Chapter five.
Ramblings of a fool.
I silently creep in the room that shelters you…
I see you're face so deep in slumber…void of the pain that was heard throughout that midnight sky….
How is it that I care for you so?
Even as the eerie circumstances of life separates us
Even as my own frustrations create this gap between our hearts
Even as the fates of the world have barred the idolatries of romance and the enigmas of our being into one distorted web of hate and remorse…
What makes our heart crumble is what tempts me to be with you…and yet…I cannot
Even as I…
… Long for your touch
Your hope…
And the lingering kisses that I have only tasted within the sanctity of my thoughts…
I cannot.
This happiness is not something I deserve…
I cannot. But still…
You're laugh, your smile your earthy glow is what forms the entity of my humanity.
It is what guarantees me the hope that I need to endure the suffering…
However, it seems as though that has vanished as well…
And I could not prevent it…
I am strong.
I am brave.
I am daring.
And yet I am nothing compared to you…
It is because of this that I cannot restore your life to what it was before. I cannot replace your smiles, your laughs or your love…
I brush my hand against your cheek… so soft and tender…
Your beauty never fades even in the depths of slumber…
Where have you gone?
I long for the day to be with you
Forever underneath the vastness of the heavens I crave for the day that our lives intertwine within the tapestry of life…
And yet…
I resist…
I shun you aside…
Deep down within the crevice of my unforeseen shadows I resist your glow…
Your touch.
Your scent.
Your warmth…
Your lips pressed against mine…
I resist the temptations that bind me so close to you… I shove them away…hidden in my thoughts…I keep them concealed.
I look upon you and tremble.
I look upon you and my body caves in anticipation…
I look upon you and shower you with neglect…
I call you names.
I taunt and tease your weaknesses.
I look down upon your optimism
I glare at you with malice and annoyance…
But…
Each time
Each time I perform these unforgivable crimes… my heart slowly sinks in misery…my mind goes into a subdued state of nothing… and my hate devours my entire being…
Each time…
I look and see the sadness in your eyes…
So fragile…
So delicate…
So vivid…
So achingly beautiful…
I muster every bit of my strength to resist from pulling you into my arms and burying you into my heart…
Each time…
I end up scorning myself for hurting you…
Regret takes its toll and I forcibly try to pry the thoughts outside my head repeating mantras of refusal, denial and hate behind my stoic persona…
I try to convince myself that I am not deserving of your love or even your presence…
And yet the egotistical bastard within me prevails and repeats unwanted yet tolerated thoughts within me…
"You don't deserve me," it whispers into my hollowed form…
Not deserving of me…
No…
It is I that is not worthy of you…
I no longer hold the ability to feel love…
What escapes my emotions is hate…vengeance…
This is the path I chose to follow….
This path tainted with the black plague of hate
A color that will never greet you with warmth.
It does not suit you…
I do not suit you…
I want…yet I can't.
You're so damn annoying…But still
Some part of me still…longs for you…
Even now…when you carry upon your shoulders traces of my character…details of my life that has sent my soul in a deliberate isolation from the world…
Why?
Why did this happen?
Why have you become like me?
The sadness in your eyes…
The solitude in which you have punished yourself with…
The emptiness…the guilt…the regrets…
This…is not your life to live…the path paved in front of you is as similar as mine…
Should you submit to the temptations as well?
No…
At least…I can hope….
But why should I care?
Why?
Why…Damnit! WHY?
Why do I have to be this way?
Why can I not love you as you have always with me?
Why is it that this pain in my heart only subsides when you are around?
Why is it that you still accept me as the monster that I am?
It infuriates me…
I hate it.
It makes me feel so…
IncompetentIt makes me want to forget the purpose that has kept me alive all these years…
Perhaps…that's why…
I can never love you.
If love has the power to make one strong…
Then it has the ability to destroy as well…
Perhaps this is why I push you away…
I fear being weak…
I fear being sheltered in comfort…
I fear ever caring for anyone again…
I fear forgetting my promise…
I fear abandoning my "destiny"
I am the avenger.
I can't
To endure the agony of losing…someone precious…
No, I cannot risk such a thing through this ludicrous notion we call love.
To stand-alone is my best and only defense…
I must…despite the longing… I must push you away….
From this day forth…you will truly mean nothing to me…I still have my mission to complete…
I cannot afford to become weak because of your love…
How pathetic would that be?This insatiable longing I have for you will die…even if it be by my hands…
Even if my own sanity would prove me ill…I will keep them buried within the graveyards of my past despite protests from my bleeding morality.
The secrets of my soul shall die before the sun shines upon the rugged contours of its despicable intentions.
I can't have you.
I won't have you.
I don't need you.
…And still it hurts to realize this…
Damn the circumstances of life…I thank you for returning me…
I thank you for showing me what it's like to be cared for…
I thank you for agonizing over my loss…
I thank you for believing in me…
I thank you for…just being
But this is where it all stops…
For the second time I thank you…
But don't worry; be rest assured…that I will remain within this village…that much I owe to all of you still…
But team seven shall be void of my presence and never will I open up my life to others again…
To reveal is to be incompetent.
To be cared for is useless…
To love you is to be weak…
I retract my hand from your face and peer down upon your sleeping form…
For the second time I thank you…
For the second time I detach myself from you and Team Seven
I love you…
Goodbye…
To continue or not to continue That is the question
what do ya'll think?
sincerely,
ayu...