The sun gleamed brightly on our third morning in Gondor. The morbid memories of the nightmare had faded with the sun so that it seemed it never happened. Sam woke as I twisted and sat up in the bed. I looked to my left and saw Ryndil lounging on the chaise. He looked up over a book to bid us good morning, then, glancing at the clock, he spoke again:
"My goodness, are you sure you've slept long enough?" he said, laughing.
"Why, what time is it?" I asked in a raspy voice.
My vision was too blurry to make out the hands on the clock.
"It is nearly noon." Ryndil said.
My eyes widened and Sam clapped his hand over his mouth- we had slept for fifteen hours.
"That's good, though! That means you're catching up on your rest." Ryndil said, smiling and walking toward us, "How is your pain today Frodo?"
"Better than yesterday… Still-" I paused and rested my hand over my chest with a wince.
"I've got some medicine that's less- eh- concentrated, if you could do with that." he suggested.
I agreed to try it. He told me that it was better if taken with food and went to get us some.
"Nearly noon…" Sam mumbled to himself as he sat up, rubbing his the back of his neck, "Thirt- fourt- fifteen hours…" he counted on his fingers, "'Never slept so long in my life…"
I couldn't help but giggle at him, and my laugh seemed to be contagious, as the edges of his lips curled up and he gave an amused huff against his own will.
Ryndil returned some time later with a large tray. He placed it down on the bedside table and brought a plate over to me.
"I've got a little surprise for you, Frodo."
He lifted the lid from the plate to reveal yet another bowl of broth, but beside it, a few pieces of golden brown toast.
"You've been doing so well I thought you'd be ready for some solid food. Don't feel obligated to eat it if you're not feeling up to it, though!" he said, walking around to the other side of the bed.
"I think I am feeling up to it. Thank you, Ryndil- This is very nice." I said, smiling.
"You are most welcome." he said, "Samwise, I'm sorry, but I spoke to Darrion and he didn't feel you were quite ready for toast yet." he continued, handing a bowl to Sam.
"Well… That's alright. I mean, it looks awful good, but I suppose I'm not feeling quite up to it." Sam said.
I sighed sadly. I knew why he was still unable to eat normally. Even before we lost all the lembas- when our supply was only dwindling, he had been going without so that there would be enough for me. He couldn't have that toast now because he sacrificed for me, and I felt guilty for eating it.
After I had eaten a bit, Ryndil gave me a dose of the new medicine and then went to the bookcase in the corner of the room.
*Knock-Knock*
Halfway through the meal, the door opened and Pippin's head peeked in.
"Hullo!" he said, entering the room and shutting the door behind him, "Oh! I didn't know you were here, Sam!"
Sam greeted him with a "'Mornin," and a friendly nod and Pippin spoke again.
"I didn't see you all day yesterday, Frodo! I came by last night, but your doctor said you couldn't see anyone cos you were feeling awful and throwi-"
"Pip- please," I said, interrupting him, squinching in distaste, "Maybe this isn't the best time…"
He had an oblivious look on his face, but then, glancing at our breakfasts, he became aware of my meaning.
"Oh- Sorry." he said, nearly erupting with laughter behind his closed lips.
He stepped toward the window and gazed out.
"It's a lovely day. Have either of you been outside yet?" Pippin asked, whirling around pleasantly to face us.
"I haven't."
"I've scarcely been out of bed." I replied.
"Perhaps you'd like to go out onto the balcony today, Frodo?" Ryndil asked.
He gave Pippin quite a start, as his presence had previously gone completely undetected by my cousin.
"Do you think I could?" I asked.
"You could certainly try!" Ryndil said, "Just as soon as you're ready."
I'd soon had my fill of breakfast and asked Ryndil to help me try and stand. He put a chair out on the balcony for me before coming to my side. Sam had long since finished with his broth and watched worriedly as I pulled back the covers and slid my legs over the edge of the bed. Ryndil held out his hand for me to grasp, then he moved his other arm around my shoulders for support, holding me under my right arm as my feet met the stone floor. I relied heavily upon his strength as I stood up. Swirls of green and blue flooded my eyes, blinding me temporarily, and my legs ached and trembled under my weight. Ryndil surmised I was too weak to go on and bent down, planning to sweep my legs out from under me and lift me back into bed, but I revived and insisted on continuing. With his help, I was able to walk across the way to the balcony. Sam grabbed up an extra blanket from the bed and came to wrap it around my shoulders before we went out, then Ryndil and I stepped out onto the balcony and Pippin followed. My vision bleached a brilliant white under the bright rays of the afternoon sun, and I'm afraid the light was altogether too overwhelming for poor Sam's head, as he chose to linger just inside the door. I took a careful breath of fresh air and settled into the chair by the railing.
