Array One: Why Children Shouldn't Be Given Gum.

It was a typical day at Central HQ. Warrant Officer Vato Falman, Master Sergeant Kane Fuery, and Second Lieutenant Jean Havoc were running around doing chores for Colonel Roy Mustang. Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye was calmly polishing her gun in one corner of the office while keeping an eye on the Colonel who was reading the paper.

Suddenly Second Lieutenant Heymans Breda burst in the room with his uniform in disarray. He tugged on his over coat as he apologized, "Sorry I'm late. My alarm didn't go off this morning. By the way does anyone have any gum I didn't have the time to brush my teeth."

Mustang set aside his paper and his eyebrow twitched, "Second Lieutenant Breda that's disgusting."

Breda blinked as he sat down at his desk, "What?"

"Coming to work without brushing your teeth…fresh breath is the key to success."

"That's why I need the gum."

Falman popped up behind him, "Not brushing at least twice a day leads to cavities and gum disease. Do you know how much bacteria exist in the mouth?"

Breda turned to Falman, "What is this, a toothpaste advertisement? Give me some damn gum!"

Fuery handed Breda a stick of gum, "Here you go Second Lt. Breda."

"Thanks Master Sergeant Fuery. At least you aren't harping me about some stupid dental hygiene," Breda said as he popped the gum in his mouth.

Fuery sweat dropped, "Actually I just gave it to you because I sit across from you and I don't want to smell your morning breath."

Breda glared at the be-speckled soldier as he slipped away.

Meanwhile…

Edward Elric, state alchemist, stood hesitantly outside the office that was currently occupied by Mustang and his "crew." He was there for his latest report on his search for the Philosopher's Stone and was building up his patience so he could deal with the Colonel without blowing a gasket…as usual. His brother, Alphonse, stood awkwardly beside him. After five minutes of silence passed Al looked down at his brother, "Uhm…nii-san (1)? Aren't we going in?"

Ed growled in response and kicked open the door, "Hey! Colonel! I'm here!"

Ed was used to everyone looking up (or down as the case may be) when he entered a room; what he wasn't ready for was Second Lt. Breda to scream in shock and a strange pink substance to fly out of his mouth and land in HIS braid. Ed blinked and reached for the back of his head: a sticky substance was lodged in his hair. He tugged at it but it simply stretched and didn't come out.

The rest of the office stared on in silence. Al with a "look" of horror (although being armor he didn't have expressions but it's anime so we'll let it slide), Breda and Fuery shared looks of worry; wondering what the little alchemist would do. Riza, of course, was slight annoyance, knowing it would all end in chaos and possibly random explosions that she would end up having to clean up. Mustang and Havoc were very amused and shared twin smirks.

Finally Al broke the silence, "Ni—nii-san?"

Ed turned slowly to look up at his brother, his eyes large, "Al…is this…?"

Al nodded and then Ed shrieked, a vein pulsing on his head, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE'S GUM INBEDDED IN MY HAIR!"

"Nii-san ca—calm down."

Edward immediately turned towards Breda. He clapped his hands and transmuted his automail hand into a blade. He lunged at the terror stricken officer, "I'LL KILL YOU!"

Al, fortunately for Breda, was able to grab his irritated brother, "NII-SAN!"

Breda cowered before the child alchemist, "I'm sorry…I didn't mean to…you shouldn't have come barging in like that."

"A soldier should have more nerve," Hawkeye replied nonchalantly.

"Do you realize how hard it is to get gum out of hair," Edward groaned, changing his hand back to normal.

"Since when were you so concerned with your looks Full Metal," Mustang asked.

"Since I noticed you getting grey hairs and wrinkles, I realized we needed more youthful looking people around," Ed retorted with a sly smirk.

A vein in Mustang's forehead pulsed and he spun around in his chair…to check his reflection in the window.

"Couldn't you just get the gum out with alchemy?" Havoc asked.

Ed, having calmed down, was released by Al. He looked up to Havoc and shrugged, "I suppose."

Ed clapped his hands and put them to the back of his head. There was a bright flash of light and when it vanished everyone gasped or snickered.

"Well, women do tend to favor the color pink Full Metal," Mustang chortled.

Edward's eyes widened as he caught sight of his reflection in the window, his once golden hair was now pink…and sticky, "DAMMIT!"

"Gum is a mysterious substance nii-san. Maybe you got the composition wrong," Al said trying to, once again, calm his brother."

Ed seemed near tears, he didn't have time for this! He wanted to give his report and leave, "It's all over my head now," he whined.

Falman put a hand to the young alchemist's shoulder, "I hear peanut butter is good for removing gum."

"Nah…that won't work," Havoc said with a smirk, lighting a cigarette, "He'll just have to shave his head and be bald…though I imagine you can keep a tuft of hair like Major Armstrong."

As if by magic, Armstrong burst through the door flexing his muscles, "Did someone mention the Great Alex Louis Armstrong?"

Ed and Al looked from the Major to each other and then Ed freaked, "I DON'T WANT TO BE BALD!"

"Well you could burn it off," Mustang grinned, his hand getting ready to snap.

Ed jumped back from the Colonel, "Oh no! I am NOT letting you set me on fire!"

Mustang pouted and Hawkeye stepped forward, "Come with me."

Ed blinked but followed the woman out the office and into the hall. Hawkeye shut the door behind them and all was silent. Then:

"AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Silence

The door opened again and Hawkeye entered with a large wad of gum in her hand which she promptly threw away. Edward stumbled in behind her, his hair blonde again but rather messy. Hawkeye turned to her fellow officers, "No more gum allowed at work." She then sat down and went back to work.

The men stared at her then all slowly turned to Breda, "This is what happens when you don't brush your teeth," Mustang said.

Armstrong popped up behind Breda, "Did I hear right? You have not been brushing your teeth! But beautiful teeth and gums are the path to a beautiful body! You want a body like mine don't you? Here I will teach you the brushing technique that has been passed down in my family for generations!"

The Major then grabbed Breda by his collar and dragged him out of the office; everyone stared in silence, thanking whatever they believed in that they brushed regularly.

-End-

Translation Notes: Nii-san essentially means 'older brother.'

Author Notes: No, I was not sponsored by any Dental Association to write this, lol. This came to me on a whim after reading other vinaigrettes and other humorous shorts. So this is my new "story" titled Alchemic Dis-Array (if you don't get it I'll explain some other time). The chapters will be random and may not even deal with one another. However I will try and keep the characters canon as much possible. If you have any suggestions for things you'd like to see the FMA characters get mixed up in that would be fine…though I already have a lot of plans for them and this little story. Thanks for reading. REVIEW!