Title: Comes From Nothing
Author: meganlynn
Rating:M for implied sex
Characters: Kara, Kara/Lee
Genre: Angst, Romance
Spoilers: Second half of season 2, but only mild speculations. I know spoilers, and this doesn't really follow anything.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything.
Summary: She hates that she can see him come apart at the seams.
She hates that she feels superior to him in any way. She hates that she's a better pilot and that that makes her special. But she thinks Lee is special and that the Cylons were wrong. She hates that she can see him come apart at the seams. She didn't know about Gianne. Doesn't want to know about her because she's dead and he doesn't want to think so but he knows better. She didn't know that Gianne was pregnant, and that Lee did.
Kara never thought about Lee with another girl at the time. She was with Zak and deliriously happy, blind to everything else. She knew Lee first, through flight school, they were friends, and with Zak around, they were brother and sister. Except they weren't. She didn't know anyone that was attracted to his or her brother. She never thought that she would ever want to be with Lee.
They were never best friends. They were friends until they had nothing else after the end of the world. Then they only had each other. But when Zak was alive, she did know that Lee didn't want children. That meant commitment, and he didn't want that. When she finally found out about Gianne, she was upset that she wasn't surprised, that she thought, "Of course."
Lee said to her today, "I love you. I didn't always, and I might hate you some days. But if something happens tomorrow, at least you know I do now."
The Old Man didn't know what it was, but Kara could see that his son's suffering was affecting him. After his oldest son died, but not, several times, he was at a loss of what to do. Kara didn't even know what to do, and what she wanted to do was out of the question. The Old Man wanted to protect his son, but now the opposite was expected, and Lee didn't question that anymore.
She wonders if Gianne had the baby. She knows now that if Gianne was alive and came to Lee, he would go. If the baby were alive, he would take care of her. If the baby was a girl. She doesn't like to think about it too much. Those thoughts sometimes make her glad that Gianne and her possible baby were on planet when the attacks happened. She frakking hates herself for that. She hates Lee for that too, because she knows he sometimes thinks the same thing.
He doesn't make sense anymore. "Kara, if you were pregnant right now, would you keep the baby? Would you stop protecting the fleet, wait a couple months, and have a child that you most likely would love more than anything? I was just wondering because I think you would. I have no reason to ask, it's just, I was wondering if you ever thought about it. I don't care who the father would be. I wouldn't want to know anyway, it wouldn't be me."
He didn't want to be alive, didn't want to be here. She couldn't think of a reason to make him want to live. Saying that he had her was inappropriate, and it was too obvious a lie. She didn't want to be the reason for his will to live. Except sometimes he was her will to keep going. If just to see him smile again.
She could see him going slowly insane. He didn't have a girl to keep him happy; after Billy died, Dee was too quiet when she wasn't in the CIC. She hates that she wished that Billy's death didn't matter. That all she cares is that Lee had someone to take care of him because she's too busy flying.
"Doc Cottle told me that I couldn't fly for a couple days. It's my dad's doing, but I don't care. I'm going to have to schedule you more often. I just wanted to make sure that was okay with you. I wish I knew what was happening tomorrow. But you should keep safe. Listen to the rain." He did that more often, talk nonsense.
The Old Man talked him again this morning. Yesterday he kept mentioning tomorrow, today, and she was scared. She hated that. Lee would never hurt himself, but he was unpredictable lately. When Ellen Tigh groped his ass, he turned to hit her, knowing who it was, and if Tigh hadn't been there, she would have a broken nose. He broke Baltar's wrist. When asked why Lee shrugged his shoulders and said he hated being ignored by quacks that talked to imaginary people. He told Kara in private that he kept having nightmares about when Zak was alive. He wouldn't tell her what happened, but they were bad. She frakking hated that she couldn't help him and didn't know what was happening to him.
