A/N: Had to get this one out before Thursday because it's based on the preview and episode descriptions and I know for darn sure it isn't going to be right.
Disclaimer: The song is "Love Shine Down" by Eric Church. While I have no great prize to offer you, see if you can figure out exactly which line of lyrics made me go "Yep, gotta write this one."
Lady let your love shine down
Lady let your love shine down
It's cold and it's dark in this sinner's heart
Lady, let your love shine down
Out of the millions of things Elliot was sure he didn't deserve this Christmas season after everything that happened over the past year, Olivia comforting him again after yet another family tragedy was right up there.
He'd called her in an absolute panic after a long day at Wheatley's trial when he came home to find Eli wasn't there. He'd first called Eli himself, then texted him a few times. Next were Kathleen and his mother, who'd gone to the grocery store, then Dickie, Lizzie, and Maureen, but none of them had seen him. That sent Elliot's gut twisting.
Working in Organized Crime now meant he crossed a lot more evil people with a lot more means and bigger weapons than he sometimes used to encounter in SVU. The Wheatleys had already killed Kathy and had Olivia run off the road. And Reggie was still out there somewhere, possibly plotting revenge for putting his entire family and beloved mother in jail. Not that he'd be able to do it himself but if he was able to contact his family, well... Of course, Elliot's mind went to the worst first, that one of them had kidnapped Eli.
She picked up on the first ring.
"Liv, he's gone," Elliot said, standing in Eli's doorway, looking at the rumpled sheets, not wanting to poke around too much in case CSU had to come in.
"Who's gone?" she asked.
"Eli," Elliot said. "I came home. Kathleen and my Mom are at the grocery store, but Eli's gone and none of the other kids have seen him."
"Did you try calling him?" Olivia said. "Texting him?"
"Calls went straight to voicemail and he hasn't answered my texts," Elliot said. "Liv, what if they…"
"Let's not jump to conclusions," Olivia said. "He's a teenager and he's been having a hard time lately. He may have gone to a friend's house or something. Call Jet, get her to dump your security cams and track his phone. Stay there. I'm coming."
He didn't feel better, exactly, maybe reassured was the right word. Olivia was Eli's guardian angel, always had been. She was there for him the day he was born, the night with the pills, and she'd be there for him now.
It didn't take her long to arrive, though he didn't live that far from the 1-6 now.
Jet called him just as she was walking through the door.
"He left on his own," Jet said. "Hopped into a black SUV out front but I couldn't get the license plates because of the camera angles. His phone is off now but its last ping was out near JFK about a half an hour ago."
"I don't like this, Liv," Elliot said. "JFK? He has no reason to be out there."
"Has he been in contact with his friends from Rome?" Olivia said. "Maybe he's trying to fly back there to be with them?"
"He doesn't have the money for something like that," Elliot said.
"Does he have an emergency card tied to your account?" Olivia asked.
"Yeah, but I haven't gotten any purchase alerts on it," Elliot said.
"Maybe he's going to buy the tickets at the airport," Olivia said. "Maybe we can get out there and stop him."
It was all he needed to hear and he was herding her back outside and into his SUV. They were nearly at the airport when Jet called again.
"His phone just pinged again real quick," Jet said. "He's out at Rockaway now."
"Are you sure?" Olivia asked, since the phone was on speaker.
"Oh, hey Captain Benson, didn't realize you were there," Jet said. "Yeah, I'm sure he's out at Rockaway. His signal only came up for a minute or two then went back down."
"Keep us posted," Elliot said before jamming the button to turn the phone off.
"Liv," Elliot said.
"We have to stay calm, Elliot," Olivia said. "We're not that far away. We'll get to him. We'll find him."
"This is all my fault," Elliot said. "If I hadn't gone undercover, God, if I hadn't let Kathy start that car."
"One thing at a time," Olivia said. "You can't worry about that right now. We're going to get out to Rockaway and whatever happens, we're going to take it one step at a time."
He felt her hand in his on the center console, and he glanced down between them just to see that she was really there.
He didn't deserve this. He didn't deserve her. But, God he needed her right now and he was so glad she was there with him. He held her hand like a lifeline until they made it to Rockaway.
Honey shake down your hair
Shake down your auburn hair
I can smell the ocean salt in the air
Honey, shake down your hair
"This is a big place," Elliot said as they stepped out of the car in some random parking lot, as close to a beach entrance as possible. "He could be anywhere."
