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Chapter Two

As much as he knew he needed to get some sleep, Matthew couldn't close his eyes and get it. Every time he tried to get comfortable and closed his eyes, his thoughts would drift between Lavinia and Mary and the guilt would make him open his eyes and sit up, trying to ponder what he should do.

Lavinia wanted him to be with the right woman and Mary wanted him to be happy. He let out a groan and sat upright in bed when he heard a knock on the door.

"Come in." Matthew yawned.

The door opened and his mother entered, still wearing her dress from dinner. Isobel smiled weakly and stood in the doorway.

"Lavinia is resting, she still has a fever." His mother informed him.

"What time is it?" Matthew asked.

"Three in the morning. Dr. Clarkson is coming after breakfast to treat everyone." His mother replied.

"Do you want me to sit with Lavinia so you can rest?" Matthew asked.

"No dear, one of the maids is sat with her."

"How are Cora and Mary?"

"Still the same," Isobel sighed, "O'Brien is still with Cora and Mary was sleeping when I went to check on her."

Matthew nodded, trying to ignore that pang of guilt twisting his stomach into knots. He glanced at his mother and frowned, noting the expression on her face that she wanted to say something but was unsure if she should get involved.

"What is it mother?" Matthew prompted.

"When I checked on Mary…she was muttering your name in her sleep…" Isobel sighed.

Great. Something to make him feel even worse.

"Mary-"

"Is still in love with you." Isobel stated.

Matthew closed his mouth and nodded stiffly, looking away from his mother, fearing that she would be disappointed in him.

"Regardless of how Mary feels about me, she's marrying someone else. And I…" Matthew trailed off.

"Am clearly conflicted, my dear boy." Isobel said softly.

"Mother…I can't do this now…" Matthew pleaded.

Isobel crossed the room and sat herself on the edge of the bed, taking hold of Matthew's hands.

"Matthew, I'm proud of the man you have become. You're good, kind, and selfless. You have good morals and principles. I know you love Lavinia, and you want to be a good husband to her like you've promised to be. But your love for Lavinia is not the same as the love you have for Mary." His mother reasoned.

"No," Matthew agreed, "The love I have for Lavinia and the love I have for Mary are entirely different."

"I know you have a hard decision to make, my dear. But as your mother, I don't want to see you conflicted. Make a choice, Matthew. The right choice. I'm here if you need anything." Isobel encouraged.

His mother said no more on the subject and left his bedroom. The conversation only made him feel more guilty about his betrayal to Lavinia. How could he not? Lavinia had devoted her future to caring for him when he thought he would never walk or father children.

The hours passed quickly as Matthew decided that he wasn't even going to try and get some sleep but to go for a walk to clear his head a little. Dressing himself, he left the house and told Carson he would be back for breakfast. He walked through the grounds, down the drive and before he knew it found himself in the village. It wasn't as if he had meant to end up here but as he passed The Grantham Arms, he stopped as he saw Tom Branson.

"Sir." Tom greeted.

"You're still here?" Matthew asked.

Tom nodded.

"I'm staying at the pub until Sybil is ready to leave." The Irishman explained.

Matthew didn't know why he was finding it easy to converse with the ex-chauffeur, but he envied the man. Sybil and Tom were from two entirely different backgrounds and had somehow found love in each other that Sybil was willing to throw everything she was accustomed to away to start a new life in Ireland.

"I envy you, Branson," Matthew said with a slight smile, "You know what you want and now you're getting it."

"What do you mean?" Tom asked.

"Just that…you and Cousin Sybil faced many challenges for the love you share and equally still have some to face." Matthew replied.

"I've loved Sybil for years, Mr. Crawley. I waited for her through so much and now she's ready to be my wife. I've never been surer." Tom stated politely.

"That's why I'm envious, Branson. You've never been surer."

"Matters of the heart?"

Matthew nodded which only caused Tom to frown.

"Miss Swire and Lady Mary?"

"Two women that I love. Two women who want me to be happy. But I have a duty, an obligation to build a life with Lavinia like I promised, and Mary is engaged to someone else."

"Forgive me if this is impertinent, Mr. Crawley. But you and Lady Mary are meant to be together. I've known that as long as I've been at the house and at first this kept you apart and then that kept you apart. I don't think you'll be happy with anyone else so long as Lady Mary walks the earth."

