That evening, Draco sat on his bed, staring at an Oxy pill that he had pulled out of his drawer. He wanted to take it so badly, to just numb himself a little. The potions Potter gave him had kept the withdrawal away so far but it wouldn't last much longer. Everyone else was still downstairs or in Hogsmeade as it was Saturday night. Blaise had invited him, though Theo and Pansy hadn't spoken to him as he'd been snappy and distant through his withdrawals. Despite that, he was regretting saying no now, the distraction might have been welcome. But he was feeling fragile after his meeting with Potter and had stayed in.
He continued to stare at the pill, warring with himself on whether to take it. Since he had become addicted before, he wasn't sure whether he could trust himself with it, would one lead to another, and another until he couldn't stop? His head was fried after recounting everything. He tried to pick up a book and read but he couldn't concentrate on the words. He kept thinking about what Potter had said.
Will took advantage of you, he had said. It hadn't really crossed Draco's mind. Did that mean that he found Draco repulsive too? Just someone he could use for sex, had he never actually found him attractive? Did nobody want him? They wanted to use him, abuse him, see him suffer. Would nobody ever look at him and see something more?
Tears had formed in his eyes and he stared at the pill. Just take it, he told himself, what's one more after all you've taken before?
No. Another part of him said. The part that he wanted to be. The best version of himself. This will ruin you. Hit the galleon, talk to Potter.
But you just saw him, he won't want to see you again, he'll think you're weak.
He won't, he'll be happy you did it right this time, did it before you took something.
Draco pushed the galleon before he could talk himself out of it. Can we talk? he thought as he held it. Then sat back and waited, fidgeting.
Room of Req, was the response that came back almost immediately.
Draco breathed a sigh of relief, putting the pill back in the drawer and walking quickly back to the Room of Requirement, where Potter had just reached as well. Potter smiled at him, a look of concern on his face and paced a few times before the door appeared. Harry held it open for Draco and they walked in. The room was a little different this time, cosier, with a couple of sofas and a fireplace instead of the usual two chairs.
Harry sat down on one of the sofas, pulling some snacks from his pockets that he'd picked up at Honeydukes.
Draco sat down on the other sofa and brought his legs up so he was cross-legged.
Harry gave him a curious look. "So what's up? Have you...?" he started.
Draco shook his head, feeling a bit silly for dragging him here.
"No, no I just, I wanted to, I just felt a bit..." he struggled for words to describe how he felt without sounding weak.
"It was a bit too much today?" Harry asked knowingly.
Draco nodded slowly. "I think so, I just couldn't stop thinking about everything, and I was going to take something but I - I called you instead" Draco looked down guiltily.
"Don't look like that" Harry told him, shaking his head. "You did the right thing, this is progress!"
"Why doesn't it feel like it?" Draco whispered.
"You made a choice to ask for help, rather than do what you wanted and hurt yourself more. I know asking for help probably feels like a failure but it truly isn't"
Draco nodded, avoiding Harry's eyes. "Can we talk about something else?" he asked, glancing up at Harry. "Can we talk about you instead?"
"You want to talk about me?" Harry asked, surprised.
"Just for tonight can we not be an addict and a sponsor? Can we just be..." Draco trailed off, knowing how pathetic it sounded.
"Friends?" Harry grinned.
Draco rolled his eyes. "I was going to say acquaintances" he quirked his lips a little to show he was joking.
"I think we might be past that" Harry joked.
"Whatever you want to call it, just talk to me about your life"
Harry looked thoughtful. "What do you want to know?"
Draco shrugged. "What do you want to do after school?"
"Be an Auror" Harry said immediately, smiling.
Draco chuckled lightly. "Of course you do, can't stop saving the world huh Potter?"
"I think I might be good at it" Harry said wryly.
"Well I can't argue with that"
"What do you want to do after school then?" Harry asked.
Draco frowned. "I don't know really, I'll probably be in the Ministry like my father" he said, his arms tightening around himself. A touchy subject then, Harry noted. He was getting better at reading the blonde's body language. He didn't push it.
"What do you do for fun?" Draco asked, changing the subject. "You know, when you're not babysitting me, which is obviously your favourite activity"
It was Harry's turn to chuckle. "It truly is my favourite thing to do, you're such a delight after all" he joked, then shook his head. "I like to fly mostly, spend time with my friends, play wizards chess, not that I ever beat Ron, umm, we go to Hogsmeade quite a bit I guess"
Draco stared at him for a second. "Sounds nice" he said wistfully, averting his eyes and scratching at his inner elbow.