"We'll find him, El," Olivia said, following him up through the sand. He wanted to believe her. Oh, how he wanted to believe her.
It didn't take long to find a fire burning on the beach and a bunch of teenagers cackling with laughter maybe 500 yards away.
"Eli," Elliot called out and the circle of kids got very quiet.
"Shit," one of them yelled, definitely not Eli's voice, but he didn't care. He ran as fast as he could through the sand and was vaguely aware of Olivia plodding behind him, hopefully paying extra attention to her still healing ankle.
When he approached the circle he found five boys and three empty pizza boxes and a couple of cans of Coors Lite. The oldest one looked, at most, 16, clearly not old enough to be drinking.
"Elliot Joseph Stabler, what the hell do you think you're doing?" Elliot yelled.
"Ooh, full name," one of the delinquents chuckled.
"It's not going to be so funny when you get the same treatment because we're calling all your parents," Olivia said.
"Dad, c'mon we're just hanging out," Eli said.
"You're 14," Elliot said, yanking Eli to his feet. "You are light years away from running off to Rockaway and drinking beer with your buddies."
"Dad, don't," Eli said.
"These the people you've been spending time with who made you think it was a good idea to steal Grandma's pills?" Elliot asked.
"No, that was Brett," Eli said. "I don't hang out with him anymore, okay. These are guys from soccer."
"Not okay," Elliot said. "This was wrong, especially after the day we all had."
Elliot looked over his shoulder at Olivia who proceeded to make the other four boys pull out their cell phones, call their parents, and then she spoke with each one of the parents, pulling Captain rank and telling them to get out to Rockaway to pick up their children unless they wanted to pick them up at a precinct.
"God, your parents are strict," one of the kids mumbled to Eli as Elliot and Olivia marched them back to the car they came in.
"She's not my mom," Eli grumbled.
"Dude she's in that picture in your nightstand holding you as a baby," the same kid said. "Who is she?"
"How do you even know about that?" Eli asked.
"Got bored one day while I was over and you were arguing with your sister," the kid said. "So who is she?"
"She's my dad's old partner," Eli said.
It took over an hour for all the parents to come out and get their kids. Olivia handled them, told the boys to consider this their first and only warning and if she saw their names come up in the system again she'd personally see to it that they got the proper punishment. It always mesmerized Elliot to really watch her in "cop mode," but now as a Captain and a mother, she could likely send the strongest, fiercest opponent crumbling to his knees and crying for his Mommy. Lord knows if she ever decided to turn on him like that, which someday she might, he'd do the same.
"Get in the car and I don't want to hear another word until I ask for it, understood?" Elliot said to Eli as Olivia approached.
Eli grumbled something under his breath that Elliot didn't catch, but he did at least climb into the car like he was told.
"I told you we'd find him," Olivia said, pulling her hair down out of the twist she'd put it up in before they marched all the boys back to the car.
He knew it wasn't the time to be marveling at how beautiful she was, backlit by the moon, the salty spray of the ocean behind her creating this misty aura. It made her look just like the angel she was, always swooping in for the rescue.
"You were right," Elliot said. "I overreacted."
"Not the first time," she said with a smirk. "And I'm pretty sure it won't be the last either. But it's been a day with the trial and all. I get why you went there. I wasn't so sure you were wrong, but I'm glad you were."
"This isn't going to be the most fun car ride home," Elliot said. "Sorry to drag you into it."
"I'll just collect tips for what's to come for Noah's teenage years," Olivia said. "But his last name isn't Stabler so maybe I'm dodging that bullet."
She gave him another smile before sliding up into the passenger seat. He knew she meant that as a joke but it hit him like a dart in the chest. He would prefer Noah was a Stabler. It hurt him that he missed her being pregnant, though given Noah's age and her own he could be adopted. Either way, in blood or name, he wished he could have been right there with her when it happened. But he missed that chance by staying in a marriage that wasn't working, for a kid who now hated his guts because he got his mother killed. And maybe if he would have made different decisions none of that would have happened.
Darlin', don't give up on me
That's my message in the bottle on the sea
Lil' S.O.S. from this S.O.B
Darlin', don't give up on me
As predicted, the 45 minute drive from Rockaway was excruciating. Eli was giving one word answers, or none at all, which only irritated Elliot more.
