Hermione's instructions now meant that Draco had to reduce the amount that he was taking the potions that helped with his withdrawal. He'd felt some anxiety come back as a result but he was still doing okay, managing to go for hours without thinking about taking something, and when he did think about it, he would try and distract himself. Either by having sex with Devon, self-harming on the worst days (though they were becoming fewer), or spending time with his friends, playing chess, exploding snap or just chatting. He didn't know if Blaise had told Pansy and Theo what was going on, but when Blaise was doing his extreme quidditch fitness schedule, they rarely let him go anywhere alone, always finding reasons to accompany him to places. As a result, he hadn't had to deal with McLaggen and co for a little while.
Draco was meeting Devon on the next Wednesday night in their abandoned classroom, and he walked in, prepared to do the usual, kiss, hump, tie Devon up and ride him. It had become a routine, one which Draco relied on to be able to do this.
But today, Devon had other ideas. They kissed as usual, but instead of conjuring the sofa, Devon pushed Draco against one of the desks, lining up their crotches and grinding together. Draco tilted his head back and moaned as they pushed together, their erections growing, they threw their robes onto the floor, Devon unbuttoning Draco's shirt to kiss his collarbone, his chest, Draco returning the same. Then all of a sudden, Devon pulled him off the desk and flipped him over, bending him over the desk and binding his arms and legs with metal handcuffs. Draco as usual cursed himself for being so weak and malnourished and tried not to freak out. They'd had sex tons of times now, he tried to tell himself that there was no difference between him riding Devon and Devon bending him over. But his arms and legs were bound and all he could feel was Mr McLaggen on top of him, MacNair on top of him, a hand holding the back of his neck, the sheer terror, pain and humiliation.
Devon grabbed his ass, giving it a squeeze, then reached around to unzip Draco's trousers and pull them down. He leaned over and whispered in Draco's ear.
"I think it's your turn to be tied up, kinky little minx" he murmured, before pushing down Draco's trousers.
Draco's body jerked, tears filled his eyes, his panic attack hit in full force and he struggled and let out pained whimpers and sobs, tugging at the ties on his wrists and ankles, causing them to cut into his skin painfully and draw blood but he couldn't even register the pain. His heart and his thoughts were racing too much. I need to get out of here, let me out of here, let me out, let me out, I don't want this, I'm not ready, not again, please!
"Whoa, what's wrong?" Devon asked in shock.
"I don't want this, I don't want this!" Draco sobbed.
"Okay, okay" Devon replied in shock and hurriedly took off the bindings.
Draco jumped away once he was free, pulling his trousers up, and backing away. Sitting in the corner of the room, unable to control his panic attack. He sobbed and pulled at his hair and hyperventilated, bring his knees up to his chest and burying his face.
Devon stood in shock. "I - I didn't do anything, I didn't hurt you, I don't understand"
Draco couldn't answer, couldn't think, just rocked himself back and forth as he sobbed.
Devon gaped at him. "I didn't hurt you, don't act like I hurt you!" He walked up and grabbed Draco roughly. "Don't even think about saying I -"
At the grab, Draco had freaked out and grabbed his wand, casting a wordless Stupefy without thinking. Devon hit the ground and Draco froze. What have I done? Fuck fuck fuck.
Draco stared at the unconscious body, horrified that he'd attacked him. He was still curled up and hyperventilating. I need to Obliviate him, he'll tell the whole school about this, father will punish me, kill me even for being gay, unable to produce an heir. But Draco looked down at his trembling wand hand, his thoughts were scattered, the alarm, fear, humiliation, the panic attack, were all clouding his mind. There was no way he could perform Obliviate like this. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the galleon. He hesitated. He didn't know that he could deal with another man being near him right now, even Potter. Maybe especially Potter, who he had begun to care for. He didn't want him to see him like this, see how broken he was.
Tears still flowing down his cheeks, he pressed the Galleon and thought Granger, 7th year charms hoping it would just be Granger that would come.
- 0 -
Harry saw the message come up on the Galleon and glanced up at Hermione. They were sitting in the Common Room with Ron and Ginny. Harry frowned, he asked specifically for Hermione, why would he do that? He felt a small stab of hurt that he didn't want Harry there. Hermione frowned at it too but stood up.
"I'm going to go grab a book for my Transfiguration references" she said, and gave Ron a kiss before gliding out the Common Room. Ron glanced at Harry, who didn't follow her, and looked like he was trying to work out whether that was suspicious but seemed to decide against it.
