Disclaimer: Same old, same old

Author's Note: Sorry the update wasn't within a week; I got this up as soon as I could. As ever, thanks to those that reviewed! I don't have a lot to say, except to those that are curious, I am currently revising the newest chapter of The Idiocy Of Some People. I will post it as soon as I've finished revising previous chapters too – shouldn't be too long; I'm up to chapter 40-something already. Next week or two, hopefully.

This chapter has been written by:

Lily

Melissa

Kayla

Also note that unison speaking is in bold underline

Chapter 4

Reasons Why The World Needs Left-Handed Spiral-Bound Notebooks

By Lily Evans

With commentary from Melissa Taylor and Kayla Ferns

There is something wrong with this school.

Why?

And what specifically do you mean? Do you have a problem with the walls, the portraits, the ghosts, the students, the lessons, the bad weather, the absence of a heating system, the house-elf slavery, the teachers…

Honey, there's always something wrong with the teachers.

True… no offence, Professor H.

…We'll assume you said 'none taken' here.

Far from it being me insulting many, many people, I will have to say… drumroll…

((Drumming sound detected))

The students.

((Silence detected))

…Elaborate, please.

You know the last reason we wrote?

Excuse me?

Fine, the last reason that you wrote, about us getting students to boycott Muggle Studies lessons?

What about it?

Nobody's been doing it.

Sure they have.

Yeah, haven't you seen the amount of people that are rejoicing about their free lessons? Silently, so that the teachers won't suspect anything, but still?

And I think you forget, my little left-handed chum, that we ourselves are just a few of those many, many people that have done as you wished and boycotted Muggle Studies?

Well, apparently not enough people have been boycotting for Professor H to be fired. Or even to have his pay docked.

…Oh. Never mind.

Yeah, don't worry about it. Leave it to us. We'll sort it out.

I'm afraid of what you two might do, so I feel it is my duty as Head Girl and your best friend to ask you two what you plan on doing.

We're not. At least, not personally. We plan on asking the boys to.

Exactly. Life never closes a door without opening a window, yada yada… moving on, what reason did you come up with this time?

Oh, of course. Well, Professor, seeing that our last three reasons have not managed to sway you, here is another that we have come up with. Now, as you know, most of the students and some of the staff have really gotten onboard this campaign.

We have some seriously huge support. Without threatening or blackmailing anyone, may I add.

I'm quite proud of that.

Me too. So, this brings us to:

4. We have a very large number of supporters that are pretty much willing to do anything we tell them.

Read on and we'll tell you more about what we mean.

Don't tell them this, but most of our little supporters are pretty dense. They can't seem to think of things for themselves.

We'll prove it. Watch – or read – this.

((Whistling detected))

Hey, kid! Yeah, you over there! Run down to the kitchens and get me three bottles of Butterbeer!

Note that the fifth year – yes, fifth year – that Mel just yelled at has currently sped, at top speed, out of the common room, through the portrait hole, and most likely down to the kitchens.

Also note that the fifth year actually uttered the words: 'Yes, Ma'am,' before he started his marathon run.

There are two things wrong with that sentence. One: Do I look that old? I am not a ma'am! And two: I doubt it was a marathon run, at the speed he was going.

Oh, get over it, Mel. That just proves that you have authority.

Good point.

And what can we do with this authority (extra, in my case)… well, there are many things.

Lily already has James whipped. How else do you think she got him to help her so much? Aside from that fact that they're dating, I mean.

She realized how much sway he has over students at the school, and also realized that he would be very useful in this little campaign. Of course, it helps that he's sleeping with her too, making it all the more easier to get him to agree to help.

All it took were a few kisses and a pout.

Didn't she undo a few buttons on her blouse, too?

I don't think that Professor H wants to know about the… recreational activities that I get up to out of class.

Sure he does. You get up to a lot of fun recreational activities out of class, Lil. The Narcissa Black Pumpkin Incident was one.

The Rita Skeeter Oversized Facial Features Incident is another.

I knew that was you! How did you do it?

Kay! Don't be so rude!

Exactly. Thank you, Mel.

((Sincerity detected))

No problem. We'll start with why.

((Eye-rolling detected))

Should've known... what if I don't want to?

Well, we could tell Professor H a lot more of your 'recreational activities' out of class.

Hey, did you know that if any two students or members of staff are caught fornicating by three or more students in up to and including fourth year, or three or more members of staff, it's grounds for appropriate disciplinary action, up to and including suspension?

Did you just say 'fornicating'?

We see loads of people snogging everywhere all the time.

I can't believe that you used the word 'fornicating'.

Yeah, but nobody ever snitches. We could, if you want.

And I can't believe what great friends you are. Telling people about how James and I… well, you know.

We do know, unfortunately. All too well. And why fourth year, Mel?

Because fifth year and above are mature enough, but below that, it apparently poisons innocent minds.

Where are you getting this stuff from?

'Hogwarts School Of Witchcraft And Wizardry School Rules, Volume I.' It was written by the founders, so naturally, there's lots of old rules that seem bloody ridiculous but are hilariously funny in there. It was where I found the rule about the teachers and insufficient class numbers.

I want to see that book. Sounds… interesting.

I'll give it to you later. We can get Slytherins into detention with it. Anyway, Lil, you were going to tell us about the Rita Skeeter Incident?

I wasn't, but I will. But don't think of it as an incident… think of it as more of an appropriate disciplinary action by the Head Girl.

So what happened?

James and I were discussing some Head duties, and you know us, we get carried away when we're alone…

Unfortunately, we all have too clear memories of that. Please continue, andnever bring that up again.

Okay. So, anyway, James and I were making out on McGonagall's desk – please, never tell anyone that – and all of a sudden, he stops and tells me something that Sirius had told him the night before.

