough detected))
Tone it down.
Wise up, Professor.
((Cough detected))
Better.
So get the notebooks, or we'll show everyone those photos, and we'll tell on you about your handist-ness, and Lily will stop bugging you and everyone can get on with their lives.
Couldn't have put it better myself.
((Silence detected))
So…
Yeah…
((Cough detected))
Um...
Anyway…
Seeing as we've finished this a little earlier than we expected, even though we went off topic…
((Murmurs of counting detected))
…a certain amount of times, why don't we go on and answer some of those questions you had about the last reason, heh? I recall you had a lot of comments, Professor.
Question one: 'I thought I told you to write a petition, not sheets of parchment with records of your rambling on it.'
That's an easy one. We like rambling. And besides, isn't this much more interesting?
Exactly. You asked for a petition, we did a little more. Call it extra credit.
Are we getting marked for this?
No. Actually, I don't know… are we?
There's a question for you, Professor.
Question two: 'Where did you find this Sound-Recording Spell? I thought all books in Hogwarts that had it were burnt after what happened with those students a hundred and fifty years ago. The staff had a nightmare trying to cover it up.'
Well, Professor, it appears that Hogwarts library books do not have the spell, but it does not stop other books from printing it.
What she means is that our resident Charms-specialist, herself, found it in a book she got from Flourish & Blotts, learnt it, and taught it to us so that we could eav…
She means, I learnt it and taught it to them so that we could record notes in class.
((Kicking sound detected))
Ow!
Oops.
((Sarcasm detected))
And it's not a Sound-Recording Spell any longer; I modified it so that it could record literally everything the user does... and I'm trying to develop it to record emotions, too.
I swear she's not fully human sometimes.
Question three: 'Why are you so mean to Pettigrew? I thought he was supposed to be your friend?'
Peter can be a little annoying with his incessant questions sometimes.
Show me how to do that! Why won't she go out with me? Can I borrow your Herbology homework? Help me with this essay! Can I use your shampoo?
He asked to borrow your shampoo?
Oh… I wasn't supposed to tell anyone that. If he asks, look blank.
((Evil laughter detected))
Oh, is he going to be for some serious teasing…
Lily!
Just kidding. James would kill me if I insulted his friends.
Yeah. Those four are such good friends, it worries me.
Isn't loyalty supposed to be a good thing?
...not in excessive amounts, it's not.
Question four: 'Why does Potter call you… Lillipop?'
That can very easily be answered.
Can it? You never told me.
Well, it starts with my infatuation with the Spiral Lollipops Honeydukes sells.
The ones that make your eyes turn into spirals after you like it? The ones that make you look like you're being hypnotized?
That's the one. Anyway, I got a huge box of them for my birthday from Kayla one year, James asked why, I told him, he laughed and then called me 'Lillipop', thus the nickname. It only stuck because 'Lily' sounds similar to 'lolly', and also because it annoyed me.
Oh… so that's why. I thought he had some kind of secret infatuation with Madam Pomfrey, who you know is called Poppy.
WHAT! Mel, that's gross!
You were the one that didn't clear it up in the first place.
Oh, please. You just have a sick mind and can't admit it.
Shut up. Hey, where are the others anyway?
James and Sirius are at Quidditch practice. Which you skipped, by the way. We're both going to get grilled about where you were later.
We'll cross that bridge when we reach it.
Same excuse as last time?
Of course. But make sure you actually use Gryffindors this time, other houses can't seem to lie as well. Hufflepuffs too honest, Ravenclaws suck at acting and Slytherins are… well, we've never tried them, and I'm not about to start now.
Gotcha.
So where is everyone else?
Kayla's tutoring her first years, and Remus is helping Peter with his Charms homework. How he got into NEWT Charms, I'll never know.
Oh… so you purposely picked a time when they were away so we wouldn't all gang up on you again.
Yup.
Scheming bi…
((Note: above word has been erased from the recording because of the rating of the spell. To allow the word to be recorded, please upgrade to the next level of the Recording Spell))
Ahem. So, moving on… Professor, I hope that this second reason will sway you a little more in your choices. If they do not… well, you know what will happen.
Don't even think about getting rid of your private file. Duplicating Charms aren't that difficult, you know.
And those photos? Plenty more where they came from.
Telling on us? Lower than low.
So, hoping to hear something positive back soon, Professor H…
((User 1 removes self))
((User 2 removes self))
((New user of Recording Spell detected))
By the way, Professor, hope you like the… decorations Black and I left in your classroom. Those figurines are 100 percent genuine Slytherin, you know.
Oh, and the reversal spell's written under the figurine of Rabastan Lestrange. Hope you know that the likelihood of Lestrange washing his feet is about the same as Snape washing his hair. Good luck with that.
((User removes self))
I hope that's good enough for now... I really love writing this story right now… I hope you're all enjoying it just as much…
Chapter 3 shall, hopefully, be up within the next two weeks. But don't blame me if it's not… I haven't exactly been the best updater lately. But pretty please… review?