Hermione rushed down to the 7th year charms classroom and walked inside, doing a double-take when she saw the scene in front of her.
"Draco" Hermione said gently, registering the tear tracks. "What's happened?" she kneeled down a few feet away from him and looked at them both, taking in their tousled hair and unbuttoned clothing.
Draco opened and closed his mouth, unable to say the words. He was still breathing hard, shaking badly. He felt humiliated and broken. He lifted his hands to wipe his face and Hermione saw the blood around his wrists from where he had been tied up.
Hermione's mouth dropped open in shock. "Draco, did he attack you?"
Draco shook his head and spoke through his shaky breaths. "N-no, it was my fault, I p-panicked, but I need to Obliviate him"
Hermione bit her lip, uncertain. "Why?"
"I attacked him, if he tells people about what happened and my family find out about us, then I'll be d-disowned"
Hermione nodded thoughtfully. "Okay, I'll wipe this encounter from his memory, but if you've both been seeing each other he'll not know that things went wrong... what will you do next time?"
"I don't know yet" Draco said, he hadn't thought about that. "Can we make him forget he ever started anything with me?"
Hermione pulled a face. "That's not advisable, I don't know your encounters well enough for that. Maybe find a way to break things off that doesn't hurt him? Or if you trust him enough, then talk to him about boundaries?"
"I'll figure something out" Draco said slowly and shakily, looking at Devon with sadness. He didn't know this guy, they had sex, that was it. There was no way he was trusting him with information like that. It could be all over the school in hours.
Hermione nodded sadly, quickly healed Draco's wrists, then turned her wand to Devon. "Obliviate"
She nodded once she was done. She cast a sleeping charm, cast a charm to fix his clothes and hair and then a disillusionment charm on him before levitating him.
Draco stood shakily. "What are you doing?" he asked, confused.
"If he wakes up here, he'll ask questions" Hermione told him. "If he wakes up in the Library he'll assume he just fell asleep there"
Draco stared at her for a second, shocked at how thoroughly she was helping him. "Thank you, I'm sorry for dragging you into this" he said quietly, looking down with shame written on his face.
"I'm glad you told me, and I'm happy to help" Hermione smiled. "I'm sorry things didn't go well between you two tonight"
"It was my fault" Draco sighed, feeling drained. If I could have just been normal and not over-reacted then this would never have happened.
"If you want to talk about it after I've put him in the Library then I'm free" Hermione offered kindly.
Draco shook his head quickly. He wanted to push the whole thing to the back of his mind "Thank you but I think I just want to go to sleep and forget about it for now"
"Okay" Hermione replied. "Well goodnight Draco"
"Goodnight Granger"
In the morning Harry came down from the dormitory early, hoping Hermione would be there to talk to since he didn't get a chance to get her alone last night. He was burning to ask questions, and was trying to fight down the jealousy and hurt he felt that Malfoy hadn't asked for him.
Thankfully, a few minutes later Hermione came down from the girls dorms and they had a chance to speak.
"So was everything okay last night?" Harry asked.
Hermione smiled sadly at him. "Not really, I think he's trying to rush back into being his old self, or at least rushing into regaining control, you know, sexually" Hermione blushed pink. "I don't think he's ready. Not with someone he doesn't trust to talk to about boundaries"
"What happened?" Harry asked curiously. Images of Draco in the throes of passion flitting through his mind again, making his cheeks flush.
"I think since the other guy didn't know anything, he crossed a line that caused Draco to panic, he had blood on his wrists like he had been tied up" Hermione shook her head with concern. "Anyway, I'm not sure of the details but basically Draco shot a stunner at him then asked me to Obliviate his memory so he wouldn't get angry and tell everyone. He was scared that it would get round school and then his parents would find out and disown him"
Harry's eyebrows raised, he couldn't imagine how awful it would feel to never be allowed to be yourself, to be with the person you love because of their gender. Stupid Pureblood traditions, Harry thought.
"Why did he only ask for you?" Harry asked with slight petulance, the question burning in his mind.
Hermione patted his knee sympathetically. "He was a wreck Harry, I don't think he wanted to be near any men right then"
"Oh" Harry said, feeling stupid. "That makes sense"
"I don't think he's come to terms with the assault yet. He's pushing himself too hard to just move on" Hermione told him with a grimace. "I think he needs therapy, and he needs to slowly work his way into trusting someone so they know not to hurt him. I think he's just bottling it up"
"I'll try and talk to him, and I'll suggest therapy" Harry promised.
