The next two days were hell. The painkiller potions barely helped anymore so there was a constant dull ache in his head and stomach. He was always shaking which wasn't useful for potions, though thankfully Potter took over most of the chopping required.

His main problem though was that it was like McLaggen and the two Hufflepuffs could smell the withdrawal like sharks smelling blood. He had gone to the Library after class instead of going to dinner, the idea of food making him feel sick. He knew he was supposed to stay with his friends or Potter and Granger as much as possible but he just needed a breather, a little while where he didn't have to pretend he wasn't in pain.

He had sat at one of the tables for a while with his head in his hands, trying to fight the depressive mood that was overwhelming him, when he heard footsteps enter the library. He got up quickly, trying to act normal and started to walk out to find somewhere else to be alone, but instead he came face to face with McLaggen and Smith. He stopped short and swallowed hard, he couldn't deal with these two now.

"Well don't you look a mess" Smith smirked, quickly disarming him. Draco once again cursed his life choices that made him so slow to act.

"If only you hadn't shot up the other night" McLaggen tutted. "That wasn't your best decision was it?"

"You trapped me and put it in my hand" Draco snarled at him.

The boys exchanged exaggeratedly confused looks. "Do you remember that Zach?"

Smith pulled an exaggerated thoughtful face. "Hmm, no don't think I do"

"You're probably misremembering the events since you were so high" McLaggen smirked at him.

"But we noticed you having a tough time just now and thought you'd appreciate some help" Smith said.

McLaggen stepped up close to him and pushed a few pills into his hand.

"Take them, you'll feel so much better" McLaggen murmured in his ear, causing Draco to flinch. Draco shoved McLaggen as hard as he could.

"No I'm done with this, I'm done with you. I'm not taking anything anymore" Draco spat at them.

McLaggen lifted Draco's wand and pointed it at him.

"Take it" he demanded, smirking.

"Expelliarmus" came a voice from behind. Draco whipped round, his wand flying out of McLaggen's hand and into Blaise's waiting hand. Blaise strolled forward casually and came to stand beside Draco, placing the tip of the wand under McLaggen's chin.

"Why don't you jog on McLaggen?" Blaise sneered. "Nobody has time to listen to your bullshit"

McLaggen and Smith both glared at him, before glancing at each other and exiting the library.

The Slytherin's watched them go, before Blaise turned to face Draco, his eyebrows raised.

"You good?"

Draco nodded but avoided his eye, his heart racing. He didn't know how much Blaise had heard, or who he would tell if he had heard everything.

Blaise studied him for a few more seconds then held out Draco's wand. Draco took it, muttering a thanks.

Blaise looked at him a little longer before speaking calmly. "You don't have to tell me anything, I know it's not our style. But I'm here if you need me. I can organise rehab or a healer or mind healer in wizarding Italy, where they won't know you. I can make sure you're not alone around those idiots" he said, jerking his head in the direction the two boys had left. "I'm not judging you, so if you need something just say the word."

Draco stared at him in shock, and hated how vulnerable he felt, blaming the withdrawal for the lump forming in his throat. He nodded at Blaise, unable to speak.

"Are you coming to dinner?" Blaise asked.

Draco shook his head. "I think I'm just going to go back to the Common Room" he answered, trying to regain his composure.

"Okay" Blaise replied and they walked together, Blaise walking him all the way to the Common Room before turning back to go to dinner. The entire way, he kept around an arms length away from Draco. Had he always done that? Or had he noticed Draco being skittish lately?

He walked up to the dorms, about to pull back the covers on his bed to climb in, when he realised he still had the pills in his hand that McLaggen gave him. His heart began to race. There was still one more day until Granger finished the potions. He could take this now and feel a million times better immediately. He lifted them to his mouth then hesitated. If you do this, all that progress will be for nothing, he told himself. He walked into the adjoining bathroom and looked at himself in the mirror, he looked horrendous. His skin was sickly, his hair limp and messy, his eyes looked sunken with dark shadows surrounding them. Who the hell is that? he asked himself. That's not you. That's the you that takes these pills, and heroin and cocaine. You don't want to be that you anymore. Potter would be so disappointed in you.

Before he could change his mind, he threw the pills down the toilet and flushed. He closed his eyes, it's only 24 more hours, I can do this.

