Author's Note: Thank you to anyone who decides to give this a read. This is an AU 2x08 story, multi-chapter with the possibility of the rating going up as the story progresses. Updates will be each Friday.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything related to Downton Abbey, just using it to be creative.

Chapter One

Mary closed her bedroom door, her eyes closing as she remembered the feeling of Matthew's lips over hers as he had kissed her sweetly. The feeling of being in his arms as they danced together, his confession that he still loved her, that he wanted to end his engagement to Lavinia, but it was against his nature to be selfish. Their moment of weakness where they had both been swept up in the moment of shared love that they had both tried so hard to bury. She leaned against the doorframe, remembering the look on Lavinia's face as she had caught them.

She let out a sob.

A heartbroken sob.

She had tried to bury her feelings for Matthew. It had been hard. The war had left a longing ache in her heart for him, and she found herself praying regularly to God to keep Matthew safe from harm. But she loved him enough to allow him to find happiness. Even if it wasn't with her. Aunt Rosamund had wanted her to sabotage his engagement to Lavinia and she had chosen not to. Because she knew that Lavinia made Matthew happy.

Her brown eyes opened, and she wiped the stray tear from her cheek as she sniffled. Crossing the room, she sat down at her vanity and removed her gloves, placing them in front of her as she noticed one of the drawers was open slightly. Frowning, she opened the drawer and saw the picture of Matthew laying out of place.

Lavinia must have found it. For whatever reason.

Her heart only sank a little more.

She shook her head and rubbed her forehead, feeling a sharp pain shoot through her head.

"He's marrying someone else," she whispered to herself, "You're marrying someone else."

But she knew that she would never be able to stop loving Matthew Crawley.

Tiredness overcame her and she felt a shiver run throughout her body as she coughed. The door knocked and Anna entered, the blonde looking at her with concern.

"Milady, are you alright?" Anna asked.

"I'm just tired, Anna." Mary sighed.

"I'll tell his Lordship you aren't well; Dr. Clarkson hasn't left yet." Anna said quickly.

But before Mary could protest, the maid had rushed out of the room. She tried to rise from the chair but fell to the floor, pain rushing from her head to her toes. She scrambled across the floor, managing to reach the bed as she grasped the covers and used them to pull herself up to her knees. The door banged open, and she saw her father rush into the bedroom, along with Edith and Anna.

"God, not you too." Her father said desperately.

"Papa, I just need to rest…" Mary said weakly.

"Anna, get her ready for bed, I'll ask Mrs. Hughes for some aspirin and water. Stay with her." Edith instructed.

"I'll go and inform the family that you're ill." Robert muttered.

Once the other adults had left the room, Anna got Mary ready for bed, helping her into a nightgown and tucking her into bed. Mary rested her head against the soft pillows, closing her eyes and wishing the pain would stop. Everything that followed was a blur. She vaguely recalled Dr. Clarkson visiting her, confirming to her father that she did, indeed, have Spanish flu and gave them instructions on how to care for her throughout the night. She remembered taking some aspirin and felt thankful a little while later when the pain relief had kicked in and she felt slightly better.

Her eyes closed as she dozed off, her dreams filled with Matthew's face, Matthew's arms holding her as they spun around the room, Matthew's soft lips kissing her.

However much I might want to.

Absolutely not.

Mary woke hours later, the fire still burning, and a wet cloth applied to her forehead. Her hair was down, running past her shoulders as droplets of water trickled into her long raven strands. Anna gave her a small smile.

"How are you, Milady?" Anna asked.

"I feel like death is lingering in the corner for me." She replied gloomily, letting out a cough.

"Is there anything I can get you?"

"Some paper and a pen, there's something I want to write. When it's finished, can you deliver it to Matthew?"

Anna didn't say anything but nodded her agreement as she fetched Mary some paper and a pen, leaving the room momentarily to get some fresh cloths. Mary sat up slightly, she rested the paper against her drawn-up knees and placed the tip of the pen to it, knowing that she shouldn't be writing this note but knowing the stories of how deadly this flu could be, she needed him to know her last thoughts if the flu should claim her life.

Dear Matthew,

I know that I shouldn't be writing you this letter for a variety of reasons. We're both engaged to other people for a start. You're marrying Lavinia in three days if you haven't postponed the wedding because of the flu. But, feeling as horrible as I do presently, I feel that I must write this so that I have no regrets should this illness claim my life.

When we first met, I was not the kindest to you. I was cruel and pompous due to our differences and then my opinion of you changed. I fell in love with you, but my hesitations ruined our chance of happiness. I regret that. If I could do things over, I would tell you that you were enough for me to spend my life with. I would tell you that the things I thought mattered don't but there are other reasons why I struggled to accept your proposal. I wish that I had trusted you enough, believed in us enough to tell you those reasons.

