Author's Note: Posting this now as illness is spreading through the house. Next chapter will be posted next week.
Chapter Three
It had been a week since she had fallen ill, and it was only now that Mary felt a little better. Her fever had broken but she still felt tired and weak. The cough still lingered slightly, and Dr. Clarkson had ordered her to be on bed rest for a few more days and then start taking light exercise by going for short walks and then resting. Luckily, everyone else in the house had recovered from Spanish flu. Her mother was still bedbound, as was Lavinia but Carson and the maids who had caught the illness were now back on their feet but required regular rest breaks during the day.
Mary had given Anna permission for a day off so the maid could head to Ripon with Bates to get married. After all the uncertainty over the past week, Mary believed that there should be something good to occur in the house. She had mentioned it to Jane who had arranged for a surprise for Anna and Bates to celebrate their wedding night.
It had also been a week since she last remembered seeing Matthew. During her illness, there had been periods of her being awake before succumbing to sleep and she could have sworn that he had been by her side holding her hand during those moments. The belief of seeing him during those moments made her feel reassured that she would be well.
Sitting up in bed, Mary thanked Jane as the maid laid down her breakfast tray over her and left the room. Mary helped herself to some toast just as Matthew knocked on her bedroom door.
"Come in." Mary said quietly.
He hovered hesitantly in the doorway.
"Matthew, nothing untoward is going to happen," Mary said, rolling her eyes, "Come in, please."
He smiled and stood at the end of her bed.
"Are you well?" Matthew asked.
"Better than I have been." Mary replied.
"Sir Richard still hasn't arrived to see you."
"Hmm. I'm sure papa is keeping him informed."
"I believe he is."
The awkwardness was still present between them, the memory of the kiss they had shared and the confession that had slipped past his lips a week ago hung above their heads. It only made Mary wonder if he had read her letter. The letter she had wrote to him fearing that she might die, and she didn't want to die with any regrets. She wondered if he was going to tell her about his wedding to Lavinia. She wanted to know when it was to be rearranged, there was so much to plan. She needed to plan for her own wedding to Sir Richard at the end of July, but she imagined that with the postponement of Matthew and Lavinia's wedding, hers would also be pushed back.
"How is Lavinia?" Mary asked.
"She's well, she's still weak and tired but she's started exercising today. Mother is heading out on a walk with her after breakfast." Matthew replied.
"I'm so happy to hear she's well. I imagine now that she's up and about you will have to make a new date for the wedding." Mary said with a weak smile.
She saw his face fall and it only made her heart ache.
"Mary…I'm so sorry…" Matthew apologised.
"Whatever for?" Mary asked.
"I-I-I've made such a mess of things."
"Matthew…I just want you to be happy." Mary stated in a soothing whisper.
He nodded stiffly and wished her well before leaving her room. Mary finished her toast and took a sip of some water. Looking up at the ceiling, she exhaled slowly and took another deep breath as her mind filled with thoughts of Matthew.
oOo
Matthew hurried through the grounds and caught up to his mother and Lavinia who were walking under the trees. Tiredness was present on Lavinia's face, as was coldness even for late April. He watched as Lavinia wrapped her shawl tighter around her shoulders and avoided his gaze.
"Mother, would you mind if Lavinia and I had a moment?" Matthew asked.
Isobel agreed, letting the couple walk a few steps ahead before she began walking again. Matthew looked down at Lavinia, hoping she would look up at him, but she refused, staring straight ahead in the direction of the hills and trees that surrounded Downton Abbey.
"Darling, if you're feeling well enough, I would like us to have a discussion." Matthew said gently.
"What is there to say, Matthew?" Lavinia sighed.
"For one, I want to apologise for hurting you. What you saw between Mary and I…I need to explain…" Matthew said quietly.
"Matthew, you love her. The look in your eyes as you danced with her, the way you leaned in and kissed her…you've never looked at me like that or kissed me like that…" Lavinia said, her voice breaking.
"Lavinia, I love you." Matthew protested.
"I know. But not in the way you love Mary. You're a noble man, Matthew. A good man. I told you that I think it's noble of you to want to keep your promises now that things have changed. But I can't hold you to those promises. Not when I know that you will be so much happier with Mary as your wife." Lavinia insisted.
"Lavinia-"
"No, Matthew. My mind is made up. Once Dr. Clarkson says I can travel, I will be going back to London to my father. I won't see you again."
Matthew was unsure of what he could say when it was evident that Lavinia was officially breaking their engagement. It only made him feel more guilty that she was the one making the decision before he could even apologise or explain his feelings. But she was right. It wouldn't have been fair to anyone if he had married Lavinia when his heart belonged to another.
"I would've married you; you know. I would have been a good husband and father. If I hadn't kissed Mary I would've married you." Matthew said quietly.
"I know you would have. You're a man of your word but it wouldn't have been right. You need not worry about being honest about your feelings, Matthew. I only want you to be happy." Lavinia sighed.