He turned and crawled into bed, pulling the curtains round and transforming his book into a knife again, adding a few more cuts to his arm and breathing a sigh of pained relief as the sting took over.

It was Wednesday, and after another day of classes in which Draco was doing terribly at, Hermione had finally finished the potions, handing quite a few to Draco with instructions on when to take them. He took the first one immediately, and sighed in relief when he felt a small amount of weight lift from him, everything felt a bit clearer already.

After Hermione left, Harry stayed to talk to Draco.

"How have you been getting on? We didn't see you yesterday?" Harry asked him.

"Yeah sorry, I didn't have much energy for socialising after classes" Draco said.

"Where did you go?" Harry asked.

"The library" Draco replied, and recounted the story of McLaggen and Smith.

Harry gritted his teeth in fury. "What the fuck is wrong with them?"

"They just want to keep me high so that I'm an unreliable source in case I ever accuse his dad of something"

Harry shook his head angrily. "That is messed up" and then shot his head up to Draco. "So what did you do with the pills?" he asked cautiously, knowing how awful the withdrawal had been, was this too big a temptation to resist?

Draco smiled a little, glad for his decision now. "Flushed them" he said, hearing the pride in his voice.

Harry grinned at him. "Impressive. You can't deny the progress now!"

Draco grinned back.

After a few days of taking the potions, Draco was starting to get better. He was sleeping a bit better, actually managing to keep a bit of food down, and most of all wasn't thinking about drugs all day, every day. He had spoken to Potter on Friday and they were both happy with how he was progressing, though Draco still didn't tell him about the self harm. He decided that now that he could put his mind to other things, like his schoolwork which was thankfully getting a bit better too, but he thought it was time to tackle his personal life.

Keep busy, take control of your life, that's what Potter had suggested. Find the joy in things again.

He decided to go for a fly, quite a few Ravenclaws in the same year flying on the opposite side of the pitch. Draco ignored them and stayed on his side, flying, practicing what he would normally do for Quidditch.

As he soared through the air, he smiled. He had missed this feeling, the exhilaration, the freedom, the feeling that nothing could touch him.

He finally came down to the ground, seeing the Ravenclaws do the same. He made his way to the showers and noticed one of the Ravenclaw's come towards him, a good-looking guy that Draco had heard be called Devon. He was lightly tanned with dark hair and brown eyes and as he walked towards Draco he smiled at him with pearly white teeth. Draco paused as he reached him.

"Hi" Devon started. "Our showers are full, do you mind if I use the Slytherin one to get washed? All the others are locked"

Draco tilted his head slightly, was it his imagination or had Devon been checking Draco out as he asked.

"Sure" Draco replied, though his heart had sped up. He would be alone and naked with another man, something he hadn't done willingly in quite a while. He tried to swallow the nerves away as they walked into the changing rooms.

Take control of your life, he heard Potter's voice again. It was safe to say this was a huge part of his life he'd lost control of, maybe he could find the joy in it again as Potter had suggested.

He slowed down as they entered the changing rooms, deliberately getting undressed on the other side to Devon so he had a safe distance between them, slowly taking off his clothes.

Devon didn't seem to notice and took his clothes off immediately, obviously not shy at all about his body. Draco glanced over as he walked, naked, over to the showers, and he saw why. He was tanned, with a defined, muscular body and an impressive penis that hung in plain sight.

Devon aimed a glance over at Draco, pausing for a second at the entry to the showers to give Draco a suggestive, intense look, then slipped into the showers.

Draco's heart was hammering, take control, he told himself over and over, you can do it, you need to, you have to get over this and get back to your normal life.

Draco used his wand and put on a glamour to hide the cuts on his arm and the needle marks. Then he took a deep breath and slipped into the showers, naked, wand in hand. At first he walked over to a few showers away, still keeping a safe distance between them, and he cleaned himself quickly. He glanced over at the Ravenclaw, who had his back to him, and Draco stared at his body. He gulped hard, he was attractive, very attractive, but his nerves were getting to him.

Shake it off. You need to do this! He told himself. He walked over to the shower next to Devon and the Ravenclaw looked at him.

"You fly well" Devon told him flirtatiously.

"Watching me were you?" Draco returned with a flirtatious smirk of his own.