It'd been a bad day, he knew he wasn't handling this well, and he could also tell Liv was dying to step in. In the past, if this had been Dickie, or Kathleen, or 15 years ago, maybe she would have. But just the fact that she wasn't cutting him off, trying to talk to Eli, it was just another difference to show him that everything had changed, and that was pushing him to his breaking point.
Eli stomped off to his room the second they got home, slamming the door. Just like his father in name, attitude, and mannerisms, which was a tough pill to swallow. Elliot, too, wasn't particularly in the mood to talk, and he took to sulking on the terrace while Olivia and his mother chatted in hushed tones inside.
Let them talk. Let Eli fume in his bedroom. Let Barba get Wheatley off for murder, which is where things seemed to be heading. Let everything just go to hell. What did it matter anymore? It was the attitude he wanted to take, of course, but not the one he truly felt. He felt like he was drowning again. He just wanted Eli to throw him a bone and behave like the good kid he used to be for five minutes instead of this sneaky, sullen teenager. He wanted Liv to stop tiptoeing around him like he was going to break if she called him out on his shit like she used to. He just wanted it all to stop.
"Is it safe out here?" Liv asked, sliding the terrace door shut behind her, pulling her coat a little tighter to shield her from the chill.
"It's fine," Elliot said. "Not mad at you."
"You're mad at someone," Olivia said. "With good reason. He shouldn't have run off like that. But I think you know…"
He didn't let her finish.
"No, I don't know, Liv," Elliot said. "I don't know what he's thinking or feeling. He doesn't talk to me. He doesn't really talk at all anymore. Sneaking out? Running off? That isn't him."
"Elliot I don't think he feels like he can talk to you," Olivia said. "None of us do."
"What's that supposed to mean?" he said, the words coming out more harshly than he anticipated.
"El, we meant what we said at the intervention," she said. "We are worried about you. Eli is scared, and he probably feels lost and alone in this new city, without his mother, partially responsible for looking after his grandmother. He's worried about you. I am too. I know how you bottle things up. I know how you put blame and guilt on yourself and how you lash out when you feel like things are out of control."
He wondered if it was intentional or subconscious when she brought her fingers to her neck to trace where he knew there was still a faint scar from Gitano's knife. He still remembered what he said to her about looking over his shoulder to make sure she could do her job. It wasn't his finest moment, but he was afraid he was going to lose her.
"Do you think he's afraid of me?" Elliot asked.
Liv walked closer to him now, where he was leaning on the terrace wall. She put a hand to his shoulder.
"You are not your father, Elliot," Olivia said. "Do I think he's afraid of you? As in worried you'll do something to hurt him? No. I don't think that's it at all. I think he's worried for you. That you're not going to be paying attention or that you're going to do something reckless and he's going to be an orphan. But you're both entirely too 'Stabler' for your own good, so you're both keeping your mouths shut and running off undercover or running off to Rockaway instead of dealing with it."
"I don't know how to do this," Elliot said.
"Do what, El?" she asked. "Grieve? Talk to your son?"
"Ask for help," Elliot said. "I don't know how to ask for help. I'm a cop. I'm a father. People are supposed to ask me for help. Not the other way around."
"I asked you before what you need," Olivia said. "And I'll ask you again. All you have to do is answer me. Elliot, tell me what you need."
He took a deep breath. He didn't know if he could say it. Sure, months ago he'd yelled these very words in the middle of an empty hospital floor, screaming for someone, anyone, to come fix things. But that wasn't really for him. It was for Angela. She needed a doctor. Liv and Bell needed someone with training to get in there and take over. Could he really say it to her here, now?
"Elliot," Olivia said. "Please, tell me what you need."
"I need help, Liv," Elliot finally said. "I need help."
"Then we will get you help," Olivia said. "But you have to at least give me a clue about what type of help you need. Do you want me to try to talk to Eli? Is there something I can do for you so there's one less thing you have to think about? Do you want me to put you in touch with a therapist? I'll do whatever it is you want."
"There's more," Elliot said, but again he wasn't sure if he could get the words out.
"Anything," she said. "Anything at all."
"I need you to not give up on me," Elliot said. "You said it yourself, I bottle it up. I get mad. And I don't ask for help when I need it. But I need you to not give up on me when I'm doing that. I know I don't have the right to ask you that after all this time but…"
"You don't," Olivia said. "But I won't. I haven't been able to give up on you for over 20 years. And heaven knows I tried really hard for a long time to do it. But if I couldn't do it back then, after some of the things I went through, there's no way I could do it now when you've finally actually admitted you need me around."
