A/N: So sorry for the delay. My personal life has been chaotic, and it didn't leave much time for meaningful edits to finish off this extremely long chapter! I didn't mean for it to go this long, but I think this is the final cut! At least you don't have to worry about getting the director's cut later. Ha! As always, thanks for reading and reviewing!
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Late Sunday afternoon, she got ready to take her family to the airport. Stan, Karen, Stan Jr., and Jimmy were all heading back tonight.
As they said their goodbyes, Amanda approached her. "Do you mind if I ride along?"
"Not at all."
Patrick wrapped his arm around her shoulder. "I'm ordering dinner in. Anything in particular sound good to you?"
She shrugged. "Whatever everyone else wants. I'm pretty easy today, and you know what I like from different places…but tacos! Tacos sound good!"
He kissed the side of her head before turning to her brothers. "You got it! It's been great seeing you all. We'll be out to see you for Thanksgiving."
"I'll have a new cousin at Thanksgiving!"
Karen smiled at Annie's declaration. "Another little Annie."
Annie frowned. "Couldn't you name her something else?"
"Well, we want to honor your grandma."
"But it's my name now!"
She decided to intervene. "Annie, it's okay. A lot of people in the world have your name. It's rather common. Besides, your name is Annabeth, but you just like being called Annie."
"Grandma was Annabeth and liked being called Annie, too." Yes, and grandma would have already told her to be quiet and to remember that little girls shouldn't talk all the time. Thankfully, some things do change. "But how will people know who we are?"
She rubbed Annie's back. "Annie, you're seven years old and live in California. I'm sure we will know which Annie we are talking about. Give your Aunt Karen a hug."
Karen squeezed Annie tightly. "Oh, you've got to stop growing so fast, but don't ever stop asking your questions!"
Annie smiled at that. She remembered what it felt like to be a little girl who was bothering people, too. After making her rounds, she was off to get her suit on. The girls were getting into the pool with their dad and grandma.
The ride to the airport was pretty quiet. Well, mostly because everyone was quietly spying on Jimmy and Amanda who were cuddled together in the third row of the SUV.
Amanda was sitting in the middle of the seat with her body curled into Jimmy's chest and his arm wrapped around her. The part of her that felt deeply awkward at seeing such a public display of affection wanted to tell them to break it up. But the romantic in her–the one that Patrick had awakened–saw the sweetness in this intimate, but public, moment.
"It'll just be a few weeks, baby."
"I know, and I'm going to miss you for every bit of those two weeks until you come to visit."
"I doubt it. You'll be so busy with your internship! You're always saying how busy you are."
"That doesn't mean I don't miss you, Jimmy." They kissed again.
She caught both Stan's and Karen's gazes out of the corner of her eye. She knew Stan was doing his best, probably at the behest of Karen, to hold back the teasing that Jimmy would totally be getting later. Admittedly, it was a bit much, but also, she thought of being without her husband for two weeks. And instantly, she could feel the sorrow and the importance of these last moments before separation. She couldn't imagine being without him that long.
After parking the car, she and Amanda walked them to the security checkpoint. As she said her goodbyes to Stan and Karen, Jimmy and Amanda held onto each other.
She wondered if she'd even get to tell her brother goodbye, which made her just a little jealous of Amanda. Jimmy had always been her baby brother. She cleared her throat.
Amanda held Jimmy's face in her palms. "I love you."
"I love you, too."
They kissed. Again. She cleared her throat. Again. This time, they broke apart.
"Just wanted to say goodbye to my brother."
"Ah, Reese! You know I wouldn't leave without saying goodbye."
He leaned for a hug as she whispered into his ear. "You take care of yourself, Jimmy. And remember what we talked about."
"Yeah." Stan was waving for him to come along. "Well, I guess that's my cue to leave."
They stood there, watching them walk away. Amanda had wrapped her arms around herself. She was completely gone as she started to sob.
She'd not spent a ton of time around them since the big reveal on Saturday, and she'd not been able to talk to Amanda at all, but the tears streaming down her face as they watched Jimmy walk away and the sadness in his eyes as he turned and waved goodbye to her one last time told her everything she needed to know.
She wrapped her arm around Amanda's shoulders. "Come on. Let's get some ice cream."
She just nodded. "Thanks for not being weird."
"Huh?"
"I mean, for not telling everyone and letting us do things on our own time."
"Yeah, no problem. I didn't really know anything was going on for this long, but you're both adults."
"I love him."
"I can see that."
"No, I mean, not in the sense that it's something that's temporary. I really love him, Teresa. You don't know what a kind and gentle soul Jimmy really is. He's so good to me."
"Well, we have had a good 28 years together. I have a pretty good sense that my brother is a fantastic human being."
She should know. She'd been integral in raising him.
"He's a good man. I love him."
"You don't have to defend your relationship to me."
"But I don't know that I'm good enough for him! He's so good to me, and I don't know if I deserve him. He's been so great about being long distance, but I know he needs me there. I need him."
"Well, Amanda, you have school. He knows that."
Her sobs intensified.