"I wish it had been right. As much as I wanted to keep my promise to you, I would always have known that it was the wrong decision." Matthew confessed.
"And now you can make the right one." Lavinia smiled weakly.
"I think you're forgetting that Mary is engaged to somebody else."
"Is she?"
"You know that she's marrying Sir Richard." Matthew reminded her.
"She wasn't exactly keen on setting a date for their wedding. I've seen the looks the two of you have shared, I would say that if offered the choice…she would rather marry you." Lavinia stated quietly.
"I'm so sorry." Matthew apologised.
"I'm not angry with you or with Mary." Lavinia added.
Not wanting to keep discussing Mary, Matthew cleared his throat.
"So…what will you do when you're back in London?" Matthew asked.
"I'm not quite sure. My father will meet me from the train when I return and then I'll go from there." Lavinia replied.
"I hope you can find some happiness with someone who truly deserves you." Matthew stated.
Lavinia smiled weakly, asking to return to the house. Matthew didn't protest or try to prolong their conversation any longer but remained outside as his mother escorted Lavinia back to the house. Whilst his engagement to Lavinia was broken, Matthew still had to make a choice regarding Mary.
oOo
That night, long after Matthew had returned to Crawley House with his mother, he sat in the drawing room trying to read a book. His mother entered the room, standing in front of him looking at him expectantly that he was reminded of all those times as a boy where she would expect him to have a conversation with her. A conversation of a serious nature.
"What is it, mother?" Matthew asked, closing the book.
"Before I say goodnight, I wanted to ask you about your talk with Lavinia today." Isobel stated.
Matthew sighed, placing the book in his lap as he looked up at his mother.
"Lavinia has ended our engagement, once she is well enough, she intends to return to London to live with her father."
"Poor sweet girl. I suppose she gave some strong reasons behind her decision?"
Matthew nodded.
"Yes. Reasons which only make me feel worse for breaking her heart." He sighed.
"What reasons?" Isobel asked, surprised.
"The night she became ill…I shared an intimate moment with Mary…" Matthew replied, his voice filled with shame.
He wasn't surprised as his mother's eyes widened. It only made him feel worse.
"What kind of intimate moment?" Isobel queried.
"Does it matter?" Matthew sighed.
"Yes, it does! I raised you better than to take advantage of another man's fiancée." Isobel scolded.
"I didn't take advantage! It wasn't my intention to…we shared a dance and conversation and we got…swept up in the moment…" Matthew said defensively.
"Matthew Reginald Crawley!" Isobel chastised.
Matthew cringed. He hated it when his mother would scold him using his full name. It only made him remember all those times as a child when he had earned her disapproval.
"You can't think less of me than I already do myself," Matthew said guiltily, "I've left rather a mess for myself to sort out."
Isobel's face softened, seeing the guilt eating away at him.
"My dear, it's clear that you have a lot to think about. Now that Lavinia has decided to call off your engagement you need to make a decision about Mary." His mother urged.
"And what decision should I make mother? Should I take Mary to one side after dinner and confess the ache I've had in my heart for her since the day I retracted my proposal?" Matthew said sarcastically.
"If that's what it takes." Isobel replied bluntly.
"It would hardly be proper-"
"Well, you haven't thought about propriety until now, have you?"
Matthew exhaled heavily, closing his eyes, and wishing he could not argue with his mother. Whilst he valued his mother's advice, he couldn't stand her disappointment in him.
"Mother…I need to think this through…Mary is still recovering." Matthew said delicately.
"And when she's recovered? Sir Richard will be on the first train to Downton when Cousin Robert gives him the news that she's well again." Isobel urged.
"I don't know, mother, I suppose I'll have to get her alone before Robert calls Sir Richard." Matthew sighed.
"If you'd like to write her a note, I can get it to her. I'm sitting with her for a little while tomorrow." Isobel smiled.
Matthew looked at his mother curiously. Just moments ago, she had been chastising him for having an intimate moment with Mary and now she was offering to help him speak with her before her fiancé returned to Downton?
"You're confusing me, mother." Matthew stated.
"Nothing confusing about it, my dear. I might not like that you've forgotten about propriety but if it means aiding my only son in getting his happiness then I will help where I can." Isobel replied.
"Do you think I should write a note to Mary?" Matthew asked.
Isobel nodded.
"It might be your last chance to settle things between you both. Leaving things hanging over your head won't do either of you any good." His mother replied.
Matthew nodded his agreement, standing up from his seat to find some paper and a pen. His mother bade him goodnight and left the room just as Matthew sat at the table and pressed the pen to the paper.
Dear Mary,
Please try to delay your father inviting Carlisle to Downton as you recover. I would like to accompany you on a morning walk as soon as you are able to do so. Let my mother know your reply and I'll meet you at the house in a few days.
Matthew
He folded the note into an envelope and scribbled Mary's name on the front before leaving it on the side for his mother to find in the morning. Letting out a yawn, he headed upstairs to his dressing room to get ready for bed.