He looked up at her to see her smirking, knowing that, while her words held some truth, she was purposely pestering him just to lighten the mood.
"What do you mean the things you went through?" Elliot asked.
"Tonight is not the night for that," she said. "Someday, if you still want to know, we can talk about it. But not tonight."
"Is it bad?" Elliot asked.
"It's not good," she said. "But I'm still here, and I'm not giving up on you."
Elliot moved to put his arm around her. He needed her close. She put her head on his shoulder. Things weren't better, but at least with his partner by his side he always knew the right thing to do and the right decision to make.
Been crawling at the bottom of this cave dweller's cave
Clawin' through the night looking for a light
The longer the trial progressed, the worse things got. Each day was another load of shit in the courtroom. Olivia had to testify about what she saw and Barba tried to twist things on her. She looked like she wanted to throttle the attorney right there from the witness stand. Then Angela got up and was little to no help, but Barba had to make mention of Angela's friendship or whatever it was with him, that Liv didn't know about, and her "I want to throttle you" gaze shifted to him.
He lost sight of her when they were leaving the courthouse and didn't have time to text her because he and Eli got into a massive fight on the way home.
Elliot didn't even know how it started. His other kids had hugged him and departed for their cars or public transportation to get back to their jobs and lives elsewhere in the city. He thinks he asked Eli something about grabbing takeout on the way home and maybe watching a movie together and somehow that turned into a screaming match about dirty socks and ended with Eli storming off to his room again. Elliot wasn't even sure how they got there.
He could feel himself spiraling. He was twitching like he'd been doing back after the initial run ins with Wheatley and his crew. The walls felt like they were closing in again. He needed help. He needed Liv. It took another twenty minutes for him to type the words into a text message and then to actually hit the send button, but he'd done it.
And she hadn't responded.
He couldn't blame her exactly. He'd promised her quite a few things over the years, namely that he was her partner for better or worse and he'd always have her back. Then he left her without a word, moved across the world, and gave her a letter of lies that his wife wrote when he finally returned after 10 years of complete silence.
She didn't have to be there for him. She could give up on him. She didn't owe him shit.
When he was just about to get up and start pacing the room from all his pent up energy there was a knock at the door. He opened it without checking the peephole to find Liv, hair in a ponytail, face clean of makeup, clutching her coat around her.
"Took me a little bit to get Noah over to Amanda's," she said, crossing the threshold and putting her coat on the hook by the door to reveal her NYPD sweatshirt (was that his sweatshirt from a million years ago?), leggings, and tennis shoes. "I would have been here sooner."
"You mean you weren't avoiding me?" Elliot asked. "About what they said in court today."
"If I avoided you every time you were an idiot we never would have been able to work together for as long as we did," Olivia said. "I'll take your lack of decision-making skills in stride for now if you tell me what's wrong."
"Eli and I got into another fight," Elliot said. "I asked him if he wanted to get takeout and somehow it turned into an argument about him not cleaning up after himself around the house and I don't know how everything spiraled."
"Do Stabler men actually know how to have conversations with one another or does everything always turn into a screaming match?" she asked. "I just need to know what we're dealing with here."
"I don't even know what we're dealing with," Elliot said. "That's why I called you."
"Contrary to what Noah may think, I don't actually have psychic abilities," Olivia said. "Only way I can help is if you two have a conversation and not an argument."
She was turning away from him, approaching Eli's door and knocking on it.
"Eli, it's Olivia," she said. "Can I come in?"
No answer. She waited a minute or so before trying again.
"Eli, I don't want to be a cop right now," she said. "I'd rather be a family friend, but I've broken down a few doors in my day and I'm not below doing it again."
That got him stomping to the door and yanking it open.
"What?" Eli asked. "He call you?"
"Yes," Olivia said. "Your dad did call me. I'd like to talk to you for a little bit if that's okay."
"Are you going to hang around here all night until I cave?" Eli asked.
"I'm used to waiting out suspects for interrogation," Olivia said. "I can wait as long as I have to."
"Fine," Eli said, granting her access to the room. He all but shut the door in Elliot's face, but it was ajar enough that he could hear them talking.
"Remember how we had that intervention for your Dad a while back?" Olivia asked.
"The one where he told you he loved you?" Eli asked. "Yeah, I remember that."
"Is that what this has been about?" Olivia asked. "That he slipped up and said something he didn't mean?"