Matthew looked Tom in the eye, as if his words had somehow given him some clarity. He thanked Branson and wished him well and decided to take a slow walk back up to the house.

Tom's words were spinning around in his mind. Was it really so obvious to everyone else? That he and Mary were meant for each other? Their romance had been over so long ago now, he had been through a war and a severe injury which had only given him a bleak outlook on life until it turned out his future wasn't in jeopardy. Even if he agreed with Lavinia to break their engagement and move on with his life, there was still the uncertain possibility that Mary would marry Sir Richard Carlisle. Could he even be sure that he had a future with Mary if he chose not to pursue a future with Lavinia?

It was breakfast when he reached the house. The table seemed bear without Mary or Lavinia there to join them. Sybil was sitting at her sister's bedside whilst Edith had gone to relieve O'Brien from Cora's side. Both Cora and Mary had made it through the night but were still unresponsive and Dr. Clarkson would be arriving shortly to treat everyone and determine the next steps.

"I've telephoned Sir Richard. I told him not to come until Mary is well again." Robert sighed.

"How did Sir Richard take the news of Mary's illness?" Matthew asked.

"Hard to make out really. He just said to make her comfortable and asked me to keep him informed." Robert replied.

"Would you mind if I check in on Mary after I see Lavinia?"

Robert nodded his permission and the two men carried on eating their breakfast as Isobel entered the room. Matthew met his mother's eyes, but she didn't say anything, perhaps it was because Robert was in the room. But he knew that his mother would want to talk to him more following their argument just hours earlier.

Once breakfast was finished, Matthew headed up to the room where Lavinia was sleeping. Inside, she lay in bed, her skin flushed with fever as he asked the maid to give them a few minutes alone together. He sat down in the now empty chair next to Lavinia's bedside and watched her as she opened her blue eyes and gave him a weak smile.

"Good morning." Matthew smiled.

"Matthew…" Lavinia said croakily.

"I hope you feel better soon, is there anything I can get for you?" Matthew asked.

Lavinia shook her head gently from side to side.

"I need…I need you…to be happy…"

"Shush, darling. We're not talking about this now."

Lavinia looked at him sadly.

"When I'm well…" she stated in a mutter.

Matthew felt a twist in his stomach as he nodded his agreement, and she closed her eyes again. He reached across and squeezed her hand gently. He stood up and left the room, a part of him wishing that he could sit with her a little longer. Seeing her so ill, knowing that all he had to look forward to once she was better was a very difficult conversation with Lavinia didn't make him feel any better.

He walked down the hall and knocked on Mary's door, entering to see that Sybil was administering a fresh, damp cloth to Mary's forehead.

"How is she?" Matthew asked.

Sybil looked up, her blue eyes only expressing her sadness and exhaustion.

"Dr. Clarkson is coming soon, he's with mama at the moment. She still has a fever; she's still coughing and she's in and out of sleep." Sybil sighed.

"Have you had any rest?" Matthew asked.

Sybil shook her head.

"I'm a nurse, I need to be looking after people." She replied.

"Cousin Sybil, you've been looking after your mother, Lavinia and Mary all night. Go for a lie down, I'll sit with Mary until Anna is up from her rest." Matthew offered.

"Cousin Matthew, I…I'm not sure-"

"Given the circumstances, I don't think your father will mind. Go and rest." Matthew instructed.

He watched as Sybil nodded reluctantly and left the room to rest, leaving him alone with Mary. He sat on the chair next to her bedside, taking hold of Mary's cold hand like he had last night and squeezed it.

"I don't know if you can hear me, Mary. But you have to get well again. There are some things we need to discuss."

Mary stirred from sleep, her brown eyes fluttering open to look at him.

"Matthew…" she coughed.

"I'm here, Mary." Matthew whispered.

"Matthew…I…"

"Hush now, sleep."

She looked him in the eyes, filled with love and fear which made Matthew want to lay on the bed next to her, hold her in his arms until the fear went away. But he didn't. He couldn't. However much he might want to.

As he watched Mary sleep, his thoughts drifted back to the conversation he had with Tom in the village. According to Tom, it was evident to everyone else how he and Mary felt about each other. But he had been resolved to move on with Lavinia until his moment with Mary. He couldn't brush off their moment as a last goodbye to anything they might have had.

Whatever was going to happen once Lavinia had recovered from her illness, he knew that he would have to make a decision regarding his future and which woman he would spend the next forty years of his life with.