Disclaimer: I own nothing
A/N: I was devoured by the Plot Bunnies writing this. Dastardly fellows. Abusing Frank and Alice's characters yet again in this one shot (not in a sexual way, of course!...and that will be my only joke of this authors note!) Please review.
The Tea Girl
James Potter had finally done it. He had succeeded! He had finally achieved his lifetime goal of three agonising years of Hogwarts.
He could successfully fasten up his fly without getting his tallywhacker caught in the zipper of his jeans.
...Oh, and he had scored a date with the legendary Lily Evans. That was pretty amazing too.
He didn't know how exactly he'd gotten Lily to agree to go out with him. Maybe it had been the rain pouring down that night he had asked her, as they both overlooked the moonlight glow of the Great Lake.
Lily had only wished for a brief walk of the Hogwarts grounds for fresh air, and wasn't especially pleased when she looked upwards to the gleaming back sky and discovered droplets of rain bucketing from the clouds. She merely stared up in to the heavens, letting the water soak her skin and bright red hair that lost colour with the wet, as though it was taking her spirit away.
"Lily," she heard a gentle voice call her, over the raucous rain. She turned round to face the person who had followed her, and found James much to her surprise. He looked possibly more drenched than she did; his clothes were soaked through and his face was shiny from the rain, his usual wild, messy hair dripping; particular drops of water sticking to his eyelashes behind his glasses. Lily wasn't so surprised to see his invisibility cloak in his hand, something she had discovered not so long ago he owned and something that explained many particular pranks and seemingly impossible events. James struggled to hold half the cloak over himself as an attempt to no longer be as waterlogged, while holding out his other hand towards her. "Come on, let's go back inside."
Lily eyed James' palm uncertainly, but looking into his face, was reassured by his warm smile. Taking his hand, Lily scooted up next to him, and let James pull the invisibility over them both, feeling the cloak grace her shoulders as they disappeared from view. Half an hour later, the two had warmed up in the common room. With light conversation and lingering looks, accompanied by blankets and mugs of hot chocolate steaming in their hands, James had asked yet again the question Lily always fully said no to.
Except that time, Lily had answered differently:
"Maybe."
Parting his mouth, James hadn't been sure whether to be happy or sad. He'd prepared himself for a yes or no answer, followed by perhaps a witty remark. But in his eyes, "maybe" had not sounded good. "Maybe" lead to sentences of "maybe I'll say yes after you've died, and I consider necrophilia, which would be NEVER."
Looking sulky, James finished the last drops of hot chocolate and dragged his feet towards his dormitory...until Lily had muttered an "Oh, sod it," and shouted, "James! James, wait!"
He whipped round, hope rising in his stomach, and as Lily flashed him a coy smile of "yes", James had fainted.
And ever since, he hadn't had one day of getting his tallywhacker caught in the zipper of his jeans.
Right this second, James had to bite his tongue to prove he wasn't dreaming, which wasn't particularly wise whilst eating scones and sitting across Lily Evans in Madam Puddifoot's. At the action of nearly making his tongue bleed by biting it off with his choppers, he reddened, the cause of his flushing being Lily eyeing him with a peculiar look, along with a few startled couples who had broke part from snogging to analyse his mental state.
It hadn't helped when he'd let off a loud "BUGGER" as scone crumbs flew out of his mouth and landed on the tablecloth.
Table manners, James heard his mother's voice ring through his ears. You must have table manners for a girl to like you, James. Honestly, get your elbows off the table before I come over there and chop off your tallywhacker!
Jumping from the weird inner thoughts, he took his elbows off the table, managing to pull some of the tablecloth with him, which lead to the sound of cutlery hitting the floor. While silence of Madam Puddifoot's inhabited the room, James heated in the face as he stared at the table, not able to look Lily in the eye. Silently, Lily sipped her tea.
