Why?
Because I am god. Because I can. Because I love you, Kisa.
I feel tired and alone, leaning against my favorite of the sakura trees in my orchard. The blossoms have all fallen now; all but one. I watch it with bleary eyes, almost sleeping, held by the hypnotizing silence.
You appear in the doorway leading out to me, and the wind quietly lifts the blossom loose from the bough. I watch as it dances morosely and settles at your feet as you now stand before me.
My darling tiger. The only one left.
We stare at each other for one slow heartbeat.
"Akito-sama…" you breathe, and I can see tears shining in your eyes. I open my arms to you, and you throw yourself into my lap, head on my shoulder, weeping. We sit like that for a time, and I think.
I think about how you all don't truly love me. I think about Momiji's story, his own way of scolding me for my actions. I think about how much everyone hates me, how much they resent me. I think about whether or not I truly am a monster. Most of all, I think about how much you all have changed from what you were before that Honda filth came. I think about how I will need to have a word with her soon.
But with every tear that soaks my kimono's silk, the knot in my heart eases. It isn't nearly enough to dissipate the worry entirely, but for now, it will do. Soon enough, your sobs die away and from somewhere near my chest you mumble, "I'm sorry."
"No, my darling tiger, don't be. May I ask what troubles you, though?"
"You looked so sad…" you press your forehead against my wet shoulder and sigh.
Picking you up easily - I am not too weak for that - I stand and walk back into my rooms. I purr kindly, "Why should you be miserable, for my problems?"
You snuggle closer to me and sigh, "Because you'll never cry."
"I neither need nor want to cry."
"I know."
I look down at you with more questions, but you've fallen asleep. Hugging you briefly,I lay you down on my divan. I myself sit on the edge of the blanket, watching your calm, peaceful face, perfect in repose.
You look so fragile, Kisa. I'm almost afraid to touch you. Everything near me changes and goes away, like chicks leaving the nest. What have I become?
Every day I get closer and closer to insanity. I can feel myself tottering on the brink. Until now, the solid, fixed people around me have kept me stable, kept me happy…but now, I'm losing you. I'm losing all of you, slowly but surely.
The blossoms are all gone from my sakura trees. There is no more time for me to enjoy with my juunishi loves. And you are the last.
Are you going to miss me? Of everyone, I think... No, Ihope that you will miss me the most.
You cried my tears when I could not, and you now find peace where I may not. You care about me. But caring can be misleading, only hiding another, darker emotion.
That has been a terrible thought, worming its way into my mind. All of you could merely pity me. You might tolerate me because you know I will never change and don't know better.
I will never change…but all of you have changed around me.
To the silent room, I say, "I love you, Kisa."