That cut Elliot. He had meant it when he said he loved her. It wasn't the ideal time, but it didn't make the words any less real.
"He loves you, he kissed that lady who killed Mom," Eli said. "He just can't wait to forget about her."
Thank God Eli didn't know anything about Flutura or the little Albania party girls from his undercover gig too.
"I don't think that's true," Olivia said. "He could never forget your mom."
"No, he could never forget you," Eli said. "Not even when we were thousands of miles away in Rome and we were happy."
"Have you forgotten your friends in Rome just because you've moved to New York?" Olivia asked.
"No," Eli said. "I still try to talk to them all the time. But it's hard because of the time difference."
"Your dad and I were partners for about 14 years," Olivia said. "Friends too. So I think you know how hard it is to be that far away from your friends."
"He'd only talk about you when Mom wasn't around," Eli said. "Like it was some kind of big secret. And I've heard Dickie and Kathleen talking about when you and Dad are going to get together now that Mom's not around."
"Eli, have you been fighting with your Dad and doing these things because you don't like him spending time with me?" Olivia asked.
"Maybe," Eli said. "I don't know. Everything is just so messed up."
"Like what?" Olivia asked.
"Like the kids here are different," Eli said. "Back home we just played futbol and video games and hung out and watched TikToks and stuff. But here? Everybody's always trying to sneak drugs, or alcohol, or like get into shit that can get you arrested."
"Maybe you just haven't met the right friends yet," Olivia said.
"I thought the soccer guys were going to be cool," Eli said. "Until they drove out to Rockaway with beer."
"You didn't know that's what was going to happen?" Olivia asked.
"They asked me if I wanted to go for pizza," Eli said. "I thought we were going to go to one of the shops down the road, not all the way out to the damn beach."
"Did you tell your Dad that?" Olivia asked.
"No," Eli said. "He already thinks I'm a screw up because I stole grandma's pills and then lied about it. Then I tried them too, with Brett. I know it was wrong. It was just that Brett was my only friend at the time. Nobody else at school wants to get to know the weird kid who lived in Italy and doesn't have a mom."
"He doesn't think you're a screw up, Eli," Olivia said. "He's just worried about you and when he's worried about his kids he doesn't exactly handle it well."
"I never noticed," Eli deadpanned.
"When your Dad found out Kathleen was having problems that turned out to be her bipolar disorder, he almost got fired from his job trying to protect her," Olivia said. "Then, when he realized he couldn't help her that way, he got her put in jail so she'd have to take medicine."
"Whoa," Eli said.
"Yeah," Olivia said. "I know. But he does what he does because he cares about you guys. He just… doesn't always use the best tactics. But he does not think you're a screw up."
"He's not easy to talk to," Eli said.
"I know," Olivia said. "Trust me, I know that very well."
"Did you and Dad have an affair when Mom was still alive?" Eli asked.
Elliot's breath caught in his throat. They hadn't of course, though the majority of the precinct, far too many victims and suspects, Dickie, and even Kathy, all thought so.
"No, Eli," Olivia said. "Your Dad was my best friend, but he had your Mom and he had you and your brother and sisters, and he is a good man. He would never have cheated on your mother, and even if he had ever tried, I wouldn't have let him. Not with me, at least."
"Then why did he never talk about you in front of Mom?" Eli asked. "He would tell me stories about you sometimes, in Rome. He had this box he kept buried in the back of his closet with old pictures and stuff from when he worked here. You were in most of them. I found the box when I was like 7 and we were playing hide and seek when Mom was at some parent meeting for futbol. We went through it and he told me all these amazing stories about you, like you were a superhero or something, but he said we could never talk about you, or that box, in front of Mom. Why did it have to be a secret?"
Elliot knew why it had to be a secret. It was an unspoken thing between him and Kathy. He'd chosen her and his family over Olivia and the job. He put in his papers, he moved to an entirely new country, and that part of his life was supposed to be over. Kathy never believed they hadn't talked in 10 years. She dictated a letter full of lies because she was still jealous of a friendship and partnership that had ended many years before.
"I don't know why it had to be a secret," Olivia said. "But your Dad and I never did anything wrong. I have a box of pictures in my closet too, stuff from my partnership with him. My son Noah found it once and asked about it much like you did."
Elliot probably should have been more surprised that they had matching boxes full of the best days of their lives hidden away in their closets, but he wasn't.
