Disclaimer: you know what's not mine…
"When I first met you, I was afraid to talk to you. Now that I talked to you, I'm afraid to hold you. Now that I held you, I'm afraid to love you. Now that I love you, I'm afraid to lose you…"
Doubts and Fears
-empresslynx-
December 20…Night…Staring into empty space…
That's what he was doing for almost an hour now. Rei was still wide-awake albeit he'd been up late at night watching a late, late night show and lying on his bed.
He wasn't alone though. Cuddled beside him like a little girl was Aya. She was now sleeping deeply, tired from the little late night show they'd watched together.
Yes, they were living on the same house. Aya's parents had to leave her for business somewhere round the globe. They entrusted their only child to Rei, in change of the free shelter, food and tuition fee, and mind you they greatly trust him.
Anyway, Rei was staring again on God-knows-what, nothing in particular when suddenly Aya shifted a little in her sleep and snuggled a little more on her warm pillow, which was Rei. Her head was resting on the crooked of his neck and her hands were snuggled close together resting on his broad chest.
Rei was put off trance, distracted by the sudden motion. He sighed. It's not like he mind it or anything. She wasn't really supposed to be there but then she was asleep even before the show ended and Rei knew how tired she must be after the Christmas shopping they did, decided not to wake her up anymore. He gaze at the little figure nestled so close to him and hid a slight blush.
They had been dating for about months now. He used to go out with her only because of her friends but then it suddenly became more like a habit and soon he got used to it. Now he was taking her out for no particular reason, whatsoever, but the least he knows it surely isn't about their friends anymore.
Rei was feeling warmer, having her huddled so close. But then again, he doesn't mind any of it. It was probably freezing cold outside and being that warm was kind of a soothing feeling.
It was almost Christmas. Everyone knows. They could feel it. They could smell it. They could see it. And if he was counting it downright, it is suppose to be their first Christmas together.
December 21…Day…Aya shifted again, feeling a little cooler. She opened one eye sleepily and searched for the blanket to warm her self. She pulled it over her and disappeared in its depths.
Try as she might to get another sleep, Rei's alarm clock suddenly rang loudly.
She groaned lowly, irritated by the wake up call. 'Who would want to get up this early when it's so cold and classes are actually out…' she thought. Though refusing to get up, Aya finally slid out of the sheets and reached to turn off Rei's alarm. She squinted her eyes a little, adjusting to the light. Then realization dawned to her. This wasn't her room.
She quickly sat up and looked around. 'Must have slept last night' she told herself.
She rubbed her eyes to get a clearer view from her blurry sight. She finally realized that this must be Rei's room but then when she looked around again he wasn't anywhere.
" Weird. He isn't usually an early raiser…" she giggled at the thought and decided to get off of bed.
After fixing his bed, Aya went downstairs only to find an equally empty living room. Not that empty really, their shopping bags were still scattered everywhere on the couch. They did Christmas shopping yesterday and in which she even found this golden heart-shaped necklace she adored a lot. Only thing is, it worth more than her three months allowance put together. She rather have the money to buy him a gift and save the rest. And settled for an unlimited edition CD instead, which was her gift to him.
She sighed dismissing the thought and directly went to the kitchen for a fresh day starter.
December 21… Night…Aya sat by herself on the floor on their living room still alone. He had been away the whole day without even telling her where he was. She was starting to get worried really.
Aya lifted her head from the photo album she had been doing to entertain herself to meet the clock hanging on the wall telling her it was eleven in the evening again. She yawned tiredly and rubbed her eyes realizing she had been staying late again.
Her head felt heavy and she decided that she was indeed getting sleepy. " Where are you, Rei…?" she sighed worriedly.
And then as if on cue, a familiar motor roared to a halt outside. She found herself gravely wishing it was he and cast her gaze hopefully at the door.
Finally it creaked open and in came Rei who seem not to notice her sitting there, watching him with relief.
She hurriedly got up and ran to his side. "Rei…" she greeted.
At last Rei looked up and found her, he was a little shocked to find her still up and standing there before him. " er… You're still up…?" he muttered, his voice giving out his tired state.
Aya only smiled at her reply. She doesn't mind if it was late. She was more than willing to wait for him any time. "Have you eaten, Rei? I have dinner covered." She said in a gleeful tone. Unlike his, she was completely able to ease all tiredness in the tone. She doesn't want him to worry about her.
Rei gave a faint smile and shook his head. "No. I think I'll pass, Aya. I'm off to bed. Goodnight." He answered dismissively. He placed a hand on her temple, the way you might try and ruffle a kid's hair, before heading straight to bed.
