Realizing that he had hit an innocent bystander, Kenshin rushed outside, leaping nimbly through the hole that Eiken's fat butt had knocked in the wall. He looked around, groaning when he saw how dark it had gotten outside. Even with the light shining from the building into the surrounding woods, he couldn't see well enough to find who he had crushed with the moron's flying form.
"Why me, de gozaru ka?" he muttered. A weakened voice sounded from the darkness in response, wobbling slightly as though in pain.
"Da?"
"Oro?"
"Da!"
Perking up, Kenshin jogged easily into the darkness towards where he thought he had heard the voice. Not entirely sure of his bearings, he called out again.
"Oro!"
"Da!"
Kenshin took another few steps into the gloom, frowning when he almost tripped over a mass of branches that had been knocked free from their respective trees as a flying hunk of lard had shot past at mach speed.
"Where are you, de gozaru ka?" Kenshin called out, certain that he was close to his target. The answer came from a few feet to his left and he spun to face its source.
"Here, na no da."
A loud groan escaped from Kenshin's lips when he got a look at the prone figure by the pale light of the stars. It was bad enough that he had hit a bystander. To top it off, he had managed to crush a monk with the bloated whale carcass.
Finally, the gears in Kenshin's puffy-haired head kicked into action. He hesitated before pulling the reeking boar's ass off of the dazed blue-haired man.
"You're a monk, de gozaru," he said in an accusing tone.
"Hai, na no da," he wheezed, shoving ineffectively at the vodka-soaked lard lump resting on him, still unconscious. He flopped back, panting. "Can you get him off me, no da?"
"Why would a monk be wandering around in the woods after dark? Especially this close to a bandit hideout?"
Before the blue-haired monk could open his mouth, Kenshin's violet eyes narrowed. He grabbed Eiken's beer-stained shirt and heaved the man off of the crushed figure beneath him, who gaped up at him in confusion.
"Don't you want an explanation, no da?" he asked, looking baffled. Kenshin offered him a bubble-headed grin and shook his head.
"Where's the kanji, de gozaru ka?" he asked, violet eyes sparkling in the dim light.
"Da," he acceded in understanding. Chuckling softly, he grasped the material of his loose pants at the ankle and pulled it up, exposing his right knee. A blood red kanji flared brightly.
"Thought so, de gozaru," Kenshin smirked.
"I would have helped you sooner, but you seemed to have things under control, no da," the monk offered, smiling in return. "By the way, I'm Chichiri, no da."
"Kenshin Himura, de gozaru."
"I'm glad that I've finally found you," Chichiri said. "I was sent to protect Suzaku's chosen, no da." He appeared to be studying Kenshin, but the swordsman was unable to tell. The monk's eyes seemed to be permanently closed. "I was expecting a priestess, no da. Not a priest."
"You… you're the first one to get my gender right, de gozaru!" Kenshin exclaimed, violet eyes widening until they threatened to take up most of his face. He got the impression that Chichiri blinked at him, but his eyes never moved. Chichiri did, however, turn red.
"Well, you're rather…" Chichiri trailed off, motioning helplessly with his hands. "Lacking in endowments for a woman, no da." He blushed more fiercely, ducking his head. Kenshin grinned.
"Just don't tell Tasuki," he pleaded, violet eyes glittering with mischief. "He's the only one who doesn't know yet, de gozaru."
"I see," Chichiri responded, nodding thoughtfully. His mouth quirked in amusement. "You seem to enjoy teasing him, no da."
"Hai, de gozaru," Kenshin acknowledged. "If you want in on the fun, there is something that we could do together, de gozaru."
"Da?"
"Oro."
"Da," Chichiri answered, understanding blooming across his face. "But I must know one thing, na no da."
"Oro?"
"De gozaru, no da?"
"No da, de gozaru?" Kenshin countered.
"Oro, na no da?" Chichiri asked, his voice quivering with amusement. Kenshin's eyes lit up with unholy glee.
"Na no gozaru," he said firmly, hard-pressed to keep a straight face as he began slurring the phrases together. A bark of laughter escaped Chichiri.
"De no gozaru da!"
They laughed like loons for several minutes before they began to pull themselves together.
"Shall we rejoin the others while we can still speak, de gozaru ka?" Kenshin asked, interrupting the banter.
"Hai, no da," Chichiri managed.
Still laughing, they managed to tie up the fat buffoon with strips of cloth taken from his own shirt. Together, they began lugging him back towards the main building. They had almost made it back before a worried voice broke out into the night.
"Kenshin? Are you out there? Are you okay?"
"Nuriko," Kenshin muttered under his breath to Chichiri. From far to their right came the second call.
"Kenshin?" Tasuki's voice rang out. "Hey Kenshin! You still alive?"
"Tasuki," Kenshin supplied softly. Chichiri just nodded.
"Hey lady! Where're ya?"
"Koji," Kenshin breathed. "He doesn't know either, de gozaru."
"I figured as much, no da," Chichiri panted. "Hey, can we call them? This guy's heavy, no da."
"Sure," Kenshin murmured, eyes glinting. He raised his voice to be heard by his comrades. "Oro?"