"You know, when your Dad left, we didn't get to say goodbye to one another. I didn't have a lot of people in my life back then and he was my best friend. It hurt me when he left and it was too painful to remember the way things ended and changed. Maybe he felt the same way."
"If you saved my life and Mom's life, why didn't she like you?" Eli asked.
"So you know that story?" Olivia asked.
Elliot heard some rummaging in a drawer.
"I took this picture out of the box and kept it," Eli said. "Dad said it was of me and my guardian angel, the day I was born. He said you saved our lives in that car accident and you were the first person to hold me. So I don't understand why you and Mom weren't friends."
"There was a time I thought we were Eli," Olivia said. "I think your Mom always suspected that I had feelings for your Dad. And she was right. I did."
Elliot took in a sharp breath. He'd always thought maybe she could have been attracted to him, interested even, but having the confirmation, from her telling his son, no less, was a bit of a shock.
"But I couldn't act on those feelings, and I wouldn't act on them," Olivia said. "One of your father's best qualities is his faithfulness. If he believes in something, if he loves someone or something, he'll stick by it to the end. And that is exactly what he did with your mother."
They were silent for a long time and Elliot thought they might be coming out to join him, until Eli spoke again.
"Do you hate me?" he asked.
"Of course not," Olivia said. "Why would you think that?"
"Dickie told me Mom and Dad almost got divorced right before I was born," Eli said. "He said if Dad hadn't knocked Mom up with me they would have. And if they did, maybe you could have been with him."
"Oh Eli," Olivia said. "Your birth, or even your parents' marriage was not the only thing that stood between me and your father ever having a relationship. We were partners at work, and I don't know if either one of us would have given that up for something else. Things were complicated back then. They still are. But your existence isn't what made it complicated. I am so glad you were born. And your Mom and Dad are, too."
Elliot knew what it meant for her to say that, even if Eli didn't. Her mother had never made her feel like it was a good thing she was born. She piled doubt and shame and guilt on Olivia that she never deserved. But she would not stand for Eli doing the same thing to himself.
"Do you think maybe you'd like to talk to your Dad about some of this?" Olivia said. "It might help him understand better exactly what's going on."
"You know he's probably standing at the door listening in on us," Eli said.
"Yeah, I do know that," Olivia said. "That was more of his cue to know he could come in now at any time."
Elliot poked his head in the door, looking sheepish.
"Uh, would either of you buy that I was just on my way back from the bathroom and happened to hear my name?" Elliot asked.
"Not for a second," Olivia said from where she was perched against Eli's desk.
"Bud, why didn't you tell me you've been feeling like this?" Elliot asked. "Or that you had concerns about Olivia or Mom or any of it?"
"You don't talk about stuff," Eli said.
"Well, just because I'm bad at it doesn't mean you have to be," Elliot said. "You can tell me anything. I'm your Dad."
"And you have enough to deal with already," Eli said. "You don't need me adding to it."
"You are not adding to anything," Elliot said. "It is my job, my most important job, to be your father first. More important than anything else. Even being undercover. And I'm sorry if for a while there I made you feel like it wasn't."
"Everything just sucks," Eli said. "And it's worse that it's almost Christmas. And the stupid trial?"
"I know," Elliot said. "I wish I could fast forward through Christmas, or make the trial be over. But I can't. I want to fix everything for you, but these are things I just can't fix."
"You're both being too hard on yourselves," Olivia said. "I have a soft spot for you Stabler men, but your instinct to lock up your emotions in a box and be strong and stoic is exhausting. You have to let yourself feel it in order to heal it."
"I'm sorry, did you earn your shrink license while I was gone?" Elliot asked.
"Don't make me kick your ass," she said.
"Sorry, Captain," Elliot said.
They were locked up in their banter and didn't realize Eli actually had started to show some emotion. He was crying.
"Can you guys not tell Dickie that I cried?" Eli said.
Olivia, letting her mother instincts come out, walked to the bed and sat down next to him.
"Nobody else needs to know," she said, putting an arm around his shoulders. "You let it out. You're safe here with us."
Seeing them together, her holding him again after yet another tragedy, the same way she had just moments after he took his first breath, stirred something inside Elliot. He felt tears pricking his own eyes. Ever observant, Olivia noticed.
"You too," she said, patting the bed on her other side, inviting Elliot to come sit with her.
He joined them, and she put her arm around his shoulders, too. Both Elliots mimicked each other, heads on her shoulders, silent tears, leaving their eyes.
