Readers,
I thank you for all your time and patience. After many hours of working by the moonlight and the frustration that had me many times wishing for a quill and parchmentI have done it. I have written all the way to Chapter 22 whichI now proudly present to you. Still I must warn you. The Gwendolyn story is not quite finished though I hope that you will continue to read. As always I must remind you that the Marauders and Raven do not belong to me... though I wish that they did because then I could afford to go to college without working two jobs... but that is another story and one you aren't really interested in hearing. So please... enjoy. Gwendolyn wishes you the best as well.
Angel

Chapter 18

"I'm coming with you…"As soon as the words were out of her mouth Gwen felt heat steal up the back of her neck.

"What?" Sirius asked.

He and the other boys had been sitting beside the fireplace. Remus was starting to look a bit pale and sick. And already he had skipped the first few classes.

"I… I said I'm coming with you." she looked into his silver eyes and then took a deep breath. "Tonight is the full moon. And I know you're going. I'm coming with you."

"Gwen you can't come. Around us Remus is calm enough but with you in human form… He might hurt you."

Her eyes went to the tiny scar that she knew was on her wrist. She and Remus had talked about it and agreed it would be safer for all that Sirius didn't know how she had gotten that scar. When he'd asked her about it she'd said that it had been an accident but she couldn't remember where she'd gotten it. At least the fist part was true…

She knew he meant the best but suddenly his attitude towards her sparked anger. "You're not the only one who can change, Padfoot." She said with a little bit of anger. She was still a little mad at him for not telling her right away. After all she had barred her soul to him… why couldn't he have tried to be as honest with her?

"Gwen…"

"I can change. I told you, I can change my size and bring my wings out. I'm coming.And that's the end of it, Sirius Black."

He growled almost like a dog and Gwen was again surprised that she hadn't seen it. The dog was so much a part of him. Turning away she started to march out of the common room. About halfway there she felt the anger fade and then stopped. Maybe she shouldn't have…

A hand grabbed her elbow and spun her around. Sirius' silver eyes glinted angrily in the room's light. "Fine! But you're sticking with me the entire way."

Anger the anger came. "Says you," she returned and yanking her arm away marched out of the common room past Raven and Lily. She didn't know where she was headed but at the moment anywhere but where she was sounded good.

Sirius watched Gwen stomp away and then looked over at Raven and Lily. Raven was frowning at him fiercely and Lily… Lily was subtler. Her fingers were busy with the quick work of knitting a scarf, she barely spared him a glance but in that one glance/ glare she said it all.

"Go after her, you idiot!"

Well… Sirius growled and then stomped out after her.

Gwen found her steps taking her and farther away from the Gryffindor common room until she reached the shores of the great lake. With a sigh she flopped down by the water and bowed her head for a second.

The anger she had felt towards Sirius had long drained away but now she just needed to take a moment and think. So much had happened since the day she had arrived at Hogwarts. And it was affecting her so much. She knew her powers were growing stronger but that also meant that she might not be able to control them.

But more importantly there was Sirius. As the days wore on they had become closer and Gwen knew that leaving was going to be a problem. When she had come to this school she hadn't really thought about what might happen if she actually met people who could be her friends…

Now they had become more than that… They had become family. And she didn't want to have to leave that behind.

"You're doing it again."

Gwen nearly jumped as Sirius walked up behind her. Turning she looked up at him for a moment. His eyes were still a bit distant as if he was mad at her but behind that he saw a small glimmer of something. Something she remembered.

"Doing what?"

"That serious thinking. You do that a lot, I notice." He plopped down on the grass beside her and then turned his face towards the lake."Think seriously."

"Well, how else can you think?"

"You can think about happy things."

"But what if you're thinking about really serious things? Things that need to be thought of? Things you can't get around because they're so serious."

"Think of something else. Or better yet. Don't think." He turned and smiled at her and Gwen smiled back.

"But I have to think, Sirius."

"What is it you have to think about?"

For a moment Gwen was quiet as she thought of leaving all over again. Her throat seemed to tighten and she had to force the words out. "I… have to think about leaving."

"Leaving?"

"Mother will be coming soon. She said she would."

Sirius frowned at her for a moment then looked back out at the lake. The sun was just setting on the horizon and for a moment all the night was still as they sat side-by-side just the two of them.

When Sirius broke the silence his voice was flat. "So that's it."

"What?"

He stood and stuck his hands into his pockets. "You're just giving up. No fight? No will to do what you want to do? You're just going to let her run over you and take you back to where you were. Why Gwen? I thought you were different…"

"I am! Don't you see? That's the problem! I'm different."

"No, you're not. Look at you, Gwen. You are the same as I am. As Remus, or Raven, or James or Lily. We're all the same. But you…you're just going to give up, to throw your towel in when it gets hard. And let them tell you what to do. Just like that." He snapped his fingers and Gwen stood up.

"No! But… Sirius, I am so scared of what's going to happen. I know she's going to come and… I really wished she wouldn't. I want to stay but I can't… I'm underage. I'm a misfit. The ministry won't look kindly upon me. If Dumbledore finds out… he'll have to send me back. And I don't want to leave. I want to stay. I want so badly to stay I…I almost wish I never came…"

At this confession she turned away and faced the lake, but Sirius' hands gently turned her to face him and look him in the face. "Why?"

"Then I wouldn't know… how…how wonderful this place is and I wouldn't… I wouldn't miss it. Or you… Because I'd never know… I almost wish…"

"God Gwen, don't you go back to that. Can't you see how much that Hogwarts has changed you? When you came you were scared of everything. Of yourself and your own decisions. You were scared of me and of this school. But now look at you. You don't cower away or nod your head in fright, agreeing with everything. You have learned so much. And not just about the magic, but about yourself also. Don't throw all that away. Don't give it up."

"But what can I do Sirius? It's…it's so hard to know…w-what I should do…"

"Life is hard. Life will always be hard. The thing is… You have to learn to face it. You have to learn to put down your foot and say for once, "This is my choice. This is my life."

"Is that what you did? Is that what you told your parents?" Again the night air was quiet and Gwen could almost see Sirius' back go ramrod straight. His eyes became hooded and the air around him seemed to almost freeze. "That's what I thought… Come on, it's late."

She turned and walked away from Sirius back towards the castle. Suddenly she became aware that Sirius wasn't following her. Pausing she turned to look back at him. He hadn't moved from his spot and for a moment Gwen saw his profile lit in the dying orange and red rays of the sun.

His silver eyes sparkled and Gwen sighed. Why can't things just work out? Turning she walked inside and then back up to the common room. As she slid into bed for the night and tried to get as much rest as she could before it was time to leave she found she couldn't sleep. Each time her mind kept slipping back to that moment of Sirius staring out to the waters of the lake.

Why couldn't I have kept my big mouth shut?

Sirius stared out at the water for a moment even as Gwen walked past him and back up into the castle. The colors of the sky changing slowly from the bright orange to red to purple to blue and then to the endless black ink of night. Among it the first stubborn stars began to appear and he watched them.

"Is that what you did? Is that what you told your parents?"

The words echoed in his head and damned him over and over again. Gwen was right. Why was it that the women in his life always had to be right?

"I thought so…"

Her eyes had dimmed then. She had wanted him to tell her that it was exactly what he had told his parents, to prove her wrong. That he had been practicing what he preached. Sirius looked up into the night sky and he found the star. The star around the galaxy he was named for. Sirius…

As it twinkled in the night sky he closed his eyes for a moment and made a wish… Please…please… just this once… give me the courage…