Chapter 3: Road to Riften

"Are you sure that you sent a courier to reserve a spot at the inn?" Lost-In-The-Forest asked.

"Yes, I did," Sparcticus replied, "Now stop asking!"

"Good. I will be relieved to find the reservations set in the name of Lost-In-The-Forest." The Argonian said with a sigh.

"That isn't the name I reserved the rooms in." the Dremora said with a smirk.

"Oh? What name did you use this time?" the mage asked. "Incontinentus Buttocks?"

"Don't be stupid, Mortal." Sparkticus replied, "I said that I wouldn't reserve rooms in that name again."

"Good." Lost-In-The-Forest said before asking, "Which one of your aliases did you use?"

A wicked grin appeared on the Dremora's face. Lost-In-The-Forest somehow knew that this would not be good. Without hesitating at all, Sparkticus replied, "Biggus Dickus."

Lost-In-The-Forest managed to hold back a snicker. Instead, she rolled her yellow eyes and said, "You're terrible."

For a while, the two travellers continued following the road. Twice, they were accosted by bandits. Sparkticus dispatched most of them. Lost-In-The-Forest took out the rest with a conjured blade. As she dismissed her blade, the Argonian couldn't help but comment. "You know, for a Dremora, you're really sarcastic."

"I am a master of the sharp blade." Sparkticus replied. "It only makes sense for my wit to be just as sharp."

"Yes, but you strangled one of them and ripped off another's manhood so he would bleed to death." Lost-In-The-Forest deadpanned.

"You said that I could kill them in any manner I saw fit." the Dremora said.

"Except raping someone to death." Lost-In-The-Forest corrected. "That is where I draw the line."

"The fact that the concept of raping someone to death even occurred to you proves that you are, at heart, ruthless." Sparkticus commented.

"I'm not sure whether I should be flattered or offended." the Argonian sighed.

"Take it as you will." Sparkticus said.

"Don't make me regret it." Lost-In-The-Forest said.

"Admit it." the Dremora said insistantly. "The variety of ways in which I kill enemies entertains you."

"You're insane." the Argonian replied.

"You're the one who chose to travel with a Dremora." Sparkticus said with a shrug.

"My threat to make you look like a Bosmer still stands." Lost-In-The-Forest threatened her companion.

"I know you, mortal." the Dremora said with a smirk. "You are going to change your mind the moment we arrive and use your illusions to make me look like an Imperial instead."

"An Imperial named Biggus Dickus." Lost-In-The-Forest said with a raised brow ridge. "What's next? Nastius Maximus?"

The smirk never leaving his face, Sparkticus said, "Who's terrible now?"

"Any words of advice, oh wise Dremora?" Lost-In-The-Forest snarked. "Perhaps something about your infinite sarcasm?"

"Well, life's a piece of shit when you look at it." said Dremora replied. "Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true. You'll see it's all a show, keep 'em laughing as you go. Just remember that the last laugh is on you. And always look on the bright side of life."

"You just pulled that out of your ass, didn't you?" Lost-In-The-Forest accused. "That sounds nothing like well-thought-out advice."

"You know me well, Mortal." Sparkticus said. "You know me well."

"Are we there yet?" the Dremora said out of nowhere

"Shut up, Sparkticus. You know that we're not there." Lost-In-The-Forest replied

"Are we there yet?" Sparkticus asked again.

"No, we are not there yet." the Argonian said once more.

"Are we-"

Lost-In-The-Forest stopped where she stood, turned around, placed her hands on her full, voluptuous hips and said, "You're doing this just to mess with me, now cut it out."

Sparkticus smirked and folded his arms across his broad, armored chest. He let out a smooth, dark chuckle and said, "Have we not established over the course of our association, Mortal, that I enjoy toying with you?"

"You don't need to be so childish." Lost-In-The-Forest replied. "It's just... it just sounds wrong to hear the phrase 'are we there yet' coming from the lips of a Dremora."

"Many things about me could be interperated by your society as 'wrong'." Sparkticus said. "The same could be applied to you."

"I suppose so." Lost-In-The-Forest said with a sigh. She then started walking again. Sparkticus, as always, followed her.

"I have no shame for what I do." the Dremora said. "I delight in battle. I relish the dying screams of my enemies. I enjoy spilling blood."

"I know this already." Lost-In-The-Forest said. "Why are you saying this again? We've already established that. It's the way you are. You're a Dremora."

"I am what I am, Mortal, but we are not just what we are. Power changes things, as you know very well, mage."