"Well what about you?" Harry asked, and Draco looked at him, then looked away, deep in thought, furrowing his brow.
"I -" Draco started. What did he do for fun? He couldn't remember the last time he had fun, at least any that wasn't drug-induced. What had happened to his life?
"I don't really know anymore I guess" he said, looking shocked then deflated.
Harry frowned at him, remembering his talk with Hermione earlier.
"Maybe that's what we need to work on then" Harry suggested. "Maybe nothing is working to get you completely off drugs because you don't have any distractions. You need to keep busy, take control of your life, you know? Find the joy in things again. What did you used to enjoy?"
"I liked flying" Draco responded, still feeling baffled at how he had completely lost himself. "I used to spend time with my friends a lot, going out, partying. But I don't talk to them too much anymore, they probably gave up on me at some point"
"You should talk to them" Harry said softly.
"We're not Gryffindor's Potter, they really won't care about my excuses"
"They're your friends, they'll understand"
"I'm not sure if they are" Draco said, feeling confused. He had never been overly close with anyone, and he constantly turned down their invitations and snapped at them when he was stressed and going through withdrawal.
Harry frowned at that. Did he really not have friends? He couldn't imagine his life without the support of Ron and Hermione.
"Anyway, we're not meant to be talking about me" Draco said, brushing it off as well as he could. "Tell me... About the first time you used magic, did you know you had magic before Hogwarts?"
Harry grinned and recounted the tale of the Dudley and the disappearing glass with the snake at the zoo, laughing at the memory. Draco sat with his mouth open before laughing too, a genuine laugh that made Harry feel warm and happy. Remembering from the first night that Harry brought him to the Room of Requirement what an attractive smile he had. At some point he had even removed his arms from around his torso and picked up a sweet from the table.
"I can't believe your first proper use of magic was talking to snakes. How were you not a Slytherin?" Draco chuckled.
"I almost was actually" Harry smirked. "The hat said I could be great in Slytherin, but I chose to be in Gryffindor"
Draco cocked his head curiously. "Because of me?"
Harry smiled wryly. "A bit I guess, you were the worst" he joked, then regretted it, he didn't want to ruin this moment with Draco.
Fortunately though, Draco just laughed again. "Yeah I really was" he admitted. "Believe it or not I just wanted to impress you. I grew up hearing all the stories about you. Father wanted me to make a good impression but clearly I failed dramatically at that" he paused. "Do you ever think what your life might have been like if you had gone into Slytherin?"
Harry chewed his lip thoughtfully. "I haven't really to be honest, I can't really imagine my life without Ron and Hermione. Maybe me and you would have been friends after all"
Draco gave him a half smile. "Gryffindor was the right choice, I would have ruined you"
Harry grinned. "Or I could have turned you into an outstandingly kind and loveable human being"
Draco smiled a little but brought his arms around himself again, which Harry frowned at. But Draco was lost in his thoughts. What if Potter had gone into Slytherin? Would Draco have been a better person? Would he have been able to avoid drugs, and being assaulted? Would he actually have become someone he was proud of? Someone that people could actually love, instead of hurt or fear?
"Malfoy?" Harry said gently.
Draco snapped out of his thoughts. "Sorry?"
"Did I say something wrong?" Harry asked.
Draco shook his head quickly. "No, no it's fine, I just got lost in my thoughts for a second"
Harry nodded but was curious what he was thinking about.
"What do you want to do tonight?" Harry asked, changing the subject. "Do you want to go back to your dorm or sleep here?"
"I might sleep here" Draco said slowly.
Harry nodded. "I think that's a good idea. Tomorrow we should get rid of the drugs you have so you don't have temptations"
Draco nodded, reluctant to get rid of them but knowing it was for the best.
Assuming Draco wouldn't want to be sleeping alone in a room with Harry, Harry wished for a bed and the Room provided one, a king bed against the back wall.
Draco looked at it for a second and brought his arms tighter around himself. Harry thought it must be because he was now alone with Harry and a bed and the whole thing was bringing back bad memories, so he decided to make himself scarce.
"Well I'll leave you alone" Harry said. "If you need me at all just use the Galleon again okay?"
Draco said nothing, so Harry started to leave.
"Wait" Draco suddenly burst out.