"Who could blame me?" Devon replied, turning to face him full on and giving him a lustful once-over. Draco got a full view of his toned and tanned body. His eyes wandered down to Devon's cock and he swallowed hard.

"You're not so bad yourself" he murmured.

Devon took a step towards him so they were stood close together, their lips just ghosting over each other. Devon glanced down at Draco's cock and back up, smirking.

"Well I'm glad I'm getting you excited" he whispered seductively, and Draco moved forward, capturing his lips.

They kissed roughly, and pushed together, Draco backing him into the wall. They both reached down in between them, taking the other's cock in hand and starting to stroke up and down as they continued to kiss under the warm spray of water. Devon moaned into his mouth and Draco felt himself getting even more turned on.

Devon brought a hand to Draco's ass, squeezing a cheek and pulling him in closer. Draco felt his heart rate sky-rocket in panic, flashbacks of drunk men and being... No! That wasn't you. That wasn't you. Draco instantly spun Devon around, using his wand and binding the Ravenclaw's wrists to the wall.

"Mmm kinky, this is so hot" Devon murmured, and Draco felt a hundred times better knowing that he was in charge, he couldn't be touched if he didn't want to be, he could walk away at any point. He took a deep breath to steady his nerves then used a lubricant charm on his fingers, easing him open and using his fingers for a second to find the bundle of nerves he was looking for, knowing instantly when he'd hit the spot as Devon pushed back and moaned loudly.

He lubricated his cock and used a protective spell and pushed himself in slowly, remembering how Will used to do it to him in one swift aggressive move. A part of him wanted to do that now, to see how it felt to be on the other side. Fuck, don't think like that! You're not them, you would never do that, that never happened, this is normal, this is fine, calm down. He kept up his pep talk in his head as he pushed in steadily, then pulling back a little, then back in, starting up a steady rhythm, angling himself to hit that spot again and again.

Devon continued to moan, and Draco found himself finally letting go of his fears for a minute, moaning with pleasure as he pumped faster, Devon bucking against him.

He felt in control.

Don't you want to take that control up a notch? A voice in his head whispered that sounded all too much like his father. Don't you want to know what it feels like to do the hurting for a change?

No! I'm not you. I'm not them. I wouldn't do that, I couldn't do that, I would never.

But he felt his hands tighten on Devon's shoulders, his pace pick up, thrusting hard. Devon let out a shout as he came and Draco stopped, shocked, he had almost forgot about him, too lost in his inner battles. Fuck, I could have gone too far, I could have hurt him. Draco suddenly felt himself go limp and stepped back, pulling out of him quickly and picking up his wand, releasing the bonds that tied the Ravenclaw's wrists.

He was breathing heavily as Devon turned around and gave him a quick passionate kiss on the lips, not even realising that Draco hadn't climaxed.

"Fuck that was incredible" he murmured, before stepping out the shower and starting to dry himself, Draco slowly following suit. "We should do that again sometime" the Ravenclaw said once he was clothed, before smirking and walking out, leaving Draco half naked and very conflicted.

A couple of days later, Devon caught him in the halls one evening and pulled him into an empty classroom, transforming a chair into a sofa and sitting Draco on top of him. They snogged for a while, rubbing against each other through their trousers and moaning. Draco felt his erection grow and strain against his trousers.

He pulled away from Devon's lips to his earlobe and sucked on it.

"I want to ride you" he whispered seductively, deciding he wasn't going to take any chances this time, he didn't want to become like the men who had assaulted him. Devon moaned a little at the words and nodded enthusiastically.

Draco pulled out his wand and spelled Devon's wrists so his arms lay across the top of the sofa on either side. Devon smirked. "You're a kinky one, Malfoy."

Draco smirked back, though internally he was terrified, and cast a spell to remove Devon's trousers and boxers and did the same to himself, they turned up in neat piles on the floor beside them. Draco looked down at Devon's cock and tried to stop panicking. You can do this, you were never raped, it wasn't you, it never happened.

