Author's Note: I'm trying out a new system. Update at the very least, once a week. That way everyone gets their fix, and I won't feel so guilty for not updating for so long. Hopefully I'll stick to it this time… thanks to all those that reviewed, and I'm sorry if I missed a reply to your review.
By pleas from some, this chapter involves Lily, Melissa and James. Those people that want their fluff, well, you'll get it here. As much as I can put in anyway, with it still being funny-ish.The format will go:
Lily
Melissa
James
This is so it stays the same as in chapter one, and so I'm not confused. Have fun!
Disclaimer: Same old, same old. J.K. owns all.
Chapter 3Reasons Why The World Needs Left-Handed Spiral-Bound Notebooks
By Lily Evans
With commentary from Melissa Taylor and James Potter
…I don't know what to say. I'm so proud, and so happy.
For Agrippa's sake, Lily, just hurry up and get the gloating over and done with already. We haven't got all day.
Actually, it's night. And we do have all night.
Well, I have a life, unlike you two, and I have more important things to do.
…such as?
A date.
Ooh… who with?
Yeah! Tell me so that I can go punch him for going out with you!
Why would you do that?
Why would you do that?
…no reason.
Lily, your boyfriend's hiding something from us. You going to take that?
Frankly, Mel, I don't really care. If he won't tell me, I have other ways of getting it out of him, so I'm not too bothered as of now.
Lillipop, weren't you going to tell us why you were so proud and so happy?
Don't try and change the subject, Potter.
Guess what? I just did. And you were the one that wanted to get this over with quickly, so…
((Punching sound detected))
Okay, that was mean. Luckily I have layers of muscle and it probably hurt you more than me.
Unfortunately it is the only thing you have in your body. Muscle, I mean.
Lily! Melissa's being mean to me!
Don't. Call. Me. Melissa.
Melissa, stop being mean to my boyfriend.
I repeat: don't. Call. Me. Melissa. And stop sticking up for him. He's just your boyfriend - I'm your best friend, and besides, you know I'm telling the truth.
Shut up. James, come over here and I'll kiss you better.
I didn't even hit him!
Yes you did.
...oh, yeah. Well, get your face-sucking over with so we can carry on with this, please.
((Kissing sounds detected))
((Eye-rolling sound detected))
Where were we?
Oh, right. That. I'm so proud of all of the students that have started to support my campaign for left-handed people's justice.
Justice, or just getting what you want?
Shut up, Mel, you're raining on my parade. I wanted to say, Professor, that you saw the whole commotion in the Great Hall yesterday morning. I'm so proud of all the left-handed people in this school that have decided to join my campaign against prejudice of said left-handed people, like myself. Enclosed, you will find a petition of some five hundred and sixty eight names. That's over half of the school, as you will know.
((Smugness detected))
I didn't think that there were so many left-handed people in the school. You're the only Gryffindor in our year that's left-handed.
Not all of the people on the petition are lefties. Most of them are actually right handed people; they just signed up because you threatened them to, remember?
WHAT?
MELISSA TAYLOR!
Whoops.
((Sarcasm detected))
You threatened students to sign the petition?
((Anger and disbelief detected))
Not exactly threaten, more like… strongly encourage?
Tell her how many people you 'strongly encouraged.'
It wasn't that many, I swear! It was only about… fifty.
Yeah, but you weren't the only one to threaten the students, were you?
THERE WAS SOMEBODY ELSE THAT HELPED YOU?
Lily, your anger's wrinkling your face. You're too pretty to get wrinkles from all those facial expressions you have to pull when you get mad.
DON'T TRY TO SWEET TALK YOURSELF OUT OF THIS ONE, POTTER!
And it wasn't 'somebody else'. It was more like a few somebody elses
There were more than one.
((Silent anger detected))
Sure.
((Slight amusement detected))
Let's see… there was Black, Remus, Peter… you know. James' bum boys.
They are not my bum boys. And you are this close to being kicked off the Gryffindor team, Taylor.
I do have a first name, you know. And do you really think I care? It's just Quidditch.
You don't care, but other Gryffindors will. What do you think they're going to say when they find out their one and only Seeker was kicked off the team?
...I really wouldn't care, honestly.
((Mutter detected))
I swear on my own eventual grave, that I will curse all four of you to the next century and then back to the Stone Age.
Oh yeah… we were saying.
Lily! I swear, I only had good intentions! I only wanted to make you happy, and feel better about this whole campaign… especially what those idiot Slytherins said last week. I don't know why you didn't report them, or at least let me hex the living daylights out of them.
((Softening voice detected))
Really?
I swear! It was purely all for you! I wanted to make you feel happy and proud, and it worked, didn't it?
I guess.
So… do you forgive me?
Of course I forgive you, you adorable git! It was so sweet, what you did!
((Pouncing sound detected))
((Kissing sounds detected))
((Disbelief detected))
How he managed to get himself out of that one will forever remain a mystery. So, while they're busy playing tonsil tennis, I will brief on you on recent developments in this campaign, Professor. The commotion at breakfast yesterd-
((Moaning sounds detected))
((Shuddering detected))
Damn, this is going to be emotionally scarring. I don't think that Lily could clean her teeth more thoroughly if she tried… FOR THE LOVE OF MERLIN! WILL THE TWO OF YOU TAKE IT SOMEWHERE ELSE? I JUST HAD DINNER! I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOUR TONGUES DOWN - POTTER! THERE ARE FIRST YEARS PRESENT! STOP STICKING YOUR HAND DOWN LILY'S SHIRT!
((Moaning sounds detected))
Fine, ignore me then. I'll just move somewhere else.
