"Inner Sakura"
"Sakura thinking"
disclaimer: I do not own naruto (sigh) but I do own this story and all other original characters in it.
with that said
on with the story
enjoy:
>ayu
Chapter 6
Worth
"I love you""Good bye…"
As I turn and leave you in your slumber I hear you whisper in reply. Faint and slow did it reach my senses…
And yet…
It struck such a force of guilt, pain and longing within me…
You…only you who posses the means to destroy me with one word…
With one sound…
All within the rhythmic pattern of my name…
"Sasuke…" you breathed, as I turn to take my departure.
For the duration of the next two weeks, Sakura had remained still as though the tides of emotions that have passed through her left her empty…frail…yet rigid against it's destruction.
She had already been awake from her prolonged slumber for a few days now. Once her chakra was stabilized to it's normal levels she could fully function her limbs and senses once more…but it was a hard road to recovery…In the physical sense; it meant nothing…but deep down…her heart would ache as she pondered over and over and over in her mind the events returned slowly to her memory. Groggily reopening her eyes to a world that she had been exiled from in what seemed like an eternity caused her senses to wake in frenzy. She had only a small recollection of the events that had passed weeks prior to her hospitalization…she remembered the fire…the death…even the disgusting smell of burning corpses…but they came to her in short glimpses in space and time…she remembered the boy in her arms…. and the dead woman she tried so desperately to resuscitate back to life…
She remembered what she had done…
What she was never allowed by the natural laws to even attempt
Her memory failed her for a few days…not being able to recognize certain things, events and even people…and yet…that night…the night underneath the blankets of stars was still vividly stained in her dreams…. as for the other aspects of her failing memory, the Godaime assured her that they were only the normal side effects from the treatments that she had received for her recovery. Though she had awoken to the familiar, the world that circled her—it's ambiance—seemed different…
She had expected to find Naruto's enthusiastic display of shouts and screams of affection combined with his deadly bear hugs and monstrous smiles.
She had expected Sai's mutual, yet mocking reply ending with a "glad you're okay ugly," or a "pipe down you dickless wonder" in reference to Naruto's (as of the moment non-existent) exuberance.
She had expected to be greeted by Tsunade's disapproving gaze for her failed and fatal attempt with the resurrection jutsu while being greeted by her warm yet distressed smiles.
She had expected to see Kakashi behind his orange book with his visible eye gazing at her in a semi-creased smile with an almost fatherly adoration.
And Sasuke?
Well…he on the other hand exceeded her expectations completely…
He never came…not once even after her reawakening had she seen his face…
She would learn from Kakashi and the rest later on that he had been distant from everyone in the past few weeks upon their arrival… that only led the pink-haired beauty undistracted from pondering the circumstances…her circumstances…
She did not awake to warm smiles and comforting reassurances, but with solemn looks of dread…sadness…and pity? It was as though they held an almost peculiar untold secret behind each of their auras… a secret she knew…yet she could not come close to completely admitting…at least…not yet…
She had wondered then, why they had given her such a solemn greeting…she wondered why they had looked at her that way the moment her eyes fluttered open into reality…
She wondered why Naruto would not even come near her, looking at her as though she were a fragile piece of porcelain.
She wondered why Sai would not meet her gaze—the once sardonic man was now transformed into a sad and frightened fool who merely turned his head away in silence.
She wondered why Tsunade's eyes had lost their fierce authoritative glow each time she looked at her…her eyes now deep in remorse and saddened by a fear that Sakura could not decipher.
She wondered why Kakashi's composure lacked its usual lazy stance but was now replaced by one that held an air of sorrow…of guilt…
…. But… why…?
Why did they all scorn her with their eyes?
The way each pair would stare at her…roaming every surface of her skin, her heart, her mind, and her soul trapping her freedom within such grievance as though marking her with indifference…changed…unworthy…
Why?The answer came soon enough as the Godaime requested a private audience with the pink-haired kunoichi to discuss matters pertaining to her daring attempt and towards her "condition"
The memory of the conversation still lucid in her thoughts…
Sakura drew in a sharp breath which she released in a few passing moments into freedom. Lying on her bed she merely stared at the rotating fan above her, moving her eyes to it's oscillating motion. She was now home…home…her home…it was supposed to be a place of sanctity…a refuge for the lost and weary…but her home was no such place…. each step she took…. each corner she turned reminded her of what she had lost because of her weakness…. because of her incompetence… She lay on her bed unmoving as her thoughts traveled to back to that fateful conversation with her sensei, Tsunade-sama
Tsunade had turned to make sure that they were undisturbed as the door to the hospital room that sheltered Sakura made a faint "click" emphasizing the silence that followed. She had already discussed Sakura's condition to the rest of team seven and informed them that they should be rest-assured about Sakura's condition…for as far as the tests prove, her health is still more above the norm…except for one detail that cursed her curiosity
she could remember Naruto's vociferous cries for explanations...explanations that she could not provide...