Draco straddled him, casting the lubricating and protective spells before sitting himself down on top of him. He tried to calm his heart. He's tied up, he can't hurt you, and you can't hurt him, this is fine, this is fine, this is fine. He managed to sit himself all the way down and then started to move slowly, rocking backwards and forwards, testing it out. His heart was hammering, unwanted images floating into his mind, but he pushed them away. I'm in control, that never happened, this is my choice. He started going faster to distract himself, gliding up and down, both moaning as it hit the spot. They kissed passionately, Draco speeding up and riding his cock frantically, hitting the spot again and again, groaning into each other's mouths as they both neared their climax. Draco pulled away from the kiss in order to breathe, keeping his head close to Devon's, one hand on the back of Devon's neck, the other braced against the sofa as he felt himself reach the edge, climaxing hard with a guttural moan, Devon coming just a second later with his own moan, both rocking together as they rode out the orgasm.

- 0 -

"So how's this week been?" Harry asked, sitting in his usual armchair. "You look more relaxed" he observed as Draco sat for the first time without wrapping his arms around himself, only fidgeting a little.

"Um, I guess it's been okay" Draco said thoughtfully, though in truth he was confused. He had ended up meeting Devon four times that week and while he'd started getting more comfortable with the sex, enjoying it an awful lot actually, he hadn't risked penetrating Devon again and always had Devon tied up, pushing everything that had happened to the back of his mind, pretending it was a story he'd read about someone else, not something that had happened to him. But he was nervous about how he'd felt in the showers. On a couple of the nights he'd had nightmares about what had happened to him, and he would wake up in a cold sweat, the covers a mess, tears on his face. On those two nights he wanted to take something, but he would self harm to stop thinking about it and that would help lull him back to sleep. But thankfully, overall the events of the week had meant he'd thought about drugs less.

"Have you managed to resist taking anything?" Harry asked.

Draco nodded. "Yeah, it wasn't as bad this week" he replied.

"Amazing!" Harry said, pleasantly surprised. "What changed?"

"Well the potions from Granger really helped. I also took your advice on taking control of my life, trying to find joy in things again"

"In what way?"

Draco blushed. "Uh, I don't know that you want all the details, Potter" he pulled a face.

"What? Why - oh" Harry blushed hard. "Right, w-well I mean, s-sure I get it"

"We don't have to talk about it" Draco said uncomfortably, wishing he hadn't brought it up. The more time he spent with Harry, the more he started to realise his feelings were more than just attraction. He craved spending time with the Gryffindor, to be in his company and make him smile. Why did he bring up having sex with someone else? Would Potter think he was just a whore after what happened to him. He knew there could be nothing romantic between him and Potter since the Gryffindor was straight but he didn't want him to think badly of him.

"No, no" Harry said, shaking off the discomfort, and jealousy, and nodding at Malfoy. "I think we should. I can't imagine what it's like to deal with that kind of trauma, but it's good that you're uh... finding yourself again" Harry flushed.

"Right" Draco replied awkwardly, he had tried to think about the trauma side of it as little as possible.

"Was it... good?" Harry asked, then blushed hard. "That's not what I meant, I mean are you feeling okay?"

"Merlin, let's not talk about this" Draco laughed.

"I'm sorry, I'm not good at this" Harry shook his head, running a hand through his hair uncomfortably.

"No it's fine, I get what you're trying to ask" Draco chuckled, putting him out his misery. "I guess I feel confused. Part of me is happy about it, but on the other side... it feels wrong, I guess? Like I shouldn't be allowed to enjoy it anymore? Is it fucked up that I do?" he looked down and fidgeted with his sleeve.

Harry shook his head, and tried to erase the mental images he had of Malfoy getting hot and heavy with another guy, wishing he was in the place of the other guy. "No, it's not fucked up. It's your life and you deserve to be happy and get back to normal"

Draco quirked his lips in a small smile, and let out a breath. He didn't realise up until then how worried he was that Potter was going to be disgusted with him.

"So is it a relationship?" Harry asked, shocked at just how jealous he felt.

Draco shook his head. "We don't um, we don't talk much. I think I needed someone I didn't really know so if it all went wrong I wasn't ruining everything with someone I cared about" he ran a hand through his hair as his cheeks turned a faint pink.

Harry nodded, feeling a ridiculous amount of relief. The other guy was a means to an end, to help Draco regain his sexual control. As jealous as he was, he could understand that.

"Can you imagine a month ago if someone told you we'd be talking about sex together?" Draco laughed.

Harry laughed too, grateful to break the ice. "I would have them committed to St Mungo's" he snorted.