Her smile weakened a little. She wasn't expecting that but she understand that he must be feeling so exhausted. She was just worried for him.
Aya sighed and she whispered back while watching his figure disappear in the dark, "Goodnight…",
December 22… Day…Aya woke up by the sound of the alarm clock again, though this time she was more than willing to be woken up. She rubbed her eyes, getting rid of the early blur and hastily got off her bed.
She didn't even bother to fix her bed first and decided to make her way downstairs as quickly as possible, even almost tripping over her blanket in the process. She didn't mind if she was walking around wearing PJ's. All she minded, bothered, was to see him …but then…
Aya came panting downstairs and nearly collapsed at the living room couch when she got there. She sighed heavily and a little put off, finding the house as empty as yesterday.
'Where are you, Rei?' she thought worriedly. It wasn't really the type of him to get up of bed earlier than everyone else and be gone the whole day.
Aya was starting to feel a tinge of fear stir around her. They've been dating for almost months now, and she knows that most of the times, he'd only ask her out because their friends insisted or something. Heck, she was just even his girlfriend only because their friends pushed them together. What if, he'd had enough of the play and now decided to leave? What if, he's going out trying to find real life… trying to find someone who is REALLY his type and not just someone who had been shoved and forced on him? What if…
There are to many things, countless reasons. It could be anything. And Aya just doesn't know which to believe, probably because she doesn't want to believe on anything. She's scared of finding out the reason. It may be too much for her heart to contain.
Nothing's clear and nothing's proven right. Only Rei, and he alone, know what's going on. And unfortunately, Aya has to wait in fear till time comes and he decided to share this little secret, whether it's good or bad.
Aya shook her head lightly dismissing the thought. Only time could tell and she'll have to wait. Maybe on the road, she might get some things straight but for now, it was better to be that way. She has things ahead of her, lying, waiting for her too.
December 22… Night…She had been waiting the whole day again, completely clueless with the reality of his absence, just like yesterday. Aya was once more sitting on their living room alone, doing what look like their gang photo album yet again.
It was a little earlier than the other day though, the only thing that made the difference. The familiar roaring of the motorbike came and halted unmistakably in front of their house.
Aya nearly leaped from surprise. "At least he is back early" and that was enough to soothe her troubling thoughts.
Aya ran to the door to welcome Rei. And a little time later the door finally creaked open. "Hi, Rei…" she greeted with a warm smile. Rei didn't return the warm welcome however, but then, it doesn't matter. He was always like that to everyone else and she was completely, perfectly used to it. He was looking rather worn-out and it only makes her feel a stronger urge to tend to him. She'll never get tired of watching over him. In fact she doesn't mind at all, no matter what. It is because it was the only way she could show him she cares without getting that indifferent look from him he gives to his fan girls.
"You must be tired, Rei?" She said in a caring tone "I haven't eaten yet. Care to join me? I'll just get the dishes ready, ok? I'll call on you. It won't be long." Aya was about to get to the kitchen to prepare but then Rei pulled her hand back to make her face him again just when she had turned her back to willingly do her duties of attending to him.
"Sorry, Aya, but I can't…' Rei simply answered lowly in an impassive manner. Aya tilted her head to the side, inquiringly, a little. A frown was visibly put on, where her smile used to be. It was evident, try as she might to hide it, that she was feeling disappointed.
"Aya, please try to understand. I've got work." Rei explained, after seeing her saddened look.
Aya averted her gaze from him and sorted out her feelings. She was suppose to be the understanding one, she always is. Why had she shown him her other side? It will only make him feel something's bothering her. She doesn't want him to worry that was the least she wanted. She has to set aside her desires to be with him and comprehend that it was his thing to do.
She closed her eyes and shook her head, gave him a smile that told him she understands. Rei stared at her for a moment, his face as blank as ever. Aya gave out a pout and blushing a little from the way he looks at her. And he unexpectedly smiled back gently at the gesture and reached out to caress her kind face. She blushed even more at his action.
With one swift move, Rei was off and was upstairs searching for what he came home for. He found it within moments and was back down with her again.
Rei opened the door and was about to leave again. Aya was just restraining herself, not to hold him back but then failing miserably. "Rei…" she called out and just as before Rei could disappear from the door, he gazed back around at the couch where she was sitting watching his every move. She stared unreadable at him for a while until she got tired of the play and sighed. She just can't do it. Aya smiled at him and whispered. "Taake care, ok?" Rei nodded in understanding.