Harry turned back around to face him. Draco slowly turned to face him too, looking apprehensive, not meeting Harry's eyes.
"Do you" he hesitated, seeming to battle with himself. "Would you stay?" he asked in a rush, looking at the ground with shame on his face.
Harry was surprised. "You want me to stay?"
"You don't have to" Draco said quickly. "I just - ugh it's stupid, forget it" he said and he turned back around, feeling embarrassed.
Harry walked around so he was in front of him again. "It's not stupid, if you want me to stay I'm happy to stay" and to prove it he wished the room for two separate beds, which it provided.
Draco blushed a little. "Thanks" he murmured.
"Is this okay?" Harry asked, noticing they were pretty close together. "We could put up wards, or -"
"No this is great" Draco said quickly. He didn't understand why, but having Potter near him made him feel safe, stable, have some sense of control. As much as he didn't want to admit it, it wasn't just that he was scared to be alone. He wanted Potter there.
"Okay" Harry smiled, feeling pleased that the blonde must feel comfortable enough around him.
They both brushed their teeth in an oddly companionable silence, the room providing everything they needed, and climbed into their beds. Neither of them spoke for a couple minutes or turned the lights off.
Harry was about to open his mouth to say goodnight when Draco interrupted him.
"Are you seeing someone?" Draco asked.
"Um, no, not since Ginny" Harry replied, taken aback by the question. "Why?"
Draco turned to face Harry and propped himself up on his elbow. "I just realised I dragged you away on a Saturday night to babysit me and you might have had plans"
Harry laughed lightly. "I think the Gryffindor's were out getting some Firewhiskey, but I wasn't really feeling like it so you actually saved from coming up with an excuse"
"You'd rather be talking and sleeping next to me than partying with your friends?" Draco asked with raised eyebrows. "You're crazy Potter"
"They do it most weekends and I'm not a big drinker so it's nice to get a break" Harry shrugged.
"Well, I would say 'any time' but I'm hoping to get my shit together and not have to call you for late night therapy sessions" Draco joked.
Harry laughed but weirdly felt a little sad, he was starting to enjoy their chats, especially tonight when Draco hadn't taken anything and they were getting on like actual friends.
They said goodnight and went to sleep. Draco for the first time in ages, falling asleep easily with no nightmares.
Draco stirred in the morning, the light coming in through the window, it was early but he had slept well, better than he had in ages. He could feel the heroin withdrawal settling in though, his hands were shaking a little, he felt shivery and was craving heroin. He looked over at Potter, asleep in the bed next to him, looking peaceful and comfortable. Was it wrong that he had felt safer sleeping next to this man? After everything that had happened to him? Part of him wanted to crawl into the bed with him, be held by him, kiss him. Wasn't there something twisted in that? He had thought he had always wanted Potter to save him, like he saved everyone else, but deep down he knew that part of the reason he had picked on the Gryffindor so much over the years was just to get his attention, even if it was anger, he wanted his attention solely on him. But now, seeing him smile and laugh and care for him, anger wasn't enough, he wanted him to keep smiling and laughing with Draco, for them to care for each other. But the Gryffindor obviously liked girls, so that wasn't an option. Maybe they could be friends though?
He pulled the covers over himself to try and stop the shaking. But the more he tried to ignore it, the worse it seemed to get. He held onto his hands tightly, not that there was heroin or oxy around for him to take, but the urge to pick up something sharp and distract himself was starting to weigh on him.
After a little while, Harry stirred and opened his eyes, getting his bearings again. He put his glasses on and turned to face Draco.
"Morning" he said awkwardly.
"Morning" Draco replied, trying to keep the shake and anxiety out of his voice.
Harry must have heard it though as he sat up and faced him. "You okay?" he asked with concern.
Draco nodded, but Harry could see his jaw was clenched and he was shaking a little. This must be the withdrawal, Harry realised, kicking himself for not thinking about preparing potions for it.
"Is this - are you having withdrawal?" Harry asked cautiously and Draco nodded again.
"I'm going to get Hermione to come here and talk to her about potions" Harry told him, getting up and wishing his bed away, sending her a message through the galleon.
Draco reluctantly dragged himself out of his bed, vanishing it too and sitting on the sofa, dragging a spare blanket with him and wrapping himself up. As he stood and walked he started to feel a headache coming on as well.
After a few minutes, Hermione turned up and walked in, carrying a couple of books with her.