"Ryndil, can I have a bath- with this?" I asked, raising my hand to the incision.
"Certainly- with a few precautions." He told me, "Would you like to have a bath now?"
"Yes, I think so."
"I'd ought to have a bath too." Sam commented.
"I'll have baths drawn for you both." Ryndil said, "Come, Frodo, I'll take you back to bed."
"I'd like to stay out for just a while longer, if I may." I said, "You'll help me back inside, won't you, Pippin?" I added, looking to my cousin.
"Of course!" he said, right away.
Ryndil was hesitant, but eventually agreed and left us.
The sunlight was warm and pure and a gentle breeze tousled my hair as I peered out over the countryside. After a moment, Pippin came to stand by me and put his hand on my back. I turned to look at him, expecting him to say something, but he only smiled sweetly, and that said plenty.
A bit later I heard Ryndil summoning Sam into his room, as Darrion had wanted to examine him. Sam peeked out onto the balcony and spoke before he left.
"I'll see you later, Frodo, I've got to go."
"Alright. 'Bye, Sam." I said, with a wave.
I looked out over the horizon for several minutes, savoring the peace and quiet.
I hadn't really noticed before then, but my skin had been affected by the intense heat at the mountain, and the prolonged exposure to the sun had begun to exacerbate it.
"I really ought to go inside." I told Pippin, "I think I'm getting burnt." I added, squinting against the sun.
He held my hand and pulled me up from the chair, then wrapped his other arm around my waist, steadying me. We took a few steps toward the door, but I suddenly felt dizzy and hesitated. I lost my vision again as I felt the blood rushing to my head, and in an instant I was lightheaded and weak. I began to faint and my legs failed me, but Pippin caught me and braced me against the wall. After a few seconds passed I opened my eyes and gave my head a shake.
"I'm alright-" I said, but the look on his face suggested he would need more assurance, "I am. I only feel faint for a moment when I first stand. I am fine now." I told him.
"Let's get you into bed." He said skeptically, urging me on.
I took a few more steps, but my legs ached something awful and I stopped again.
"I- I just need a moment, Pip…"
He pressed his lips together.
"That does it. Come on." he said, pulling my arm around his neck.
He stood in front of me with his back turned and pulled my other arm around his neck too.
"What are you doing?!" I asked.
Bending down, he clasped the back of my thighs and straightened up, pulling me up onto his back.
"Pippin!"
"Ooph! You're heavy! You look like a twig, I'd expected you to be lighter!" he teased.
We laughed and giggled wildly as he clumsily made his way across the room and I let out a yelp as I began to slip from his grip and thought he might drop me. It reminded me of old times before we had any cares. Once we had reached our objective, he turned around and sat on the mattress, leaning back and depositing me onto it.
"Pippin!" I said, still giggling against my own will, "It hurts to laugh! Shame on you!" I jokingly reprimanded with a smile stubbornly forcing itself through my frown.
"Laughter is the best medicine!" he said.
It really was the most fun I'd had in ages, and I decided it worth the hefty price as I hugged a pillow to my aching chest.
I became a bit awkward and withdrawn as strangers milled about, preparing my bath, but it did not seem to bother Pippin one bit. I asked how Merry was and he told me he was doing well and hadn't been to see me again only because it was difficult to reach me using the crutches.
"-But I don't expect he'll be able to stay away for much longer. He'll probably be bursting to see you later and I'll have to bring him up in a wheelbarrow."
Ryndil took a long time to return. When he did, he was cheery and pleasant as he had been before, but something was different. Something about his smile seemed disingenuous and his eyes looked red.
"Are you ready for your bath?" he called out from the bathroom, "The water is a little hot- perhaps we should wait for a moment."
He slowly walked back into the bedroom and was clearly avoiding direct eye contact with me. I had to ask him about it.
"Is everything alright?"
He finally did look up at me and I could see in his eyes that everything was not, but he seemed unsure as to whether or not he should tell me.
