A short point-of-view -story. Zack tells us about the love of his life, and how the love cost him his life. Might spoil something if you haven´t played the game. Mentions of shounen-ai and sex between persons of the same sex. I don´t own Zack, Cloud or Sephiroth, nor Midgar, Junon or Nibelheim.

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The Cuckoo´s Nest.

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From the first moment I saw him I knew he was something special. Not just prettier than most girls, anyone could see that, and that he was shy as hell, quiet and with an attitude problem the size of Shinra HQ! No, I saw something else, too. That he was gonna be something, that he had the will to make something out of himself. That he needed someone to trust, someone to love him. And... I wanted to become that someone.

So I got to know him, you know. Found out which squadron he was in, when he trained and where, and started to train there, too. He was flippin´ fanatic about training, building his strength and skills. It was kind of funny, and kind of scary. I mean, the kid´s something like 15, right? Well I was 18, so who was I to talk, you think, but I´d seen a lot. I mean, I had seen war and stuff. Wait, I think I just answered my own question. He hasn´t seen any of that shit, so he thinks it´s cool and all. Like all other Soldier-wannabes...

Ok, I got distracted there. So I trained when he trained, saw him, and being my natural charming self, I soon got to know him. I got to know Cloud Strife. The Pretty Boy. Huge blue eyes, so full of rage towards just about anything. But later on I came to know his reasons for that. Bullied as a child, outcast all his life, practically no friends or family... hell, I´d be pretty pissed off myself. That hair... ok, mine´s pretty crazy, but I think his is even worse. Some of the guys actually held a vote that summer to determine once and for all which one of us has the stranger hair. It was almost a tie, but I think he won.

That summer... we met in the spring, or more like we became friends then. Just like I had done with Sephiroth, I managed to pry that shell of his open little by little, sneaking in a little bit of kindness and sunshine every time, and slowly he began to open up to me. By the end of June I had him laughing. The beginning of July... I thought he was mine. I sure as hell was his. Completely. Head over heels. Little pink hearts around my head. The whole works. L-O-V-E. The disease with no known medicine. And honestly... I really thought it was the same for him.

The first two weeks of July were our holiday weeks that summer. I arranged my schedule to match his, no one really minded. Seph was away then, he had been gone since late winter that year, on some far off campaign. Even though I missed the man, it meant that I could devote all my time and energy to Cloud. He really enjoyed the attention. He had changed so much during those short weeks you barely recognized him. Sure, he still had that attitude problem, but now he was more open, more stable. He laughed. And stood up for himself. No more being called Pretty Boy, at least to his face. Not if you wanted to keep all your teeth in your mouth. That did get him into trouble more than once, but nothing serious. The instructors knew the deal, knew that he was mostly just defending himself. They think that´s a good quality in a Soldier.

He came from Nibelheim, so he couldn´t really go home for the two weeks, it would have taken almost that to get there and back. So I got us a car and we headed off to Junon, just the two of us. After he got over the car sickness, the trip there went well. We got a room in a cheap motel, it was ok, we weren´t gonna sleep much anyway. I took him to the bars in town, taught him to drink. We found out the hard way that he does not have a good head for liqour. The kid needs some Mako in him, I thought, and told him he´d feel better soon. We went out to the beach, sunbathed and swam in the great blue sea. We took the car and went for small trip in the area, got a bit of training done in the forests. We joked around, talked shit and serious, you know. What you do on a a holiday with your best buddy. With the one you love more than anything.

I had to tell him, or my head would explode. So a week into the holiday, one evening, I just blurted it out.

"Cloud, I love you." I just said it. He looked at me, shocked at first. Then he blushed and turned away. But he was smiling, I could see that.

"I like you too, Zack..."

Yeah. he only said 'like', but to me, then and there, it was enough. He let me kiss him. The kissing led to other things, a lot of other things, and for the rest of the holiday we barely left the motel room. Gave the cleaning lady the scare of her life! That´ll teach her that 'Come back later' REALLY means 'COME BACK LATER!'

But ignoring having to give mouth to mouth to a cleaning lady, the holiday kicked ass. The summer was only reaching its peak when we had to return to Midgar and get to work. It was a really hot summer, but for two teenagers with wildly raging hormones, it could have been raining Mako and small chocobos and we wouldn´t have minded.

Every chance, every break we got, we were all over each other. Not so much sex as kissing like mad and other hanky-panky (shit, that sounded like my granny, heh). Hey, we lived in a barracks with about two thousand other men, we kinda had to tone it down a bit. But weekends... man. My neighbours, all of them, the guys above, below and on both sides were screaming for us to stop! And since I am a sick bastard that just got me going! You know what it´s like when you´re 18... there´s room for only one thought in your head! Well, maybe two, since food´s pretty good, too. And so are swords. But I digress (I´ve always wanted to say that, sounds so sophisticated!). In short, we had a healthy sex-life. And I really thought he was as mad about me as I was mad about him.