Somehow her presence always made it feel like there was a light at the end of the tunnel.
My wide open lowered and my white flag raised
I am done with not doing you right
Eli eventually grew sleepy, worn out from the talk and his confessions. Elliot and Olivia both urged him to take a nap, or sleep through the night, if necessary. They tucked him in as if he was four, not fourteen, and left him to hopefully have sweeter dreams than he'd had in a while.
"Do you have time for a cup of coffee?" Elliot asked. "Glass of wine?"
"Sure," Olivia said. "Amanda texted, Noah and the girls want to have a sleepover, so I'm free the rest of the night."
"Good," Elliot said, walking to the kitching, digging around for the bottle of Rose he'd picked up, hoping he'd get to open it with her some day.
"Probably going to need to give you more than wine if you keep having to come save the day," Elliot said, reaching for the opener as she took the glasses out of the cupboard. "What's the going superhero rate these days? Diamonds? Luxury vacations?"
"I think I'll settle for both you and Eli having some peace of mind," she said, holding the stems of the glasses as he poured.
"It might be easier if I got you a diamond," he said, as she handed him a glass. They clinked them and carried their drinks to the couch.
"It's not easy, El," she said. "But talking and listening and everything, it really is for the best."
"Well, I was listening tonight," Elliot said. "To all of it."
"I knew you were outside that door," Olivia said. "I should have watched what I was saying."
"Liv, I told you I loved you in front of my children at an intervention," Elliot said. "What you said was at least in the context of a conversation."
"Well, you were stressed out at the intervention," Olivia said, taking a sip.
"Doesn't mean I didn't mean it," he said.
"You don't have to try to fix it, El," she said.
"I'm not trying to fix it," he said. "I'm trying to tell you the truth. No more secrets, no more dancing around the truth. I'm done with not doing right by you. You deserve better."
"Maybe tonight isn't the night to be making those kinds of decisions," she said.
"Was everything you said to Eli true?" Elliot asked. "About your feelings and our partnership and him being born?"
She hesitated for a moment and he wasn't sure if she was going to lie or not. She looked down at her hands and then back up at him.
"Yes," Olivia said. "I meant it."
"Then tonight is the perfect night to be making these kinds of decisions," Elliot said. "I've always had feelings for you, too. But you understand why we couldn't do anything. Why I had to go back to Kathy. You know. You always knew what we had was real, no matter what that letter said."
"I doubted it for a while," Olivia said. "I don't think you understand how hard it was to take your leaving without a word like that."
"You didn't see me when you went to Oregon," Elliot said. "I imagine it went something like that, only I was gone a hell of a lot longer, and I'm sorry for that."
"Can we call a truce?" Olivia asked. "No more leaving without at least telling the other person?"
"I'd like that," Elliot said. "I'd like to get back to where we were, Liv. I want to earn back your trust. And I'd really love to meet Noah, and have you help me when I don't know what to do with Eli."
"I'd like that too," Olivia said.
"What are we gonna do about… you know, the feelings and everything?" Elliot asked, looking into his wine glass.
"I told you before, we'll take everything one step at a time," Olivia said. "Let's get the trial over with, you and Eli situated. You can meet Noah. We'll let things progress naturally. It's always been better for us that way."
"Say I wanted to hold your hand right now," Elliot asked. "Is that okay?"
"Try it and find out," she said.
So, Elliot slid his hand into hers like she did the night they picked up Eli from Rockaway. She squeezed it back and ran her thumb over his knuckle while taking another sip of her wine.
She was right, but then again, she was usually right. They didn't need to rush things, but he was going to try his hardest not to let her down again.
Baby, catch a fallen star
It's burnin' up, breakin' apart
Let's bring it back down to a blanket on the ground
Baby, catch this fallen star
7 Months Later
"Mom, when are the fireworks going to start?" Noah asked, impatiently.
He'd been waiting for the Fourth of July for three weeks, ever since Elliot brought up the idea of renting a beach house for the holiday and spending a week out at Rockaway.
"Soon, Noah," she said. "They're just waiting until it gets dark enough."
"But we've been waiting forever," Noah said.
It was true, Elliot thought. It had felt like they'd been waiting forever. They'd gotten take out and brought it down to the beach, spread out a blanket and ate in the sand to claim their spot for the fireworks. That was hours ago, and while it was peaceful enough here on the beach, Elliot was getting a little impatient himself. He wanted to go back to the house, get the kids tucked into their room with video games or whatever and have a little alone time with Olivia.