"It's nothing. Everything is quite alright."
"Ryndil… I've been completely open with you- I've shared some very personal things with you. Won't you return my trust and at least tell me what's on your mind?" I asked.
Ryndil sighed and looked down.
"Pippin, maybe you'd like to… Step outside for a moment?" I suggested.
"No, that's not necessary. it's nothing terribly personal, it's only… Well…" he began, "My brother was injured in battle. His injuries were not incredibly serious and he was actually doing quite well, but… He's gotten his wound infected and… He's become very ill." he said, with a shake of his head, "Very ill."
"I'm so sorry…" I told him, "…You should go to him."
"Oh, no… He is in capable hands and I am needed here." Ryndil said with a somber mood hidden behind an assuring smile.
I sighed, as I knew I did need him to help me bathe, what with me being so weak and all.
"I could help with the bath so you could go to your brother." Pippin volunteered.
I thought it very considerate and kind of Pippin to offer this, as he barely knew Ryndil, and it occurred to me in that moment that the war had changed Pippin in a way. He was his same old playful, silly self, but there was something new in him- more maturity and perhaps a deeper understanding of life as a whole. A small, proud smile came across my face as he voiced his idea, but Ryndil, so dedicated to his work, politely declined.
"Oh, go on. My cousin will take good care of me." I insisted.
Ryndil sighed, then turned to Pippin and spoke:
"It will not be easy. It will require a great deal of work and care. Are you sure you want to do this?"
Pippin gave a determined nod and finally, Ryndil humbly accepted his offer.
"At least allow me to carry you in-" he said to me, "You've done quite a lot of walking for your first try since the surgery and I don't want you to overexert yourself."
I permitted him to take me into the bathroom and he sat me down on a stool inside.
"Let's see…" Ryndil began, rubbing his chin.
He quickly went back into the bedroom to fetch something and returned.
"You'll need to remove the bandages from around your chest, then hold this over the incision." he said, handing me a piece of cloth, "You may remove any other bandages as well. Oh, except your hand- and don't submerge it- and don't submerge the incision either! Be very careful not to. The water is shallow enough for it not to be a problem."
Pippin was paying close attention so that he wouldn't do anything wrong.
"You'll find it easier to cut the chest bandages in the back and remove them all at once." he said to Pippin, handing him a pair of scissors, "Don't try to put new bandages on him yourself- it's very tricky. I will do that when I return." he continued, "And no bath oils!"
He took a step toward the door.
"And for pity's sake, do not put any salts in the water!" he said, turning back to look at Pippin.
Pippin nodded in such a grave and determined manner, one would never guess it was in response to anything so silly as instructions for a bath.
"I will try not to be too long," Ryndil said, now inches from the door, "But I'll put a fresh shirt out for you on the bed, if you wish to get out before I return."
"I hope your brother improves." I said.
He thanked me kindly and began to disappear behind the closing door, but then popped his head back in.
"Be gentle on your skin- it's very delicate right now." he said, "It may peel a bit- don't be alarmed."
I nodded, a bit overwhelmed by all of his instructions, and he finally left and shut the door. Pippin took a breath, puffing out his cheeks and raising his eyebrows.
"Ready?" he asked.
Just then, the door opened again and Ryndil stuck his arm in, holding a linen.
"Towel." he mumbled.
Pippin took it from him and Ryndil shut the door again and "left", though I'm almost certain it was him that I heard through the door changing the bedclothes before he actually left.
I started unbuttoning my shirt, but had an awful time with it because my entire left hand was so weak and tender- It was virtually useless in aiding my right. I was so helpless that Pippin had to unbutton all but the first for me, and it was at this moment that I felt utterly stripped of any remaining dignity, if indeed there was still any fragment to be lost.
I pulled my arms from the sleeves and Pippin cut through my bandages in the back as Ryndil had suggested and peeled them off without much difficulty, and though I was terrified he might accidentally cut me with the scissors through the whole process, he never did. The other bandages were removed too and with Pippin's help, I stood and he steadied me as I stepped into the tub. Holding the cloth to my wound as Ryndil had instructed, I slowly sunk down into the water until it came up around my waist, being careful to keep my left hand dry and up on the edge of the tub. My abraded skin stung awfully in the warm water, but once I adjusted to the temperature, it felt quite nice. Pippin soon approached me with a sponge, but I spoke out, stopping him.