"How is this possible OLD HAG! who the hell would do this to her!"
"Naruto..calm down!...I will question her when she has regained consciousness...now please leave before I throw you out!"
…Tsunade just had to know…how…when…more importantly…who…
"Sakura…" Tsunade began, breaking her out of her trance.
"Hai…? Tsunade-sama?"
Tsunade was smart, knowing full well that such discussions should not be taken so lightly…or so abruptly…however such circumstances did not provide her with a subtle entry. So she would start out slow…
"You know the limits to one's capacity… you of all people should not have dared the impossible… she paused studying the look of forlorn and distress written across her pupil's face. She walked towards the bed an sat by its edge. "Tsunade-sama…she knows…of course she does…she's a Sennin after all…" Sakura inwardly pondered fearing for the worst. She knew she had broken the laws of nature…broken the vow she had sworn to Tsunade years ago…
She remembered that day… the day she made that promise…
On that cold October day, Tsunade had asked her to organize the justsu scrolls that the Sandaime had left… being the obedient apprentice that she was she quickly obliged and set forth into the task at hand. Little did she know that she'd encounter the key that would change her fate with the stars forever…
A small black scroll…hidden and buried within the inner most compounds of the Sandaime's abandoned properties…
It was peculiar in shape…yet alluring in it's presence…
The obedient kunoichi within her battled her urges to reveal its contents…
Yet her inner self pushed her into temptation…
'I'm sure one peek won't hurt…'
'But Tsunade-sama said to only organize it…not to---"
'Aay… are you really a ninja? If you were sent on a mission would you ask the enemy permission before striking them?'
'But…'
'Come-on…one peek…''Oh.All right…'
Finally submitting to the taunts and provocations of her inner self, Sakura delicately opened the tiny scroll and stood in shock at what it had revealed…
"Resurrection Healing jutsu…"she whispered.
"A jutsu that hones the ability to revive a fallen life from sudden death…" she paused 'isn't this like the kinjutsu Orochimaru developed…? The one he tried to trick Tsunade-sama with?'
She continued to read…each word enticed her…lured her into the spell's binding captivity… "So this jutsu is different from his…this revives the fallen when only when their bodies are still fresh from death where as Orochimaru's jutsu requires sacrifices for the technique to fully function…" she stated to herself recalling how Tsunade had explained Orochimaru's insatiable lust for the forbidden…She kept on reading until she finally came across the symbols for the hand seals that released this power. She was almost tempted to try it…dare to experiment with it…until her eyes caught something else…
Stored away within the bottom of the scroll, was a neatly folded piece of parched paper…on it where a different set of hand seals scribbled in what would appear as the handwriting of the late Hokage. Sakura stared in disbelief at the specialized jutsu scribbled before her. She kept reading on as she encountered a small note written on its margin that distinctly labeled "Forbidden."
"Is this even possible?" she breathed rifling through her brains for a possible answer yet before she could summon an explanation, the door swung behind her revealing her sensei struck with an anger that Sakura had never been acquainted with. With the limited time she had to react she unknowingly disposed of the folded paper and placed it safely tucked away within the hem of her shirt. Tsunade took gentle yet stern strides across the linen floor and grabbed the opened scroll within her hands. Sakura could only bow in defeat as Tsunade examined the contents of the scroll before her…anger mixed in a whirlwind of disappointment written verbatim across her face.
That's when it happened…she had slapped Sakura in the face…strong enough to be harsh yet gentle enough to understand.
"Sakura, life revolves in a cycle of beginning and end…I THOUGHT you'd be SMARTER than this…the resurrection justsu is one that is proved fatal to the whoever tampers with the laws of nature… Swear to me that you shall never tamper with such foolish ideals…!"
"I swear Tsunade-sama…I swear…" Sakura sighed with her head hung low…tears forming within the ridges of her eyes.
It wasn't until she had reached her home that she realized…
That within the safety of her attire was the small-parched paper, which she abruptly hid from Tsunade's gaze.
The one labeled by the Sandaime as "forbidden"
The one that would allow her to live once more…
"You swore to me, Sakura…performing that revival jutsu on that woman was careless… it could have left you in a far worse disposition…" tsunade sighed.
Sakura somehow found herself relieved by her Sensei's words "So… was this what she was worried about…?"