"Hi" she said to them both. They both greeted her, though Draco's was mostly a grimace.
"How are you feeling?" She asked Draco.
"Um... pretty shit" Draco supplied honestly.
"Well I brought some books about potions for withdrawal so I just want to see what we have or what we can make that will help you" Hermione said, sitting down on the other sofa opposite Draco, Harry sitting down on the other side of Draco's sofa to give him some space.
They talked for a while about the symptoms and Hermione gave him a painkiller that would help with the headaches and nausea that would turn up over the next day. They worked out that they would need to make a couple of other specialised potions to help with the anxiety and other withdrawal symptoms.
"Unfortunately, I think that will take about three days to make" Hermione pulled a face. "So until then, it will be challenging but keep taking the painkiller no more than twice a day and if you need us to be around with you then we'll do our best to stay with you and make sure you don't take anything".
Draco nodded stiffly, the pain in his head had subsided a bit but he was feeling low and anxious and was itching to take the Oxy in his bedside drawer.
"We'll need to go get some ingredients in Diagon Alley" Hermione said thoughtfully, writing down a list of what they'd need. "I could go today, you probably won't be feeling up to it Malfoy"
Draco looked at her, surprised by the kindness. "Thank you" he said quietly. "I'll pay for it all"
"Oh" Hermione said, obviously not having thought about it. "I don't mind -"
"No" Draco interrupted. "This is my problem, I'm already taking up your time, you're not spending your money as well" he said adamantly. "I need to go back to the dorm so I'll grab some for you"
Hermione smiled. "Okay, thank you"
"While you set up here Hermione, I'm going to go with Malfoy back to his dorm and get rid of the drugs he has" Harry told her.
"You are?" Draco asked, slight annoyance in his voice. Potter obviously didn't trust him to do it himself which irritated him. Didn't he do the right thing last night and prove himself capable of resisting?
"Yes" Harry said, grabbing his invisibility cloak. "We'll go now while it's still early"
They both headed off in silence to the Slytherin dorms, Harry walking beside Draco, completely invisible. He knew Malfoy was annoyed at the mistrust but he was going through withdrawal so he was vulnerable. Draco said the password and opened the portrait to the Slytherin Common Room, holding it open for a moment longer for Harry to walk in as well.
The only person up was Blaise, who was sat on one of the green sofas reading a Quidditch magazine.
"Oh hey Draco" he said smirking. "Walk of shame?"
Draco rolled his eyes but chuckled, forcing himself to act natural. "Something like that" he replied.
Blaise chuckled but Harry noticed him watch Draco curiously as he walked past and up the stairs.
Harry had silenced his feet so thankfully made no noise climbing up to Draco's dorm. They went in and Draco walked up to his drawer, opening it, hesitating, then handed Harry some galleons and picked up a bag of pills and shoved them at Harry, whose breath he could hear right behind him. Harry took them quickly after making sure everyone else was asleep. He could see Draco was angry, his jaw clenched, his hands shaking as he passed them to Harry. He could see the reluctance in his eyes.
"I'm going to get rid of these. Why don't you head down to breakfast so I can get out and we'll talk later?"
Draco just nodded, eyes still cold. Harry tried not to take it personally, he knew the withdrawal affected his mood, it was when he was most volatile with McLaggen and co as well.
They walked back downstairs and as Draco walked towards the portrait hole, Blaise spoke. "You going to breakfast?" he asked. Draco nodded. "Great, I'll come too" Blaise said, chucking his magazine down and walking towards them. Draco was pleasantly surprised, he had convinced himself that Blaise and the others had given up on him already so through his anxiety he felt a small touch of happiness.
They walked out and Draco and Blaise headed to breakfast. Harry went back to the Room of Requirement and met back up with Hermione who was double checking her list of items to buy.
"So what happened last night?" she asked Harry. "Did he take something?"
"No" Harry told her. "He actually used the Galleon instead and came to the Room of Requirement and we just talked for ages about what we want to do after school and other casual stuff"
"That's great!" Hermione smiled. "I didn't see you come back to the Common Room though, did you stay here?"