He broke down in front of his father. He said he was sorry and that he didn't understand what was happening. He just wanted to rest. His father found a vacant room with a decent bed and took up residence. Nobody questioned why he gave up his quarters to Lee. Nobody understood. Kara did. Lee respected his father again, that morning he told his father that he was sorry and that he loved him. Giving Lee his quarters was his way of protecting him. His way of saying he was safe.
He smiled again. "I get to fly today. I didn't think that would make me happy, but it does. I know now Kara. I get it. I think I really would have off-ed myself if I knew I would never fly again."
He looked at her, knowing that he made poor choice with his words. But his smile told her that he never once thought about killing himself. He told her later that he wanted to take her on a date. He blushed like he was twelve. She said no, and told him to ask again later. He knew it was because he was nervous. She wanted him to be sure.
The next time, he didn't ask. He came up to her and kissed her. He gripped her underneath her breasts and was more gentle in his kiss than his touch was. She grabbed his shoulders and pushed him so that she could look at his face. He shook his hand and said they won't go away. When she moved her lips to ask what, he kissed her again, hard.
Stopping to take in a shaky breath, he leaned against her, lucky the wall was there. Forehead against hers, he said the nightmares just won't stop. He's fine, his behavior isn't erratic anymore, but the nightmares won't stop. He wants her to take them away. She asks if it's still just Zak and he nods his head. It always is.
Knowing that the Old Man is on duty in the CIC, she takes him to the vacant room that his father once occupied. He doesn't sleep there anymore, but Lee does and if Adama saw her taking Lee there, he would ask too many questions. She laid Lee down, making sure he was fully on the bed. She climbed on top of him, like she was going to frak him.
He looked up at her, knowing she wasn't going to do anything. He grabbed her wrists, yanking her down to him. Flipping her onto her back, legs suddenly tangled, he wrapped his arms around her. Burying his head in her neck, trying to find something to hold on to, she snapped. She gripped him as tightly as he did her.
Neither of them expected anything, but she wasn't surprised when Lee started to kiss her neck. He still wants her, after everything he went through and all that she's been through; they still can't get over it. She inexplicably remembers Colonial Day. She wonders if he would have frakked her that night. She hopes not, because she wouldn't love him today. They would have screwed it up more than likely, and she wouldn't love him. He wouldn't want her today. He wouldn't think about the future, if she would ever wear a ring that he gave her and never take it off. He still never thought about children. She didn't either.
Knowing that they were going to frak no matter what, she set the pace. It was a leisurely pace, taking her time because Lee still had plenty of time off, even though he got to fly that day. She has a couple hours, because the Old Man still can't bear to leave Lee alone. She didn't think she would ever want to, but she needs to make love to Lee, craves for him to touch her like she'll break, lose the control that's slipped already. He keeps trying to speed things up, and she laughs every time he lets out a sigh of frustration. It's a role reversal that she relishes.
"I want you to know, Lee, that I love you. You said it first, you were so earnest, and you meant everything you've ever said to me. I almost always lied, hiding things that I was too embarrassed to have you know. I'm not ashamed anymore. Your nightmares stopped and you thanked me. I stopped thinking about leaving you behind because I needed you beside me. I don't hate you for loving me, I frakking love that you do. I'm a possessive person. Just a heads up."
She tells him this when he was sleeping. Before he went to sleep, after she frakked him, she told him that she would be more careful when they fought Cylons. He didn't need to hear that she loved him, this was all he needed to hear. Just before he woke up, she figured that she would tell him that she loved him again when he died. She hated thinking about it, hated herself for feeling that she knew he would go first.
When Lee loses someone he loves, he keeps to himself, let's it build up to explode like he did not so long ago. When Kara loses someone she loves, she gains focus. Focus on one goal. Destroy what took that away from her. It's why she let her mother beat her when her father left, tried to drink as much ambrosia as possible before Adama took her away. It's why she would stop at nothing to kill every last Cylon when Lee dies. Because that would be the only explanation for his death. She wouldn't allow anything less.