She said her goodbye before his figure completely left their house, before Rei completely leave her again. Not only literally, but also leaving her pondering on every thoughts, analyzing every words, reading between the lines and understanding everything.
She could only wait for that day he finally decides to make things clear. And until that day, she has to patiently wait and hold on to her faith.
December 23… Day…The moment she opened her eyes after the alarm went off, Aya knew what was waiting for her. She stood up lazily from her bed and mustered all the strength she could to stand only to find that emptiness in their home again.
Aya sighed deeply and sank back to the living room couch; gravely wishing she knew what was happening. She stared into bare space thinking again of the fear growing inside her every second.
All thoughts were coming back; the countless 'what ifs' are more terrible; the sad feeling was greater; and the fear she had before of being rejected and being left out was wholly returning to her.
She was near crying again, something she had done last a long time ago, back when he wasn't still there with her. And only became aware of the tear building up when finally the first drops fell from her gentle face.
Aya hurriedly wiped her tears and smiled to herself. 'I mustn't think of him this way… I knew this time would come even before it started,' she thought, '… I know he wasn't and will never be mine.'
She sighed deeply again, only sadder than the first one, and at long last managed to stand from her place in the couch.
She walked to the other side of the room and to the end table holding the phone. She wasn't conscious until only she found herself standing there, holding the ringing phone in her trembling hand and waiting for him to answer. She gasped at the thought and wanted to dismiss it but just as then his voice suddenly overtook the tone.
"uhm… ah…" she stuttered on the line completely devoid of things to say. She wasn't thinking of this. She didn't plan it. Maybe she was thinking of it but it was only on her thoughts lately, the thought of finally asking him himself about the weird things recently, and was surprise when imagination crashed down her reality.
"Aya…?" Rei's gentle voice called out recognizing hers. Aya, in turn, bit her lips and shut her eyes, no, there was no turning back. "I… uhm… ah…"
"Are you alright?" he's voice sounding impatient and in a hurry. It made her wince and think twice about it again.
There was a long tensed pause between two lines. Aya was muttering fretfully to herself and Rei, on the other hand, waiting edgy on her. He was right in the middle of a heated conversation and doesn't want to be disturbed. After all, he should win whatever that stuff was and so he had to be quick with it.
"Aya…" he said ending the period of silence and also her anxious thoughts, "I need to… work… I know you understand. I'll call you back when I find time, ok?"
"No, wait! Rei… I've got something to ask you." She stammered nervously. She hasn't got that much time and spilled out the first thing that crossed her mind, she was deeply wishing to clear out everything. "I mean, I've been only wondering if you- I mean, it's not that I don't want to but, you've been to busy lately and I was just hoping you could tell-" Aya snapped back to reality, mentally slapping herself for ever daring. He might despise her more, after this. He might even think that she's snooping on his business. He might- 'I shouldn't have!' she concluded, scolding her self for the action.
"Aya…?" Rei asked perplexed with the sudden cut off but Aya decided she was pushing her luck. She shook her head lightly, thinking she was going too far. "Never mind, Rei…" there was a change in her tone, incomprehensible and blank. She finally ended the call and left him hanging.
Aya slapped herself after that. Hoping he hadn't figured anything out. 'Be patient, you dolt, you might be pushing him even more away…' she thought and hit her self again.
And the rest of the day wasn't of much difference…
December 23… Night…She was sitting alone again doing their album in the living room. She was refusing to talk to her self, still feeling guilt with what she dared on.
She was trying furiously to remove a picture that was pasted on the wrong place and finding hard time with it. With one last try; she tried pulling it out with great force but failing miserably and only ending up toppling the neat pile of photos beside her.
Aya scowled at how clumsy she can get and lazily crouched down to pick them all up.
She arranged them back to the neat pile they once was and counting them too, only to find one missing. She ducked down again, searched for the lost one, and finally finding the missing it under the couch. She reached under it with a hand and soon got hold of the runaway picture.
She was about to give it back with the others but then suddenly stopped. She stared at the picture and realized what of their memories it held.
It was a picture of Rei and her, the first one they got since after they started going out. It was his only picture with her not showing his grumpy side. Aya smiled at the thought, remembering how fun that day at the amusement park was. And found her self, staring at it so deeply.
Suddenly idea struck her again. Trusting her self with it this time, Aya stood up from her place and searched for a pen on her bag. She easily found one and resumed her seat beside the living room coffee table.
