Eight days. They were gone now for more than one weeknow. And still there was no sign of them. John had dragged his team back to the planet a few times, though by now they were certain that Elizabeth and the team were no longer there.
They had all the stargate addresses those people knew and were checking every single one of them, but so far they hadn't found a single trace. No one had seen them It was almost as though they had never existed.
He was sitting in her office, staring at her empty chair, and he felt the despair he had tried to control for so many days finally taking hold of him.
She was gone. He had lost her. Before he had even had the chance to tell her...
To tell her what?
That was the part he had never really allowed himself to think about. From the day they met he'd known that there was something special about her. He had wanted to be near her. And that had scared him so much that he had fought this feeling in every way he could think of, until he had almost been able to deny it completely.
He had run from her. Into danger. Into the arms of other women. Just as far away from her as possible.
Yet he had never been able to escape. He had always returned and sought her company again.
He got up and started pacing her office. He had been so damn stupid. If she would only come back now. He smashed his fist against the doorframe, barely noticing the pain that shot up his wrist.
His mind was just refusing to accept the fact that he could do next to nothing. They were already searching everywhere. All other missions had been cancelled, everyone able to walk was out looking for her.
He would probably have led every single search team, had not Dr. Beckett threatened to sedate him and strap him to an infirmary bed if he didn't eat and sleep regularly.
He simply had to find her. To save her. Hell, he didn't even know if she was in any kind of immediate danger. Or, for all he knew, she could as well be dead already. He winced at the thought.
'She is not dead! She is not dead!' he kept repeating that sentence in his mind over and over again.
Oh god, he needed her to be alive, to be OK.
He made his way to the control room. He just stood there, staring at the gate, willing it to activate and bring her back to him, almost disappointed when nothing happened.
There was so much work waiting for him. While she was gone, he was in charge. At least the work might help him take his mind off her. Which was, of course, stupid, since first of all it was her work he was doing, and in addition he constantly kept asking himself how she would have handled things. So that if... no, WHEN she came back, she'd find everything pretty much unchanged.
He went through several reports before he retreated to his quarters late at night to get some sleep. But his thoughts kept him awake for hours and when he finally fell into a light sleep he had nightmares.
In the morning he went to another planet with a search team to question the locals, but they hadn't seen anything, just like all the people they had talked to before.
They returned to the city late in the afternoon and he went straight to his office without saying a word and buried himself under a pile of paperwork again, until some time around midnight Carson came in and told him to go to bed.
He still couldn't sleep. His body was exhausted and he had a terrible headache for several days now, but still his thoughts kept him awake.
In the early morning hours he got up, while the city was still quiet. Everyone was still asleep.
He felt restless and started wandering through the deserted corridors.
He wasn't to surprides when suddenly he found himself outside her quarters. He let himself in and sat down on her bed, taking in the room around him.
It was obvious that she didn't spend too much time here. A sudden warm sensation filled his heart when he thought of the many times he had walked into her office in the morning, finding her asleep at her desk.
Still she had definitely given a personal note to this room. Sitting here he felt nearer to her than ever during the past few days. He could almost feel her presence here. And this feeling almost broke his heart.
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The next two weeks brought no news, either.
Most people on Atlantis by now were almost sure they would never see her leader or the team that had been with her again.
But they were all careful not to mention something like that in Colonel Sheppard's presence.
He knew about the worried looks people exchanged behind his back. he didn't talk to anyone and spend every minute he wasn't out there searching alone in his office or his quarters. Or her quarters. Sometimes.
He knew most of them by now thought there was no hope. But he wouldn't give up just now. She had never given up on him either when he was in danger. He couldn't give up. He just couldn't.
He stodd on the balcony. Their balcony. He stared out across the ocean, lost in thought, when suddenly Rodney's voice over the radio made him start.
"Colonel, you may wanna come to the control room. I think I found something."