She'd been here before. If none of the other signs pointed to how serious this was, she could hear her own doubts in Amanda's voice–those doubts she had when she first met Patrick, when she thought he'd surely find someone more of his caliber in short order. Some days, she still felt it. He was an exceptionally good man, and she didn't know what she did to deserve his love. She certainly never wanted to be apart from him.
Jimmy and Amanda may have been in hiding for a year, but it was clear they were on a path.
"Well, have you asked him about coming out to stay with you permanently?"
"No. He loves his home, and I am really hoping to get a match in Chicago."
Obviously, Jimmy had yet to share with Amanda how flexible he was willing to be on that matter. She stayed quiet, reminding herself that conversations with Jimmy were between the two of them. That wasn't her business.
"I know, but he may be able to find work in San Francisco while you finish school."
"Maybe. I don't want to put him out. I should go to him."
"Not necessarily. I'm sure if you've talked about this, he understands."
She nodded. "Teresa, can I tell you something?"
"You can tell me anything. Whatever you say will stay between us."
"I think I'm pregnant."
She coughed. "What?"
Holy shit. She should've thought better before making that promise. She didn't not want to be in the middle of this.
Amanda just nodded. "I'm late."
"Did you tell Jimmy?"
"No. It's just with everything going on this weekend, I didn't have the time, and I don't know." She started to wring her hands.
"What don't you know? If you think you're pregnant, you should take a test."
Didn't they teach them this in medical school?
"Will you sit with me while I take a test?"
Though her head was racing with everything that could possibly go wrong, Amanda's request brought her back to reality quickly. Amanda was still her sister-in-law, and she needed someone now.
"Sure. I have a couple of unused tests at home."
"I didn't want to do it at your house. My mom and dad are there."
At least Jimmy and Amanda were on the same page about hiding things.
So, she stopped at a pharmacy before heading to the ice cream shop. As she knew the owner well enough by this point, she didn't say a word as they immediately hit the bathroom. She sat on the sink and waited for Amanda to come out of the stall with her sample. They waited a few minutes in silence before Amanda looked at her.
"Will you read it for me?"
She could barely believe the words she was speaking aloud. "Two pink lines. You're pregnant."
Wow. The Lisbon family certainly was in sync.
Amanda burst into tears, and she immediately brought her arm around her to comfort her. She wasn't sure if these were tears of joy or something else.
"How are you feeling, honey?"
"I don't know! I don't know! This can't be happening!"
Clearly, not tears of joy. "Okay. That's perfectly okay."
"I can't have this baby."
"That's okay. Is…is Jimmy the father?"
She guffawed, seemingly offended. "Of course he is!"
She nodded, slightly chastising herself for such a stupid question. She wasn't sure what prompted that question, especially considering that had been her assumption until now.
"Okay. I wasn't accusing you of anything. I didn't want to assume. I think you need to talk to Jimmy about this."
"No! I love him, and I don't want him to hate me."
"Why would he hate you?"
"Teresa, I'm serious. I don't think I can…I think I need to…"
Even as a young woman who was a med student who grew up a thousand miles away from her, she knew that she'd probably received the same talk she had about the mortal sin of abortion.
"Terminate the pregnancy?"
She nodded. "It's just that this is terrible timing. I have one year of rotations left. I don't want Jimmy to think that I don't want him or that I don't want a family with him. I love him, and I want to marry him. We've talked about it, you know? I don't want it to be over before it starts!"
"Carrying a pregnancy to term is something that even with the most wonderful, supportive father to be is difficult. There is a lot of change to your body and life. It's not about Jimmy. It's your life."
"But I don't want him to think that I'm rejecting him. I'm not! It's just not right now."
She rubbed her back. "I understand that, but I still think you should talk to him."
"Would you tell Patrick?"
She didn't hesitate. "Yes. Because I trust him. I would want to talk to him and talk through things, but in the end, I trust that he trusts me to make the decisions I need to make."
Getting injured while she was pregnant with Charlotte taught her that. Partick would see her through anything, and she could trust him with anything.
She continued. "And if you and Jimmy are serious, you need to know that you have his trust. I think you should talk to him."
"Do you like being a mom?"
"I love being a mom. There was a time where I wasn't sure it would ever be possible, but Annie and Charlotte mean the world to me."
"I want to be a mom."
She wasn't sure what to say to that. Was she opening up an opportunity to be talked out of her choice or to be persuaded? She really didn't know what to do here. This is something that she hadn't gone through because both of her pregnancies had been planned. Sorta. In any case, they wanted a family. It didn't sound like Amanda was sure this was for her yet. She took a moment to gather herself as she rubbed Amanda's arm. She thought of what Patrick might say.
"You can be a mom when you choose. Sometimes, it's not right at the moment. Doesn't mean it's not right later. And you're what? 25?"
"Yes."
She noticed Amanda's fingers graze across her abdomen. She'd done that herself a few times, trying to sense a connection with the child, or in this case children, growing inside of her. The children she very much wanted.
Though, she realized the difference between her situation and Amanda's. Every woman had her own difficulties surrounding this choice. She didn't want to push any certain choice on her. She needed support.