- 0 -
Harry let Draco be for the next couple of days until they were due to meet up again on the Friday night. He watched Draco for signs of relapse following the incident but didn't notice anything strange in that sense. But even though Draco was tucked in the corner in Potions where people couldn't walk past him, he was back to being as skittish as he was on their first day being paired up. Every loud noise, every sudden movement had him glancing around frantically, tensing up and staying far away from people.
Harry spoke to him normally through class about the potion, keeping up the pretence of being Potions partners and nothing more. He tried to keep his voice level and calm so as not to frighten him as they talked about ingredients to add and when to stir. Harry could see that it was helping Malfoy, as though anchoring him to their project and keeping his mind off all the other goings on in the room.
In the evening though, Ron turned to Harry and Hermione in the Common Room when they were by themselves and fixed them with a questioning look.
"What is going on with you guys and Malfoy?"
"What? What do you mean?" Harry asked, feigning confusion.
"I don't know, you're all acting weird" Ron said, narrowing his eyes. "Like he's so jumpy all the time, I bumped into him in the store cupboard one day and he basically leaped away from me. And today I could see Hermione kept watching him looking all worried, and you" he turned to Harry "were talking to him weirdly, and he was calming down when you were talking to him and you both keep disappearing and the whole thing is just weird" Ron finished, his ears red in annoyance.
Harry and Hermione just gaped at him and looked at each other.
"There's nothing going on Ron -" Hermione started.
"Don't lie to me!" Ron snapped, and Harry glanced around to make sure nobody was paying attention to the conversation.
"I'm not as dumb as you two think I am, and I'm sick of being kept out of everything. Malfoy has been fucking strange this year, super quiet, then fighting all the time, insulting us non-stop, and then you had something to hold over him so he stopped fighting and now you're all what, friends?" Ron asked angrily.
"It's not like that" Harry sighed. They couldn't tell Ron, but he didn't want his best friend to be angry at him.
"Then what is it like?" Ron demanded, looking between them both. Harry and Hermione both avoided his eye and looked down.
Ron's face contorted in anger. "Fine, you want to choose bloody Malfoy over your best mate and boyfriend? That's fucking great" and with that he stormed off up the stairs.
Harry and Hermione both sighed. Harry could see Hermione was upset.
"I'm sorry Hermione, I'm the one that you pulled you into all of this" Harry said guiltily.
"No Harry it's fine, I'm glad we're helping Malfoy, god know he needs it" she sighed again. "But Ron does have a point. Malfoy has never been nice to either of us and we're alienating our friend, my boyfriend, to keep his secrets, secrets he probably wouldn't keep if they were ours"
Harry wanted to defend Malfoy, his feelings towards the blonde had changed so drastically since this whole fiasco started. Maybe he had lost sight of who it was. Malfoy had treated them terribly, looked down on them all, said awful things. What if he was still that person? What if after he got the help he needed he would go back to that?
"So what do we do?" Harry asked quietly, feeling torn. "This isn't something small, it's not a one-time coke use that his father would pay to keep out the Daily Prophet, he has an addiction, one I think he really has a chance to get out of, and he was raped. They're not things you can just go around talking about, he would never recover from that"
"I know" Hermione said sadly. "I don't know what the answer is. Let's just sleep on it and we'll think with fresh minds tomorrow"
- 0 -
Draco's sleeps since Wednesday had been fitful at best, non-existent at worst. He spent so much of his energy trying to convince himself that he wasn't broken, that he hadn't been raped, that all of the things that had happened to him since the summer had never happened, that he was having a normal year. But between the situation with Devon, all the bad memories, lessening his intake of the withdrawal potions, leading to his mounting anxiety, and still constantly avoiding McLaggen and the others... he was drained, frazzled, jumpy. He cut himself more regularly, he had stayed walking with Blaise, Pansy and Theo - who seemed to have figured out that he didn't like to be too close to anyone and gave him some breathing space - which at least made sure that McLaggen didn't approach him.
He assumed Granger had filled Potter in, but was glad Potter hadn't immediately pestered him about it. Though, as much as he hated to admit it, he still felt safe in Potter's presence. In Potions he had felt tense, his muscles, nerves, everything, on high alert. When Potter spoke to him it was like the words melted into him and eased his muscles a little, allowing Draco to focus on his soothing voice.