She placed the picture on the table and the pen on her hand hovering above, as if signing an autograph on it. She thought deeply of whatever to write and finally decided on the first one that slipped her mind.
Once she was finished, she put the pen back down and stared thoughtfully at her work.
Aya could only sigh, wishing it was that easy to ask him about it. She was hoping it was that easy to tell him. And soon found her self also wishing everything was that clear. She felt that once before familiar feeling of being on the edge of breaking down, but just as soon, dismissed the thought, shaking her head lightly, telling herself not to go that road again.
She paused for a while, yawning in betweens. She looked up and found that she was yet again up so late.
He wasn't still back home and she was feeling worried that he was still out, later than he'd ever been. Aya was feeling so helpless without even any help from anything. This alone was making her so miserable.
She wasn't going to sleep on him though, it was the only thing she could do, wait for him, and she isn't going to fail that one too. But then she gave out another yawn and her eyes were becoming too weary to open up.
Aya finally gave up and climbed on the couch. She lied there and decided it won't hurt to take a nap and wake up once his around. And even before she knew it, she was off to sleep.
It was nearly morning when he came home feeling a lot more exhausted than the other nights. Rei went inside the house and was about to go directly to bed, ignoring once again dinner, when he heard her sleeping form close behind.
Rei turned around from his place on the stairs and found her cuddled on the couch. Her shoulders were rising and falling irregularly and her angelic face was wet with tears falling out from her closed eyes. She was even making soft sobbing sounds that he could hardly hear.
Rei drew closer and knelt down before her. He decided to arrange the things she got on the table for the night for her.
And that was when he saw it. Lying away from the rest, hidden beneath the black pen she always carries on her bag.
It wasn't what the picture reminded him of that caught him, but what her neat cursive handwriting wrote down.
'Rei…I wish you would tell me what's wrong. –Aya'
He read on his head and soon found like it was engraved on his mind. Rei stared deeply at it for a while, the words hitting him hard. He felt his heart constrict painfully with an unknown feeling. 'She doesn't deserve this…'
He shifted his gaze on her tear-stained face and looked at her uneasily, who knows what he was thinking… He reached out a hand to her tried to try and dry her tears. His hand lingered comfortably on her soft figure for a moment, tenderly caressing her cheek. "I didn't mean to…" he whispered gently to her.
He remained like that for a while, just staring at her, stroking the soft side of her face, trying so hard to stop the tears from falling down from her, and thinking deeply of the feeling brewing inside.
Finally Rei dismissed the thought, he got tired of his potion and sighed. He stood up and turned to see the clock say pass 1 a.m. He sighed again deciding it was about time they both rest. He brought her to his arms and climbed up the stairs, settling for the night.
December 24… Day…This particular morning differs from the others.
Aya woke up to the sound of rumbling and a little loud mutterings. She quickly stood up from bed, glad that he was around. She dashed hurriedly out of her room, not even caring where she'd thrown her blanket. She descended the stairs, happily, excitedly. Aya was about to greet him but then instead…
"You're…you're leaving?" Aya asked with the hint of disappointment in her tone. At that particular moment, she doesn't mind, whatsoever, if it was that other side of her that was taking advantage of the moment. There was a frown on her face and her eyes read unfathomable on them.
Rei looked up from the bag that he was fixing and simply nodded in reply then turn back around as quickly to have some things from the table.
Aya furrowed her brows, feeling more let down. "Rei…" she called unto him, albeit she was feeling that way her voice was cold and devoid from all feeling she had. This made him stop for a while and look back up to her questioningly.
"Tonight's Christmas eve, Rei." She simply reminded him and Rei smiled faintly at this. Then he turned right back around to finish arranging his bag and zip the zipper zipped. He swung his bag on his shoulder and got his keys. Aya was just silently eyeing him after all that time.
Rei stood before the door and gazed one last time back to her. "I know. I promise I'll be home." He said.
"Rei…" her gentle voice finally said though it was as dark as her stare. Rei watched her silently this time, waiting for her to continue. Aya returned the stare, and for a while they were just staring right on each other's eye. She had done this before. And now she'd proven that she just couldn't. She just can't stay mad at him no matter what.
Aya ran down from her place on the stairs and to Rei. She enveloped him in one tight hug as if he'd disappear the moment she let go. She doesn't want him to go. She doesn't him to leave. Aya was only stopping herself from letting her tears fall. She was feeling those fears again as she held him.
Rei stared at him for a while surprised but then his expression change and turned to the cool one he always has.