"You have time. I don't think Jimmy would take that as rejection. It's more like a reality of your current situation, but I think it's important for you to think this through and talk to him."
Or at least she hoped he had enough sense to be rational about this and at least hear her wishes. Though, she wasn't even sure what those wishes were given her current reaction. However, she understood how much this could be to take in.
"You really think I should talk to him about it?"
"I do. If you can't talk to him about this, what kind of things can you talk to him about?"
Amanda nodded. "Can we get ice cream now?"
"Of course!"
Disposing of the test and washing her hands, she linked arms with Amanda and they walked out to get their sundaes together.
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On Monday, her alarm went off at 6:00 on the dot. After a great weekend with her family, it was time to get back into the grind of work.
As usual, Patrick was still out cold next to her. Pressing a kiss to his cheek, she got up and into her running gear. Before heading out she peeked her head into the nursery to check on Charlotte. She was still sprawled out asleep in her crib. Annie's door was still closed, so that was a good indicator that she was still asleep–or had found something to keep her attention on this summer morning.
During her run, lots of things ran through her head. They'd need to either move Charlotte so the twins could be closer to them, or they could leave her there and eventually convert her room into a big girl room. The twins brought a lot of new things to think about–along with fresh worries.
The fact that she'd just let Charlotte tumble down the stairs on Saturday hadn't quite left her. She was so engaged with Annie and Patricia that her oversight could have led to a serious injury. Now, they are adding more little ones to the mix. Annie was older, and Charlotte would be a bit more mobile and vocal in the next 6 months. Though, that thought also made her shudder. She didn't want to force her girls to grow up too quickly to add more kids to the brood.
She didn't have to have all of the answers today. And it was something that she and Patrick could–and would have to–discuss over the coming months. She also felt increasingly nervous over how much he was taking on. He loved being a stay at home dad. Anytime anyone asked him about it, he spoke about it like it was the greatest thing he'd ever done. Even if he loved being a stay at home dad, 3 kids under two years old for an extended amount of time could be a lot.
When she returned home, she could smell coffee in the kitchen.
"Good morning, dear!"
She smiled as her mother-in-law placed a mug of coffee into her hands. "Thanks! Is this…"
"It's decaf."
"Thank you. You're up early!" She made her way to the sink to grab a glass of water.
"I promised Annie some of my special biscuits this morning."
"Ah. She loves those!"
"She does." Patricia smiled at her. "While we are alone, there's something I want to ask you."
"Okay."
She wiped her hands on her apron. "It seems Patrick has been avoiding Paul. You wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you?"
"Avoiding Paul?"
"Yes. Paul has invited him to a number of activities, but he always declines. Do you know anything about that? I was hoping maybe you could give me some insight."
She shrugged. "I honestly don't know. I didn't know Paul had invited him anywhere."
"He's looking to bond with Patrick a bit. It's important to him, and well, it's important to me too."
"Well, Patricia, he's never said anything about it. He's never expressed any dislike for Paul."
"I know. It's just that…it's hard. It's like I'm coming back into Paddy's life after a long absence, and I know with that came many changes. Paul is one of those changes."
She paused before continuing. Of course, she'd made observations on this. Patrick held no ill will toward Paul. However, he was a little awkward around him like he didn't know what he was supposed to do with him.
"I know that, Patricia. My honest read on the situation is that Patrick is a good man. And he's an excellent father. Part of that is because he didn't seem to have a particularly great one. He's a bit old to be in the market for a dad, don't you think?"
"I can see that, and I don't think that's what Paul is looking to do. He'd like to get to know Paddy…and it's all my fault, isn't it? This whole mess is my fault!"
Her mother in law was shaking as she brought her palm to her forehead.
Overall, Patricia was a well adjusted, well put together woman. She was a great mom and a great grandma. However, there were these moments where the weight of her 27 year absence from Patrick's life came crashing around her shoulders.
"I don't know that it is."
"If I'd been straightforward with Paul from the beginning…he was always willing to step up and help raise Paddy. I was so young and stupid. I didn't think…well, Thomas loved telling me what a favor he'd done me. He was sure to let me know how lucky I was that he would take me and Paddy in the way he had. As though he wasn't a 21 year old who had gotten a 15 year old pregnant before revealing that his life plan was for me to be an integral part in his cons!"
She blinked rapidly. She'd never heard that part of the story. "You were 15 and he was 21?"
"Yes." Patricia must've caught her reaction because she followed up quickly. "But it was a different time."
"I don't know that it was that different."
Within seconds, it hit her that Patricia was still a child herself when she had him. She'd never asked Patricia her age or paid any attention to the background check Sam had done a while back beyond the fact that she was clean. She was barely an adult when she made the decision that separated her from her son permanently.
Patricia met her with a reproachful gaze. "My parents tried to send me to a home for wayward girls to help me get things back on track. When I wouldn't go, they disowned me. Do you know what those places were?"
"No."