"To provide life from death…"
"Is forbidden…" Finished Sakura "But shouldn't it be that no man has not the right nor the privilege to take the life of another? As a medic-nin my sworn duty is to protect and heal the lives of people…not to just watch them waste away within my arms knowing full well that I have the ability to provide for them life…even if my own soul is sacrificed in the process…" Sakura paused, taking in a deep needed breath of air "all those people, Tsunade-sama…all those people…lost…and I couldn't…. I couldn't…" her voice was only a mere whisper as she clutched the sheets that surrounded her with such intensity that it left her fists pale as snow. "I held a boy in my arms…he was no younger than Lin was…so frail…he looked at me with those eyes…and in that moment I could feel his life slip away from me… In that moment I saw my sister's face and I began to push everything I had…all my energy…all my will…all my love…into the body of that young boy…but I couldn't…before the cells began to regenerate he had already left…. and it was I that could not save him…and in the end all I could do was close his eyes and watch him slumber in eternity within the inferno of corpses that we collected…all I could do… was close his eyes one last time…" Sakura looked away to where the window was and saw the bright blue skies that painted the heavens. "Then, when I had thought of myself incompetent…I found the broken woman in the sanctuary…she had the same eyes as the boy…I told myself…. told myself that this time I'd give it my all…that I'd save her…that I didn't give a damn anymore even if it meant crashing full force into oblivion, into death and beyond…as long as I saved some part of this human being…then…it would have been worth it…. that was why I broke the laws of the natural world…" Sakura sighed in defeat her head bowed low as she let sorrow cascade through her broken morality "and still…despite all that…despite my greatest efforts…all I could do in the end… was close her eyes…"
Tsunade had realized the extent of the sorrow that had befallen the young girl before her and in those instant flashes of her former self settled in her memory. Was she the same when Dan and Nawaki was lost from her grasp? Was she ever this…naïve…foolish?
'Dan…Nawaki…even now…the memory still haunts me…'"People die Sakura," retorted Tsunade with an almost matter-of-fact tone that startled Sakura. "You forget that you chose the life of a Shinobi—a life paved by death…death which sadly…provides for our survival… we are not gods Sakura…we cannot wield such power in our hands…"
"No we are not…we are shinobi…we aren't sons and daughters of any god…we are the fabrication of the devil…" Sakura sneered in response. "That is a true Shinobi…"
"Sakura…"
"All I wanted… was to try and save a life…all I was trying to accomplish was to put my so called skills to good use…so am I…am I being reprimanded for that?" the last few words were a faint whisper.
In the years of her tutelage of the young kunoichi Tsunade had recognized her higher than most of the elite ninja in Konoha and if not the most prominent medic within the region…. she was proud of her…and more importantly…she loved her and regarded her as a daughter. "No one is reprimand you Sakura…" She whispered as she leaned over and gave the kunoichi a tight yet loving embrace
"You're eyes tell me differently…"
"…"
"You're eyes…all of you…they all seem to scorn me…for what I've done…for my failure…ALL THIS FUCKING TRAINING…and I'm…still useless…"
"Was it worth it?" Tsunade asked cupping Sakura's chin lovingly making her set here gaze upon her jaded orbs "Was it worth getting hurt? Was it?"
"…"
"Sakura…we were all deeply worried for you…and for your current…condition…" Tsunade replied never letting go of her apprentice…making a clear emphasis on the last few words…
"Condition?"
"Hai—" Tsunade freed Sakura from her embrace and her once loving gaze turned into the eyes of pity that have greeted her from here wake…
"Sakura…you're pregnant…"
With that Tsunade looked down with sadness still lingering within the contours of her face at the distressed kunoichi…
The silence that had followed was beyond excruciating. The memory of the encounter still shocked her…the pain that had passed through her body…the tears that had cascaded down her face…the screams…the agony…
She remembered it…
Yet…
'Was it worth it?'She knew the consequences…but was she ready to face it? The torment of the years to come…the isolation…the loneliness…the whispers and the murmurs of gossips that would soon engulf her identity within the village…
'Was it worth it?'Was it worth abandoning the life she knew…was it worth the scornful eyes that would soon stare into her soul…was it worth the innocence she is now deprived of…was it worth forgetting…was it worth…moving on?
Sakura smiled inwardly and asked, "Do the others know?"
"Yes...Kakashi and I have already informed them of your circumstances..."
"I see...how did they take it?"
"I think..that, that matter should be discussed between you and team seven...they are very eager to see you...relieved to know that you are safe...dazed by what you are now faced with..."
"I see..."
Silence.
