Feeling It

On the floor of the file room, Meredith is shaking violently with sobs. The damn holding her tears back had broken through, tears flooding from her eyes, nothing to plug up the deep wound in her heart.

"What have I done?" Meredith sobbed, leaning forward and putting her head in hands while rocking back an forth. She wished she had known, she wished she could turn back time and do things differently, she wished she let her friends help her when she needed them most. She thought of Derek, did he find out? Did h know she was going to have his baby? Does he know that she didn't even know she was pregnant? It's all my fault...

"What have I done!" Meredith sobs again, shaking feverishly, still sitting against the wall of the file room. She leans her head back, staring up at the ceiling, her eyes are bloodshot and she's got black rings under her eyes; showing the lack of sleep. Meredith slams her tiny ineffectual fists on the hard tile of the file room floor, letting out a long remorseful sob.

Fifteen minutes have passed. Meredith is now lying on the floor, scrunched up in a ball, her eyes are closed. Her sobs have stopped. Only tears trickle down her cheek; a silent stream. Meredith hears quiet footsteps but her eyes stay closed, like she would be invisible to the world that way. The footsteps seem to stop, like whoever it was, was looking around. They must have spotted her because the sound of the footsteps got closer. Whoever it is leans down in front of her, moving the hair out of her face with their index finger.

Dr. Burke scoops Meredith up in his arms, her head resting on the crook of his neck. She felt to shocked to move. Burke walked to the door, paused to make sure no one was around, and then carried Meredith to the nearest on-call room. Once in one, Burke closes the door with his elbow and walks over to a bed, placing Meredith gently on it.

"I...I didn't know." Meredith said softly, a tear traveling down her cheek and landing on the soft pillow. Burke just nodded. He wished she hadn't found out that way. But who would have had the guts to tell her?

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Five minutes later, Burke exits the on-call room Meredith occupies and shuts the door slowly so it doesn't slam. He pages Bailey, telling her that Meredith is unable to work at the moment, so that she can tell Dr. Reynolds. Burke had just sat at the other side of the room as Meredith cried herself to sleep. He wasn't sure how to comfort her, but he doesn't think there is actually a way in doing that. She has lost a baby for gods sake, and she is just finding out about it now.

"Dr. Burke!" Derek comes running up the hall. Burke turns around. "The chief has been paging you, you have a surgery in five minutes." He exclaims, leaning against the wall. Burke looks at the door behind him and looks uneasy, he doesn't want to Meredith alone, even though she is sleeping. Derek looks at him oddly.

"Pretend we aren't co-workers for five minutes." Dr. Burke says, getting ready to tell Derek about Meredith's current predicament.

"Okay, shoot."

"Meredith knew nothing of her pregnancy."

"She didn't?"

"No, I just found her on the floor of the file room. She was scrunched up on the floor, sobbing. Her personal file lying on the desk. She's found out about her Miscarriage."

"..." Derek didn't know what to say. He had wondered why Meredith hadn't been upset about it, and she didn't come to talk to him about it. Then again Meredith isn't one for talking about feelings. She just brushes them off like you would with a leave you found on your shoulder. "H..how is she?"

"She's sleeping." Burke says looking at the door. "But Derek, she will never be the same again."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Derek crept into the room and sat down beside Meredith. She wasn't sleeping, she was just staring at the white walls of the on-call room.

"I...I killed our baby..." she sobbed quietly, more to herself then Derek. Derek didn't say anything. He wanted to cry with her but all he did was lay down next to her, burying his head in her hair; a single tear fell from his eye as he rapped his arms around her reassuringly. They both fell sleep, morning the loss of the family they almost had.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Losing a child you never even knew you had is far more emotionally crippling then you could ever express. Derek tried to talk to her, but all Meredith did was look straight ahead, like she wasn't hearing anything, as if she was trapped inside her own world of despair...All he could do was hold her. For hours he would sit up in her bed with her, she would be in his lap as he cradled her. He would comb his fingers through her hair, trying to think of something he could say to her. But there was nothing he could have said. This sort of pain would stay with her forever. With every baby she'll lay eyes on, with every toddler walking along without a care in the world, will make her think of the little boy or girl she could have had. She blames this entirely on herself. Everyone told her it wasn't her fault, because she hadn't known. But in her mind she thought she knew better. If she hadn't been drinking so much she would have eventually realized her symptoms were because of pregnancy. Instead, she drowned her sorrow over her mother, Derek and the stress of being an intern, in Tequila. Of course she didn't think this rationally, because if she did, she wouldn't be carrying the weight of this on her shoulders.

It's been a week, Meredith has been given two months off. Not that that will be long enough to heal her broken heart. That will take a lifetime. Unfortunately, Meredith hasn't left her bed for anything except to use the bathroom and to take showers. Derek, and occasionally George or Izzie, bring her food up to her. Except on those rare occasions where Christina will. Today was one of those days where it's Izzie's turn, not that they fight over who does it, they all fight over who will so it's only fair to do it in turns, and like I said, it's Izzie's. Today Izzie has brought Meredith a bowl of chicken noodle soup and a peace of chocolate cake she made this morning. Izzie knocks on the door and then enters, as to announce her presences. Se sets the bowl and cake on a tray. Meredith stay's in her lying down position. She eats when Izzie leaves. Izzie sits down at the edge of the bed.

"I made you a chocolate cake..." Izzie says, knowing she wont get an answer. She knows Meredith is grateful for all the things she's been doing for her. "I made this one just for you, you should have seen the look on Georges face when he saw it...so I made him a batch of cupcakes...he loves them so much." Izzie says, laughing a little to herself. She looks down at Meredith, pats her butt and leaves.

Meredith closes her eyes for a moment or two and then turns over and sits up. She pulls tray onto her lap and breaths in the smell of the soup. She doesn't smile, she doesn't frown, just picks up her spoon and eats her soup. When most of the soup is gone she sets it aside and looks down at her cake. Izzie is so sweet to bake a whole cake just for her, and chocolate no less. Meredith smiles a small smile, but it quickly fades away. She takes a bite of the cake and sets it on her fork on the tray. She lifts the try and puts it back on the night stand.

She stares out te window from her bed, but she can't see anything. She slowly takes the covers off herself and gets up out of bed. She walks over to the window and looks out. It's a cloudy day and there are kids outside. They are splashing around in the puddles from the rain earlier today. Meredith just watches them. Suddenly all the kids stop and look off in one direction, Meredith does too. The kids' mother is standing on her front porch, a small baby at her hip. Meredith looks at the baby and then down at the floor. A tear rolls down her cheek. Meredith is feeling it, Feeling the loss of her baby, fully, for the first time.

I was getting all teary eyed myself as I wrote this. Did you?