"They'd make pregnant teenagers do hard labor and atone for the sin of sex before marriage. Then, when you had the baby, they forced you to give them away to good families who would love them because a wayward girl couldn't possibly love her child. Then, everyone just pretended you'd been away doing something for the greater good for the better part of the year and that nothing else ever happened. I didn't want that. From the moment I first felt him, I wanted my son."
"Oh. No, I didn't know places like that were real."
"Very real. It's why I made sure the girls had all of the information they needed when it was time. It's why you have to make sure your girls have the information they need when it's time."
"I definitely will." She'd had her fair share of bad relationships and being pushed toward things she wasn't ready for to know that way too many people were just looking for an opportunity to exploit young women.
Patricia looked away from her. "But maybe they were right. Maybe he would've been better off if I'd let a nice family take him. It might have been the kindest thing I could have done for him."
"I don't know that he would agree with that."
"Maybe not now when he's so settled in his life. But I can't help but think about those many years he wasn't settled. It's like when Charlotte fell down the stairs the other day, and you rushed over to her. You probably still think it was your fault that she fell."
"I do think there are things I could do better next time."
"I wasn't able to protect him from loneliness and God knows the number of other struggles he faced. He had to build all of this by himself."
"You can't turn the clock back."
"No, but I wish I could. You have no idea how much I wish I could go back and tell my younger self to make better choices."
She shrugged. "What other choices could you make?"
"When I met Paul, it was a con that Thomas had set into motion. Only, I couldn't go through with it. He was too kind. I confessed the con to him, expecting he'd never want to see me again. But that wasn't Paul. I was still convinced that I had to work through everything alone to get a place for me and Paddy, even after he took me in. If I'd just told him about Paddy up front, he would have helped me keep him and raise him. He would've been a great father to Paddy just like he was to our other kids."
She still felt the unbearable weight of guilt for her decisions. Charlotte only fell down the stairs on her watch; Patrick grew up with an untold amount of emotional abuse that he was still digging his way out of on Patricia's.
She took her mother in law's hand. "Patricia, maybe this is out of turn. But I don't think you can go on like this. I don't think you should. From everything you've told me, and from everything Patrick has told me, you were abused. You were young, scared, and didn't feel like you had other choices. You did the best you could at the time–and I think he understands that."
"But that doesn't change how I hurt him. That's what I struggle with so much, Teresa. I was so scared the night Thomas threw me out that I just called Paul. Why didn't I run into that trailer and grab my son? At the time, it made so much sense to leave and go get him later. Now, I see what a fatal mistake it was. I hurt him, and worse, I let him be hurt."
"You know, he's really fine."
"I don't know that that's true. And I don't even think you believe that."
Well, deep down, she knew her husband always overcompensated for a reason. Part of it was his feelings of self-doubt and an ex-wife who'd done a number on his self-esteem for her own benefit.
"He loves having you in his life. He loves his siblings. I think it's strange for him to figure out his relationship with Paul, but it's something he can work on. Maybe you should talk to him about it."
"I don't know."
"I think you do know. You're afraid of how he'll react. He's not angry with you, and he's not angry with Paul. He's not looking for your guilt or to punish you. If he were, he would have never contacted you. That's not the kind of man he is. He doesn't sit around blaming others for what went wrong in his life, looking to punish them or to get ahead. He looks ahead to the future. It's how we were able to build our family. That's what we both wanted to do: look ahead. If you're concerned, talk to him."
"Sometimes, I just feel a real disconnect with my children, and I don't know what part of that is my fault or how much of it is just normal. It's like how I know Amanda is pregnant, but she's not talking to me about it."
She spluttered. "Wow. Amanda's what?"
Patricia narrowed her eyes. "You can drop the act. You're a terrible liar, and you've already shown your hand."
"I…"
"You're sworn to secrecy. I get it. I figured it out last week. We rarely spend so much time in one place together anymore. But there was just something different about her. Her whole aura changed, like I knew you were expecting again but just waiting for you to tell me. When she and Jimmy disclosed their relationship, I did the math. But she's not said a word to me about it."
She was suddenly starting to feel suffocated. Between Jimmy and Amanda, she knew too much about them. She didn't want to hold these secrets, but she would. She'd promised.
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"Of course you don't. It's not like I know anything about it." Patricia sipped her coffee as she turned away. She didn't really know the words to say to soothe her at this moment. Did it matter if people told you that you're a good mother who raised decent kids if you had trouble believing it yourself?
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The phone had been ringing nearly all morning about the new case that Hightower's team picked up. Brenda had even been by her office to talk about coordinating press for the case.
With a heavy sigh, she picked up her phone. "This is Lisbon."
"Lisbon, I need to see you in my office ASAP."
"Sure thing, Director Bertram."
With that, she was off to his office in the capitol building. She was offered one of the offices near his, in fact. But like Minnelli, she chose to stay with her people in the CBI.
Walking into his office, she noticed a black man in thick rimmed glasses and a gray suit sitting there quietly.
She nodded at him. "Good morning."
Bertram cleared his throat. "Special Agent in Charge Lisbon, this is Agent Dennis Abbott with the FBI. Agent Lisbon handles our day to day operations at the CBI."
She extended her hand to the man. She noticed his good natured grin when he shook her hand.