"Here, bud," Elliot said, pulling his wallet from his cargo shorts. "Here's 20 bucks, go get Eli, Jack, and Sam to take you down to the ice cream cart. Cones for all of you on me."
"Thanks, El!" Noah said, snatching the money from his hand and jogging down near the water where the three older boys were practicing tricks with a soccer ball.
Elliot was glad Eli was having such a good time. His best friend Sam from Rome was visiting for the week and came with them on vacation, and his new best friend Jack, whose dad was a beat cop in midtown, had also come for the weekend. Eli was finally adjusting, had found a better crowd to hang out with, and much to both Elliot and Olivia's delight, he'd taken to Noah right away. Olivia thought that having more of a big brother/mentor role might give him more of a purpose, and she was right.
"I love seeing them together," Olivia said, leaning back on the beach blanket.
Elliot looked over at her. She seemed to be more relaxed than she'd been in a while. Her hair was up in a messy bun, her face free of makeup, dresses in jean shorts, a tank top, and a hoodie to stop the misty chill coming from the ocean after dark.
They'd been letting their friendship, relationship, whatever they could call it progress naturally, just like she suggested. They hadn't done anything too crazy, save for a few hot and heavy makeout sessions like they were still teenagers hiding in their parents' basements (although his mother had been just down the hall for a few of them, so there was still an element of that hanging in the air).
"I do too," Elliot said. "Noah's been good for Eli."
"And Eli's been good for Noah," Olivia said. "I was always worried he would be craving guy time as he got older and I wouldn't be able to give it to him.
"Don't you know by now that you can literally do anything you set your mind to?" Elliot said.
"Glad you see it that way," she said with a laugh.
Elliot looked up at the sky and had he blinked it might have missed the shooting star zooming across the sky. He wasn't completely sure he saw it at all.
"You see that?" he asked her.
"The shooting star?" she asked. "Yep."
"You're supposed to make a wish when you see one, right?" Elliot asked.
"That's what I've heard," she said.
Elliot thought hard about what wish he could come up with. Being on vacation with Olivia and their sons was more than he thought he deserved anyway. Maybe wishing for them to be an official family, Noah to be a Stabler, was wishing for too much, but that's what he was going with, lofty goal or not.
"What did you wish for?" Olivia asked.
"If I told you, it wouldn't come true," he said with a cheesy grin.
She rolled her eyes at him, good naturedly.
Before they could say anything else, the first firework lit up the sky.
"Finally," he heard Noah say and saw the kid scampering across the sand with his cone covered in rainbow sprinkles. He wiggled down onto the blanked right between Elliot and Olivia to get into position.
Eli and his friends were all taking their time, holding milkshakes instead of cones. When they got back to the blanket, Jack and Sam flopped to their stomachs in the sand, but Eli took to the blanket to sit next to Olivia. He leaned into her and she put her arm around him, and surprisingly he let her. Even for being 15 with his friends around.
After that night at the apartment where they talked, Eli started going to Liv more when he was having problems. They formed a bond, the one Elliot always thought and wished they were going to have after she saved his life and Kathy's. He was always surprised how Liv could be a surrogate mother figure for not just Eli, but all the kids, while still keeping Kathy's memory alive. It amazed him, after the letter and everything, how she could do it without resentment, but she never seemed to harbor any.
They watched the fireworks in silence, save for some oohs and aah's and "look at that ones." Noah eventually leaned back into Elliot, and he felt so lucky to be in the kid's life. In his mom's life again. When the grand finale started, Olivia leaned over Noah's head to whisper in Elliot's ear.
"Hey, can I tell you my wish if it's already come true?" Olivia asked.
"You wanted to see the grand finale?" Elliot teased.
"No," Olivia said. "I wished for this. Us, the boys, the vacation, our friendship, our closeness. This is what I wanted."
"I wished for something similar," Elliot said. "Little bigger. I've always had pretty big goals."
"Don't give up on it, El," Olivia said. "You may wear me down someday."
Then she leaned in and kissed him over Noah's head. She was still holding Eli, Noah still leaning against him, the fireworks booming in the background. If they could be here right now maybe he could wear her down to marriage someday. But for now, getting to love her and the boys, and his other kids, that could be good enough for him.
Shine down
Lady, let your love shine