"I suppose power does that. Power is what led to my summoning you and the beginning of our association." the Argonian said. "You're a Daedra with exceptional combat skills and a mighty blade. I'm an Argonian who has gained power through hard work and being exceptionally clever."

"Yet you do not fear this power like some Mortals do." the Dremora commented. "As you should, you have made this power your own. Ruthlessness is the key."

"No, I would say that cleverness is." Lost-In-The-Forest argued. "There is a saying: knowledge is power."

"You summon a sword to battle alongside a Dremora. Ruthlessness." Sparkticus retorted.

"It's funny." Lost-In-The-Forest commented. "The daughter of a florist, out in the middle of Skyrim, discussing power with a Daedra."

The two walked in silence for a while. It seemed to go on for about ten minutes before Sparkticus spoke up. "Mortal."

"What is it?" the mage asked.

A wicked smile appeared on the Dremora's dark lips as he asked, "Are we there yet?"

'

The duo continued to travel quietly when, out of the blue, Sparkticus asked, "What is the deal with Mortals and masturbation?"

Lost-In-The-Forest did a double-take. "I beg your pardon?"

"Nords do it often enough, Khajiit do it constantly, and Altmer seem to abhor doing it at all." Sparkticus elaborated.

"Where did this come from?" the Argonian mage asked. "And how do you know all this?"

Lost-In-The-Forest paused a moment and added, "Do I even want to know?"

"You did not ask my question, Mortal." Sparkticus said with a frown.

"I'm not really sure." Lost-In-The-Forest admitted. "I'm especially befuddled about what you revealed to me about High Elves. I don't know. Maybe they believe that every sperm is sacred, that every sperm is great? That when a sperm is wasted, some god or another gets quite irate?"

"One would think that your gods would have better things to do than to watch you," he paused to come up with an appropriate euphemism, "slap the salmon."

Lost-In-The-Forest was unable to suppress a snicker as she said, "I haven't heard that one before."

"I'm sure that the annoying preacher from Whiterun would have something to say about this conversation." Sparkticus said with a smirk.

Lost-In-The-Forest frowned thoughtfully for a moment before snapping her fingers and saying, "I've got it."

The Dremora cocked his head quizically. The Argonian, doing her best immitation of Heimskr, belted out, "Ceiling Talos watches you masturbate!"

This time, both of them laughed.

They had been travelling for quite some time, but they still weren't close to Riften. They were a bit leery of entering eastern Skyrim, though. The Nords there weren't exactly fond of Argonians. Lost-In-The-Forest let out a sigh. This was quite annoying. After a while, she felt the familiar sensation in her lower abdomen indicating a full bladder. "I have to go pee." Lost-In-The-Forest said. "Keep an ear out for wild animals."

"Sure, sure." Sparkticus said. "Make like a bear and piss in the woods."

Lost-In-The-Forest glared at the Dremora and headed off into the bushes. She lowered her pants and lifted up her conjurer's robes as she squatted down to do her business. As she emptied her bladder, the Argonian let out a relieved sigh. Just as she had finished up, she heard a twig snap. She immediately turned around to see a Stormcloak patrol. Lost-In-The-Forest quickly left the wooded area and headed back to the road to see Sparkticus. The Dremora lifted a brow and asked, "What it that disturbs you this time, Mortal?"

"Stormcloaks." Lost-In-The-Forest said "They almost caught me with my pants down. Literally."

"Can I kill them?" Sparkticus asked "You said that I could kill our enemies in any way I see fit."

"They're not our enemies." the mage said. "Well, they kind of are, but killing this patrol wouldn't accomplish anything."

As she said this, the Stormcloaks exited the wooded area. They immediately looked down on the Argonian. Of course, that wasn't hard, considering that she was five feet and two inches in height. The Argonian and the Dremora were about to walk away when one of the Stormcloaks said, "Halt!"

The two travellers turned around. The Stormcloak soldier took a quick look at the two and said, "They're not Imperials. It's just some lizard and her pet."

Sparkticus leaned towards Lost-In-The-Forest's ear and whispered, "Can I kill them?"

"No!" Lost-In-The-Forest hissed.

"Where are you going, Argonian?" One of them asked.

"Riften." Lost-In-The-Forest said. "Just visiting a friend."

It was then that the Argonian noticed that the Stormcloak soldier speaking to her didn't seem to be looking at her face. He seemed to be staring at her admittedly very large breasts. "Hey!" Lost-In-The-Forest snapped. "My face is up here!"

Not missing a beat, the Stormcloak soldier replied, "All the better reason not to look at it."

The Argonian glared at the Stormcloaks for a moment before turning to the Dremora and saying, "Okay, now you can kill them."

