Chapter 5: Sticky Fingers Part 1
A NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR: I've been asked a few times just how big Lost-In-The-Forest's breasts are. If I had to give a number, I'd say that her bra size is around 36GG. I believe that qualifies as "holy shit".
"So," Sparkticus inquired, "Where are we going this time?"
"Markarth." Lost-In-The-Forest replied. "A friend of mine is studying the architecture there. I'm going to drop in and surprise her."
"Pleasure before business?" the Dremora said with a smirk.
"I think I've earned it." the mage said.
"It's a long walk to Markarth." said Sparkticus.
"That's why we're taking the carriage." Lost-In-The-Forest replied.
"Pity." Sparkticus said with a shrug. "I was looking forward to having fun with the Forsworn."
"We all know what your definition of 'fun' is." Lost-In-The-Forest said.
"Don't deny it." the Dremora said insistantly, "You enjoy some of the same things I do. Music, sex, and slaughter."
"I enjoy a good song and I'm not afraid of fighting, but to say that I enjoy slaughter is a bit excessive." Lost-In-The-Forest replied calmly, "As for the sex, it will never be with you."
"Indeed." Sparkticus said sagely. "That would be highly unprofessional."
"At least we agree on that." the Argonian mage said with a smile.
"Though I would not blame you at all if it is my handsome visage that you envision when you touch yourself." the Dremora said with a wicked grin.
Lost-In-The-Forest glared at Sparkticus and said, "You're terrible."
"I didn't hear you say 'no'." Sparkticus said, still smirking.
"Do I have to say it out loud?" Lost-In-The-Forest asked. "Fine. I, Lost-In-The-Forest, do not think about my minion and companion, Sparkticus, when I touch myself."
A booming laugh erupted from Sparkticus. "I did not expect you to say that out loud, Mortal." the Dremora chuckled. "I believe you, though."
"Not that it matters." Lost-In-The-Forest sighed. "Some people assume that, because they see me with so many men- you in various disguises- that I'm a loose woman."
"Want me to kill them?" Sparkticus asked.
"No, but thanks for the offer." Lost-In-The-Forest said with a smile.
"Any time, Mortal." the Dremora said with an evil-looking grin. "Any time."
After Lost-In-The-Forest made Sparkticus look like a male Redguard, it was proving to be a fairly uneventful ride. Unventful and annoyingly quiet. It was only a matter of time before one of them spoke. "Are we there yet?" Sparkticus asked.
"Not this again!" Lost-In-The-Forest groaned.
Sparkticus let out a wicked laugh. Lost-In-The-Forest grumbled under her breath about childish Daedra. The Dremora continued to laugh. Unbeknownst to the two travellers, the coachman did a full-body shudder at the unnerving sound of the horrible laugh. It was fortunate that it went unnoticed, otherwise Sparkticus would have mocked the man for the entire ride.
"We should have the coachman make a detour to Whiterun." Sparkticus suggested. "I would love to see the preacher's face when you shout, 'Ceiling Talos watches you masturbate'."
"I am not going to shout that." Lost-In-The-Forest said with a frown.
"Fine." Sparkticus said. "I will."
"You'd better not." the Argonian snapped.
The Dremora held his hands up defensively and said, "Fine, fine. I'll just wait until you're drunk. Then one of us will say it."
"You're terrible." Lost-In-The-Forest said with a sigh.
"You have a talent for stating the obvious, Mortal." Sparkticus snarked.
"Oh, shut up." the Argonian groaned.
"-and if I hear about it again, I might put an actual arrow in his knee." Sparkticus finished.
"You don't have any arrows." Lost-In-The-Forest replied. "Or a bow."
"You know that you're sick of it, too." Sparkticus growled.
"Guards are annoying, but they aren't my enemies." Lost-In-The-Forest said sternly. "Therefore, you will not harm them."
"One of these days, one of them will mock you about someone supposedly stealing your sweetroll and you will be tempted to use your sweetroll-flinging spell on them." A still-annoyed Sparkticus said. "This I swear, Mortal."
"Just because I'm tempted to do something doesn't mean that I'll act on it." Lost-In-The-Forest replied. "Contrary to what some might think, I'm a civilized being."
