A/N: WHY IS THIS SO AWESOME. I now have the ability to write Japanese on this computer. No words can describe how I feel. Oh, and this is a parody. In case anyone missed that--PARODY. I promise I write better than this. Ahahaha. But I had fun writing this piece of crack, since this week was so stressful and shit.
Disclaimer: 犬やしゃを持っていない。(See that? Ohmygosh, SO FRICKIN' COOL.)
It Takes One Moment
Nghi
Inuyasha wasn't certain if Kagome knew that today was slightly... odd. After all, he thought as he squatted on a rather tenuous-looking branch, she had been humming and flouncing and making ramen all day. Not once did she open her mouth and utter the "word" that had been the bane of his existence ever since the two had met.
Currently they were sitting under the Goshinboku tree--well, she was, anyways. He was actually sitting on top of the tree, but it wasn't really that either because he was really sitting underneath the leaves of the tree, so technically he was also sitting underneath the Goshinboku. But it wasn't on the ground like she was or anything--he was on the branch which had been stated some paragraph ago, so--
OK, let's just say they were at the Goshinboku area. Whether he admitted it or not, Inuyasha had a soft spot for that old lugger of a tree. Any other sane person would feel the need to call up a cruel, unloving corporation and demand the deforestation (Is that even a word?) of the hellish piece of bark that had confined him to 50 years of excessive beauty sleep. But not Inuyasha--absolutely not! Who cares that his ex-lover-now-gone-clay had pinned him there with the intention of eternal death? Who cares that he woke up with the arrow still stuck in his heart? Who cares that he was almost squished to death because some caterpillar exposed to radiation had a crack addiction to the Shikon no Tama?
The point was, it was a tree, and like any sensible person out there, Inuyasha had a loving spot for it. But no way in hell was he going to admit that to anyone!
So anyways, the story. Yes, yes, the story. Kagome acting weirdly, check. Inuyasha suspicious, check. Oh, right--so he sat there on the tenuous-looking branch, looking down as she effortlessly built a fire from scratch. "Amazing," he mumbled, and not so half-heartedly, either. Inuyasha always gave out those sort of manly compliments.
"Thanks!" Kagome responded cheerfully, setting to work on the ramen cup. "I learned it during my Girl Scout years." And all you non-believers out there, don't you go and tell me Girl Scouts haven't dominated the world's global market when they're selling those cookies. Have you tried the Simoas/Semoas/Shimas/whatever the hell they're called? Coconut and chocolate and caramel in the middle? I like them all, actually. Thin Mints are also pretty good, too.
Right, story. Not cookies. Story.
"You're stupid!" Inuyasha yelled angrily, his mouth curled into a snarl. He turned away from her and hopped onto another branch, one where he wouldn't have to look at her fat, ugly, stupid, retarded, demented, deformed, gross, vile, unbeautiful face. She was so normal-looking that it pissed him off to no end. Why he was suddenly irked, he didn't know--what he did know, though, was that he needed black nail polish, now. "Do you have nail polish?" he asked from behind the tree, not wanting to look at Kagome's four-out-of-ten face. "I need some me-time."
"I thought you wanted some ramen?" she asked nonchalantly.
Inuyasha began to cry. "Just give me the frickin' nail polish, you whore," he managed to say without giving his real feelings away. "Nail. Polish." He was shuddering from keeping in all the overwhelming feelings. It was an emo day, after all.
"All right." Kagome was unaware that he was crying, but that was all right, because everyone knows she only had two brain cells to begin with. She opened the yellow duffel bag and looked through its content. "I've got red, pink, purple, and green. What colors do you want?"
"Do you have any black?"
"Uh... no, sorry."
Inuyasha peeked out from behind the trunk, his eyes rimmed with red. "I know you have it, bitch," he whispered, glaring down on top of her head. "I saw it in your room!"
"Oh, that one? It was really gross and was all goopy and stuff. So I threw it away."
He wailed out loud in anguish. The horror! The black nail polish. With that, he leapt out of the Goshinboku tree and headed for another tree, preferably fifty miles away so no one could hear his sobs and his horrible life that twisted horribly somewhere along the way. First his lover dies, then he transitioned from suspicious to emo, and now this! Inuyasha ran through the trees... no, wait, not ran through, since he didn't die yet. He ran on top of the trees--no, that just sounds very Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. How about--he ran past the trees? Ooh, that sounds very nice.