"It's nice to meet you, Agent Abbott."
"Likewise, Agent Lisbon. I've heard a lot about your work at the CBI."
"Agent Abbott is here in search of inter-agency cooperation."
For a brief moment, she noticed his mask slip, but it was only for a brief moment. Bertram's mood and demeanor could swing like a pendulum. Sometimes, he was good natured and friendly. Other times, he was eager to write anyone and everyone off. He didn't seem overly enthused with the appearance of the FBI here this morning.
"Okay. How can the CBI help the FBI?"
"I realize one of your teams picked up a triple homicide this morning."
"Yes, Agent Hightower's team." Her old team.
"We believe that the homicide is related to an ongoing art theft case that my team has been working on for nearly a year."
"Art theft?"
"Yes, millions in art work has gone missing over the last 18 months. We suspect that one of the men killed, Allen Miller, was involved in the thefts."
"Okay, I can connect you with Agent Hightower's team."
Bertram interrupted. "Agent Lisbon, I think it's best that you handle this personally."
"Personally?"
"That's what I said, isn't it? Accompany Agent Abbott and his team, help them get set up, and coordinate our cooperation. I am depending on you to make this happen."
She sighed, forcing a fake smile to her face. "Of course, sir. Anything else?"
"Depending on me to make you look good when you're completely apathetic is more like it," she thought.
If ever asked, she would sing his praises and say what a great working relationship they had. But she knew the truth and where she really stood.
On her first day back from maternity leave, she was called to Bertram's office with Minnelli.
"Agent Lisbon, it's great to have you back!"
She smiled nervously. The tone of his voice wasn't that welcoming. "It's great to be back, Director Bertram."
"Do you know why we've called you here, Lisbon?" He leaned back in his chair, showing a sign of disinterest.
She looked at Minnelli who nodded. "No, I'm not sure."
"So, I'll just say it then, since daddy couldn't tell you."
That shocked her as Minnelli interjected. "Bertram!"
"What? You had ample opportunity to tell her, but you obviously didn't want to."
"A little decorum would be nice."
Bertram sighed as she looked at Minnelli in confusion. "Fine."
"Tell me what?"
"You're not qualified for field duty. Did that demonstrate enough decorum, Minnelli?"
"I'm sorry? Sir, my maternity leave is up, and I completed my physical last week. I have no conditions, and…"
"You can't shoot a long range firearm, right?"
She nodded slowly. Although she'd had surgery to repair her rotator cuff, she had permanent nerve damage. The reverberation when firing a long range gun was too much on her shoulder.
"Yes, but I don't regularly use a long range firearm."
"CBI policy requires all agents to be proficient in every firearm that we could carry. You no longer qualify, at least that's what I gather from your physical."
"Well, sir, I'd like to apply for an exemption. I believe…"
Ignoring her, he continued. "And it seems that since this injury happened on the job, my options are to either offer you an early retirement or promote you so that you are no longer a field agent."
She looked at Minnelli uncertainly. She knew of his plan to retire, but if this was how he was breaking it to her…
"Sir, as I said, I will apply for an exemption."
"Apply. I'll deny it. I can't have you risking the lives of other agents."
She'd not spent a lot of time in recent months thinking about him, but suddenly, Ray Haffner was at the forefront of her mind again. No, she could never put anyone else in danger like that.
"So, why am I here?"
"Minnelli, would you like to do the honors?"
Her boss nodded. "Lisbon, I am retiring next month. I'd like to start training you for my job."
"So, Agent Lisbon, your options are: early retirement or be Special Agent in Charge of the Sacramento Office. Either way, it seems like you come out nicely here."
"I'm sorry?"
"Well, just think of how much time you'll get at home with your family. And if you choose the option where you're promoted, you will look great on our promotional materials and in the media! First woman to be second in command of the CBI—and a wife and mother to boot!"
She heard Minnelli groan loudly at her side as she continued to study Bertram, trying to decide if she should just tell him to shove his insincere choice up his ass.
The fake smile plastered across his face when he said it indicated that he was taunting her. While that was probably true, he wanted to be sure that he didn't see her as a full agent in his eyes. She was now a liability with other concerns ahead of the work. All it took was Thomas McAllister to make her worst nightmares a reality.
Minnelli cleared his throat. "I think what Director Bertram is saying is that this promotion is good for your career. You're already well equipped for this job…"
"Although there are many more men ahead of her who are also prepared." Bertram cut in. It didn't escape her notice that he specifically said "men ahead of her."
Minnelli shook his head before continuing. "I have already expressed to the Director that you are the absolute best choice for the job, despite your injuries."
At his mention of her injuries, she shrank in her chair a bit, looking away.
"Lisbon, I think you're very qualified for the job. You are the right person to lead this office. I can't do this job anymore, and it's time for me to hand off the torch."
"Sure."
Bertram spoke again. "Take the week and think about it. If not, we'll get your retirement package set up. That'll free even more of your time to run after your kids or whatever."
Again, reminding her that she was a liability. She wondered if the same would be true if a male agent were in her shoes.