Just as the Argonian finished her sentance, the carriage finally stopped. They had arrived at Markarth. The two travellers got out of the carriage and headed in the direction of the gates. When they walked through the gates and into Riften, they were met with a now-familiar sight. Suddenly, a flash of beige appeared out of nowhere and tackled Lost-In-The-Forest to the ground. Sparkticus was about to draw his sword when giggles filled the air. A beige Argonian female, about a head taller than Lost-In-The-Forest and quite a bit smaller in the chest, stood up and helped the mage to her feet. "Neema!" Lost-In-The-Forest said joyfully. "It's wonderful to see you!"
"Likewise." Neema replied, "So, how have you been?"
"I've been great." Lost-In-The-Forest said with a smile. "I've been going from place to place, gathering and researching new spells, reporting my findings to the College."
"And finding yourself a man?" Neema added, elbowing Lost-In-The-Forest and glancing at Sparkticus.
"Oblivion, no!" Lost-In-The-Forest gasped, horrified. "That would be just... ew!"
"Got a problem with Redguards or something?" Neema asked, raising a brow ridge.
"It's not that." Lost-In-The-Forest explained, "It's just that the idea of us, like that, just... ew."
Sparkticus frowned and folded his arms over his chest. "It would be highly unprofessional." the disguised Dremora said with a frown, "But you didn't need to say it like that, mage."
"Don't worry," Neema paused, "Um, sorry. What was your name?"
"Achmet." Sparkticus provided.
Lost-In-The-Forest was borderline-surprised that her companion actually used a normal-sounding name. "Nice to meet you, Achmet."Neema said with a smile. "Anyway, don't worry. I'm sure that you'll find someone. Someone who isn't short and green with breasts the size of a High Elf's ego."
"They're not that big." Lost-In-The-Forest huffed.
"Sweetheart, they're big enough to scare a dragon." Neema said, "Now come on, let's go to the inn for drinks. My treat."
Once they were in the inn, seated comfortably with their drinks, the real conversation started. "So," Neema asked, "What sort of spells have you acquired recently?"
"A sweetroll spell." Sparkticus said with a grin, before Lost-In-The-Forest could say anything.
"A sweetroll spell?" Neema said incredulously.
"Yes, a sweetroll spell." Lost-In-The-Forest said with a sigh. "It allows me to summon a sweetroll and fire it at my enemies. It's supposed to do a lot of damage."
"I hope I get a chance to see you use it!" the beige Argonian said excitedly. "It's not every day you see someone shoot a sweetroll at something!"
Deciding to change the subject, Lost-In-The-Forest asked, "So, what have you been up to, Neema?"
"Same old, same old." Neema replied. "As you know, I'm studying the architecture of this city. I won't bore you with details. From an outside, non-subjective point of view, this city is absolutely fascinating! Too bad the locals aren't that friendly, but I think they'll get used to me after I've been here long enough."
"It would be hard to study someplace if the locals don't like you." Lost-In-The-Forest agreed.
"Speaking of liking, your mother sent me a letter since she couldn't find you." Neema said.
Lost-In-The-Forest barely managed to hold back a groan. Her mother? Seriously? What did the woman want now? Keeping her voice even, the mage asked, "What did the letter say?"
"Oh, same as you'd expect. Worrying about you, begging you to give up Conjuration and come back to Imperial City, asking if you've found a man yet, that kind of thing." Neema replied. "She worries a lot. It is dangerous in Skyrim, especially with the war going on, but obviously you're doing fine."
"I can handle myself." Lost-In-The-Forest confirmed. "I didn't become a master Conjurer by being weak or careless."
"Obviously." Neema said. "I'll write to your mother and tell her that I saw you and you're just fine."
"I'd appreciate it." the Conjurer said with a smile.
"All right, then!" Neema said happily, "I know you've been here before, but would you like to see my favorite parts of the city?"
"Of course." Lost-In-The-Forest replied.
The trio quickly finished their drinks and left the inn.
"The market stalls?" Sparkticus observed, tilting his head quizically.
"Yes, the market stalls." Neema replied. "They're my favorite part of any city. So many flowing through the area! It's like it's the true heart of the city."
"Some people might disagree." Lost-In-The-Forest said.
"I'm an expert on these things." Neema insisted, "The market area often is the heart of many cities. The most people flow through it, just like blood through the heart of a living creature."