"Sakura…are you certain you still want to go through with this?" Tsunade asked
"…Hai…I am sure…"
Tsunade nodded and released her hold on the kunoichi… "But Sakura…" her face now filled with worry…
"I must know…" she sighed…. "How was this possible…where you in any way…" releasing a deep sigh, Tsunade braced herself for the worst possible scenario.
"Where you in anyway…. violated?"
"Do you know the identity of the child's father?...sakura I must know"
There was no reply that came from Sakura…. She had told the truth…but Sakura knew…she knew deep down what the truth was…and yet she could not muster the courage to reveal it…she wouldn't…
At least…not for now…
Not until the past has been buried behind her…
Not until…she would fully forget…
Not until then would she reveal the child's origins…
"Sakura…you must tell me…where you—"
"No… Tsunade-sama…I wasn't…"
"Then who is..."
"I don't know..."
"Sakura! DONT LIE TO ME! if you know who the bastard is that did this to you--"
"I don't know." gritted Sakura through her teeth, Tsunade take aback by her apprentice's reation. But she could see it...her eyes held truth...no doubt...no confusion...
...just truth...
truth that hid something more...but it was somethin Sakura was not ready to reveal...and so she would wait until the time came for it to be freed from the young kunoichi's conscience.
Tsunade could only sigh as she was mesmerized by the defiant yet firm gaze that Sakura held at that moment...eyes that held truth and unwavering determination... a look she had not seen spark in her since the day she asked to become her apprentice...a look that had died the die her parents were brutally cast aside from the land of the living...
In that moment.
She could see...Sakura's former being was alive once again...
"Are…you certain that you are fully prepared for this…Sakura?"
"Hai…Tsunade-sama…I am…" she nodded
'Because deep down I know…it was worth it'
'It was worthit' she repeated the mantra in her mind. Surely she was aware of the consequences, but given her circumstances the day she was deprived of innocence...time did not allow her a sufficient amount to consider the severity of the action.
But every so often doubts would creep within the chambers of her thoughts. Would she be able to pull through? Was she strong enough? Was she able enought? Was it really worth it?
Was it worth the scornful eyes that would soon greet her?
Was it worth leaving behind the life she knew?
Was it worth the gossips that would soon shroud her identity in the village?
Was it worth the degrading isolation that would soon engulf her?
Was it worth stepping aside from the battle field?
Was it worth forsaking the life of a Shinobi?
Was it worth losing his love forever?
Indeed, this was what she feared the most. The talk she had with the Godaime had left her somewhat in ease...but now came the part she dreaded with anticipation...how would she be able to confront the rest of Team 7?
No doubt they knew that she was expecting life to blossom from her...
but..
'What would I say about the father?'
True to the word of the Shinobi, Sakura had not lied that day she told Tsunade that she was not acquainted with the man that was soon to hold the title "father" to her child...for she herself pondered upon this mystery...she had successfully diverted Tsunade's attention from this matter by stating the truth as it was...and the Godaime trusted her evaluation, but was however still curious upon this mystery assuring her that she would somehow find a clue that would connect the pieces together...
Sakura hoped that day would not come by unwanted means...
if anything..she would be the one who'd reveal the truth...and nothing but...
but now was not the time...not yet...
Her comrades on the other hand where of a different matter. Although they are not quick to admitt it (with the exeption of Naruto) they were extremely protective of their cherry-blossom. Kakshi and Naruto would come to her defense (much to her annoyance) in the slightest emergency during battle. Even Sai, with his menacing words would sometimes come to her rescue when she is preyed upon by unwanted guests...she later, would learn ofcourse that Sai merely diverted the stranger's attention by mentioning Sakura's "unstable mental retardation..." She would scowl at his care but, no matter how obscene they looked...it always did the trick of protecting her.
And Sasuke?
well...that was a story placed upon a much foreign platform...He would protect her...for his survival..no more no less...
She wondered how they took the news...how they'd react nine months from now...she wondered whether or not they'd still accept her...love her...be with her...
She wondered if this would only set her more apart from his heart...
would he even care?
would he scowl in disgust?
gaze in pity?
look away in her unworthyness?
She sighed...
If anything in life was forbidden...
it must have been her love for Sasuke...
Slowly rising from the bed that sheltered her she strode outside her apartment and headed towards Team kakashi's bridge, four familiar figures stood poised in her view...three with an unreadable look in their eyes...one turned away...
'might as well get this over with...'she sighed as she continued forth
Due to persistant requests, I've decided to stick with it and just continue writing. Thanks to the numerous emails! (though id appreciate more reviews as well) and much thanks to the encouragement of marsgodess (claps hands)
ooohhhhhh who's the dadddy?
whos the daddy?
iono..
stay tuned to find out.
lots of love,
Ayu.