She went to her office and sat there for a few minutes before becoming so upset that she left. She went home, tears in her eyes as she drove home. How was her career actually over?
Of course, there was a spot for her in administration. She'd never had any real desire to be in administration. She wanted to be a field agent! That's what she was made for. She assumed that's where she'd be until she retired, not facing the choice of desk duty or retirement at the age of 33!
When she got home, Patrick was on the sofa watching one of his shows.
"Hey, honey. You're home early. Want me to…"
"Where is she?"
"Charlotte?"
"Yeah."
He placed the remote on the table. "She's napping. Is everything okay?"
Seeing his smile, even as it started to fade to worry, she felt safe and loved—and that's when her tears started to flow.
"No. I wish I could say it is, but it's not."
He was up off the couch now, walking toward her before wrapping his arms around her. "What's wrong? Did you miss Charlotte? I read that this could happen."
"No! Patrick, I am not just so emotional because I can't be near my baby for a few hours! Not everything in my life is about being a mom!"
Truthfully, it was hard leaving home this morning. However, she was tired of people thinking that's all she was now. She had no other purpose to men like Director Bertram who thought she was a walking liability.
"Okay, I didn't mean it like that. You're worrying me. What's wrong?"
"I no longer qualify as a field agent."
"What? Because you had a baby?"
Deep down, that had been her fear going into this. Somehow, this seemed even worse. Hearing Bertram this morning, it seemed he felt that she managed to get a colleague killed, so it was best to put her behind a desk.
"No, because I can't fire a long range firearm. The reverberation…"
"Your shoulder." She nodded. "Baby, I'm so sorry. Surely, there's something we can do."
"Patrick, you were there the same as I was. The nerve damage is permanent. I'm not recovering from that."
"Can't they make an exception? I mean, you were injured in the line of duty!"
"Yeah, the exception is early retirement."
"What the hell did they say?"
"Our Director told me that he wasn't letting me in the field to let other agents get hurt. I think the 'again' might have been implied."
"Teresa, that's bullshit. You've not let anyone get hurt."
She shrugged. "I guess not, but I don't meet the qualifications of a field agent. He won't give me an exemption. I can either take an early retirement package, or I can take Minnelli's job."
"Minnelli's job?"
"Yeah, he's retiring."
"Oh. Okay. I'm sorry. So, they want to promote you?"
"To a paper pusher, yes."
"That doesn't sound like a real CBI job."
"Supervising Agent in Charge of the Sacramento Office."
"Well, I'm sure there's a lot you can still do in that position. You know, a lot of good things you could accomplish. How are you feeling about this? We could always talk to a lawyer…"
"Patrick, I don't want to sue the state! I want to turn the clock back to whenever it was that I became the CBI's damaged goods."
Only, she knew all too well when that happened. For the first time in months, she had now thought of him twice today. Maybe he was in hell laughing that he'd been somewhat successful in his quest because she was done now.
Her husband's soft voice as he took her hands brought her back to him.
"Hey, look at me. You're not damaged goods. You're Teresa Lisbon Jane. You are smart, funny, accomplished, and talented far beyond things related to the CBI. Whatever this decision is, it wasn't about your ability to actually do your job."
She nodded, tears still in her eyes. Maybe she was overreacting. After all, it was a promotion. Her hours would be Monday through Friday 9 to 5 from now on–unless something big went down outside of hours. She was guaranteed all weekends and holidays. The pay, not that it mattered nor was she ever in it for that, would increase. With this promotion, she would be the Director's second in command.
Only, he didn't seem too fond of her.
"He told me to take the week to think about it."
"Then, I think you should think about it. And baby, if this isn't what you want, then we can go back to the drawing board. But don't you ever say you're damaged goods because you're not–not to me, not to our kids, and not to so many other people. Your limited abilities speak only to the type of gun you can hold and safely fire. That's it. You still have a lot to contribute to the CBI, and if you want to do something else, that's okay too."
She did take the week, like her husband suggested. At the end of that week, she'd come to the realization that he was right. She still had a lot to contribute. As Minnelli had been a great mentor to her, she could be that to others.
Minnelli smiled when she told him her decision. "I'm happy that you're the one taking my position!"
That was enough to get her going, but missing the daily interactions with Cho, Rigsby, and Van Pelt was hard. Even though she still saw them, and now Hightower, at game night every couple weeks, her new title carried a bit of workplace loneliness with it. She didn't just have her team anymore; she had the whole office to manage.
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When she got back to her office and checked her personal cell, she had several missed calls and texts from Patrick and Jimmy. Given the number of messages, she was a bit afraid to look. She started to listen to one of her husband's voicemails when his face flashed across the screen. He was calling again. This couldn't be good.
"Hey, honey, what's going on?"
"Is there any way you can come home early?"
"How early?"
"Like now."
"Why?" Then, she heard voices screaming at each other in the background. "What's going on?"
"Well, Amanda is pregnant. We discovered that at breakfast."
"You discovered that at breakfast?"
"More like mom threw her biscuit down and asked why her daughter thought she should hide a relationship and a pregnancy from her."