If this illness should claim my life, I want you to know that I don't regret our moment in the great hall. Dancing with you and sharing that kiss with you will be something I will cherish forever. I understand your obligation to Lavinia, and I know she can make you happy. I love you enough that I want you to be happy.

Be happy, my darling.

All my love

Mary.

Folding the piece of paper, she placed it in an envelope and wrote his name neatly on the front of it before she shifted to lay flat on her back and felt sleep washing over her once more.

oOo

Matthew leaned against the wall with his eyes closed and groaned inwardly.

Everything was a mess.

Cora was dangerously ill.

Lavinia was ill.

Carson was ill.

Now Mary.

After Mary had departed from the great hall, they had been told that his wedding to Lavinia would have to be postponed due to the Spanish flu and then whilst he had been alone with Lavinia, she had told him of her intentions to break their engagement because he needed to be happy with the right person. That Mary was the right person for him. And now Matthew felt like he was in a hole with no way to get out of it.

He wanted to fulfil his obligation to Lavinia. To build a life with her like he had promised. But dancing with Mary, holding her in his arms, reflecting on their missed chance and his decision to tell her about Violet's encouragement to break things off with Lavinia had led to him confessing that he still loved Mary and wanted to end his engagement, but he couldn't do so. She had agreed with him, that she understood why he couldn't give Lavinia the brush off after everything she had done for him. That he wasn't that person. But then he had kissed her, and she had returned his kiss.

And now he had a very hard decision to make.

Two women that he loved in different ways were ill in their beds. Whilst in his mind he had to choose Lavinia, his heart screamed for Mary. And Matthew didn't know which he should listen to.

"Matthew? Are you alright?"

He opened his eyes, tiredness sweeping through him as he looked at Robert.

"How's Cora?" Matthew asked.

"Still the same. Dr. Clarkson says that if she makes it through the night then she'll live." Robert replied with a sigh.

"I'm sorry, Robert."

"Nothing to be done about it except pray they make it through the worst. I'm about to go and check on Mary."

Matthew felt his heart beat with worry.

"Would you mind…if I came too?" Matthew asked.

Robert, for some reason, didn't even question his request. He merely nodded his head and the two men walked down the hall towards Mary's bedroom. Upon entering, Matthew felt his stomach drop at the sight before him. Mary lay in bed, her eyes closed and her chest rising and falling sharply and quickly. She coughed between breaths, and he could see the sweat dripping from her forehead as Anna applied a fresh damp cloth to her forehead.

"How is she, Anna?" Robert asked quietly.

"Still the same, My Lord, she's had moments where she's been awake but not long moments." Anna replied.

Robert nodded, the stress on his face evident as Matthew encouraged him to get some sleep. Robert informed him that one of the guest rooms had been made up for him and Isobel to stay the night so they could be close to Lavinia and then he departed. Matthew continued to stand in the doorway, feeling unable to leave Mary. As if something powerful had overcome his ability to move and had kept him rooted to the spot he stood.

Anna turned her head and gave him a small smile.

"Sir…if I may…" she said quietly.

"Yes Anna?" Matthew asked.

"Lady Mary asked me to give you this." Anna said, holding a small letter and extended her hand.

Matthew crossed the room and took the letter from her.

"I have to get some fresh water. Would you mind sitting with her for a moment? I'll be back shortly." Anna asked.

Matthew knew that he shouldn't be left alone with Mary in her bedroom. It was scandalous and improper. But given the circumstances…

"Of course, just don't say anything to anyone." Matthew replied.

Anna nodded her head and curtsied as she left the room with the bowl and towels, closing the door behind her. Matthew sat in the chair that Anna had occupied a moment ago and took Mary's cold hand in his own.

"God Mary…don't leave me…" Matthew begged.

Mary coughed and opened her eyes. She blinked at him in confusion but smiled.

"Matthew…" she spluttered, coughing and wheezing.

"I'm here, Mary. I'm here." Matthew whispered.

"Matthew…I…letter…lov…"

She coughed again and then closed her eyes, evidently unable to fight the sleep she desperately needed to fight this illness. Matthew let go of her hand and gently tore open the envelope and took the letter out. His eyes widened as he read each word carefully, feeling his heart soar at her confession.

He re-read the letter one more time before Anna returned to the room and stuffed it inside his pocket. He requested that Anna or whoever would relieve Anna to inform him in the night if Mary needed him or if there was any change in her condition and left the room.

When he stood outside Mary's bedroom, he rubbed his forehead in his hands and let out an angry yell.

Mary loved him. She loved him enough for him to build a life with Lavinia.

Lavinia wanted to break their engagement.

He had a duty to Lavinia.

But he still loved Mary.

And both women that he loved were ill.

And he knew as he walked towards his room for the night that he would have a very difficult decision to make.