I really was.

I really loved him.

But autumn rolled in, and Sephiroth finally returned from his campaign. I was overjoyed to see him again, eager to introduce Cloud to him and him to Cloud. I couldn´t possibly know I´d end up regretting it for the rest of my life.

Like I said, I really thought Cloud loved me as much as I loved him. I think I´ve made that pretty clear. But he didn´t. That was made painfully clear to me the first time Sephiroth and Cloud met. Now THAT was love at first sight! They hit it off straight away! I mean, I knew they were alike, had the same kinda experiences on growing up and being shunned. Out of consideration for me, they tried to hide it, of course. They both loved me. Not just the way I would have liked.

The next ten weeks were the longest I´ve ever lived.

I knew they were falling more and more in love. Cloud was distancing himself from me. What could I do? I wanted for him to be happy. I wanted Sephiroth to be happy. Summons know they both deserved it.

But didn´t I deserve anything?

By the time the Nibelheim mission came up, Cloud and I weren´t having sex anymore. Not even kissing. Well, only as goodbye, hastily, on the cheek. We didn´t sneak away to meet between classes and duties. He sneaked away, even skipped classes to be with HIM. My best friend. I knew about it, and I think they knew that I knew. But no one said anything. I guess we were waiting for the opportune moment (another phrase that has a nice ring to it. But you never think it might be NOW). Some time when saying it out loud wouldn´t hurt so goddamn much we all knew it would. They loved me, I loved them. But they had something so special together... heh, I had toyed on the idea of a threesome, but... maybe sometime in the future.

But the Nibelheim mission took that future away. It took all the happy futures away from all of us. Sephiroth went nuts and fell into the pool of Mako, his body ran through with my Buster-sword in Cloud´s hands. He disappeared. Cloud and I, both hurt by Sephiroth, both bodily and in spirit, were taken captive by Hojo, the freaky scientist of Shinra. We were his guinea-pigs for the next five years.

Five excruciatingly LONG and horrible years. There wasn´t a day I didn´t think that death would be kinder, for both of us.

It was a bit easier to me, I hate to admit. I had a Soldier´s built, I had Mako in my veins. Cloud didn´t. Hojo did put the shit into him, but that almost killed him. I tried to keep us both sane by talking, telling him stories and pretending to have conversations with anyone from Miss Midgar to the janitor of Costa del Sol´s bar. Sometimes, we were allowed to be together for short periods of time. Even alone. I held him then and promised we´d both get out some day. We´d survive.

The thought of him kept me alive, and I kept him alive in turn.

When we finally got out, I had to carry him most of the time. He was in a coma of sorts. I decided to head to Midgar, I was sure I could get help for him there.

I never made it that far.

During the five years, Cloud hadn´t really spoken much. Oh, he screamed plenty. He called out to Sephiroth, and to me, too. He didn´t speak much during our escape, either. He babbled some nonsense most of the time he was even near consciousness. But I did most of the talking. I was used to that.

Three words he said to me, near the end. We were already in the mountains near Midgar. He´d just started to stay awake for longer periods only a few days earlier. We´d stopped so that I could catch my breath. I´ll never forget it...

He turned to me, looked me straight in the eye, for the first time in a loooong time. His eyes were so bright again, full of pain and sorrow, but so alive! I think I fell in love with him again, then. All the bitterness was washed away. I hated myself, truly hated myself for thinking it, but... Sephiroth was gone. Cloud was mine now, right?

And then he said those three little words to me.

I love you.

Now you´re thinking he said that, right? I was sure he´d say that when he opened his pretty little mouth that had been so passionate when it had been pressed against my lips. So hot around my manhood. So soft when caressing my skin.

I was ready to give everything I had to hear those three words from those lips. But the sad, sad truth is that when he parted those maddening lips I´d gotten used to, the words he whispered weren´t 'I love you'. I would have gladly and instantly offered those words back.

But what he said, what he said was

"I´m so sorry..."

Yeah? So was I.

AN: I wanted to continue the story until Zack died, but it wanted to end there.

This story is loosely based on a finnish song called Kaksi lensi yli käenpesän (Two flew over the cuckoo´s nest). That explains the name.

This story is dedicated to my dear Ancient (my first very own computer that bravely ran Win 3.11 with Write and Solitaire). I finished this on the last day of using it. After it I had two, yes, two hand-me-down computers. Now I finally have one that works.

Make my day and leave a review, you wonderful reader you:3