So Inuyasha ran past the trees, the branches scraping at his little fire rat kimono thing. But it didn't hurt him--things rarely hurt him physically. But those Disney movies were an entirely different playing field.
As the saying goes, sticks and stones can't break his bones, but words are like bumblebees--they sting, they really do.
Meanwhile, Kagome had migrated from the Goshinboku tree to Kaede's hut, where everyone was. Because no one else needed fresh air or food or socializing or new clothes. No one cares about them, either--you've already established the main characters, so why would you need anyone else?
"Hello, everyone!" Kagome greeted as she stepped through the doorway.
"Good morning, Kagome!" everyone said.
"So what's new, everyone?" she threw her bag near the floor and plopped down on the floor.
"Nothing much," everyone responded, looking dejected. "We're just entertaining ourselves with the fire."
"Is it much fun?"
"No," everyone replied.
"All right. I'm going to go home now." She got up, dusted her green skirt, and was out of the hut. The obligatory thirty-second mingling among other group members were done, and it was time to go home and do some other menial thing, like homework and socializing with the other group members on the other side of the well. My, my, what a busy life Kagome led.
"Come back soon, Kagome!" everyone said to her retreating back. "We can't survive without your essence!"
She walked to the well through some path into the woods, and then the old, rickety well appeared. That was redundant, wasn't it? Well, anyways, it was square and unusual of a well, because most wells were round and stone and circular. Or the ones that I've seen, anyways, and that isn't really accounting for much. Despite the fact that one day she could literally crack her skull or seriously hurt herself somewhere along the way, Kagome climbed onto the ledge of the unstable, little thing, stretched her arms a bit, and nose-dived. As in head-first. As in legs in the air for last. As in you're-so-dead-meat-if-you're-not-magical.
But alas, she was a special person, and she was magical, and Kagome effortlessly landed on the other side. Somehow, along the .03294 seconds it took to time travel through 500 years of history, she had somersaulted. "Mom! Grandpa! Souta! I'm home!"
All three walked out with one body. As in one body, three heads. It was a hereditary condition, and Kagome would've been among one of the heads crowded at the shoulders. But there were a few reasons why it didn't happen:
a. Kagome was special.
b. Inuyasha can't fall in love with the entire family.
c. Imagine what the obligatory sex scene must be like.
d. Like I said, you already have the major characters, why bother with the rest of them? You might as well lump them together to promote efficiency.
So that was that.
Meanwhile, back in Feudal Era, Inuyasha had stopped moping over the loss of some very good emo time, but he wasn't done being angry yet. He didn't know exactly what it was, but this entire day was pissing him off to no end. He thought of all the times Kagome had been nice to him, had given him food, had healed his tortured, little heart, had warmed up to him a little bit, and he to her, and all the subtly fuzzy scenes that had slipped in there along the way, and he got very angry.
"That bitch! She's toying with my emotions!" he snarled angrily into the air. Inuyasha was snarling a lot today. But the point remains that he was suddenly filled with more anger than before, and he slashed at the bark of the tree viciously. "Kagome, you will pay for your actions!" What actions exactly, he did not know. After all, she had only been kind and nurturing to hiarrrg;aosodfhhhuggghasssooaosdfasldflgjpmflpas.
Purple streaks jagged at his jaw line, and his eyes turned a bloodshot red. Not that anyone could tell the difference, since that was how bloodshot his eyes were from crying. He made more weird noises for a little bit and practiced his extended nails on a bark. It easily sliced the bark like marshmallows, and he satisfied.
Oh yeah, and it was the day of the full moon. But it was only in the afternoon...
Well, an lunar eclipse was about to happen, so the full moon and the sun appeared in the sky at the same time. There, now stop haggling me about the unimportant details.