((User 1 removed by User 2))
((User 3 removed by User 2))
((Footsteps detected))
In the relative safety away from snogging Head students, i.e. in my dormitory, I can continue. The commotion yesterday at breakfast proves how students are getting on board with this campaign now, and the petition, with three hundred and ninety one of the names being right-handers, further proves the reasoning of reason one.
Professor, I highly recommend that you start to sway in the direction of giving in to us. Reason number three that we have come up with, being:
3. We'll get students to boycott your lessons.
I know what you're thinking: 'I don't care if students don't turn up. I don't have to babysit a bunch of pre-teens and teenagers anymore, and I still get paid for it.' Au contraire, Professor. Look what we found in the library: a book of all the school rules ever written. And if you turn to page one hundred and eighty, you'll find the following:
Article Two Hundred And Seven, Section Fourteen:
i. Should any teacher in Hogwarts School Of Witchcraft And Wizardry be teaching a class of five students or less for over two weeks, said teacher will not receive their salary until classes are up to sufficient numbers.
ii. Furthermore, if a class is not up to sufficient numbers for over two months, then the teacher in question will be made redundant.
The above is in accordance with Article Two Hundred And Seven, Section Fifteen.
Want to know what Section Fifteen says, Professor?
Article Two Hundred And Seven, Section Fifteen:
A sufficient class number for a Hogwarts School Of Witchcraft And Wizardry is six students or above. If a class contains less than six students, without the effects of illness, plagues, epidemics, et cetera, then it is apparent that the teacher or subject is too dull, boring, uninteresting, et cetera. This is reason to believe that the teacher in question does not deserve to be a teacher.
The above is by order of Godric Gryffindor.
God bless that man.
((New user of Recording Spell detected))
((New user of Recording Spell detected))
So which part did you get up to?
((Reading sounds detected))
No fair! You did the school rules bit without us!
I wouldn't have had to if the two of you hadn't started to playing that game.
What game?
People call it different things. Some call it kissing, some call it snogging, others call it making out. I prefer to call it: 'The Game Where James Attempts To Get His Tongue As Far Down Lily's Throat As Humanly Possible, And Vice Versa.' Anyway… James, how did you get up here without the alarm going off?
Look at what I'm sitting on.
((Realization detected))
Oh…
So long as I don't touch anything, and stay on my broom, it'll be fine.
Hey, Mel, what do you have against Sirius anyway?
...That was random. What do you mean?
Well, I was just reading this, and you keep calling him Black for one thing.
Force of habit.
Unforce yourself then.
Why would I do that? Furthermore, why would I want to do that?
Because it's polite.
So? Since when have I ever been polite to Black?
You used to be, until he asked you out in fifth year.
Was that after the summer when you… really... grew up?
No need to be so prudish, dearest captain. Yes, it was after the summer when I got boobs.
What happened there anyway?
…I hit puberty. My figure filled out. Especially, and unfortunately, my chest.
There are many people that would disagree with that.
You trying to say something, James? Because your girlfriend - and my best friend - is sitting right next to me.
Shut up. You know what I mean.
((Impatience detected))
So what happened between you and Sirius?
Nothing. I just decided that Black was an arrogant jerk, too bigheaded, and deserved to be hexed repeatedly. So I turned him down. That was before the unfortunate comment he made about my breasts, after which I really did hex him repeatedly.
Sounds familiar.
You and me, you mean?
Yeah, but look what happened there.
Never regretted it since.
Because I'm so hot and adorable, right?
...Partly. There's a lot of other reasons too, you know.
I love you.
I love you too.
((Kissing sounds detected))
((Sighing detected))
Can you two go just ten minutes without sticking your tongues down each other's throats?
We could try, but I doubt we'd succeed.
Ditto.
So what's your problem with Padfoot, anyway?
I just told you!
I meant your real problem.
Oh, would you look at the time. I have a date to get to. Bye!
((User 2 removes self))
((Grinning detected))
Denial is not just a river in Egypt.
Agreed.
So, what did we get up to… ah, yes. Professor, as you will now know, if students choose to boycott your Muggle Studies class for over two weeks, then you will be left without salary. If it's over two months… guess what? You're fired.
As Head students, and myself as a Marauder, we have a very good influence over the school. The boys and I have already convinced around two hundred students to sign the petition, so I would think it'd be pretty easy to get your classes down to five and less for two months, don't you?
Besides which, students would jump at the chance to boycott lessons and get the teacher fired. This is why we haven't yet broadcasted this information to the majority of the student body. It's very powerful information, you know.
On a slightly different topic, weren't those pictures of 'Mrs' Professor H just adorable?
Oh yes. Red is like, so your colour.
((Evil laughter detected))
So in conclusion, reason three basically says that if you don't give in soon, in around two months' time you'll be packing your bags, and we'll be saying bye-bye. Your choice, Professor H.
We can start boycotting tomorrow, if you want. Word can get around pretty fast if you just know the right people.
The Hogwarts gossip grapevine is amazing, don't you think? Pretty soon, many people will have a free period, and pretty soon after that, you'll be gone. 'Til next time. C'mon, James, we have a date to make. And you still have to tell me why you should be able to punch Mel's date.
((User 1 removes self))
Just so you know, Professor, it's very amusing to see Lily all riled up about not getting what she wants, for once. I'm not stopping until I have to, so don't worry, you won't lose your job just yet… I'll keep your classes at six students.
((Smirking detected))
((User removes self))
That was so much fun to write… I loved it. There isn't much to say here except for that… hopefully you all know what to do here.