"Yeah, I was going to leave him on his own since I didn't think he'd want to sleep in the same room as me but he actually asked me to stay, and didn't want to put wards up on his bed"
"Wow" Hermione's eyebrows shot up. "He wanted to make sure you could get to him if he needed you. He's still very jumpy in classes with everyone else so he must really trust you"
Harry smiled at that. "I'm glad that he does, though he doesn't like me much today"
"It'll be the withdrawal making him edgy, don't take it personally, you had to go with him. Leaving him to resist it on his own in the state he was in would have been a terrible idea"
"Yeah, I hope he understands that. I don't know what to do about the next few days though. I would feel much more comfortable if he stayed here in the evenings but I can't lock him up" Harry said thoughtfully.
"You're also going to need to find an excuse for Ron" Hermione sighed. "He mentioned your absence last night"
"Ah shit" Harry sighed. "I'll have a think about that"
He went back to the dorms, deciding to tell Ron that he'd flooed to Grimmauld Place and spent the night there as he was missing Sirius. He felt bad telling the lie, but thankfully Ron believed him and they all headed out to Hogsmeade for the day, Hermione slipping away to pick up the potions ingredients.
"So how's your potion going? You and the ferret are working on it an awful lot" Ron said as they sat in the Leaky Cauldron with Butterbeers.
"The potion is going well" Harry said, and honestly it actually was, especially since they didn't hate each other. "He's actually been alright to work with but we both need a good grade so I guess that helps"
Ron snorted. "And he's not been starting fights which is a nice break for us, though I'll never forget seeing McLaggen coming out of that cupboard with those Monster Book of Monsters" Ron chuckled. "I think that's the only time I've actually been on Malfoy's side"
Harry laughed, wishing he could tell Ron what had been going on, but he just had no idea how Ron would react.
"So what's going on with you and 'Mione?" Ron asked suddenly.
"What do you mean?" Harry asked buying time.
"You're both acting a bit off, you both run off randomly. Is there something I should know?" Ron asked, half joking.
Harry laughed as convincingly as he could. "Nothing like that mate" he said. "I think we're both just stressing about exams and stuff. I really want to be an Auror, I don't know what I'd do if I didn't get good enough grades"
Ron thankfully seemed convinced. He rolled his eyes. "Oh god, don't you go turning into Hermione, it's going to be a boring year for me if you two are always in the Library!" he chuckled.
Harry laughed along with him, glad he'd got out of that one.
- 0 -
Back at Hogwarts, Draco was struggling with the withdrawal. He'd managed to get through breakfast with Blaise, hopefully managing to appear totally normal.
He was now sat on his bed mid-afternoon, rocking and trying to rub his arms to stop shivering, he felt cold and clammy. After half an hour of feeling like trash, his thoughts spiralling to his worst memories, he reached into his bottom drawer and pulled out a book, pointing his wand at it and transforming it into a knife. He pulled off the bandage on his arm, picking up the knife with a shaking hand and holding his breath as he pressed the tip against his forearm beside all the other cuts. Closing his eyes, he brought the knife down quickly, slicing the skin. He let out a small whimper and released the breath he'd been holding as his arm stung. But it wasn't enough, he repeated it three more times until the stinging finally distracted him from the depression he was sinking into. He lay his head back on the bed and panted a little as the blood seeped out the cuts and trickled down his arm onto the bed sheets.
He closed his eyes and let himself pass out. When he woke up hours later it was dinner time, and he lethargically peeled himself off the bed, healing the wounds so they were just white scars and cleaning the sheets of blood stains. He cleaned the bandage and re-wrapped it around his arm. He went to the bathroom and splashed cold water on his face, trying to make himself feel more alive. He reached into his bag and took one of the painkiller potions granger had given him. That helped a bit.
He went down the stairs and saw Blaise, Theo and Pansy all chatting on the sofas. He paused, not knowing where the other two stood with him, he had been rude to Pansy during withdrawals several times and he had snapped at Theo after he had come down from the coke and they hadn't really spoken since, not that it was Theo's fault, Draco was the one with the addiction, but he had needed to blame someone else for how he felt.
Cautiously, he walked forward to them. Blaise looked up and smiled. "Hey man"
Theo and Pansy turned around and watched him come closer. "Hey" Draco said, hating the shake in his own voice.
They all exchanged a quick look, and Pansy turned and smiled at him. "You okay? You've been quiet today?"
Draco gave her a small smile. "Yeah, sorry, I just feel a little off"
"Let's go get some dinner, maybe you'll feel a bit better after that" Theo suggested and Draco felt a wave of relief that his friends didn't hate him.
He gave them all a small smile and nodded.