More meanwhileness, Kagome finished 30 seconds with her family, who all began to argue amongst themselves over which task to do first (Homework? Sweeping? Cooking?). She went upstairs, kicked Buyo a bit, got the rest of her textbooks, and was already running back to the well. All of this took approximately fifty minutes, because she kept stopping to see if her mother had redecorated anything (She hadn't.). By the time she had everything and stepped out through the back door, Kagome's three cronies were there. Or friends, whatever. "Kagome!" they cheered in unison. They were like a caffeinated squad of cheerleaders that had just changed Energizer batteries. "Sowhat'suphowareyoufineIhopesoguesswhatweneedtogoseeamoviebecausethat'swhatfriendsdoandohmyGodbutHojototallylovesyouinthatway!"
Being the jellyfish that she was for friends and families, Kagome had to do it. I'll come back for Inuyasha later, she thought, but first, I have to see that awesome new English movie that I totally don't understand because I'm too busy fighting demons and hell spawns to sit down and properly recite some English vocabulary!
Back in the 1600's... or 1500's... or was it the 1400's? Well, either way, back in those ancient times without plumbing, Inuyasha killed everyone. The old lady, the fox kid, the pervert, the exterminator all fell, lifeless to the floor. They had no time to resist him because they were roasting Kagome's marshmallows around the hut's fire, all disarmed and vulnerable. There was a lot of blood, too. I think one of them, the pervert, tried to put up a fight, but he was no match for Inuyasha's tricep-fueled backhand.
After all the decapitating and strangles and blood spatters, Inuyasha felt it was time to procreate and have miko-demon human babies. You know, to carry on his legacy. Or something.
Fast forward three days later (The movie was Gone with the Wind.), Kagome and Co. stumbled out of the movie theaters, disheveled and a little groggy. Eye crusts were a gross thing and should never be mentioned on the heroine--actually, it should never be mentioned, period. But this was different--this story is a realistic depiction of events that could literally happen in the anime/manga world, so I feel it is necessary to be as detailed as possible.
Eye crust: White. Irritating. Makes your skin look dry. Hurts when you try to rub it away. Makes your eyes red.
So yes, that's what they all had. Waving a small goodbye to her friends, Kagome stumbled all the way home and up into her shower. She weakly acknowledged her family members waving a hand at her.
And uh... Inuyasha was there-uh, with... um, handcuffs. Yeah. Handcuffs, which he found from somewhere. And... uh, stuff happens. Yeah. Stuff. Like, major stuff. A lot of major stuff. That involved sizzling and crackling and red beams and swords and other bright lights.
Well, fast forward a few hours later, and the two were dressed. Inuyasha was back to normal, coming down a few super stages, and Kagome was dressed in her pajamas.
"I'm pregnant," she whispered, her eyes welling up with tears.
"It's not mine!" Inuyasha immediately denied, and Kagome burst into frantic sobbing.
Blahblahblah, some more stuff happens, blahblahblah, Inuyasha lies about what happens to everyone, blahblahblah, they grow closer together, and then one day Kagome went into labor. Of course, having a baby isn't difficult at all. No sirree! It's all peaches and cream from here! The baby just popped out like some kind of toast out of a preheated toaster, and that was the end of that. No need for physical labor, the pushing of the baby, the placenta being pumped out, and other medical terms of the way of life. That's too gross, man.
The baby had dog ears, and Inuyasha began to cry. "It's my baby," he whimpered in a corner, forgetting that Kagome was still in the room and still exhausted and could still hear him. The doctors were standing around the baby, puzzled as to how someone could have dog ears for ears. It was impossible. The baby was naked as a day, and his ears were working properly... they were just anatomically misplaced. How was that possible? "Maybe it's extraterrestrial life," one of the assistants whispered. They all looked over at the teenaged mother, their eyes slowly shining with awe and respect. "We should call the research department to look into this!" the same assistant whispered. As if you couldn't tell, he was one of the naturally brighter ones. But we all know that with knowledge comes corruption. And more motives. He wanted money and fame for being the first one to introduce a Japanese alien into the world.
Fast forward a year later, when the two decided to move in together in a run-down apartment and support the baby, and Kagome found out what really happened to everyone; they were all maimed by Inuyasha during one of his fits. She burst into more tears and demanded to know where their remains are. Inuyasha glared at her. "Shut up, hag," he spat venomously. "I have to work to support the baby now, since your incompetent of a family can't do anything around here! Where the hell do you get off, trying to make me the bad guy here, huh?"
"But you are the bad guy!" she sobbed mercilessly. "You destroyed all I ever loved! My friends! My life! My virginity!"