That…didn't really seem much like Patricia. Patricia was usually much more laid back and the kind of person good with hard conversations. Though, she had been on edge this morning. Maybe something was going on with her.
"Patrick, I just got assigned…"
"Ok, but this is their relationship blowing up in our faces already. Amanda swears we're all against her and Jimmy."
She sighed. "Shit. That's probably why I have a ton of messages from Jimmy."
"Did you…know about this?"
Well, it didn't matter now. "Yes, I sat with her while she took the test yesterday. She asked me to sit with her, and she asked for my confidence."
Her husband let out a heavy sigh on the other end of the line. "Okay. Well, you could've at least told me this was coming down the pike."
"Why should I have told you? She asked for my complete confidence because she wasn't in a place where she was ready to talk about this yet. It's not my business to tell the world."
"But I'm your husband. Now, my mother and sister are in a screaming match for their lives, and I have nothing to help calm the situation."
"Where is Paul?"
"He's trying to calm mom down, but she's…she's pissed. She said Amanda is throwing all of her opportunities away, and she's beside herself. I am not sure why. I got a totally different vibe about her thoughts on Jimmy yesterday."
She closed her eyes. This morning's conversation made a lot of sense now. "It's not about Jimmy."
"Yeah, I don't know about that. She's said she's not letting her daughter waste her life with a no good loser. Sorry. I don't think she means to be so harsh about Jimmy."
"No, it's okay."
That wasn't about Jimmy at all. It was about another man she'd known long ago.
She felt compelled to keep Patricia's confidence from this morning as she had for Amanda. But it was rather clear now where this was coming from: she was anxious about the suffering of her children and her inability to control it.
"Please. Can you come home? I really need you here."
"Yeah, let me clear a few things and I'll be there."
Quickly, she made sure Hightower's team was set to go with the FBI and peeled off for the afternoon, letting her assistant know she'd be available by phone.
She called Jimmy as soon as she got in the car. "Jimmy, what's going on?"
"How could you do this, Reese?"
"Do what?"
"You said that you supported me and Amanda! It seems that's just what you wanted me to think so long as I was there, right?"
"Jimmy, I have no idea what you're talking about! I've been at work all morning. I'm driving home now because apparently Amanda and her mom are fighting."
"Amanda called earlier and said now her family is freaking out and that you've been talking to her mom. What did you say to her?"
"I didn't say anything!"
"That's not what Amanda said. She said that you don't support us. What's going on? I told you things because you're my sister, and I trusted you!"
"Jimmy, settle down! I never said anything about you and Amanda to anyone. I'm sure this is a misunderstanding."
"A misunderstanding? I trusted you, and I told you how much she means to me! How could you do this?"
She huffed. She wasn't about to sit here and take this.
"I'm headed home in the middle of the fucking day because there are people at my house fighting like cats and dogs, and I am somehow in the middle of it! I won't sit here and listen to you question whether I would do anything to hurt you or let anyone else do something to hurt you for that matter."
"Teresa…"
"No, I'm talking! Look, I'm going to try to get this situation settled. I suggest that you call Amanda later on and talk to her."
"She's not answering!"
"Probably because she's fighting with her mother!" She stopped herself just short of saying why she was fighting with her mother. She'd kept her confidence, and she intended to do that still. Obviously, she'd not told Jimmy the reason for their fight. "Jimmy, you're my brother. I love you, and I really hate being in the middle of this. This is what I feared would happen. I'm pulling up at my house now to go put this fire out. Just try to calm down."
When she arrived at home, Patricia and Amanda were still going.
"You bitch!" Amanda was screaming at her. "I can't believe you told her!"
Patrick was just rubbing his chin as she looked at him in bewilderment. "I didn't tell anyone anything! What the hell is going on?"
"My mom confronted me about being pregnant, and you were the only one who knew! I trusted you!"
Patricia guffawed. "I didn't need anyone to tell me anything! I'm your mother. Do you think I didn't notice the changes?"
Blinking rapidly, Amanda returned her attention to her. "Oh, you didn't tell her?"
She shook her head. "No, I didn't tell anyone. I promised you I'd be discreet. I was."
Patrick chuckled softly. "Yeah, not even me, so when you two got going, I had no idea what's going on."
Great. Her husband was upset with her. "Patrick…"
"Why did you bring them into this, Amanda? You brought your brother and his family into this mess! You're clearly not ready for something so serious!"
"I know that!" Amanda screamed. "I didn't want to tell you because I'm thinking about an abortion, okay? Is that what you wanted to hear? Your stupid fucking daughter is going to hell for killing her kid because she's so selfish she's choosing herself over her baby? Is that what you wanted to hear? One more reason to be disappointed in me! Or not since you think I'd be a terrible mother and that I'm not ready for something so serious!"
A dead silence fell over the room as Amanda looked down at her feet, wrapping her arms around herself before she started to weep. Quietly, Paul approached his daughter, placing his arm around her back.
"It's okay, Pumpkin."
She swallowed thickly as she approached her mother in law, taking her by her arm. "Why don't we go for a drive?"