James immediately found out Lily was a tea person. Coffee was what was normally ordered in Madam Puddifoot's, but Lily had specifically ordered tea, and oddly scones. Naturally, he had ordered the same.
Every other girl he had dated had been Coffee Girls, and they ended up being one time flings that hadn't worked out. Maybe he was more attracted to Tea Girls? Maybe this Tea Girl was the one?
He sipped his tea, a smile forming.
He loved tea.
He nibbled on his scone, this time hiding back a grimace.
Ugh, he hated scones...
Instead of focusing how much the meal of this date considerably sucked, he instead took notice to how Lily Evans was -to quote Mary Poppins- practically perfect in every way. And they were on a date. And James had all Lily all to his self. James and Lily. Lily and James.
...and Frank and Alice.
So technically James and Lily weren't alone, and were in fact on a double date. And, technically, Lily had only agreed to go out on a date with James was if Alice accompanied them with Frank...that couldn't have been a bad sign, right?
Right, James thought dryly.
The atmosphere of the place they were in wasn't helping. He hated this place. Madam Puddifoot's was officially jinxed when it came to couples, and so far to James had been terribly bad luck, their date not going so well, and both James and Lily saying hardly two words to one another.
Though it seemed to do wonders for Frank and Alice who were hitting it off pretty well. Extremely well. In fact, Frank was making James look bad.
James couldn't believe it his eyes. He and Frank weren't as close as James was with his Marauders, but he'd known Frank since they were first years and declared Frank as the 'friendly chap' who made a bumbling idiot out of himself in front of girls. He liked Frank. He let James copy his Herbology homework once.
Now, James watched as Frank had gone further than he had with Lily. Frank and Alice were holding hands, staring adoringly at each other. James couldn't hold Lily's hand; he was too busy holding his leg which was jerking in agitation. As they stared at Frank and Alice, they came across each other's gaze and quickly turned away, reddening.
What the hell is wrong with me? James thought, running a hand through his hair in humiliation. He never had trouble with girls! He was always smooth, chivalrous, and downright sexy, and here he was, too shy and embarrassed to hold a girl's hand!
Chicken, James could hear Sirius squawk teasingly in his mind, Chicken, chicken, chicken...
James simply couldn't understand it. He was a Marauder. When it came to girls and flirting, he was a tough contender to Sirius Black. He had the charms and looks, so why was this particular red head making him look a bumbling fool?
Because she's your Tea Girl, James said to himself, a smile tugging on his lips. When thoughts of possibly turning the disastrous date around, he spotted Frank and Alice beside them about to lock in a passionate embrace of tongues. James panicked, looking wide-eyed. He and Lily hadn't even touched fingers. Shielding his eyes and awaiting his doom, he was luckily thankful when Lily declared, "I need to go the bathroom. Coming Alice?" as she stood to her feet.
It appeared Lily's friend didn't need the toilet as much, more content with holding hands with Frank as they gazed, starry-eyed.
"Now, Alice," Lily ordered, with a furious head jerk and imploring eyes.
Shooting Frank an apologetic look, Alice also stood up as her and Lily scurried around the maze of small tables, escaping to the bathroom. The second they were gone, James closed in on Frank.
"Don't you dare kiss her, Frank Longbottom," James warned. He was quite shocked by Frank's alarmed and frightened look in response. "Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you, Frank."
"No...you just sounded like my mother, then," Frank admitted, laughing tensely as he fiddled with his shirt collar.
"Seriously though," James took on an acute tone, "Don't kiss her."
Frank looked baffled. "But...why?"
"Because you'll catch a disease," James joked, rolling his eyes. "Because you're making me look bad!"
It was barely seconds before Frank erupted into laughter, which evolved into coughing, and he had to take a generous sip of his coffee to clear his throat. James did not look amused.
"Me, Frank Longbottom, making the famous James Potter, flirt extraordinaire, look bad!" He laughed again, slapping his knees.
"Don't make throw hot tea at you."