"Who pooped the baby out?" he demanded. "And you wanted me all along, anyways!" It was totally out of character for him to say something like that, but I'm determined to fit all aspects of his personality into one story. Here's what his personality timeline looks thus far:
IC - Emo - Anger - Ruination - Hardworking - entering Cockiness/Playboy/Manho
"You're always going to bars and strip clubs!" Kagome screamed at his back. "You're never here with me and Strawberry!"
"It's not my fault our kid's a fruit!"
"He's not a fruit--he's a human. He's just got a wonderful name."
"Fuck this," Inuyasha growled, putting on his shoes again. "I'm leaving."
"For the strip bar, right?" Kagome spat venomously. She was bordering on hissy fit. Oh yeah, and here's her personality timeline, too:
IC - ditz - ditz - ditz - ditz - submissive - crybaby - weak
"None of your business!" Inuyasha roared, stomping towards the door. She followed behind, bustling angrily.
"It is, too! You're going to go and meet that-that Spanking Sparky woman, aren't you?"
"Her name's not Spanking Sparky, you dumb bitch! It's Elijah."
In her state of frenzy, she began to beat at his back with her hand, cursing at him. A lot of beeping and bleeps and shit occurred, and Inuyasha has had enough. He turned around and pushed her. But he was strong, and it sent her flying against the wall with a dull thump. Strawberry began to cry, and Kagome looked frightened for one moment. Inuyasha did, too, and for a few seconds it looked like the fiction might buckle down and realize the seriousness of what had just happened.
Update of personality timeline:
IC - Emo - Anger - Ruination - Hardworking - Cockiness/Playboy/Manho - Violence
(Up next: Jealousy!)
"It's all your fault for making me do this!" Inuyasha screamed conventionally before running out of the door. Let's add drama queen to the pile, too. Kagome was stunned--her back was sore a little bit, but it wasn't anything she could handle. But now she was fearing for her life. Inuyasha had a side mistress named Spanking Sparky, and he was taking to violence rather well. The only conclusion is that she and Strawberry were not safe, and they needed to find shelter. Fast.
Bounding up the stairs by two and three, Kagome bundled together a few of her necessities and scooped up Strawberry from the cradle. "Oh, little boy," she cooed at the sleeping face. "We're going to go somewhere where that violent father of yours can't touch us, OK?"
Zipping up her bag (Oh, and by the way, she dropped out of high school.) and throwing a blanket over her shoulder, Kagome looked around the room and felt her eyes water up again. More crying, wah wah wah, and afterwards, she felt so much better. This was for the best, she decided, even if secretly she did love the bipolar man all along, this love was just too dangerous. Her heart was breaking in front of him, and she had no choice left. "Goodbye, Inuyasha, my mysterious Tuxedo Mask. With dangerous tendencies. And anatomically impossible ears."
She turned around, ready to steal out into the middle of the afternoon when there was a knock on the second door window. Turning around, Kagome expected a bird, but instead, it was Sesshoumaru.
On a cloud.
"Oh gosh, even though you tried to kill me once, what are you doing here?" Kagome added the unnecessary clause at the beginning of the sentence after she opened the window.
"This Sesshoumaru has fallen in love with you and wishes to marry you," the big full-blooded demon said imperiously as he could while standing on a puff of cirrus. "Will you marry this honorable demon?" he stretched out his hand and looked imploring into her eyes. Well, it wasn't exactly imploring--more like a cold fish. But it was as imploring as his face could manage, rest assured.
"Ohyes!" Kagome answered without a moment's hesitation and leapt into his arms. Strawberry was... somewhere. I think on the bed next to the luggage. "I will marry you!"
"But you forget you are married to my brother," he pointed out pointedly. It was rather nice of him to point that out after he proposed to her, wasn't it? "How will you resolve that?"
"We're going to go back 500 years, where none of this can happen, because I'm going to live in the past forever and ever, and he's going to live in the future forever and ever." Wow, that really was logical, for once. Because if you married someone in the future and then went back in time 500 years ago to marry another person, technically it never would've happened, because you've gone back before the marriage ever happens, and it couldn't exist anymore. The law of physics could be so useful sometimes!