"Pip, I think I'd like to soak for a while."
"Oh… Well, alright."
He sat down on the stool and fiddled with the sponge, tossing it into the air and catching it.
"Alone?" I requested.
"Ohhh, no! You've been placed in my care and I'll be hanged if I'm going to let you fall asleep in there and drown yourself!" he said, ardently.
"I'm not even sleepy!"
He shook his head dramatically.
"I'm taking a different sort of medicine now, I'm fully alert. I'll be alright, I promise!" I insisted.
"No!"
"Oh, please, Pippin? I haven't had a moment to myself the whole time I've been here!"
"Well…" he began, apprehensively, "Alright. But be warned!" he rose from his spot and walked toward the door, "I'm going to be rapping on this door every few minutes and you'd better answer!"
"Yes, sir." I said with histrionic obedience as he left me.
I slid down and dipped my head back into the water, sure to not submerge my wound. When I came back up, I ran my fingers through my hair, sweeping the wet strands out of my eyes, and as I lowered my hand I saw that grasped between my fingers was an alarming amount of my hair that had simply fallen out from a gentle tug. I ran my fingers through my curls again to see if it was an isolated incident, but surely enough, I found myself pulling out another tiny handful of hair with little effort. I pressed my lips together and let out a small sigh, but I had lost far too much to be truly distressed by something as trivial as the loss of hair. I leaned my head back to rest against the edge of the tub and soaked in silence. It was entirely boring to sit silently in that tub, and I thoroughly enjoyed every minute of it. About three minutes after Pippin had left, as he had promised, he was back as the door and pounding on it.
"Frodo Baggins! You'd better not be drowning!" he shouted.
"I'm not!" I shouted back to him, and had to smile at his unswerving resolve to save me from myself.
It had been a long time since I had been able to enjoy a proper bath. My muscles began to unknot in time and I became quite relaxed. Lost in my thoughts, I began to hum a familiar tune from back home. I sang softly and absentmindedly, swirling my finger in the water and noticed an unusually light feeling in my heart. I wondered if I had gone completely mad, and that idea brought on panic, which, in turn, brought on some odd form of twisted relief that I cannot explain. In just a few more minutes, Pippin was back, rapping on the door. This interaction between us became quite familiar and every few minutes we would do the same thing.
*knock-knock*
"Frodo?"
"I'm alright, Pip."
…
*knock-knock*
"Hey, Frodo!"
"I'm fine!"
…
*knock-knock*
"Hey!"
"Fine!"
The next time he came, I was content with the time I'd had to myself and let him come in.
He helped me wash and then to get out of the tub.
I sat on the stool, wrapped up in a towel and waited for him to bring me my clothes. He disappeared into the bedroom to fetch them, but suddenly, I heard some commotion and then explosive voices. I felt an intense fear come over me I imagined the most terrifying scenarios. My only thought was that somehow the Dark Lord had endured, his forces at the door. My heartbeat quickened and I could hear it pounding in my ears, and felt it in my throat. The incident seemed to go on and on, but this all happened in a matter of seconds.I was even more confused when the sound of laughter met my ears amid the garbled shouts. Utterly bewildered and still frightened, I somehow found the strength to get to my feet on my own, but this was a terrible idea, as the hot water had made me a little woozy in addition to my already feeling faint upon standing. The colored swirls danced in my eyes again and blood rushed to my head. I was fighting a losing battle and began to collapse, but just then, I was caught by Pippin, who happened to find me just in time.
"Whoa- steady, Frodo! You oughtn't be trying to walk by yourself!"
He gently guided me back down onto the stool and began pulling my arms through the sleeves of my nightshirt and buttoning it up, leaving the top open so that I could hold the protective cloth to my chest.
"I'm sorry- I don't know what came over me…" I said.
"Well, at least you're not hurt. You should've called me- I would've come, you know!"
"I know…"
I couldn't explain why I had done what I did, as it seemed that absolutely nothing had happened out there to warrant such a reaction from me. The subject was quickly forgotten, though, and once I'd been dressed, he helped me up and we started toward the bedroom.
"Look, Frodo! You've got a visitor!" Pippin said.
I looked up to find Merry sitting at the edge of my bed and finally realised what all the commotion was about.
"Merry!" I exclaimed.
"Frodo!" he yelled back, throwing his arms out.