Silently, Patricia followed her out to her car with her head held low. They rode in silence for a little bit as tears streamed down her face. No, she'd never asked about her age or anything like that, but right now she could see the fear of a young woman writ across her face.
"I know I made a mess of this, Teresa. That's what I do. I make messes for my kids to deal with. I should be thankful if any of them want anything to do with me."
"For what it's worth, I've found that people who care enough to argue about things usually care enough to stay around."
"Sure. Why wouldn't she tell me that? I'm her mother. I've always told her she could talk to me about anything. I always wanted my girls to know they didn't have to be ashamed."
"Like you were."
"What?"
"This morning, you were shaken up. You were thinking about Patrick's dad. You don't want Amanda to turn out like you."
She scoffed. "My parents wanted me to be perfect, and when I wasn't, they threw me out like trash. Of course, I was happy to go at that time because I was in love. Looking back, if I'd listened so many people wouldn't have been hurt."
"That's one way to think of it. But…you know that this is different, right?"
"I know. Amanda is a little older than I was then, but the stakes are so high. She needs to finish her internship…and God, she was already considering her options. She didn't want to tell me because she was afraid I'd judge her decision. But that's the thing, I'd never judge her. I'd never make her make any kind of choice she didn't want to make. I'd support her no matter what. Only, she doesn't want me or my support!"
"I don't think that's true. You know how much judgment there is around something like that, right?"
"I know there is, but she trusted you enough to tell you that that's what she wants."
"I think it's more so that she's considering her options, and I just happened to be the one there at the time. But I was actually thinking the situations are different because you're not your parents. You're here for Amanda in ways they weren't for you. Nothing bad is going to happen to her because you love her. In fact, your love is going to make her better and stronger. And I've never met that man, but Jimmy is nothing like him from what I can tell."
"I'm so sorry that you were put in the middle of this. I acted like such a crazy person."
"Shit happens. Families are tough sometimes."
She was silent for a moment. "What happened today…it's why I struggle a lot, especially with Paddy."
That was somewhat out of leftfield. They got along great. "Why?"
"I want the best for my kids. I know you can relate to that. I always wanted the best for Paddy. Even in all of those years apart, I hoped he was off having the grandest adventures and being happy. I don't know if that was me being naive or just wishful thinking. I should've known better, and I should've been better."
"You can't keep punishing yourself for something that is in the past. The past is the past."
"I know he's a grown man with everything he needs now. He has you, and those gorgeous little girls. I love to see him so happy, but I can only see all of the ways I failed him. I don't know how to fix it. I want to fix it all so bad. You have no idea! It's why I've been hard on Amanda about the men she sees. I don't want her to make the messes I have so that she can be pushing 50 thinking about how to fix it all."
"Well, Patricia, I'm not sure you've made the messes that you think you have. Not with Patrick, and not with Amanda. Your kids love you. I think Amanda is exploring her options. She mentioned terminating the pregnancy first, but she also asked me what it's like being a mom seconds later. I think she's thinking about things. From what I know, she's also not told Jimmy."
"Jimmy doesn't know?"
"No. I've also heard from him today asking why I turned against him."
"Oh no." She squeezed her eyes shut.
"What?"
"I assumed the worst. I know he's your brother, but I just…I assumed he'd left her to figure it all out."
"Not to my knowledge. She's afraid of making him upset if she chooses to terminate. I encouraged her to talk to him. After all, it's what families do."
She nodded. "You're right. It is what families do. Will you take me back please? I need to talk to my daughter, like actually talk to her."
"Of course."
The drive back was silent, but there was something she mulled over during the drive. She reached for Patricia's arm before she could get out. "Patricia?"
"Yeah?"
"Have you ever thought about talking to someone?"
"No. I usually…"
"Just deal with your problems. Yeah, I get it. I'm that way too, but you're holding onto a lot of things that you try to bury deep to be a super mom and a super grandma. Your family loves you, and I know we all want you to be happy too–not just the version of you that you think will make us happy."
She smiled at her kindly. "I'll think about it."
She nodded. "I can just tell you from where I sit that your son loves you. Your granddaughters adore you. You're as near perfect as perfect can be in their eyes."
With wet eyes, Patricia looked at her. "You have no idea how much it means to me to hear that. I just thought I'd fucked up everything, and if I don't fix this…I might do just that."
She nodded as she watched her mother in law walk inside. Her husband was sitting on the front patio, and he didn't seem thrilled to see her.
"We need to talk, Teresa."
Her stomach fell. From his tone of voice, she could tell she'd be dealing with her third argument of the day.
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A/N 2: Something I really went back and forth on in this installment of the series is just how much of the family to include. Now that they've established these larger networks, they're a part of who they are as a family and will likely impact who Patrick and Teresa are as individuals and their family. So, I tried to walk a balance between too much extended family and the immediate family. Let me know what you think! Also, I've said it before, but the character of Patricia is somewhat a stand in for my biological grandmother whose situation I've obviously fictionalized, but she's the blueprint for Patricia-especially in how she sees her place in her kids' lives as they get older. I hope she didn't come off as bad or "crazy," but her anxiety is something I wanted to explore her.