So they did that. And they had half-demon babies. All of them grew up with moons on their head, though, and Kagome never quite liked it. They grew into old age, and Rin was there, but she married Jaken because the two realized they could get along quite famously in old age. Rest assured, fellow people out there who have made it this far, Rin was like, 46 when Jaken proposed the two be married. And if you're going 'ewww', just think about Inuyasha and Kagome. She was what, 15 when she had a baby? And Inuyasha was definitely 75 years old. And don't even give me the whole "Rin and Jaken literally are incompatible" theory because Kagome and Inuyasha aren't from the same species either, now are they? So if you want to play by scientific terms, then we're going to have to look at hybrid inviability and gamete receptor cells and all that nice stuff.
So anyways. Aside from my unnecessary justification, Inuyasha finally found out what happened to his wife 23 years, five months, thirty days, two hours, and three minutes later. "She's with my bastard brother Sesshoumaru!" he seethed and set off to find them in the past. Of course, now that he was traveling back 500 years, the marriage was back on again because the two were now in the same dimension. Ugh, time confuses me.
He ran to the castle where Sesshoumaru lived because the man decided he didn't want to be a rogue anymore, but an architect instead to help support his family's 41 children. He was deciding whether the color eggshell or crème would look better in the dining room when Inuyasha burst through the wall with Tetsusaiga in hand. "Where is she?" he snarled.
The Shikon no Tama is a ball that has a lot of magic in it. In the right hands, it glows and shakes a lot, and it spurts out a lot of light and power. If you eat a part of the ball, you might as well be Superman, because you've got some funky stuff/shit going inside you. You can't digest the part of the ball, but you can certainly utilize its power. If you grip it the right way, I mean.
"You mean my wife Kagome?" Sesshoumaru asked eloquently. "I like this one best."
"Yeah! No! She's mine!"
"Too bad!" Sesshoumaru easily lost his cool and turned around, his eyes sparkling crazily. "You left her for Spanking Sparky--"
"Her name's Elijah!"
"And you left Kagome bruised and battered. But I picked her up and put her back onto the shelf, in her little porcelain glass case. She is a doll that should be treated as such, and all you've managed to do was batter her and stick needles into her like some common rag."
Inuyasha faltered. Perhaps he had been taking advantage of her...?
Sesshoumaru looked at his brother and seized the opportunity of the vulnerability. "Be a man. Do the right thing," he said softly, all calculating-ish. "Let me have her. You can live your freedom, and I can produce as many disgusting youkai heirs as I want. We all win." Feeling rather smug with himself, he turned around to pick the colors for the furniture.
Inuyasha promptly lopped off his left shoulder. Sesshoumaru's left shoulder, I mean, not his shoulder. As in not Inuyasha's shoulder, but Sesshoumaru's left shoulder. He lopped it off.
"Augh! Pain! Misery! Ruination!" Sesshoumaru hissed, clutching at his spurting socket. "You will pay for that!" He took out Inuyasha's right eye.
"Fuck! You'll pay for that!" There went Sesshoumaru's long, silvery hair--no, wait, there went Inuyasha right leg.
It was a bloody and gruesome fight, but at the end, Inuyasha won because once again, he was the major character, and what do you need supporting characters for? Sesshoumaru was in a bloody mess that I don't care to describe because it's so late right now, and Inuyasha felt like he had won an important battle.
Kagome poked her head into the living room. "Dear, did you want some ohmyGod!" Her husband was everywhere on the floor, and who did this? Oh, wait it was--
The color drained from her face as she realized it was her ex-husband from the future who had traveled back and redeemed his husband status. "I love you, Kagome, and I'm sorry for treating you like crap," Inuyasha rushed, looking at her with pleading eyes. "Will you forgive me?"
It took two seconds to forget all the heartache he had yanked her through, and Kagome nodded delightfully. "Yes! I love you, too! And I forgive you, also! The past is history! Forgive and forget!" She ran into his arms, and the two fell into a deep embrace. It was just like how true love was meant to be: perfect.
Except for the 42 children now crowding around their father and crying, Inuyasha missing several key body parts, and blood damning the French carpet for good. Souta-Grandpa-Mom never met their daughter again, the scientists never got to see the anatomically-deformed baby, and everyone went on with their lives.
Damn, I'm good at wrapping up stories.
Owari