"Sorry James," Frank quickly apologized, and started nibbling on his scone.
Tapping his fingers on the table, James rested his chin in his cupped hand. "Why'd you think they, you know, do that thing?" he tried to make conversation, somewhat vaguely, and pointed to the direction of the bathroom.
"What thing?" Frank queried.
"You know, that thing," James pointed to the bathroom again, "Girls making their friends go to the toilet with them." He scratched his chin. "Why do you suppose they do that?"
Frank shrugged, "For company?"
"Do you think they're afraid of turd burglars?"
"Not if they pee...do you think girls poop and fart?"
"What? Why do you ask that?"
"Because I can never picture girls pooping, and farting...it just seems to lady-like. Girly. Pooping and farting comes across as manly. I just can't imagine girls doing it."
James stirred his tea, admired his reflection in the spoon for a bit, then dropped the spoon back into his cup with an annoyed expression. "What's taking the girls so long? They've been ages."
"They've only been two minutes."
"Really? It feels like longer though." James stared hard at the girl's bathroom door, stroking his chin. "What are they doing in there...?"
Frank shrugged again, "Make up?"
"No," James dismissed. "Something else..."
"Tampon changing?"
James arched an eyebrow at Frank.
"I have an exuberant cousin. She gives me accounts of her period. They get stomach cramps and everything-"
"We're going in there."
Frank was about to go on about breast soreness, but stopped at what James had said. "Going in where?" he enquired.
James pointed at the girl's bathroom. "There," he said simply.
Frank blinked, many times. "No we're not. We're men. We're not allowed."
James rustled out his invisibility cloak from his pocket, cracking a grin and a wiggling eyebrow.
"We'll get caught," Frank whispered shrilly.
"No we won't."
"...But why do we want to go in there?" Frank questioned.
"Because we need to discover why women go to the bathroom together." James slung his arm around Frank's shoulder. "Come on, Frank. This is a mission! A mystery that must be solved. Think, when we get back to ol' Hogwarts and tell the lads, we'll be legends...Well, me even more of one. We'd have been somewhere no man has ever ventured."
"...A lingerie shop?"
"Besides that," James gestured his head to the girls bathroom, "There."
Though he looked hesitant at first, Frank finally agreed. "Alright," he nodded.
James and Frank got to their feet and walked up to the girls bathroom, lingering by the door. Checking to see if the coast was clear and the couples on the other tables were too busy consumed in snogging, James was about to whip the cloak on them, when-
"Am I allowed to kiss Alice after this?"
James rolled his eyes. "Sure, whatever you want. Grope her bosoms, for all I care."
Not answering any more questions, James covered them both with the invisibility cloak and quietly opened the door, sliding into the bathroom. James pressed a finger to his mouth, signalling to Frank to be quiet, and silently shut the door after them with a click. Both the boys shielded their eyes from the disgusting pastel pink colour of the walls.
"Lily, can you pass me some loo roll? I'm all out."
"Sure."
Soundlessly, James pointed out the two occupied cubicles to Frank where Alice and Lily were inside, spotting their feet through the gap of the door below. They watched toilet roll hurled in the air and into the other one, with odd grace.
"Thanks, Lily."
They're talking...while peeing...James thought, knotting his brow at the exchange. He mouthed this thought to Frank, who nodded, also as bemused.
"Your date is making a buffoon of himself out there."
There was a sigh from Lily. "He's just nervous, I suppose. I think it's cute."
James smirked silently. Cute was his speciality, of course.
"Him being nervous proves how much he likes you," Alice theorised. "Why did you finally say yes to him now though?"
Another sigh from Lily, regretful this time. "I've always wanted to say yes to him, Alice. Years ago. It's just...when you say no once, you get into the routine of it. He's changed now he's Head Boy, for the better."
There were a few seconds of deep silence, until Alice broke it again. "I never asked why you wanted me and Frank to come with you on this date."