He stopped snogging you to talk about his best friend? Merlin, Lil, I told you that those four idiots spend too much time together. I'm telling you, they're gay.

Believe me, there is nothing wrong with James' sexuality. I should know, judging by certain… Anyway, what he told me had to do with you.

WHAT? What did he say?

You just questioned my boyfriend's sexuality, so I'm not telling you. But what did happen was, the Skeeter-cow overheard, and came into the room, asking questions and making up stuff. Even after we confiscated her Quick-Quotes Quill and the parchment that it had been writing on, she still wouldn't shut up about it…

How can putting an Engorgement Charm on her facial features possibly stop her?

It stops her from making sense when she's speaking. Nobody can take her seriously.

Nobody takes her seriously anyway.

Good point. But people probably would have believed this.

What? Believed what? What do you know?

Nothing, nothing… Kay, tell Professor H about what else we can get our lovely supporters to do.

Did you know that Sirius is currently making some oh-so-helpful comments about what we can do to convince you to give in? Like… he's telling us about the time that you got really, really drunk at a Slug Club Christmas party. On school grounds. I'm sure that our supporters would be more than happy to pass that down the grapevine.

Black just mentioned something about you… dancing shirtless on tables?

I remember that. Ah, memories.

I forgot that you used to go to those dinners. Why did you stop anyway?

Because it got boring, repetitive, and I found that I had better things to do with my time.

It took you five years to realize that?

Mel, do you want me to tell everyone about your secret crush on Si-

((Scrambling sound detected))

((Clapping sound detected))

((Muffled protests detected))

Mel, get off her. Lily, stop telling secrets. Both of you, grow up.

((Unison speaking from Users 1 and 2 detected))

Sorry, Mum.

((Sarcasm detected))

Anyway, we were saying about how we can pretty much get our 'supporters' to do whatever we want. This can include… hang on, let me ask the boys for some ideas. After all, this is what they're best at.

James wants me to say that they're good at Quidditch, too.

We know. Anyway, Remus mentioned something about writing to your mother, Professor, and inviting her in. And Lily, what did Sirius say to James that he told you about?

Nice try. Professor H, guess what? I saw your mother's picture in your file when James showed it to me! Isn't she the one with the massive perm, and wears fluorescent green leggings with yellow… oh.

Exactly. Embarrassing moments.

Sirius suggested a day of the Marauders' 'undivided attention'. And yes, he said it with air quotes and all.

Ooh… wouldn't want to be you right now, Professor.

It's your fault that they didn't do anything on April Fool's, Lil.

How is it my fault?

You were the one that told James that he should act like a responsible Head Boy.

So he did. And he stopped the others from pranking people on that day.

So naturally, the four of them have a lot of ideas that need to be let out. And you are their chosen test subject.

And we got the first year supporters to tip marbles outside the Slytherin common room entrance yesterday, remember? That was hilarious… I've never seen so many apparently 'smart' people trip over marbles, when it's so obvious that they're there.

The Slytherin seventh-years really aren't a bright bunch, are they?

There you go, Professor. Our supporters will quite literally do anything we tell them to.

Hey, there's that guy with our Butterbeer. Thanks, kid.

((Clinking sound detected))

((Fizzing sound detected))

…Is Butterbeer supposed to do that?

Yep. This is just a different type of Butterbeer than the one you're used to. Apparently this one, the house elves can drink and not get drunk on.

Because I could swear it doesn't give off butter-shaped bubbles.

Butter has a shape?

You know what I mean.

…I don't, actually.

So, anyway, we just wanted to say that we can pretty much get anyone in this school to egg you, prank you, throw things at you, yell at you, laugh at you, et cetera, until you give in. Because a girl can only have so much patience, you know, Professor.

((Unison speaking from Users 2 and 3 detected))

We know.

All too well. Lily doesn't have much patience… actually, as a matter of fact, neither do I. And there's only so long we can keep up this little charade for.

I like doing this. It's funny teasing teachers and getting away with it.

I think we've taken it one step over teasing by now, Kay. Trust me… I've gotten James to do far too much for it to just be simple teasing.

Is that him painting your toenails right now?

No fair! I want a boyfriend that will do that too!

…I'm sure that we can find you one.

((Smirking detected))

Okay, I've never seen you smirk before, Lil, and frankly, it's scaring me.

((Evil laughter detected))

You ain't seen nothin' yet, Mellie.

Number one, I'm sure I don't want to see what comes next. And number two, I hate being called Mellie.

Doesn't your mum call you Mellie?

And look what happened between me and Mum last time I went home for the holidays.

…point taken.

You know, you and Sirius are really similar. You both hate your families, you're both popular, you're both Quidditch players, and you both have an obsession with being independent from said families. You even look slightly similar. Same colour hair and everything.

Why must you both compare me to Sirius Black all the time?

We've done it twice, Mel, twice.

Plus we've finished the reason and thought we'd pick on you for a change.

((Grumbling detected))

((User 2 removes self))

((Evil cackling detected))

This should be interesting… so, Professor, I'm waiting for my notebooks, and I'd better get them soon, or you'll be prone to a lot of angry supporters and their pranks. I hate to resort to blackmail, but when you're desperate...

((User 1 removes self))

By the way, Professor, we – that is to say, the Marauders, Mel and I – will make sure that you stay safe and away from the pranks and troublemaking. We know when not to push it too far...

...plus, watching Lily furiously dictate to this piece of parchment every night is very amusing.

((Giggling detected))

((User removes self))

Thought I'd never finish that… but I had fun! Some of this rambles slightly, but I couldn't help it. I just had to put it in…

Looking forward to reading your reviews!