Friday arrived and Draco felt conflicted about seeing Potter. He felt nervous, butterflies formed in his stomach. He knew Potter wasn't into men but he still was scared that Potter would think he was broken, a lost cause, unable to have sex with someone, it was pathetic. The more he thought about it, the more he worked himself up.
After dinner he went back to his dorms, doing a couple quick cuts to his wrist to calm himself down, imagining the stress flowing out of the wound. He cleaned up and went to the Room of Requirement. Harry was sat in his usual chair, he smiled up at Draco as he entered, who looked a bit better than he had in class.
"Hey" Harry said smiling. He was still confused about the Ron situation, but he couldn't help how his heart skipped when he was with the blonde.
"Hey" Draco replied, sitting himself down in the chair opposite.
"Listen, Hermione told me about what happened, how are you doing?" Harry decided to dive straight in.
Draco shrugged. "I'm fine" he didn't want Potter to know how weak he was.
Harry tilted his head and watched him. "You don't have to pretend with me Malfoy" he said softly.
"That's not what we're here to talk about though, right Potter?" Draco asked numbly, wrapping his arms around himself. He knew he was being defensive, but he was scared to open up, tell Potter how poorly he'd reacted, how pathetic he'd been. He was doing well with the drugs, he could talk about that.
"I'm worried, so is Hermione, that you're bottling up your feelings. I know it's not the only link to the drugs but when I found you in the bathroom that's what had triggered it, so it is related" Harry started. Draco looked away.
"And even if it wasn't related" Harry continued. "We're not just acquaintances any more, and I'm here to support you through anything. But I know how sensitive a subject it is, so I think you should maybe see a mind healer, or even a muggle therapist if you want to stay anonymous"
Draco stared at him. Blaise had suggested a mind healer too, maybe he should consider it. He wanted to keep seeing Potter though, would they stop seeing each other when he got well enough to take care of himself? But he couldn't talk to him about the rape. How could he talk to someone that he wanted to kiss, touch, have sex with, about the time he was raped by two men and how it had potentially damaged all future relationships for him? But Draco was the one keeping it a secret, he was the one that couldn't be gay, it was all so confusing.
"I'll think about it" was all he said in response.
They talked about the drugs for a little bit, Harry was pleased with the progress he was making, though he still didn't know about the self-harm.
Draco walked out of the Room of Requirement when they were done and headed back down to the Dungeons. On his way he saw the Ravenclaw Quidditch Team come in from their practice, and he swallowed hard, tensing up as he saw Devon walking in and laughing with them. Draco walked past them without making eye contact and let out a relieved breath as he heard their voices disappear down the hallway, his heart was hammering in his chest remembering the events of the other night.
He kept walking, trying to shake it off, when he heard footsteps behind him. He turned and saw Devon hurrying towards him, smirking at him, giving him a quick chaste kiss before taking his hand and pulling him into an empty classroom, where he pulled Draco in for a full snog. Draco responded in kind, knowing he needed to act natural, act like Wednesday night never happened. Devon pushed him against a desk, sliding his thigh in between Draco's legs and grinding himself against Draco's hip. At the feel of the desk against him, Draco knew he couldn't do this. He broke away quickly, trying to keep himself neutral while his brain screamed at him to get out of there.
"Shit I'm sorry, I'm meeting my friends, and if I don't get there soon they're going to come looking for me. We should do this soon though" he gave Devon a quick kiss on the lips.
Devon groaned but smirked. "You absolute tease" he said.
Draco winked and left. But as he exited the room, he wrapped his arms around himself protectively and hurried away, rounding the corner and bumping straight into Ron Weasley.
They both swore as they smacked into each other and stumbled back. Draco opened his mouth to say something scathing out of pure reflex but remembered the promise he gave Harry when he first offered to be his sponsor. He wouldn't mock his friends. He snapped his mouth shut.
"Watch where you're going Malfoy" Ron snarled at him, taking a menacing step forward. Draco took a quick step back in alarm, and a flash of confusion passed Ron's face.
Fuck, what is the matter with you?! Act normal! Draco scolded himself and his consistently on-edge character "You watch where you're going Weasley" he replied.
At the ridiculously poor comeback, Ron simply raised his eyebrows as if to say is that it? and Draco hurried past him, speedily walking to the Slytherin Common Room.
His day then went from bad to worse as he noticed a letter on his bed with the familiar lettering that belonged to his father. He opened the letter and scanned over it. His dad wanted him home, tonight. If he abused him, or kicked him out, it was going to really test Draco's ability to stay off drugs. Draco swallowed hard, then got changed and flooed home.