"You're my security blanket," Lily revealed, and Alice's laughter echoed in the cubicle. "Truthfully, I don't want to be alone with him..."
"Why?" Alice's tone sound worried.
"'Cause I honestly think I'll give in to him too easily and end up tongue wrestling him or something..." Lily trailed off embarrassingly. "He has a cute little bottom. Probably all that quidditch. Have you seen his bottom, Alice?"
"Yes, and Frank's is better."
Laughter echoed in both the toilet cubicles, however, there was only one flush when both girls exited.
Alice arched an eyebrow at Lily. "You forgot to flush, Lily," she chorused. "...wait, you didn't actually go did you?" She laughed, and Lily reddened.
"I just wanted to talk about James..." she admitted.
Alice beamed as she washed her hands in the sink. "You really like Potter, don't you?"
"After all this time, I think I'm going to have to face up to the fact that I might be falling in love with him..."
THUD.
Lily and Alice stared at each other, then looked around the surroundings of the bathroom. "Did you hear that?" Lily asked.
"Yeah," Alice looked suspicious, but eventually shrugged, "Maybe it came from outside?"
Lily nodded. "We better go anyway. James and Frank are waiting. I want to check out your date's bottom to see if you're right."
The girls chortled again, exiting the bathroom whilst linking arms.
The second the door slammed shut, Frank, who was kneeling, whipped the invisibility cloak off and shook James by the shoulders, who was unfortunately passed out on the bathroom tiled floor.
"James!" Frank shook him again, "James, wake up!"
James made no signs of awaking.
Boy, the other guys were going to have a field day when they heard James had passed out yet again by one of Lily's comments; a comment of possible love.
Quickly thinking of an idea, Frank came across one of the nearby sinks and rushed over to it. Filling his cupped hands with water, he ran back over to the unconscious James.
Regrettably, his hands let go of the water too early instead of his initial idea of pouring it over his face to wake the boy up.
"Uh oh," Frank cringed.
The water landed on James' trousers.
"Double uh oh."
-------------
"Frank!" Alice greeted the boy with an annoyed expression as he took the opposite seat across Lily. "We've been waiting ages. Where've you been?"
"Toilet," Frank strained a smile.
Lily noticed Frank had come alone. "Where's James?"
"...passed out in the toilet."
"Oh Merlin!" Lily sprung to her feet in horror, and Alice did the same. "Is he alright?" she asked distraughtly, hurrying to the bathroom. Just as she was about to push open the boys bathroom, Frank stopped her.
"The other one," he said quietly.
"Come again?"
Frank looked at his feet when he spoke. "He's in..." he paused uncomfortably, "the girls bathroom..."
Gawking confusedly, Lily walked into the girl's bathroom instead, appearing outside again seconds later to face Frank with her hands on her hips.
"Frank, would you care to explain why my date is passed out on the floor of a girls bathroom with a wet patch on his crotch?"
-------------
"What happened, James?"
An army of interested fellow seventh years were crowded round James and Frank in the common room the next day, each with an eager face on what secrets would be revealed, after the boys had heard they had ventured the most unlikeliest place: the girls bathroom.
"Come on, Prongs," Sirius elbowed him excitedly in the stomach, "Tell us! What was in there? What were they doing?"
James knew whatever he divulged next would be disappointing. "They," he paused, and the boys leaned in closer, catching a breath, "they...talked...on the loo."
"They talked on the loo?" Sirius repeated, disheartened. "That's just...uurgh." He shuddered, while the other boys scowled and began to exit. Frank looked upset at James, thwarted that he hadn't received the legendary status he had promised.
"And, er, a girl declared her love to me inside a toilet cubicle!" James blurted out, making the boys stop. Suddenly they rushed forward at James, attacking him with questions.
It was funny how James could so easily mix up the words 'declared her love to me inside a toilet cubicle' with the words 'made love to me inside a toilet cubicle'...