I think we both wanted to run to each other, but that was obviously out of the question for the both of us. I lingered at the doorway to rest, leaning against the frame. Ryndil was right- I had walked an awful lot for my first try and my endurance of the pain was diminishing, as was my strength. My finger, my ribs, my throat, my lungs, my legs- everything was hurting.
"Can you make it? I can carry you, if you'd-" Pippin started, but I shook my head and interrupted him;
"I'm not riding on your back again. It hurts!" I said, breaking my frown with the flash of a smile to let him know I wasn't scolding him.
"What?" Merry asked, an intrigued and amused grin spreading across his face as he searched for more of the story.
"He doesn't like me to carry him because he says it hurts him." Pippin responded.
"You carried him?!"
Pippin nodded with a little laugh as we started across the room again.
"Well what about my smashed leg? I don't recall you offering to carry me!" Merry joked, pulling an apple out from his coat pocket and shining it on his waistcoat.
"That's because Frodo's my favorite." Pippin said playfully with his nose up in the air, "And not to mention- if I'd given you the idea, you'd've had me for your dedicated steed the whole time your leg's in that splint." he said, as we came upon the bed.
I climbed up onto it and (somewhat awkwardly) hugged Merry with my free arm.
"That is still a distinct possibility!" Merry said with a mouth full of apple, pointing at Pippin with the fruit still in his hand.
"Hello, Frodo." Merry smiled, giving my back a rub.
I released him and crawled to the head of the bed where I tried to recover from the pain that had come over me from all of the movement. The room fell silent for a few moments as I clutched a pillow to my chest and groaned. The new medicine did not cause disorientation as the other had, but it was much less effective in relieving my pain.
"It was nice of you to come, Merry." I finally said, shifting and wincing, "It must've been difficult to get here all by yourself."
"Eh, it wasn't as bad as I'd expected, but those stairs…" he said with a roll of his eyes, taking another bite of his apple.
"How did you get up all those stairs, Merry?" Pippin asked.
"Pure determination!" he replied, "And I may or may not have gotten a little help from a passing elf."
"Who- Legolas?" Pippin asked.
Merry nodded with a little smile.
"Did he offer, or did you just-" Pippin gestured by lunging forward, curling his arms around the air in front of himself, as if to latch on to something.
"Yes, I just grabbed onto his leg when he went by!" Merry replied with mirthful sarcasm.
They both burst out into the most contagious laughter, but I resisted, though the scenario they had painted made it extremely difficult.
"Oh, please, you two! No jokes! Owhhh…"
"I'm sorry, Frodo-" Pippin said, trying to stop his laughing, "Shhhhh!" He hushed Merry, grasping at his arm, doubling up on the bed and chortling behind forcibly closed lips.
Finally, they were able to regain composure began a more mellow conversation that, of course, did not last long and soon evolved into one of the most ridiculous and hilarious exchanges I'd ever heard.
"-Frodo, did you ever see them?! Aunt Hilda's feet?"
"Uh, I don't know… I'm sure I have at some time."
"No, you would remember. You would remember them if you'd really seen them. Her feet… Her feet are this narrow!" Merry said, an inch or two parting his forefinger and thumb, "Did you ever see them, Pip?"
"I don't know… She always wears those shoes! Wait… I saw them in socks, once, I think!"
"But did you ever see them bare?"
Pippin shook his head.
"That's why she keeps them covered, you know! This narrow!"
"I always heard she had some kind of ailment- that her feet get too cold and that's why she has to wear those-"
"No! No! That's what she made up cos she doesn't want anyone to know about them!"
"Are they really small?" Pippin giggled.
"Shockingly. Shockingly. You've never seen anything like it."
I smiled and bit my lip to repress laughter as they discussed it, and begged them to show mercy and discontinue their ridiculous conversation, and although it took them several more strangled fits of unwelcome laughter, they were eventually able to force the start of a different conversation. Soon it was disrupted by the creak of the door opening upon Ryndil's return, and after acknowledging me and my cousins, Ryndil immediately brought bandages and bottles over to my bedside.
"How was your bath?" he asked
"It was nice. I did what you told me- I kept the incision and my hand out of the water."
"Good, good."
He unbuttoned my shirt and slid it off of my shoulders again. I had been in and out of my shirt more times than I could count in those first few days. He began cleansing my incision first, so that I could be relieved of holding the cloth.