"You're a true romantic, Neema." Lost-In-The-Forest said with a laugh.
"Call me a dreamer." Neema said wistfully, "Some day, I will write books on architecture. I will create my own designs and people will want to live in the houses that I've designed."
"An Argonian architect?" Lost-In-The-Forest said with a quirk of her head before shrugging and saying, "It wouldn't be the strangest thing I've seen happen."
"Your mother would say that I'm crazy, but I still think that it would be wonderful- the idea that anybody who is anybody will want to live in a house designed by Neema."
Lost-In-The-Forest felt someone bump into her with a muttered apology. The green Argonian paid it no mind and continued her conversation with her friend. "Skyrim might not be the best place to apply the trade of an architect." Lost-In-The-Forest pointed out.
"True." Neema replied. "Still, I'd rather learn more about architecture before I start trying to design my own buildings."
"That's a good idea." Lost-In-The-Forest said. "I didn't really get into doing Conjuration spells until I knew more about them. Same principle, right?"
"Same principle." Neema confirmed.
"I see a jewelry stall." Lost-In-The-Forest observed. "Perhaps if I include that with the message, it might get my mother to calm down for a bit."
Neema laughed and said, "It's worth a shot."
Lost-In-The-Forest walked over to the vendor and said, "I'd like to make a purchase. Can you reccomend something for a gift for my mother?"
"Perhaps a silver necklace or a silver ring?" the vendor, a Redguard woman, suggested. "Easy to wear and soft against the skin."
"A silver necklace sounds good." Lost-In-The-Forest replied. The green Argonian reached into her satchel to pull out her coin purse, but she could not find it. She searched through the bag some more only to discover, to her dismay, that it was gone. Frantically, she looked about and noticed that not only was her money gone, but Sparkticus was gone as well. The mage searched for a possible escape route and noticed a dark alley that could easily provide an escape. Immediately, she headed down it. When she walked down the alley, she saw Sparkticus pinning a terrified Bosmer woman to the wall. "Sparkticus!" Lost-In-The-Forest barked.
"She's a thief!" Sparkticus snarled. He leaned in until he was face to face with the Bosmer woman. In the most chilling tone Lost-In-The-Forest ever heard, the disguised Dremora asked the Bosmer woman, "Do you know what I do to thieves?"
The accused thief bared her teeth defiantly. Before anyone could say anything, she brought her head forward, butting Sparkticus in the face. The Dremora swore in his native tongue, clutching his abused nose and releasing the thief, who attempted to flee. Before she could get far, she was hit by a spell. She immediately seemed to calm down. "Now," Lost-In-The-Forest said calmly, "Come back here and we can talk."
The Bosmer woman quietly walked over and stood between the mage and the Dremora, who was glaring at the thief and clutching his bleeding nose. "The spell prevents you from fleeing, but it won't last long." Lost-In-The-Forest said, still completely calm. "You know that you won't escape. Now, did you steal my money?"
"Yes." the Bosmer woman replied. "I took your money."
"Give it back." Lost-In-The-Forest said. "There are better ways to get money."
"Make me!" the Bosmer woman hissed, making a run for it.
Sparktacus managed to grab her before she got away. She kept struggling and let out a string of profanities. "Shall I kill her?" the Dremora asked eagerly.
"Get your hands off of me or I'll cut your dick off and feed it to you!" the Bosmer woman snarled. "Then I'll cut your tongue out and stuff it up your ass!"
"Oh, she's creative." Sparkticus said with a grin, despite the fact that blood was still dripping down his face. He brought his face close to hers and purred, "I like it."
"Oh, don't tell me this is turning you on!" Lost-In-The-Forest groaned.
"To be honest, I've slept with guys with worse lines." the Bosmer woman commented.
"Is that an offer, thief?" Sparkticus purred. "We can talk more about violent ways of killing people in a room at the inn, once you've given the money back."
The Bosmer woman eyed the man who appeared to be a Redguard male and said, "Eh, this won't be the first time I've slept with someone to get out of trouble. Are you paying for the room."
"She is." Sparkticus said, indicating the short Argonian Conjurer.
"Oh, for the love of Julianos!" Lost-In-The-Forest groaned. "You see, Neema, this is what I have to deal with every day!"
There was no reply. Lost-In-The-Forest turned around to see that her friend was not there. Neema was missing.