"Aya, I need to go now." He merely told her. And Aya obediently obeyed, stepping back and letting him off the hug though reluctant. She was still frowning, not wanting to see him leave. She knew she has to resist another day of lonesome feeling.
Rei gave her a soft smile before he opened the door and completely walking out of their house.
December 24… Night…Aya was waiting patiently for him. This was Christmas Eve and was supposed to be their first Christmas together. She would just not let it slip.
She was wearing a black velvet sleeveless dress that reaches only before her knees with a backside ribbon and a red blazer. Her hair was not tied but neatly combed to drape down on her gracefully. She looks so angelic, true, but this angel was not as happy as she wished she were. She was sitting on the couch alone again, waiting for Rei. She was eyeing the clock that was near 12 already for about hours now and was feeling bored and sleepy.
Aya sighed for a while and then resumed what she was doing lately until she felt her eyes closed and she was absentmindedly sleeping.
It wasn't that long when he arrived. He quickly entered panting a little bit and looking tired but on his way had tried and fixed himself for the Christmas Eve. Rei looked up and smiled at the clock. At least the whole rush paid off. He wasn't late for the special night.
He noticed her figure sitting on the couch near the Christmas tree. The lights of the living room were all off except for the Christmas lights which were blinking slowly and giving out a dim glow to the whole place.
He walked right in front of Aya careful not to wake her. He bent down so that his face was leveled down on hers. Through the small fraction of light, he could see her calm, angelic face and was thankful enough of the absence of the tears he'd witnessed yesterday. Rei moved closer and gave her a gentle kiss on the forehead.
Feeling the touch grazing on her, Aya slowly opened her eyes and was just in time to see Rei step back a little giving her space. She blushed hard with the gesture and hastily stood up from her place, unaware of what to do.
"I…uhm…er…You're back…I'm…I'll just set dinner I'll-" Aya tried to make a coherent sentence but was just to daze for the moment. Rei smiled at her uneasiness finding it a little amusing. He doesn't know he always has that effect on her.
Rei realized Aya was finding hard time settling down and finally decided to help her. He slithered his hands on waist and gently pulled her closer to him, burying his face on her shoulder.
Aya's heart beat faster and she was feeling that nervous side again. She was blushing madly by then and had given up the hope of making one intelligent sentence but instead settling for one word. "Rei…" Her voice returning to the usual loving, caring, soft and gentle tone they usually are and Rei smiled at this thought.
"Merry Christmas, Aya." He softly whispered back on her ear, sending shivers down to her spine. She was completely bewitched and totally forgot what time it was. She looked up and found exactly 12 on the clock. Aya smiled and comfortably buried herself on his chest, relaxing on his touch. "Merry Christmas, Rei" she answered.
They stayed like that for a while until Rei finally decided to break the comfortable silence between them. "I have something for you…" he said and stepped back to pull something from his pockets. Aya stood before him, her head tilted on one side questioningly.
Soon, he had dug out a small red box and rested it on his palm, gesturing for her to take. She took the box, pulled out the pink ribbon and opened the lid. Aya gasped lightly when she saw what was inside. She looked up at Rei wide-eyed. "Oh Rei, this must have worth a-" But Rei silenced her with hisfinger on her lips. He shook his head lightly and then whispered, "It doesn't matter…"
She was stunned for a moment; too bemuse to move. Rei seized the moment and took the necklace from her hand. He reached behind her and placed the golden heart-shaped necklace on her.
Aya felt the heart-shaped gold on her neck with a hand, running her fingers on the fine ornament and staring at it lovingly, almost unbelievingly. She flipped thependant and engraved on it were the words:
Always, Rei
She had herother hand clasped on her lips. Her eyes were growing teary by the moment. She never felt so happy before. She had never felt such glorious feeling.
Rei smiled at her image. He felt so good he was the one causing that happiness on her. It was enough to make up for those nights he'd have to stop himself from putting herout of misery and revealing to her this secret. He tipped her chin up with a finger and stared affectionately on her eyes. Those orb gazing with equal fondness on them.
He went closer and soon his lips were pressed softly on hers. Aya closed her eyes, letting the feeling wash over her. It was the sweetest feeling she had ever felt and no one else could make her feel this way except Rei and him alone. Their lips felt gentle and soft and perfect like it was really meant for each other.
After a while, they finally broke the kiss but neither of them wants to break the close proximity.
Rei gazed at her lovingly again and gave her another peck on the forehead, whispering the words he'd been longing to say.
…I love you…