Immediately, Tasuki was at his side, followed shortly by Koji. Nuriko arrived a few seconds later. Taking in the situation, the crossdresser hefted the fat-ass over his shoulders and headed back towards the main compound. Tasuki, Koji and Chichiri openly gaped. Kenshin just smirked and feigned innocence.
Ignoring the questions from his friends, Kenshin started walking after Nuriko. He had to bite his lip when they began discussing the current situation, Chichiri stumbling slightly over his own words as he desperately attempted to remember not to let on that he knew that Kenshin was a man. Kenshin wisely stayed out of the conversation.
Koji excused himself, explaining that he had to get things ready to lock up Eiken. After only hearing bits and pieces of the conversation, Kenshin understood that leadership of the Mt. Reikaku bandits had been transferred to Koji until Tasuki's return. Curious, Kenshin tuned back in to the conversation already in progress, having to immediately bite his tongue to keep from making a noise at what he heard.
"If you're not interested in her, why are you here?"
"I was sent to protect Suzaku's pr… uh… chosen."
"You tellin' me that you don't find her sexy?"
"Not in the slightest," Chichiri said, barely managing to keep his voice level. "I have no interest along those lines."
"What? You sayin' that you're gay?" Tasuki demanded.
Kenshin choked on his tongue. Behind him, he could almost feel Chichiri going into a violent seizure as he struggled to find a suitable answer.
"It is wrong for a monk to take interest," he supplied, somehow managing to maintain a dignified expression.
"I've seen monks take interest," Kenshin whispered, careful to only allow Chichiri to hear. The blue-haired man stuck out his tongue.
"Is that a promise or a threat?" Kenshin teased quietly.
"Whichever Tasuki wants it to be," Chichiri countered, reddening slightly. They both had to stifle chuckles. Tasuki, completely lost due to his inability to hear the conversation, stared at them like an idiot.
Hotohori and Tamahome arrived, ceasing the conversation. In the distance, Nuriko unloaded his unconscious passenger over to three sets of waiting hands. Immediately, the three men taking Eiken were squashed. Pretending not to notice, Nuriko turned and trotted back towards the cluster of seishi around Kenshin. Hotohori waited tersely for him to arrive before he began his string of questions.
"Who is that?" he asked stiffly, barely containing his impatience as he pointed at Chichiri. The monk just offered a harmless look, trying not to grin like an airhead.
"I am Chichiri, no da," he said, finally giving in and smiling widely. Foreseeing the upcoming line of questions, he continued amiably. "I am a Suzaku seishi, na no da."
"No da?" Tasuki repeated.
"Da," Chichiri confirmed. Nuriko's rose-colored eyes became huge.
"Oh no," the crossdresser moaned. "Not another one!"
"Another what, de gozaru ka?" Kenshin interjected innocently.
"Is something wrong? You look upset, na no da."
Tamahome groaned. Nuriko looked ready to strangle someone. Tasuki seemed torn between laughing hysterically and throwing something heavy. The latter urge seemed to be growing in force as he tightened his grip on something over his shoulder. Kenshin glanced at it curiously, blinking when he noticed that Tasuki had the huge metal fan that Eiken had been using. He concluded that the lard ball must have dropped it when he was thrown through the wall and the fanged redhead must have collected it before beginning his search. He made a quick mental note to be far away when the walking hormone of a teenager decided to use it. The business end of the fan was fairly obnoxious.
Hotohori interrupted an impending melee by simply redirecting everyone's attention to a different subject.
"Chichiri," he began, waiting until the monk turned his head to face him. He paused mid sentence, staring at the blue-haired man's apparently closed eyes. Putting the thought aside for questioning later, he continued. "You're a monk, aren't you?"
"Hai, no da."
"Could you contact Taiitsu-kun? We need to speak with…"
Hotohori trailed off again, this time staring at Chichiri's face. A large gash ran the length of his cheek, a fold of skin hanging limply along his jaw. Strangely, there was no blood. Tasuki saw this at the same time.
"What happened to your face?" Tasuki asked bluntly.
"Why didn't you inform us you were injured?" Hotohori spoke over the redhead, attempting to retain some tact.
Chichiri reached up and fingered the loose skin on the side of his face for a moment before grinning and flapping one hand at them dismissively.
"It's no problem, na no da," he said cheerily. "I have another!"
With that, he yanked off a facemask, revealing an identical one beneath, that one unmarred by the blow that had shredded the first. Quickly surveying reactions, he whipped the old mask straight at Tamahome, who promptly yelped and fell on his backside to avoid being touched.
"That is just wrong," Nuriko muttered, shaking his head.
"Well," Kenshin interrupted, distracting attention from Chichiri before blood could be spilt. "Shall we contact Taiitsu-kun, de gozaru ka?"
"Hai, no da."
To Be Continued…
Sorry. I just couldn't resist doing my own version of Marco Polo between the two psychos. And no, you haven't seen the last of the 'de gozaru – no da' wars. I will run that one into the ground because it's just too much fun.
Sorry about the delay. Lots of stuff has been happening. Including me breaking my computer while moving. Oh, and as of two days ago, I have a new kitten. Little blood-sucking she-demon, who we now call Ryoko, has decided that my hand is the perfect chew toy. Typing with bandages is slow going. I swear, she's a Tasmanian devil in disguise.
R&R!!