As the two travellers finished dragging the rebels' bodies into the bushes, Sparkticus couldn't help but comment. He chuckled and said, "And you said that you weren't ruthless."

Lost-In-The-Forest raised a brow ridge. "Pardon?"

With the last corpse well-hidden, the Dremora stood up straight. He then clarified, "Just minutes ago, you ordered me to kill three Nords in cold blood because one of them was ogling your chest."

"I didn't order you to kill them." Lost-In-The-Forest retorted, "You asked to kill them and I gave you permission. It's a completely different thing."

"The fact remains that you used me to kill someone who offended you. Admit it, Mortal: you're more ruthless than you think you are." Sparkticus said with a smirk.

"I kill because I have to, not because I enjoy it." the Argonian argued.

Sparkticus grinned wickedly and leaned in until they were face to face. Considering her petite size and his great height, he had to practically bend over. The Dremora's deep voice was as smooth as silk as he said, "Are you trying to convince me, Lost-In-The-Forest," He'd used her name. How bizarre! As he said her name, he enunciated every word. "or are you trying to convince yourself?"

The mage met the Dremora's gaze unflinchingly. This staring contest went on for mere moments, though it seemed to stretch on into eternity. Finally, Sparkticus stood up and laughed. It was a booming, wicked laugh. A weaker person might have trembled, but Lost-In-The-Forest stood firm. She was not afraid of him. Both of them were very stubborn. "We are not talking about this." the mage said firmly. "Let's just get back on the road."

For the most part, she treated Sparkticus as an equal. She did not treat him as a mere weapon as some mages did. It wasn't often that she had to pull rank on him, but she certainly wouldn't hesitate to if he kept pushing the issue. Thankfully, the Dremora followed quietly when the Argonian began to walk down the road again.

It always took a long time to get anywhere on foot, but they were finally approaching Riften. Of course, it was still several miles away. In the time since Lost-In-The-Forest had essentially told Sparkticus to shut up, the Dremora hadn't said a word. The silence was starting to grate on the Argonian's nerves. It just didn't seem natural for the smart-mouthed Daedra to be so quiet. She hoped that something might happen soon to make him talk again. Otherwise, she would have to initiate a conversation, and that might be awkward. Lost-In-The-Forest let out a sigh and continued walking. The sooner they got to Riften, the better. They had travelled a long way, too long of a distance just to resupply. The excuse of meeting a friend in Riften wasn't entirely accurate. It was more of a casual acquaintance, at most. Lost-In-The-Forest had business in Riften. She just hadn't told her Dremora minion-turned-companion exactly what that business was. Did he deserve to know? She supposed it was really just her business. She had her own secrets, but she figured that he was bound to find out sooner or later, once her business was concluded. So the two of them continued in silence. After a while, yet again, nature called. Lost-In-The-Forest had to pee. "I have to pee." she said. "Keep an ear out for danger."

The Dremora nodded and the Argonian headed off into the bushes. Once again, she lowered her pants, squatted, and pulled up her robes. She let out a sigh as she relieved herself. When she was done, she wiped herself, stood up, and pulled her pants up. It was then that she heard a familiar growling noise. She was then hit from behind by a swipe of a bear's paw. She did not land in the spot where she relieved herself, but she was close enough to smell it. The dazed, wounded Argonian attempted to summon her bound weapon, but she was too dazed to properly reach into herself to access her magicka. Shit. She was going to die. She was going to be killed by a bear. What a humiliating way to die! Suddenly, she heard something charging into the bushes. A familiar voice bellowed, "Now you suffer!"

Sparkticus! Lost-In-The-Forest was filled with relief. As he swung at the bear, the Dremora shouted, "You will bleed!"

With one final swipe, the bear was slain. Sparkticus sheathed his sword and said, "There could be no other end."

Slowly, the Argonian attempted to get up, but it was diffucult. She looked up and saw a hand presented. She gripped the hand and, with Sparkticus' aid, she stood up. Lost-In-The-Forest took her bag off, reached into it, and pulled out a healing potion. She removed the stopper and quickly downed the liquid. It was not a pleasant taste, but she could feel her wounds closing. No doubt there would be scars, but her robes would cover them. Unfortunately, the back of her robes was somewhat tattered. Still, the fact remained that she owed her life to Sparkticus. She glanced over at him. The look he gave her said it all. She was in charge. She had saved his ass enough times. He was returning the favor. "Thanks." the mage said, dusting off the front of her robes.

Sparkticus looked at her thoughtfully and said, "You are welcome, Mortal."

"Well," Lost-In-The-Forest said, "we'd best get back on the road."