"Please- Go on with what you were saying." I said to Merry and Pippin as Ryndil began to carefully wash the cut.
"I don't remember what we were saying…" Merry said, with a contemplative frown, "Oh, yes- there were these oliphaunts- massive… I don't even know how many there were- fifteen or twenty, all lined up and headed right for us! It was just awful- these soldiers would ride in and be completely smashed under their feet or tossed up into the air by the tusks. The tusks were just dripping with bl-"
"Mer…" Pippin said, quietly, nudging Merry's arm.
"What?" Merry asked.
Pippin tried to subtly frown and shake his head at Merry to stop him from relating his dark tale, as he thought it might upset me. Finally, Merry caught on to his meaning.
"Uh… Anyway… Did you know Pippin was made guard of the- uh…"
"Guard of the Citadel!" Pippin interjected.
"My, that sounds like a great honour." I said as Ryndil stuck a square of gauze to the jelly he'd finished smearing over the incision.
"Well, yes, it is. I've got the livery and everything- I wore it into battle!" Pippin said.
"Why don't you go get it and show it to him?" Merry suggested.
"Would you like to see it, Frodo?" Pippin asked.
"I'd love to-Mm!" I said, my words ending abruptly with a wince caused by Ryndil's handling of my injured finger as he began to remove the bandages.
"Alright, I'll be back as soon as I can!" Pippin said, climbing off of the bed.
"Hey!" Merry said, tapping Pippin's shoulder with the back of his hand that held an apple core, "Take this with you."
Pippin took it and stared at it fleetingly with a blank expression, as if his mind were elsewhere.
"It'll protect you on your journey." Merry said with a flash of the eyebrows.
Pippin looked up at him and pressed his lips together in an amused smirk, then whirled around to leave.
Ryndil sifted through bottles and found the one he was looking for, but it was nearly empty.
"I've got to get some more of this- I apologize, I'll be right back." he said, pulling my shirt up over my shoulders again, and grabbing a piece of cloth and loosely tying it around my hand before dashing from the room, "Don't touch anything!"
I squeezed my fist around my left wrist in an attempt to reduce the ache. After a moment, I curiously pulled back the cloth as I felt I was finally brave enough to look the injury over for the first time since it'd happened. It was a frightening sight- reddened and bruised, layered with dark blood and fluid at the tip. In studying it, I saw that there were stitches in it, pulling the skin to meet over the bone. The skin had felt very tight there and I realised this was the reason for it.
The memories came rushing over me- the gruesome and agonising sensation of my finger being torn from my hand; the smoke rising from the festering fiery pits below; the snarling, jagged walls seeming to reach out with claws of stone, glowing orange and rippling through the waves of blistering heat…
A shiver went through my body that seemed to chill my very core. Merry sat silently only a foot or two away. Though I did not look directly at him, I could feel his eyes on me. My own were cast down, staring broodingly at the stub. Merry moved closer, paying close attention to my mood by studying my face. He gazed at my finger quietly for a moment.
"…What happened out there?" he asked, very softly.
I wanted to believe I could find some way to avoid answering, but I knew I couldn't escape his question. It seemed ages before I could bring myself to look at his face. Lifting my uneasy gaze, I swallowed, and my eyelids fluttered against the forming of tears. I couldn't think of what to say- I only shook my head.
"I can't-" I told him, "I can't tell you…"
"…When we get back to the shire… Everyone is going to be asking all about it… Wouldn't it be easier if- If you told me first? And then when they asked, I could-"
"I can't think about that right now." I said, firmly wiping away a stray tear that had rolled down my cheek and covering the wound again.
"…I didn't mean to upset you."
"You didn't… It's only…" I said, pausing to take a slow breath, "I'm not ready…" I continued, my voice catching as I spoke, "You must understand."
My eyes sought to express what my words had failed to.
"It's hard for me to know what you're going through… But I want to understand- I try…" He said. "And I don't want you to have to do anything else that hurts you. If you don't want to talk about it, we won't talk about it."
I put my good hand on his shoulder and spoke.
"You're good to me, Merry… I promise I will tell you someday. I just need time."
He gave me the slightest smile and moved his hand up to grasp the side of my neck, but stopped just before making contact as his eyes fell to the dark purple bruises on my throat, leaving his hand awkwardly hovering over me before grasping my shoulder and giving it an affectionate shake.