So they did just that.

It was nightfall by the time they arrived at Riften. Out of sight, the Argonian used her illusion magic to make Sparkticus appear to be an Imperial. The guards attempted to swindle them, but a quick statement of Lost-In-The-Forest's suspicions convinced the guards to let them in. As soon as they entered Riften, they recieved a few threats from a stranger. Lost-In-The-Forest acknowledged the threats and continued into the city. They quickly located the inn. Sparkticus walked over to the inkeeper and said, "We have reserved rooms in the name of Biggus Dickus."

The inkeeper eyeballed them and said, "Welcome to Riften, Biggus Dickus."

After they were shown where their rooms were, the two went to there respective beds. Quite tired from their travels, both Dremora and Argonian slept soundly.

In the morning, the two of them purchased some food from the inkeeper and ate a basic breakfast. Now, it was time to play the waiting game. Lost-In-The-Forest's contact said that she would arrive at noon. In the mean time, the Argonian and the Dremora finally decided to talk to each other again. "The food is terrible here." Sparkticus complained.

"It's to be expected." Lost-In-The-Forest replied. "It's not the freshest food, but it's edible."

"I still don't like it." the disguised Dremora said with a frown.

"Oh, quit sulking" Lost-In-The-Forest said.

"My kind do not sulk." Sparkticus snarled.

"You were sulking. I know sulking when I see it." the Argonian said with a shrug.

The disguised Daedra crossed his arms over his chest, frowning. He then looked away from the Argonian. Yep. Definitely sulking. Lost-In-The-Forest tried, unsuccessfully, not to smile. After a few hours of waiting, the mage's contact finally arrived. It was a petite Breton woman in apprentice mage robes. Sparkticus' eyes immediately widened in horror. Not her! Anyone but her! Fortunately, the woman did not recognize him. Even if Lost-In-The-Forest hadn't written her, the Breton would recognize the Argonian from prior encounters. "Monica." Lost-In-The-Forest said evenly.

"Hello, Lost-In-The-Forest!" Monica said with a smile.

"Do you have what I'm looking for?" the Argonian asked.

"Of course I do." the Breton replied. "Do you have the money?"

"Of course I do." Lost-In-The-Forest said. "Two hundred Septims, just as asked."

The conjurer and illusionist set a bag of gold on the table. The less experienced mage reached into the pocket and pulled out a spellbook. She then took the bag of gold and pocketed it. To Lost-In-The-Forest's dismay, the Breton did not leave. "So," Monica inquired, "How is Sparky?"

The Dremora tried not to cringe at the use of the dreaded nickname. Lost-In-The-Forest glanced back at her companion before returning her attention to the conversation. "I wouldn't know." the Argonian lied. "I haven't summoned him in quite some time."

"Oh." Monica said, clearly disappointed. "I suppose this isn't the time or place for you to summon him."

Lost-In-The-Forest nodded. "When I summon him again, I'll tell him you said hi."

A look of utter joy blossomed on Monica's face. Sparkticus' heart filled with dread. To him, this woman who so admired him was incredibly creepy. Whenever she saw him, she would follow him around in an almost stalker-like manner. Encounters with her were one of the few things that the Dremora truly feared. Monica, not even noticing the man who appeared to be an Imperial, entheusiastically shook Lost-In-The-Forest's hand and said, "Thank you so much!"

"You're welcome." the Argonian replied. "It was nice to see you."

"It was nice to see you, too! Take care!" Monica said.

The Breton then turned and left the tavern. As soon as she was gone, Sparkticus let out a relieved sigh. "Once again, Mortal," he said, "I owe you."

"I believe there's an expression: you scratch my back, I scratch yours." Lost-In-The-Forest said with a smile. Between the two of them, there was a great deal of back-scratching. Sparkticus' had saved Lost-In-The-Forest's ass more than she could count. The same applied to the many times the Argonian had saved the Dremora's ass. There was a lot of ass-saving involved.

"So," Sparkticus said as Lost-In-The-Forest read the spellbook, "What sort of spell is this that we have travelled so far for?"

As soon as Lost-In-The-Forest had absorbed the spell, she replied, "Promise you won't laugh."

"I can't make any promises." the Dremora admitted honestly.

The Argonian grimaced and said, "It's a spell that conjures sweetrolls and fires them at enemies. It's supposed to do a lot of damage."

Sparkticus chuckled. That chuckle turned into a laugh. It was deep, pleasant laugh. Lost-In-The-Forest glared at him and said, "Oh, shut up."

The Dremora chuckled once again and said, "As you wish, Mortal."